[drewg181]

In 1990 I made a terrible mistake w/my then wife. She was pregnant at the time. In 1992, I allowed her husband to adopt my two children, ages 4 and 2. Leap ahead to 2003...I live within 15 miles of them, I have my own wife and my own children with my wife.

If you were my ex-wife and her husband, what would you say/think/feel if you received this letter at home: (names are fictitious)

Thank you for your comments

_________

I believe the only thing more difficult than writing this letter is reading it, so my fervent prayer is that God grants you patience and understanding as you read.

Jan and Jack, you and your family have been on my mind for months. Not the “back of my mind” stuff, but in my dreams, in my daily thoughts. It’s been a burden, yet always worth bearing. The few tangential peeks into Mike’s and Amy’s life seem to show a wonderful family, with great gifts and great opportunity. Trust me - these peeks are only through newspapers and news clips available to anyone. But I treasure them.

In my recollections, there is a glaring gap – Have I ever sought forgiveness for the sins I committed against you? To you Jan for the unspeakable pain and upheaval I caused you. To Amy and Mike, for allowing stupid acts and stupid pride to tear apart a marriage and family. To Jack, for placing him in a difficult place. I sinned against <<other names>> for making them see their precious daughter, sister, or granddaughter suffer and have to bear a terrible burden. I sinned against my parents – they no longer see their only granddaughter. And I sinned against <<other names>> - my family. They have to bear the effects of a father torn and ridden by guilt and angst.

A treasured family friend, who also knew <<wife>> and me, and whose wisdom and counsel I honor, advises that perhaps the adoption may not have been for the best. I don’t know if I agree on that point, but if it was wrong, if you and Jack felt it was wrong, if it placed hardship on you and your family, I apologize too. Perhaps it was my way of maintaining pride, of paying penance. Again a prideful act may have gotten in the way of other, perhaps better, avenues. There is no way of know how any other course of action would have worked, but I am truly thankful for how you have made this one work.

Jan and Jack, I seek your forgiveness - I pray for it. I don’t presume you two have had the difficulties I have had, so perhaps this chapter for you has been long closed. But it is my hope you reply to this letter simply letting me know you have received it, and if you wish, a brief glimpse into how Amy and Mike are doing. Please - agree or disagree - just let me know you have received this and understand what I have tried to share.

May God continue to bless the you both, and of course your family,

[spaypets]

I have no idea what you did (well, I can guess), but I think the letter sounds heartfelt and remorseful. I don't know the depth of the anger your ex-wife feels or how often she felt deceived by you so I don't know if she will view this letter with an open heart or as a manipulation.

In weighing the decision to send the letter, you need to imagine the worst that will happen and see if it's worth the risk. Since you have no contact with your children, it seems that you have nothing to lose.

Good luck. If you are truly regretful then I hope your ex-family can grant you forgiveness and allow you some contact with your former children.

For what it's worth, I think you did an honorable thing by allowing your ex's husband to adopt your very young children. They needed a real father and it sounds like you weren't able to be that to them at the time. You gave them a great gift.

[sweetnoodle]

Seeking forgiveness is important, even if the other people don't forgive. It is our responsibility to seek forgiveness when we have wronged others, no matter what the outcome.

I think it is a beautiful, well-written letter.

Sincerely,

[May]

I agree with everyone else. It doesn't seem like you have much to lose, if you don't have any contact right now. And I'm sure it would be comforting just to know that your thoughts and feelings were known.

[dkb60]

I agree it is important to ask for forgiveness. I get the feeling you are maybe a very different person than 11 years ago. Just be prepared for skepisim on the part of the receivers of the letter. If you are a praying man I would be praying that God prepares the way for that letter.
D.

[shirleyville]

The letter is eloquent, warm and wonderful in my book.
I understand your need to send it....to be heard.
I see no harm in sending it -- if for nothing else than for your own healing in this journey.
Keep us posted!
Hugs,
Sally

[drewg181]

Thank you all for the kind encouragement. I will be asking my wife for comment, and she may add words. I also plan to handwrite it. Finally, the person I referred to in the letter, whose wisdom I trust, will also review it.

Yes, I am a different person, though I wish even more so. I admit, a goal is reunification with the children, and I hope to learn the softness of the family's heart in this matter. But I will not thrust myself on them - never.

As one of the posters suggested, I gave them what any father would want - a stable home where all last names are the same, and all weekends and summers are spent together as one.

God Bless you all,

Drewg181