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Originally Posted By Yvonne

This seems to be the only page where birthmothers are left alone. Their babies have already been taken, so I guess there is no sense for those trying to acquire babies in spending anytime here. Besides, the page reeks of pain!

I relinquished my daughter for adoption 33 years ago. I searched for her and we have been reunited for 18 years now and have a decent relationship.

I still can't believe that I didn't stand up for myself and follow my heart and tell everyone with all their pathetic advice to take a flying leap and somehow just keep my baby. I can't believe that I turned her over to complete strangers. I can't believe I did that, but I did.

The loss and pain have never abated. Even finding her and the accompanying joy brought a new kind of pain. I'm so accutely aware of all that I lost by letting her go. Those first years would have been difficult, but they wouldn't have lasted forever. There were other young women who managed to keep their babies. They somehow managed to stand up for themselves and not capitulate to all the pressure insisting upon relinquishment.

I can't bear it when someone tells me I gave a "wonderful gift" to an infertile couple. You don't make a gift of your child. If you want to give someone a gift, for God's sake give them flowers, or candy or something. Not your child!

My hope is that someone who is planning to relinquish will read this page and perhaps pay attention to what it feels like to have relinquished one's child and then, reconsider. Losing a child is the most painful experience in life. It doesn't matter if you lose that child to death or to adoption - it all hurts the same, except that in adoption there is no closure. It goes on forever.

If half as much effort and expense went toward keeping mothers and babies together as goes toward separating them, this would be a much better world.

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Originally Posted By dianeh

Yes, there are aparents here. I've read your posts on other boards as well, and it sounds like you've had a rotten time. Some of us amoms are here to learn, though. We want to learn everything we can--even the painful parts--to help our children AND their birthparents. (We have 2 kids and have completely open adoptions with each.) We want to learn and help others learn, but we do NOT want to "solicit" more kids for our family. I'm sorry for your awful experience, but please don't assume the worst of everyone out here.

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Originally Posted By Ang

I know the pain you are talking about. I have felt that too. It is always "greener" on the other side of the fence. There is just no way to make a fair judgement looking back at this experience so many years later. Your life I'm sure was totally different. Mine was too, and it was just 6 years ago. I could definatly take care of him now, but at the time, there was no way. I truly believe God takes care of our children and He had a special plan for them. Please don't try to beat yourself or anyone else over spilt milk. It serves no purpose.

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Originally Posted By excuse me??

"If half as much effort and expense went toward keeping mothers and babies together as goes toward separating them, this would be a much better world."

Think of the billions of my tax paying money that goes to support single mothers!! Food stamps, wic, welfare!! Yes, the majority are unwed mothers who have decided to keep the child but yet expect the world to take care of them!!! So don't give me that crap!! I placed because I am the one who made the CHOICE to have unprotected sex (notice I say Choice...it was not a mistake I got pg, you don't have sex by mistake!!) I placed because I wanted the child to have the best and I knew I couldn't offer it and I sure as hell didn't expect the goverment to do it for me!! The gift I gave in placing was not for the couple but for the child! I gave her the greatest gift I could ever give her!!!

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Originally Posted By Leslie

Hi Yvonne
I understand where you're comimg from. My son just turned 18 on June 9th and I've been reading the boards etc. on this site everyday since. It bothers me that women like "excuse me" judge your feelings, I thought this was a place for b-moms to express themselves openly and have other understanding women to be supportive not to criticize. In my day they didn't have open adoption, so here I find most of the young women who have given up their babies get to choose their adoptive parents and also get to have some form of contact with their children. Please try and be more compassionate to those of us who were not born in a time when adoption was open.
For 15yrs. I thought that I had dealt with my pain until I gave birth to my daughter who is now 4. I can not imagine ever parting with her and I questioned myself as to how I could've ever given up my son. Funny how you can change your views as you live more life and mature. Yes, it was for his benefit but it was not for mine, it is truly a self-less act. Everyones experience is going to be different and we should respect that.

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Originally Posted By adoptive parents have pain 2

Not only do birthmothers have pain how is it that you can not have any children and so dearly want to love just one and you cant you have to adoptyou are not the only ones who have pain we do to anyone who is adopted is very special bitterness will not bring happiness.....

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Leslie wrote: Everyones experience is going to be different and we should respect that.

Exactly!! So Yvonne should repect those that have had postive experiences!! She does nothing but post negitive garbage! She in not way repects others but rather puts down everyone with a good experience!!

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Originally Posted By TenderSoul

Wow, this can be real tiring, everyone just really has to realize that in adoption everyone has pain and confusion, I feel for the adopted parents, for their lose not being able to have children, for the birthmoms for whatever reason must be without there baby's, and then the child itself, all the questions it has to wonder about, where did they really come from. There is pain in it all, and we all have to except that. Theres open and closed adoption, and in the end what happens??? You have children and birthfamilys trying to find each other. We have to learn to respect each others pain and know how great it would be that if we could all have children and be able to keep them. An there will be times in each of our lifes when we are bitter and not so happy about the whole thing. I'm greatful that my child has wonderful parents who are probable raising him well but that doesn't take away some of the bitterness on some of the issues we've had, or the longing for my child. But there will hopefully be a day for us. Its hard to explain but at times you do have alot of mixed feelings. Be hey we all have to keep living life and leave it in gods hand.

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TenderSoul wrote: Theres open and closed adoption, and in the end what happens??? You have children and birthfamilys trying to find each other.

Not always! I never had a desire to meet my bio relatives! My parents are my only parents! I am very thankful to my bio's for giving me life and choosing to place me!

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Originally Posted By vicki

What a great post!! You are wise and deffinately seem to be an educated woman, especially on adoption. You are so right about sex being a choice and when an unplanned pregnancy happens a decision needs to be made for the best of everyone. THANKS for your insight!!!

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Originally Posted By child

You are right!! Everyone adopted is not in pain and searching. I too am so glad my bio parents gave me life and a great family. I know who my bmom is and that as far as it will go. She's not sure about the bfather or she's not saying. I'm not like her and I don't want to be involved with her lifestyle. So see for some of us this life is wonderful...and I for one and thankful

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Originally Posted By lanie

I aggree with you. I placed my child 5 years ago and have never felt bitterness to his adoptive parents.
Please don't let alot of these birth mothers make you think we're all alike. I can't imagine what it must be like to never be able to have a child. I keep that in my heart, and my prayers actually go out to my son's adoptive parents. We, as birth mothers, do have deep heart felt pain, the pain of losing a child, almost like a death. But, our pain stops there, yours must surely go on with no prospects of ever conceiving. We can always have another child one day when we're able to, and even though that cannot possible replace the loss we have felt, it helps to understand that we all have pain here. I hope happiness is in your future.
-love from Lanie in Texas

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Originally Posted By child

I appreciate your post! I think alot of times we see the people in pain on these boards and there are not enough of the happy well adjusted people here. I don't come here very much any more because those of us that share our happiness are put down and told there must be some deep dark hole that will haunt us sometime somewhere in our lives. Well there are more of us that are happy and living good lives...you always hear more from the unhappy ones. I guess it's hard for some to imagine that we are truly HAPPY! I will continue to spread good words on the positive side of adoption because there are so many...
Thanks again for posting....

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Originally Posted By Jen

WOW! That was powerful as well as truthful! My hat's off to you. I am an adoptive mom of 2, and have a semi-open adoption. The b-mom in our case, had 4 kids in foster care, while battling drug and alcohol addiction. She had an additional 2 kids while her older 4 were in f-care. The state was paying for it all, the therapy, med assistance, welfare, food stamps, D & A counseling, not to mention the $$ spent on the kids while in foster care. She voluntarily surrendered our girls, and yes I say "our girls" because without her, they wouldnt be here!She knew her plate was way to full to care for our girls as well as the other 4. SHe made a resposible choice and it was for the best. I am here for her as well as for the kids. She needs to know they are loved and cared for.

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Originally Posted By julie

i cant speak for everyone. but my child is a gift to me from god not a gift from me to some adoptive couple. i am glad welfare was there for me when i needed it. it doesnt matter if someone gets welfare. we are all equal in gods eyes no matter how we make a living. i got welfare for 3 years while i was in college to make a better living to provide for my child. when someone is on welfare no one has a right to judge them no one knows why they have to get it or if their getting it while their in school. before you talk about people who get welfare look in your own backyard and clean the skeletons out of your own closet.