[girlw3]

Last August, we adopted a newborn, and became very close to the birthmother. Immediately after we returned to our respective States, we exchanged letters and pictures. She was SO grateful and always asked every little detail about his daily routine, then, all of sudden it stopped.

Last Christmas, I went ahead and sent her a card with a photo of our son and still nothing. In the last two months I have done the same, the last one was on his birthday and I knew she was hurting and I was feeling for her too. I wanted to atleast let her know how well he's doing and that we'd love to hear from her and hope she's doing well.

Still nothing. I find it VERY odd that all of a sudden she isn't communicating. If she never does, I don't know what to tell my son. I have kept her very beautiful letters and the video of the birth in which she held him after he was born and the smile and tears she had for him. I think that will help him deal with it, I don't know.

I just would like to know from a woman who has relinquished their child, what his birthmom might be going through! I have had two biological daughters years ago, and I know that maternal feeling which is why his Birthday was bittersweet. I could imagine her reliving the entire day - experience.

Should I stop writing? I feel maybe she wants to move on. For many reasons, I can understand her wanting to do so. She really never wanted an open adoption, but unsure of what she wanted.

Anyway, I'm very sad, I really wish she would write. I want my son to know what a wonderful woman she is and keep in contact. But, I will respect her decision. I did ask in my letter to let me know one way or the other whether she wanted me to stop writing or what....I just hope she's ok.

Well, thanks for listening to me ramble on. As a bio mom too, and blessed with this beautiful boy, I just can't imagine not wanting to know how your biological child is doing.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[hippiechick]

Well, I certainly cannot speak for the bmom and what she is going through. But since I've also relinquished before, I can make some guesses:

1. Do you know if the bmom is alive and well? This would be a basic reason she may not be having any contact...

2. Assuming the worst has not happened...remember that relinquishing a child is very, very painful. Especially during that first year. It may be simply too painful for her to contact you. I know that during the first three months after relinquishment, I left all letters and pictures unopened until I was ready to see and read a few months later.

3. It may be that she doesn't want to intrude on you and your family. When a bmom is pregnant, the attention is all centered on her and the control is in her court. After the baby is adopted, the attention and power transfers to the baby and the adoptive parents. She may not be contacting you because she feels "out of the loop" now.

If you are sending her things and they are not being returned by the post office, I would assume that she is alive and out there. My suggestion to you would be to write a letter reflecting that you would like to know that she is okay. And also telling her that you'd love to hear from her--extend an invitation to her to write.

If she does not write back, I would continue to write and send pictures, as agreed upon in the open adoption agreement. She may be getting these things and cherishing them, but finding it took painful to reply.

Hippiechick,
bmom of twins born 11/14/01

[cathy102]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. My daughter will be 1 in less than 2 weeks and I haven't heard from my daughters birthmom at all. At the time of Adoption, she didn't know what she wanted. She decided that she wanted us to send all pictures and letters to her mother. I know they do receive them because when I go to the post office, I get a track number and can check on the computer to make sure they received them.

In our case, my daughters birthmom didn't even want to see the baby at birth. I guess it was her way of dealing with the adoption. I wanted a open Adoption but it seems like right now it's just Semi-Open.

My Husband and I went to meet her 6 weeks before the baby was due. We had a great time. Really bonded with her. We spent 3 days with her and her family. She was just a lovely person that was so bright and was going to go to College.

After our daughter was born. I sent pictures and letters every 2 months. Enough though my daughters birthmom STILL hasn't seen what the baby looks like and hasn't read one letter. I would NEVER stop sending the stuff I promised. There will come a day when she is ready to read and look at everything we have sent her.

I certainly would not stop sending her what you agreed upon. Even though you don't hear from her, that shouldn't stop us from sending stuff. I wish I would of even had one phone call. I have spoken to the Grandma only twice since we have been home. I don't want to be pushy on the issue of them to call or write. They know that our home is opened to them with visits, emails, and phone calls. I have put that in all my letters..

All you can do is tell your son how much his birthmom loved him and one day believe that God will open her heart, when she is ready to make that step. We can't force them when they are not ready. We don't even know the beginning of the pain that they have went through. They deserve to know that we will always be open to them.

I even told our Social Worker how sad I was that I haven't heard anything from the birthmom. But you know what? I know that someday we will get a phone call or a letter and that will so exciting.

Sorry for rambling on..I hope this all made sense..

Take care and know that she will respond someday!!! That's my prayer for my daughters birthmom..

Cathy

[jnielson]

I'm sorry that you don't hear from your son's bmom; however I just passed the first year of my bdaughters reliquishment and honestly, emotionally, it's been the toughest year of my life.

We have a semi-open adoption and even though we are able to send and receive letters and pictures, it is so hard sometimes to start the next letter because (at least for me) I feel like I am intruding into their family because I am not really my bdaughter's parent and I want to respect the afamily's space to be a family. And sometimes it is hard to write because I really just don't know what to say. I really don't want the afamily to read a letter where I'm throwing myself a pity party because I miss my bdaughter. That just wouldn't be cool for any of us. And I really don't want to say something thoughtless and hurt their feelings while trying to express mine. Adoption is such a sensitive topic for everyone involved.

It was so hard for me on her first birthday (August 12) because I wanted to send out a gift with my letter and I had no idea what to get because I wanted to respect the afamily, but I didn't know what they would find appropriate for their daughter to have. So, I spent a good week or so stressing out about writing an informative, but not sad, letter and trying to find a gift that might be okay without driving myself insane looking at little girl's clothing and baby toys.

And once I got mentally prepared to go shopping in the baby departments/toy stores, I was still thrown for a loop because for what ever reason I just didn't think about this question and I just couldn't answer it right away...
"Do you want a gift receipt for your purchase today"

I really just wanted to ignore the fact that she may already have the toys that I purchased for her and I just stood for what seemed like minutes trying not to go nuts on this unsuspecting clerk because I know he's just asking a question that he probably asks everyone who goes up to the check out line with a giftbag and a couple of toys.

I hope this gives you some insight into what she might be thinking. All bmoms have different experiences though. I hope you hear from her someday.

Jo Ann

[jeniferL7]

I agree with what the first reply said! I think you should definitely continue sending the letters. I am a b-mom too. And quite honestly, it could be that she hurts too much to reply. If they aren't getting sent back the post man... it's a good sign she gets them. And in her own time, and healing, I believe she will contact you again! Have faith...

Jenifer

[BMTexas]

The first yr./yrs. were very painful for me. I left the state. I had to sort of bury all the pain. Nobody to talk to. The people who did know were very snobish about it. They didn't want me touching or being around their children, they didn't want me dating their sons. They didn't want me in *their* family anymore. -Too much pain, too much.

One way birthmothers deal with the pain, is they just disappear. Pictures and letters are like bandaides to a deep, endless wound. They make everything look pretty, but they don't heal the wound. They won't bring my
baby back, they won't make her mine again.

I can guess what she is doing is taking a break. That's what I did for the first
three yrs., I took a break. I saw the baby at about one month, then again at
about nine months. Then I phased out of the scene for three yrs. I wrote every two-three yrs. after that. It's like....what can I don *now*? She's theirs, writing, pictures, even visits won't bring her back.

Maybe when she's older, about twenty or such we'll have a time for us. Until
then, I'll just pray for her and her family, and write every two-three yrs. to let
them know, I'm still alive.

Rhonda,
a birthmother

[Jodempsey66]

I gave up my bdaughter 17 years ago tomorrow. She will be 17 on Sept. 6. The first year was more shock than anything. Yes I had fully and consciously given her up but I was still in shock by my decision. I had a 2 year old son that was very ill at the time and could not handle any more at 20 than I already was. We were financially destitute, emotionally destitute and just unable to cope.

I received pictures from her parents until after a year. I could not deal with the pain of watching her grow up any more and asked that they stop. It isn't because I didn't love her. It was because I did. I went to counseling and was told by a woman, an adoptee herself, that she felt a woman had to love a child more to give them a better life with someone else than to raise them in a situation that was unhealthy and unfair to the child. Think of how much you love your child and now imagine loving them enough to give them a better life than you can provide and living with that pain for a lifetime.

Maybe the b-mother in this case is like I was and is just too distraught and overwhelmed at her descision that she can't handle it. Perhaps if it was an adoption through an agency you can send pictures, cards, etc...to them in her name for a time when she is able to handle it. Write her a letter telling her of your decision and that it will all be there for her when she is ready. If it was private perhaps they can all go in a file in her name through the attorney that handled it.

It does not get easier in time. You do not forget. You look for that child in every group of children you see in her age range. Thinking you will recognize her if you see her. It does not matter where you are, you still look. You answer 2 in your head when someone asks how many children you have. But out loud you grit your teeth and say 1. You have to live with keeping the secret for years on end and keep people at arms length to avoid having to tell them instead of keeping the secret. Afraid to admit it for fear of being judged by the people you love. Making them wonder if they truly know you at all having kept so huge a secret from them for so long.

All the while in your heart you count off the years and tell yourself "Soon". Knowing full well they could possibly not have even been told they were adopted. That they may never want to find you even if they do know. I do not regret my decision. It does not make these days leading up to and on her birthday less painful. Or make any holiday feel like there is not someone missing. You make your choice and you live with it. You know that you carried her not only in your womb but also forever in your heart.

I hope maybe you can get an idea of what , at least I as a b-mother have gone through. I wish you luck in resolving the issues at hand. I will keep you all in my prayers.

[cathy102]

I thank all the birthmoms that posted their story. Makes me want to cry for the pain you are feeling.. As a Adoptive mom, I am so grateful for my daughters birthmom. I truely love her and her family. Thank you for letting me know what my daughters birthmom is feeling. I know someday we will hear from her when she is ready..

Cathy