[carrington77]

Ugh!!!! I don't know what to do anymore...It seems that just as soon as I start making any headway in terms of dealing with my son's relinquishment, something else happens to dredge my feelings of guilt or depression. I work at a school, primarily as a reading coach...even though its been difficult, I've really enjoyed the impact that I've been making with my students.

My problem is that earlier this week my supervisor told me that I would have to start teaching a child development class to my first graders. Every single week, a mom will be bringing in her baby...who just happens to be the same age as the son I gave away six months ago. I'll have to go over what it means to be a parent, how babies grow, and how parents bond, etc. All this week I had to take parenting classes to prepare with somebody telling me over and over again that when I have a child of my own, "I'll understand." I feel like its all just too much. Three women in my office are either pregnant, or just had babies.

I can't quit my job, not only did I make a commitment to my students and the community, but I'm still digging myself out of debt. I had to stop working because of my high risk preganancy and bed rest. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being punished.

[hippiechick]

From reading your post, I don't know if you are a birth mother or someone who is pregnant and planning on placing, but...

I am a birth mother (placed in 11/01) and I work with children in foster care. It is still hard for me when a child comes through our system that is female and has a birthday around the same time. It is very hard to deal with sometimes.

If you are pregnant and placing, it may help to let people know your plans, so that they may be more sensitive to your situation and avoid asking questions about your preparing for the baby's arrival or what you will name it. You may have to be a little assertive and educate people about what you want and don't want. As far as teaching your students, do you have a teacher's aide that could take over this part of your job? A parent volunteer? Or, perhaps the parents of the babies that you'll be bringing in can kind of run the show for you.

If you have already given birth and placed, the same kind of tactics can be used, but you may also want to make sure you are doing some healing through counseling. Or make a scrapbook, write a poem, dedicate a song, plant a tree, write your story out...all these things are ways of letting go, healing, and moving foreward.

Good luck!

Hippiechick,
bmom of twins born 11/14/01
mom of daughter born 6/6/03

[BMTexas]

Carrington,

Tough situations are going to make the healing process slower, or it might make relinquishment much more difficult.

The year after I relinquished I started working at a hospital. The senior petty officer (military, U.S.N.) was wise
*not* to put me on the maternity ward where I would be around dozens of women giving birth every week and newborn babies everywhere. I guess he
sensed something amiss and /or knew of the adoption from reading my mediacal records because when I asked to be placed on the maternity ward, I was denied that placement (even though they had the opening) and sent
to the medical surgery/internal medicine ward instead . And I really wanted to work on the maternity ward, but I guess it wasn't best for me at that time, having relinquished just over a year before. But now, 15 yrs. later, I'm studying midwifery and writing about my birthmother experience. God knows,
he may have some work for me in this ministry. We shall see.

I know you have made a committment to these children, but you have also made a committment to these parents (if adoption hasn't taken place). If they are paying medical expenses your already in too deep, unless you all have an understanding that you can withdraw anytime and change your mind
and have agreed to that. If that is so, and part of the agreement, I would seriously *really* think about keeping your baby. It sounds like you have some deep maternal feelings already, and it will get worse as birth approaches.

If it is too late and you have already given birth/relinquished or your too far along in the agreement for it to be fair to go back, I would *seriously* consider changing your occupation (temporarily) for at least two yrs., if it is causing you the emotional upset you say it is, or see if the school you are working for might have an opening in *another department* that doesn't have much to do with babies, birth, or pregnant women.
You owe it to your students to be the best teacher you can be; physically ,mentaly, *and* emotionaly; But if you can't do that, and are getting upset, or can't consentrate or do your job well, it makes it difficult for everyone, and people just won't understand.
Only someone in your shoes will understand, but most everyone won't.
You can come back to this kind of work later in life, when you have fully recovered from this painful trauma.

Also, I would definately talk to your employer, manager, or supervisor about
your situation and see what they say.

Sincerely,
Rhonda,
birthmother for 15 yrs.

[lisa93]

Carrington,

My experience has been similar to yours. I gave birth to my daughter November 2001. I relinquished staight after. No body knows about her (apart from my boyfriend!) When i came back to work (i'd been off 'sick') i discovered that one of my close collegues whom i work with directly was gonna be a daddy! I also know his partner quite well, she works with us too. It had only been a month since i came out of the hospital feeling completely empty!!! I was distraught, depressed, crying all the time, forgetful at work etc.. My collegue began to get annoyed with me as i couldn't even do the simplest of tasks, i was so distracted!!!

Anyway, the next year, his daughter was born. He would constantly bring her in to work. He would ask me to feed her and look after her when he had stuff to do....Once again, i fell into a pit of dispair. I barely talked to him about his daughter when everyone else would coo and go wobbly for her.

Eventually, on a drunken evening out, i told the mother my secret. Since then she has been great. She thinks i should tell her boyfriend but i'm not ready for that. The mother talks to me about pregnancy experiences, something i've never been able to talk about before. I even enjoy seeing their daughter now. In a way, the mother has helped me cope with what i have done.

Anyway, i don't really know what to advise. All i know is that i went through hell and back twice, once when i relinquished my daughter and again when the raw feelings were grated with the parenthood of my collegue. But now, i feel a lot better, i'm glad that i stuck through it (though it was hard) and that i didn't just run away from my life screaming.

good luck and may peace be with you

lisa x

[carrington77]

No, I signed our final paperwork in March...3 days after I gave birth. It's not a matter of having any problems with his adoptive family. Just my own recovery process. I paid all of my expenses myself, out of pocket, which is why I'm so in debt right now. I didn't ask for anything, other than open lines of communication.

[Resseda]

Carrington-

I realize you feel you have a committment to your students and their parents, but you have a greater commitment to yourself. If you think you can handle it, go for it, if not...speak to the principal oe your lead teacher or someone and explain that you're not comfortable. I can see where you might not want to go into all the details, but if that's what is going to make the difference, you may have to. I know myself, I found it fairly catartic to listen and learn and care and observe as my friend adopted a boy 2 months younger than my son, and to be around a friend who had twins 6 months older than my son. Everyone is different. But if you think that this project/lesson could really put you over the edge ...you need to think about yourself first. You bursting into emotional tears is going to be worse for your students than a students mom coming in to walk the students through the unit. In fact, as I write this...maybe that would be a way to help you partially out of the bind. Ask other people who are parents to come in and explain, like you said, how parents bond, how babies grow etc.

Feel free to email me.

Ress