[achap3]

Why is it important for some people to use labels such as: half brother/sister, step and/or bio dad and start the "secrets game". I'm a single mom with 2 kids and don't use nor let other people refer to my kids as "half" because I'm quick to say "Do you see a half person walking around?" Both know they have different dads and they're involved in both their lives. My rule to the dads were I have 2 kids, not just you're 1. It works for us because never let them discriminate against the other child, and when they visit, they always do for both regardless of the bloodline. One dad use to be an a-hole has finally gotten his act together and we now have no problems, when times weren't so good, I always told the truth to my son concerning what was going on in a nice way, if he asked. Most of the times, he never talked about his dad because he wasn't a daily part of our lives. The 2nd dad has always been supportive both emotionally & financially because we got together when the oldest was 2 and didn't have my daughter until 5 yrs later, as a matter of fact son tells family that "He's my dad too because I had him first". If and when I ever get married, I'm going to use the rule my daughter's godmother family used...The only "steps" in this house are the ones you walked on the get in. I asking because of some of the posts concerning step parent adoptions or children not knowing mom's husband isn't bio-dad. What difference does it make? People may not approve of my life or decisions I've made but then I've never let what other people think concern me because they don't pay my bills. I've always heard IF YOU FEED THEM LONG ENOUGH, THEY START TO LOOK LIKE YOU. I just think people need to be honest and stop lying because it always comes back to bite you in the behind.

[BrandyHagz]

I know in my case, I wasnt “lying”.

I’ve never lied to my son about anything...

Having said that...he’s never asked. Not once in all eight, almost nine years, has he asked about his father...and I was a single mom for most of those.

When my husband and I got married in 2000, and my son and I moved to North Carolina to be with him...Jerrett asked straight out if he could call my husband “dad”. My husband said that was fine...and he has done it ever since.

Jerrett’s “father” has never tried to have a relationship with him. The father’s family has also chosen to ignore my son...this is not due to lack of me trying. I’ve sent pictures, letters, and cards for years...with no response.

Recently, my husband and I sat down and talked to Jerrett about his “father” and the circumstances surrounding his conception and birth. We also talked to him about my husband adopting him...something he stands behind 100%!

I think every family is different. I never intended to leave him in the dark...it just never came up.

Now...as for being a half sibling...I am one. I have one biological half brother, one adopted brother, one step brother. It’s just always been that way...will always be that way...I’m comfortable with being a half sibling...it’s what I am...since we have different fathers.

[patrisha]

"IF YOU FEED THEM LONG ENOUGH, THEY START TO LOOK LIKE YOU."

I love that quote. Does it extend to non-family members that tend to just show up at suppertime too?

I think the labels are used on this forum to better describe the individual(s) family relationship. I don't think in "real life" they come into play nearly as much.

Your philosophy sounds good to me.

Trish

[achap3]

That's my point. Brandy when you refer to your brothers or they to you. They just call you they're sister. Trish, thanks for the "real life" clarification because I was just wondering if it was me.

[BrandyHagz]

Well...actually.


When I am talking to people I dont know...I say brother, because I dont want to explain the whole thing to them...


When I am talking to friends...I refer to them as half, adopted or step brothers...thats what they are...

...maybe its just me...I'm not close to any of them...so maybe thats why.

[dl]

"I just think people need to be honest and stop lying because it always comes back to bite you in the behind."

Are you stating that you feel people are lying when they accurately refer to their biological connections with accurate and accepted titles such as: half brother/sister, step and/or bio dad? If "My rule to the dads were I have 2 kids, not just you're 1. It works for us because never let them discriminate against the other child, and when they visit, they always do for both regardless of the bloodline", works for you, GREAT! But, that does not mean that families that do not pretend there is no biological difference are not being "honest" or are "lying". How is being up front and accurate starting "the secrets game"? Your children each do have one biological Mother and one biological Father. Is pretending that while there is one mother to the two children, but there are two Father's for the same two children and that there is no biological difference somehow being less secretive and more honest? I agree in attempting to make sure that a child is not discriminated against, and the titles do not need to be part of daily conversation. I was NEVER referred to or introduced as an "adopted child" by anyone in real life. It was not shared with everyone on a casual basis, nor was it a source of identity to me. But, neither was the honest truth DENIED, that I did indeed have biological parents and adoptive parents. To me, this was and is honest. Exactly what lie could there be that comes back to bite anyone in the behind for being truthful and accurate?

The quote "IF YOU FEED THEM LONG ENOUGH, THEY START TO LOOK LIKE YOU" sounds nice, but to me is misleading. It really does diminish any importance of biological connections to bparents. Gives the impression that biology does not matter at all ~ it's all about only "who feeds them".

[achap3]

What I was referring to was like kids who never know mom's husband who's been raising them isn't the "real", "bio", "adopted" dad etc...Oh, now I'm doing it . Then some family member lets the secret out, then there's a big blow out over never being told or didn't want kids to know. That's what I meant by "What difference does it make" meaning YOU'RE STILL FAMILY.

[Dragonfly82]

Thank you dlouis! You put into words exactly what I was thinking. I thought I had to be reading achap3's post wrong, because it didn't make sense to me. I did understand that there is no reason to use, 'step', 'half' or 'adopted' unless to clarify to someone who doesn't know . . . . but didn't understand how using the 'label' was lying, when in fact, technically it was true.

[Dragonfly82]

Oops posted at the same time you did achap. You're right it shouldn't make a difference . . . family is family. But sometimes clarifying it to the people that matter saves the headache of having to explain the 'omission' at some later date when it may be brought up by someone who knows the truth. The 'truth' not being that you are still a family, but that there are technically other biological ties. Did that make sense?

[dl]

In my opinion, if it had NEVER been kept a secret it would have made less of a difference. In this example, "some family member lets the secret out, then there's a big blow out over never being told or didn't want kids to know" it is NOT the secret being LET OUT that would cause the child to have a problem and feel different. It would be the fact that the adults were NOT HONEST to begin with. If "What difference does it make" meaning YOU'RE STILL FAMILY" is true, why was it kept a secret by the adults in the child's life? That gives the impression, at least to me, that the secret DID in fact somehow MAKE a difference to someone. I would want to know WHY I was not told the complete truth in the first place ~ especially since learning it after being lied to is NOT supposed to now make any difference.

[Cleopatrick]

To answer the original question, I never refer to my children as my adopted children except for places like this on the computer. And I don't call their bparents anything but by their first names when I'm talking about them outside the computer. It would be a bit confusing on an adoption board if we did not clarify who was who since none of us know each other. Labels are used as short term definitions. It's so much easier to say "my step dad" then to say "the man who married my mother after my father was no longer married to her". That doesn't make a label wrong. If the child happens to be very close to their step dad they will probably use dad.

As for the rest I agree with dlouis. Hiding anything from a child is a mistake. And yes, my kids are my family in every sense of the word. But hiding their bfamilies is a lie and dishonest and it's not fair to my kids. I don't blame an adoptee for being angry when they find out as an adult they were adopted. That information should never have been kept from them. Yes, their family is still their family but suddenly they are going to question everything they have ever been told. The trust has been shattered.

I am not being dishonest in the labels I use on these forums. I've been nothing but honest with my kids and in here on who is who. Dishonest would be to claim them as my birth children, not to use the words bmom or bdad when talking about their bparents.

I guess I don't really understand the point of your post.

[bmLisa]

I work with adults with developmental disabilities, and every so often the terminology used is changed. Individuals, clients, consumers. Retarded, Mentally disabled, Developmentally Disabled. None of those words are bad, until they start to be used with a negative connotation. Are the people I work with retarded, in some of the aspects of their lives yes. Does that make it ok to call the retards? Uh-uh. The labels used in the world of adoption follow the same road.

We use 'labels' like birthmother, adoptive father, step-sister to name the special roles that people hold in our lives. Can they be viewed as negative? Of course, it is all in the context that they are used.

lisa

[May]

This might be a little off-topic (I don't understand the topic to be quite honest), but this conversation just made me think that there are some people -- quite a few, really -- in my life who I couldn't possibly refer to without using some of those terms. Like if I told someone that "my sister's brother is going to college this fall" they would be confused. Wouldn't that be MY brother? But if I say "my half-sister's half-brother is going to college" it makes more sense. So until my friends memorize all the first names, I have no choice. If I know someone's going to get confused about my sister being 12 years older than me or my never having lived with my brother, these names can be a blessing.

I totally agree that secrets and lies are a terrible thing, but I don't think these names make my relatives feel any less like family. They might for some people, though.

[Sharon]

I agree with Cleo... we're all here to receive support or advice for various complicated family situations. We don't know one another, and nobody's posts would make a darned bit of sense if we didn't clarify what the connections between our family members are. I mean, you omit the "bio" and "adoptive" and "step" and "half" prefixes, and you'd have posts like, "I'm searching for my parents, but I don't know how to tell my parents because I'm afraid it would hurt their feelings". Or, "I haven't told my teenaged daughter that her father is actually her father."
See what I mean? Without the prefixes (labels, if you prefer) it makes no sense whatsoever, and posting here would just be a big waste of time because nobody would understand what you were talking about.
The only "label" that I've never entirely figured out is how to refer to the son I placed for adoption, or to my other son, who I kept, or how to distinguish between them for the purpose of clarity on this forum (in real life, obviously it isn't a problem... the situation never arises).
I can't say, "my adopted son"... that makes it sound like I adopted him, rather than placed him for adoption. "My birthson" doesn't sound right either.. I have two. Same with "bio-son". So far, the best I've been able to come up with when I need to make a distinction between the two is "the son that I kept" and "the son that I placed for adoption"... even this doesn't sound exactly right, but it's the best I can do.
~ Sharon