[pjinokeechobee]

In the years since the relinquishment of your child what years seem to be the most difficult to get through? I know the are all hard but are there certain years that hurt more? I know the 1st year was hard the 16th ( had a girl ) and the 18th she was now a legal adult and hopefully graduating high school and now 21 I am finding this one hard too. Just needed to see if I was alone in these feelings.

[BABSNVA52]

Yes, ALL the years are hard, Like you the first year was a nightmare and the yers to follow were a living Hell.
The 16th was very hard for me and at 18 I thought about her finishing high school, My daughter ws born in 1970, she is 33 now.
I had my kept child when my birthdaughter was 8. God how I prayed for a boy, but I had another girl, although I love her to no end I could never look at her without thinking of Laurie.

Barbara

[babs42537]

All my years have been hard. But I think the hardest years have been since I found my son born in California, in 1962. I found him in Phoenix, AZ in 1999 and he has rejected me telling me he would press charges against me for harrassment if I kept bothering him with cards, or calls or email. I also talked to his adopted brother and he was very nice and has really enjoyed knowing his bmom. My son, David is not a very nice person like his brother. But since he has rejected me his brother also has cut all ties too.
Just thought I would let you know this from one who searched for 37 years and found her son. I am glad I did hear his voice and happy to find him okay but very bitter.
The first yeaars for me were very hard, then when he turned 21 it was hard. Truthfully all the years have been hard and still are. I guess you never get over having to relinquish a child. One day I will tell my story, it is still hard after all these years.
From another Barbara, who's nickname is also Babs
bbutler@hsnp.com

[sspete]

It seems as if ALL the birthdays are HARD!!! Every year as she turns a little older I think of the neat things she is going to experience that year!!!! Her 18th birthday was really strange.....I had waited SOOO very long for that one. For some strange reason I did not contact her until this year when she turned 19!! I guess last year the good Lord was looking over me and the timing was just not right!!!! Blessings.....

S Pete

[patrisha]

The difficult times were when I saw my daughter accomplish the little milestones in her life. I thought about when my son rolled over or took his first steps when she was a baby. I imagined his first day when I took her to school. I think he was on my mind for every Easter egg hunt and Christmas morning.

The most difficult time was definately the first year of our reunion. That was when I discovered what a great young man he is and how much I missed out on not knowing him all those years.

Trish

[lacey_31]

My hardest time is now the most bercouse thay just turned 17 and the birthday ecspeacally now that there getting old enough where my search begins. but threw out the years on there b-day and holidays.

[jwlzb63]

Every year, every single day, has been difficult. When I would put my little girl (who is now 16) to sleep, we would say our nightly prayer. Every night, we prayed the usual "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer and then follow that up by asking God to bless Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Lisa, etc. and always ended by asking God to bless Jennifer. When my daughter was about three, she finally asked me "who is Jennifer?" I simply told her Jennifer was an angel I once knew. She was satisfied and even though she had no idea who Jennifer was, she continued to pray for her nightly. Someday, I hope my daughter is given the privilege of meeting Jennifer and seeing what prayer can do.

I am struggling the hardest right now. Jennifer turns 21 on November 17, 2003, and I am so hopeful, anxious, terrified, and at the same time realistic. I hope she wants to meet me as much as I want to meet her.

[Sharon]

Wow, interesting thread.
It sounds like everybody's experiences are a lot different. For me, the first year was okay (I received letters and photos, as per our original agreement, and I felt pretty good about the whole thing), the second year was a nightmare (contact broken off without explanation as soon as the adoption was final; never heard from them again), and after that, I just sort of shut down emotionally for about a decade. I became involved in parenting my second child and attempted to block out the entire situation (subconciously; this was not a conscious decision), since there was nothing I could do about it. I never agonized over my child's birthdays, because I forgot his birthday... I remembered the month, not the day.
In 2001, when my birthson was 11, an event triggered a lot of memories and I found that I could no longer repress my memories of the adoption or my awareness that I had another child "out there somewhere". In fact, I began to obsess over it. So the years between 2001 and the present have been very difficult. Last Spring I joined this forum, searched for my son, found him, made contact with his aparents. Although they don't want contact with me at this time, they were at least considerate enough to send me some photos and a long letter updating me on my son's life, and to let me know he's a healthy, happy, well-adjusted teenager.
This was back in June... so from June to the present time things have gotten MUCH better and much easier to deal with. Just knowing he's alive and well is the main thing. I'm hoping that the worst is behind me now. I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope your journey as birthmothers will become easier over time. But from personal experience, I know that time DOES NOT heal all wounds. Sometimes you have to take action and find closure in order for those wounds to begin healing.
~Shar

[BABSNVA52]

CAn someone help me. I am new on this site. & I am getting emails that someone has responded to one of my post, but I go to the Site it tells me to and I cant find the post they mention. I had one from Sharon and Nanci, I went to todays post and they are not there.

Thanks

Barbara

[Sharon]

Maybe it was just telling you that someone has responded to a thread you are subscribed to (one that you've posted on). Nancy and I have both responded to this thread today, maybe that's what the email meant. I don't recall that I've responded to one of your threads... I didn't even know you'd started any.
Welcome to the forum, BTW... it's a little confusing, but you'll get the hang of it!
Best, ~ Shar

[BABSNVA52]

Thanks, Sharon
I guess I will get the hang of it soon.

Barbara

[katamy]

My daughter is now 22, we have been reunited since she was 18, and I can tell you that the two weeks surrounding her birthday, EVERY YEAR, was difficult. Even now that we have reunited, those two weeks, I'm an emotional basket case.
For those of you searching or hoping to search soon, let me warn you that, YES, the reuniting is more wonderful than you can imagine. It's like a weight lifted off of you, like a cloud removed, however, it doesn't heal all the pain. I think we have to accept the fact that their will always be some degree of hurt and pain in our hearts because of this.
All those years I wondered what I missed and it hurt like hell....now I see what I missed...and the pain is horrible...

[jwlzb63]

Thanks for your reply. I just sent the consent form today in case she opens her file. I'm excited, anxious, terrified and hopeful!! I can't allow myself to get too caught up but it is hard not to think that my very long wait may soon be over.

[kimmy30]

Wow that is a good question.

For me obviously the first year unitl a short while after her fisrt brithday That number one was rough. Then it got hard again around the time she would have started school. During ages that had been important to me.

The second hardest time I went through was when I was getting ready to give birth to son. She would have ben 10. I gave birth to my son the day after her brithday. I find that makes it both depressing and a blessing. It certainly makes the two dates unforgettable. it is tough shaing them so close, but I also get busy making brithday plans for some son, that it gives me a break from drweelign for too long.

I do find subconcessouly I get moody the week before. I am often so busy that I don't immediatly recognise what is bothering me.

It always a bit hard, but those certain times I did become more depressed over it. It is funny, no matter how confident Ihave always been about my decsion. It is stil very tough live through.

[FROG93]

MY bdaughter is only 10, but the hardest for me has been the first and tenth. The first for many reasons, obviously, it was the first year! Also, because it was Mother's Day. It has been easier to accept throughout the years. The tenth hit me hard as well. Again, it was Mother's Day. I had a lot of mixed emotions. But God pulls me through!