[Lewey]

Ladies;

As a birthmother form the early 80's I feel that I don't really fit into all the birthmother catagories, not that I need too, but I became a birthmother just after the secrecy of the 50's, 60's, and 70's and just before open adoption, I'm in between and I find it hard to open up to birthmother's from the early era's because I chose to place my son for adoption and I wasn't forced into it as many women were back then and then I find it hard to open up to those birthmother's in open adoption, because I don't know what they have gone through and it is a very different experience from my own.

I feel my issues are somewhat different, but I find it hard to explain why I feel this way, do any of you Bmoms from the early 80's feel this way or is it just me.

Lewey

[ballet_slippers]

I lost my son to adoption in the late 80's were adoption was supposedly changed from that era. I am not certain if I would be able to help either, since my story is akin to that of the 60's.
Why do you feel your feelings are different? I do believe that most birthmothers share simular feelings, whether or not they willingly relinquished. For me It has taken longer to get over the anger part in healing/greiving. Could you elaborate on what you feel is different?

[Mary RamireZ]

Yes, It is hard to fit in with birthmother of the 70s and 60s and fit in with new birthmother. My was smi Open the adoptive mother wrote me for 18 year, some time the letter did not come for 5 years but I wrote each. Many lies were told and the adoptive made a scrap book of my letters and showed them to me at meeting I had with her 2 week ago. I rejoined CUB as I said I would not , but since I am forming a relationship with adoptive mother they suport me. I still feel that CUB is too anti adoption.
I hope to met my soon when he is ready for a reunion.

by for now
Mary Mumby Ramirez

[Sharon]

I'm there too... my son was born in '90, but I began the adoption process in '89, and feel I have more in common with 80s birthmoms than 90s ones... in 1989, at least in my part of the world, "open adoption" meant knowing your child's first name and the a-parents' first names, and being allowed to correspond with them through the adoption agency... in other words, what we now know as "semi-open adoption" was about as open as it got back then... and even that much contact was considered pretty revolutionary and liberal.
The other thing I feel I have in common with other 80s birthmoms is my ignorance at the time of placement. 1989 was before the advent of the internet, and birthmothers did not have access to the resources that they do today as far as educating themselves about adoption and networking with other bmoms, aparents, and adoptees. You knew what the agency told you... period.
One thing I didn't know was that open adoption contact agreements are "good faith agreements", not legally enforcable.
Another thing I didn't know is that there was a window of time after the relinquishment papers were signed in which I could legally change my mind and reclaim my child.
Would knowing either of these things have changed the course of events? I doubt it, but you never can tell.
I feel that potential birthmothers today have much more awareness about adoption, much more opportunity to research all the various aspects of it before making their final decision.
Also, "counseling" for birthmothers (pre- and post-placement) was not yet in vogue at the time I placed, nor was the need for it really recognized or acknowledged... needless to say, I received none.
Adoption has come a long way in a short time. Legal reform is great, but it takes time. The biggest reform/ improvement/etc between then and now, in my opinion, is wide-spread internet access.
Even adults new to the adoption world are sort of lost when they first arrive at an agency or at this forum. It is ridiculous to believe a pregnant teenaged girl is going to go into adoption simply "knowing" all the facts, or even what questions to ask in order to GET the facts. She is more than likely going to believe what the adoption professionals tell her... and never even question whether or not they are biased, or whether what they tell her is the whole story.
With internet access, a potential birthmom, even a very young one, can receive input from all sides of the triad, and learn, at the very least, the potential risks involved. She is then able to make a much more informed decision. Information is readily available to potential bmoms today that simply was not available in the 80s.
~ Sharon

[trout]

I too am a birthmom from the 80's. I think many of us feel lied to in many ways. I also feel that this was the case because "open"
adoption was new and they were not equipt to handle them. Heck, They still aren't binding today even 20 years later. I think agencies offer what they weren't ready to deal with because we could go else where and get it. I think a-parents unsure of "open" adoption were told that they would have less of a chance of adopting if they wanted a tradional adoption. Because of the openness as birthparents we were told it was up to us if it were to be a secret. That really sets us apart. We weren't told to hide it but soon found out that we really needed to walk a fine line about who we told what to and when. Post adoption husbands and children problably know about our children but are really never acknowledged. Kinda like the elephant in the living room. We just kinda walk around it. We were allowed to grieve more so than the mom's before us but I think after a few months we were told to get over it. This is so much to digest that I may right more later. Anyone else feel like me?
Trout

[sspete]

Hi ALL--Being a bmom of Very early 1984 I can certainly understand what you are saying!!! Open adoption was unheard of, yet most of us made our choices willingly and unselfishly!! I have often wished that my adoption would have been opened, but no sense in looking back. It truly does not good to wish--19 years latter!!! Everything was kept more of a secret in those days than it is today, but hopefully that is changing. Trout--I echo your feelings--ALL my serious boyfriends new before we got to serious, but it was never talked about. My friends and I really did not discuss it much. It was just not mentioned, but I certainly carried it around in my heart!! Boy, did I miss that baby!!! Love to all my Eighties Ladies!!! S Pete

[tracieinalaska]

Hi all of you 80's birthmom's
My daughter was born in 1988. I have definitly noticed a difference from that time period. First, open adoption (or what we now know of as semi-open adoption) was just becoming more acceptable, but not much was known about it. We (the a parents and myself) would have been very willing to have a more open adoption to help my daughter if we only would have known that it would have made a difference in her life. We are doing that now that she is 15, but there was a lot of lost time. My daughter's mother told me a month or so ago how sorry she was that we didn't open up our adoption years ago.

The other thing that is hard is that when I placed my daughter, no one EVER talked about the harder aspects of adoption. It seemed like it was still always portrayed in glowing terms. It was the NOBLE thing to do. It seemed like it was common belief that the birthmom was the only one who would suffer. I had NO IDEA when I gave my daughter up that she would suffer consequences of my choice. It has been VERY hard for me to learn now, 15 years later, that adoption does have an affect on an adoptee. I guess what I am trying to say is that many birthmom's from our era chose to place their babies (as opposed to feeling forced) out of loving motives...we wanted the BEST for our children. Then, a decade later, we begin to discover that what we had done may have hurt our children. It has been a hard pill to swallow. I have had tochoose not to think about all of the what if's and choose to trust God with my life and with my daughter's life. I know that he is faithful. God bless, Tracie.

[toakes]

my son was born in 85 and yes i was lied to as well, i was only supposed to get pics and letters, i got 1 pic and that was it...
how i wish i could go back in time...lol

[sfry]

Me too! I placed my son in October 1981 and it was a closed adoption through my churches agency. I was in my last year of college and (I don't know why this is so important to my decision but it was)was raised by a grandmother. we were very poor and I had worked hard to go to college. I was three semesters away from graduating when I found out I was pregnant. His father was a casual relationship and would be no help. I wanted the baby to have a family with parents that could do things with him afford to give him some nice things and of course love him. I had the opportunity to know a family that had adopted two children and knew they were so thrilled and excited when they adopted babies I knew he would be loved.

Anyway, I decided to myself I made the first decision and I signed the form saying if he ever contacted the agency and wanted to know about me they had permissison to give him my name and address and I kept my address current with them. I had also planned to register with the online adoption search programs so if he wanted to contact me he could. I met a wonderful man two years later we were married and have had three lovely kids. I told my husband about my first son before we were married but I had never told the kids. I thought that it would be hard for them to think of a brother and never know him. I knew boys didn't search for birth families as often as girls.

March of 2002 he called and left a message on the answering machine telling me his name and that he wanted to "thank" me. He left his cell phone number too. Needless to say my hands were shaking when I called him back. It was so wonderful-like a miracle to talk to him. We invited him to our home and his commanding officer helped him make arrangements to fly up and spend a week with us. He is in the marines, and he looks more like me than the other three kids! My husband and I had a 16 year son, a 13 year old daughter and our youngest son was 9. They were about as shocked as they could be-the oldest boy was a little angry for a while-I think felt a little displaced as the oldest son. Our daughter is mature for her age and a fairly dramatic person and thought it was the "coolest" thing. She loves her oldest brother so much.

I have sent a couple of e-mails to his adoptive family and we have exchanged christmas cards with pictures. He has the most wonderful family. I am so relieved to know him and his family.

He got back from Kuwaite about two months ago and called once since then. He gets out of the Marines next January and I'm hoping he'll come up ice fishing!

I work for social services--with adult mental health clients so I am kind of familiar with some of the situations I read on these boards. My heart goes out so many of them. I really feel blessed that my decision turned out like it did.

Just one thought--I had the closed adoption but knew I would receive pictures when he was one year old. I had written him a letter (which he still has) and I wrote one to the adoptive family. They sent me a very nice letter also. At the time-when I received the one year pictures I knew that there wouldn't be anymore contact unless he contacted me and I felt a bit of closure-almost a relief and free to go on with my own life at that point...I continues to think about him a lot-daily at first-then birthdays, when I'd see kids his age, but there was a peace also. Have you had any contact with your birth child?

[sfry]

Me too! I placed my son in October 1981 and it was a closed adoption through my churches agency. I was in my last year of college and (I don't know why this is so important to my decision but it was)was raised by a grandmother. we were very poor and I had worked hard to go to college. I was three semesters away from graduating when I found out I was pregnant. His father was a casual relationship and would be no help. I wanted the baby to have a family with parents that could do things with him afford to give him some nice things and of course love him. I had the opportunity to know a family that had adopted two children and knew they were so thrilled and excited when they adopted babies I knew he would be loved.

Anyway, I decided to myself I made the first decision and I signed the form saying if he ever contacted the agency and wanted to know about me they had permissison to give him my name and address and I kept my address current with them. I had also planned to register with the online adoption search programs so if he wanted to contact me he could. I met a wonderful man two years later we were married and have had three lovely kids. I told my husband about my first son before we were married but I had never told the kids. I thought that it would be hard for them to think of a brother and never know him. I knew boys didn't search for birth families as often as girls.

March of 2002 he called and left a message on the answering machine telling me his name and that he wanted to "thank" me. He left his cell phone number too. Needless to say my hands were shaking when I called him back. It was so wonderful-like a miracle to talk to him. We invited him to our home and his commanding officer helped him make arrangements to fly up and spend a week with us. He is in the marines, and he looks more like me than the other three kids! My husband and I had a 16 year son, a 13 year old daughter and our youngest son was 9. They were about as shocked as they could be-the oldest boy was a little angry for a while-I think felt a little displaced as the oldest son. Our daughter is mature for her age and a fairly dramatic person and thought it was the "coolest" thing. She loves her oldest brother so much.

I have sent a couple of e-mails to his adoptive family and we have exchanged christmas cards with pictures. He has the most wonderful family. I am so relieved to know him and his family.

He got back from Kuwaite about two months ago and called once since then. He gets out of the Marines next January and I'm hoping he'll come up ice fishing!

I work for social services--with adult mental health clients so I am kind of familiar with some of the situations I read on these boards. My heart goes out so many of them. I really feel blessed that my decision turned out like it did.

Just one thought--I had the closed adoption but knew I would receive pictures when he was one year old. I had written him a letter (which he still has) and I wrote one to the adoptive family. They sent me a very nice letter also. At the time-when I received the one year pictures I knew that there wouldn't be anymore contact unless he contacted me and I felt a bit of closure-almost a relief and free to go on with my own life at that point...I continues to think about him a lot-daily at first-then birthdays, when I'd see kids his age, but there was a peace also. Have you had any contact with your birth child?

[Missy M]

Originally posted by Lewey
Ladies;

As a birthmother form the early 80's I feel that I don't really fit into all the birthmother catagories, not that I need too, but I became a birthmother just after the secrecy of the 50's, 60's, and 70's and just before open adoption, I'm in between and I find it hard to open up to birthmother's from the early era's because I chose to place my son for adoption and I wasn't forced into it as many women were back then and then I find it hard to open up to those birthmother's in open adoption, because I don't know what they have gone through and it is a very different experience from my own.

I feel my issues are somewhat different, but I find it hard to explain why I feel this way, do any of you Bmoms from the early 80's feel this way or is it just me.

Lewey

OMG Lewey....I can so relate to the feelings you posted BUT whats worse is that I still haven't found anyone I can totally relate to either.
My situation is / was very unique as I placed in 1971 in the closed era BUT since she was adopted by my neighbors it suddenly and unexpectedly became an open adoption BEFORE there were open adoptions. I call it "closed with benefits".
I know I should be grateful that I knew her but I still have the pain of not raising her. Since I wasn't supposed to even know her name, was I was very afraid of having her so near; it was kinda like looking at your Moms diary....you weren't meant to see it but once you do you're never the same.
B-moms in traditional closed adoptions tell me how better off I was and b-moms in open adoptions don't understand how it feels to have had no control over what I was able to observe and know. Its hard to explain but trust me...I feel so alone at times; I simply have no place...
Thank Goodness for on line Buddys>>>MissyM

[Lewey]

I finally decided to do something about how I was feeling, I decidedto start a free online support group for Birthmother's of the 80's.

If any of you ladies are interested in joining, please pm me and I will give you the details.

Thanks, Lewey

[lynpride]

I can so relate to what you are saying. My son was born in Dec 85. Open apoption was not even a thing I had heard of. I look at the post on the forums and I am just amazed. Someone (lots of someones obviously) was allowed to see into their childs life after placing. Oh how I dreamed of seeing him. Wondered how he was, how his amom dealt with his first booboo. So many questions that might have been answered.

But on the other hand, as much as I longed to hold him in my arms, how would it have hurt to see him run to another woman and call her Mommy? I think it is a double edged sword. You hurt either way you go.

I have just started putting my information into the search for him as he just turned 18. I see how all of these girls are just entering the stages that were so long ago for me but every detail is still with me. I try to give an encouraging word where I feel it might help, let someone know that it will get better, but never go away.

[antifloyd]

Yet another 80s bmom!
I couldn't believe open adoption when I finally heard of it ... was writing a paper for a class 10 yrs after my placing .. interviewed a girl thru an agency who got to PICK the aparents, MEET them, VISIT afterward ... I was so shocked!! I thought if I could have just had a picture and a letter once a year, I would have been so grateful.
And I, too, have a few regrets about my daughter's placement ... her aparents are nice people, but I sure could wish they had dealt with some problems she had growing up better. Of course, who knows how I would have dealt with them, I sure wasn't ready to be raising a child @17. But I sometimes wonder if I had been able to CHOOSE the parents, would I have chosen better?
Ah, hindsight is a beautiful but fruitless thing!