[BMTexas]

I've been writing my story down for about two-three yrs. now.
There is so much I want to accomplish before my birthdaughter
turns eighteen (in about three yrs.). Really, I haven't done much more
than have five more children and get married (not exactly in that order). It seems over the yrs. since the adoption I've sort of lost myself with *my own
family*, which has done alot to heal the pain-just being busy with my own
family, not theirs.

But the time is getting close, too close, yikes!, it's possibly three yrs. away.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this-"reunion" stuff. She'll be eighteen, yes, but
that doesn't make one an adult. Will *she* be ready for this "reunion" thing
is also another question.

But in the meantime, I'm writing my story down. I'm wondering if I should seek publication, and if so what are the reasons to publish such a story.
Some people do it for sympathy, some for recognition, some for money, but
I can't think of any good reasons to share my story with the whole wide
world, at least not yet. So I guess what I want is some helpful advice on
*why* I should write and publish my story, or why anyone should write and
publish their birthmother story, because so far people I know aren't very accepting of this part of my life, it closes alot of doors/relationships for me, they just don't understand.

Thanks in advance,
Rhonda, a birthmother

[Dragonfly82]

'they just don't understand'

There's your reason right there! To help 'people' to understand what it was like for you as a birth mother . . . what you went through . . . how you were treated, etc.

I think it would help 'some' adoptees and 'some' adoptive parents see that you didn't JUST 'give birth' . . . that there is a 'real' life, a 'real' person that created this life (your bdaughter) and how it actually affected you from then on . . . that you didn't just 'go on with your life' or 'forget' (that one makes me laugh and cry ~ that anyone would actually believe that nonsense!). It would help some birth mothers realize that they are not alone and most will be able to relate to it . . . which can be very healing. Also, it might help other women (or 'girls') considering adoption to see the WHOLE picture and make a more 'informed' decision.

Hope this helped. Good luck to you.

[May]

Every time someone "normal" reveals that they're a birthmother, it has the potential to stop some of the stereotyping. If the wonderful mother of 5, or the school teacher, or the bioinformatics major who graduated 5th in her high school class (hehe, that's me) are birthmothers, maybe they aren't all __(insert derogatory description here)__.

It could also help other birthmothers to feel that they aren't alone, and someone else understands what they're going through. Might help relatives or friends of birthmothers understand their feelings and actions a little better.

Birthmoms have been ignored for a long time. I still see us ignored today. It's always good to keep reminding people that we exist.

[Lauren41303]

I think that publishing your story is a way to say "Hey, look at me! I made this decision for my child, not for my own convienence! Birthmothers don't exist to provide babies to child-less couples! We ARE vital parts in our child/ren's lives!"
I hope that one day I can find my voice as a birthmother and put my story into writing to share with the world. The world is still so uneducated about adoption (in general) and the more of us that set them straight, the harder it is going to be for them to ignore us any longer. good luck to you!

[BMTexas]

Thank you for your encouragement. I will think about these things.

A few yrs. ago+ when I had finaly woke up and realized, "Hey, what in the world have I done!", I started looking for support. But this was in the yr. 1996 or 97, before the internet was popularized, before everyone had a computer in their home. This is when I thought *I* was the only one.

I started looking for support, but found none. I called one adoption agency, the only one in my area that I heard had support for birthmothers. It was common to find dozens of support groups for post adoption parents, but none for birthmothers. So I called the one I heard about that hosted the *only* birthmother support group in the whole Dallas/Ft.Worth area *that I knew of*, and they weren't meeting until they had "enough birthmothers to attend". Then they started asking questions about the adoption and why I wanted to attend a support group. I ended up getting a little *hot* over the telephone mostly over the way birthmothers are handled and the way she was trying to succor me with all her mushy talk . This is when I first realized I needed to do something. I told the woman on the other end, "I'm going to do something, I'm going to write!" The woman seemed a little scared now and said, "Are you sure that's God's will?" ( This is the same line they used on
me to convince me that I *needed * to give up my daughter.) "You need to
find out God's will." " Would God want this child to grow up without a father?" ("well, no") "Then what would God's will be?" "Can you be both mother and father?" Oh boy! Here we go again. Why do these people always jump to the "God's will"
language when trying to talk you into or out of something?


But here we are in the year 2003, and the internet is everywhere. I'm thinking, "What would another book do that the internet isn't already doing?"
I mean, I would have loved to have this resource when I was pregnant and
alone. So I'm thinking, what good would a book do when we have it all right
here? Would a book present things in a better way? Is there some special group of people out there I could reach/help?

Yours,
Rhonda
birthmother to one
mother to five others

[Just Julie]

Rhonda,

Sorry your MIL is so unaccepting and unloving to you. I hope you have the support and love of her son and your children. I wonder if there is any hope for your relationship with her. In the meantime, keep writing. Try out bits and pieces on us, if you like. We are all ears. Of course you wouldn't want anyone to steal your story. I don't know how to handle that. Well maybe signing up for an English class at a local college or showing chapters to a trusted friend until you decide on an a publisher. By all means, WRITE!!!