[Mitzi]

Last year, my children (5 and 8) came across some pictures of their sister, who I had placed for adoption. I guess it is true when sibilings see a picture of one another and have this immediate connection, because that is exactly what happened here. My oldest son, asked me" mommy who this little girl?", and I explained to him that was Rebecca...and tried to leave it at that. They continued to look through the pictures that I thought I had put up, but with moving, guess that box got overlooked in storing away. So as the days went on, they started asking me questions about "Rebecca"..who was she?...where is she? why do I have pictures of her?...and so on and so on..My first reaction was WOW...what have I got myself into..thinking this was not the age to tell them about their sister. So I thought, ok, you want to be the good mother here and not ever hide anyting from your children, so get prepared to tell them. So, birthfather and I sat down with them and tried to tell them in a way that they would understand with as few details that I could give them at this age. Well, I don't think I went the right way of doing so because I was not prepared for what my oldest son said to me--"how do you give away a family member mommy?" To this day, I feel like I am the biggest failure and talk about gulit! I explained to him that we would talk about this later and that I would share with him some more about his sister at a later time, when I felt like he would understand. Of course, he wanted to know everyting then. The questions have somewhat slowed and eased up..because at first it was everyday and thankfully it is buying me more time for explaination. I have noticed since that day that we "tried" to tell them, that my oldest son always wants to know where I am and has this fear of me leaving him. I have explained to him that I am not leaving him, have never left him, and why he feels this way..he tells me he doesn't know..well of course how can I be so stupid..of course I know why he feels that way. I think I have opened up another chapter in this journey of adoption and it is effecting my children . So my question is....Does anyone know a better way to talk about this in a way that is healthy and positive? I hope that I have at least a few more years before I have to tell the WHOLE story.

[nicolebrooks]

Would you mind telling your story?

[tweety03]

First of all, you're not a failure. I gave up my daughter 14 years ago and I have two boys ages 11 and 7 and they know about their half sister. My oldest is glad and proud that he has a hal-sister. I've told them about it sicne they were old enough to understand and never asked why , they just wanted to know where she was. I've got pictures of her everywhere in my house. Be proud of what you did, you gave a child a great life that you couldn't provide at that time and you should explain that to your children and they should know now that you have gotten thiings straighten out to where you have them. Just a bit of advice..
Tammy

[Mitzi]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

[mckenna's mom]

You made a choice for you and for your child. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of admitting you were not ready to give your child everything she deserved in life.
I to am a birthmom with a subsequent child. my first daughter is now 8, the daughter i am raising is now 4. Since day 1 I have told my youngest about her sister.
My grandmother is the adopted mom, so my youngest knows who and where her sister is. they have a great relationship, even though the adopted one doesn't know she is adopted, I didn't want to tramuatiez two people at once.
When my 4 year old asks questions, I simply tell her i wasn't ready to give her sister everything i can give her so I allowed someone who could to raise her (I was 16 when she was placed.) I was 20 and married when my second daughter was born.
So far the 4yr old is ok. we will see with time though.
Be open and honest and your kids will understand with time. as long as you are honest with them they will never think it was something to be ashamed of. They will soon adjust to the idea.

[Sharon]

I placed my first son for adoption at birth 13 years ago. My eleven-year-old son has been aware that he has a brother since he was perhaps three years old.
That was the age at which he began to ask questions about brothers and sisters, why his friends had them and he didn't, etc.
At that time, I explained to him that he had an older brother, but that his brother lived with another family. I showed him the newborn photos, which were the only photos I had at the time.
This led to some confusion, because my son thought that his brother was still a baby, and for the next few years referred to him as "my baby brother".
By the time my son was around six, I was able to convey to him that his brother was in fact older than him. My son never asked WHY I chose to place his brother for adoption and keep him. Over the years, I've found myself attempting to explain anyway, in bits and pieces... but for the most part my son does not seem very interested in my explanations. He understands... he's just not interested. He is far more focused on what kind of person his brother is, what he looks like, when they will be able to meet, etc.
I recently searched for and found my first son, and wrote a letter to his adoptive parents. They responded by sending some photos, and also a letter stating that they were not open to contact at this time. I have shared the photos with my 11-year-old, as well as all the other information I have received. I feel that this information belongs to him as much as it belongs to me. I have never been anything but 100% honest and open with him about the situation... my mistake has been in giving him explanations before he asks for them, and in giving him more information than he's interested in. But I still feel that being open about it is better than keeping it a secret. At least he will never have to feel that I lied to him about anything. ~Sharon

[Mitzi]

Well, with what I gather here, it seems like this is all too familiar with a lot us. My children seem to be "ok" thus far, with what I have told them about their sister. Every now and then I will hear them telling their friends that they have a sister...which leads me to think that even though they don't know her, that they are some how proud of her for being their sister...Make any sense??
I have recently contacted the agency (through a letter) to see if I can get some recent pictures of Rebecca...I am hoping that they will not mind..I think having recent pictures will help in sharing her adoption story with them. Thanks for all the GREAT comments!

[jkies1]

The thought of telling my other two children about my adopted son was always taboo. My mother would be horrified at the thought. I am their mother, not their friend and my business is private. Although telling them might make me feel better, my mother felt it would be a selfish thing to do.

I spent the past 16 years wondering if and when it would be appropriate to share the story of Jeffrey with my two other children. Many times I almost did. But, held back because I wanted to protect them from fear of me abandoning them or wondering if I loved Jeffrey more than them. Or a million other questions I feared might arise.

Things sort of fell into place last week. My 16 year old son said something to the effect of "knowing more than I think he did about why I volunteered at the pregnancy center". I took a deep breath and told him that if he had questions I would answer them whenever he felt he was ready. One thing lead to another and we ended up waking up his fourteen year old sister and asking her if she was interested in hearing about mom's life before I married their dad.

People other than my mom thought it was dishonest not to tell my other children about Jeffrey. They didn't understand that in order to explain Jeffrey I had to explain a whole lot of other unsavory details of my sordid life prior to becoming a Christian and marrying their dad.

It wasn't a matter of just saying, "Well, you see, I got pregnant and wasn't married, so I couldn't raise the baby alone." It was a complicated story that began when I was in college. So many things I didn't want my children to hear about my life had to be shared in order to get them to the adoption and the abortion in my life. This tale couldn't have been told when they were younger- and they needed all the details to understand why these things happened.

To my kids I am the sunday school lady, the church pianist, the bus ministry lady and the lady who volunteers at a Christian ministry. It's church three times a week and everytime the doors are open. Mom doesn't talk about sex, drugs or rock and roll. She's a prude. The thought that mom and dad had wild lives before they got married was foreign to them- although without the details we've let them know our lives used to be very unhappy.

I worried about my son and daughter fearing that it was the toss of the dice that kept them in my life or that kept me from choosing to abort them. When your son said "how could you give a family member away", it touched a chord in my heart. That was one of my fears if they weren't old enough for me to explain everything properly.

This issue is so very personal and individual to each one of us and to our families. I believe we will know when the right time is and we shouldn't listen to outsiders who think they know what's best for our families and for us.

I had no idea of how to go about this. I never even imagined a pretend session of how to tell my children about their brother. But, the day before my son approached me with his comment I had shared the whole adoption and abortion story with a friend who also works at a pregnancy care center. She and I have a similar background and neither of us at that point had told our teenage children about our past. I guess that was my practice session for telling my children.

I know the experts say that we should only answer basic questions and not fill in the details. But, in this case I believe that if I had skimped on the details my children would not have fully understood the position I was in and they may have looked at the adoption as a cold, legal thing that happened detached from great emotional wrestling and tremendous physical attempts to raise Jeffrey alone.

No. They deserved to know how difficult the decision was. When they understood that part it made my second pregnancy choice easier to understand and they were able to put everything in prospective. I used to be single and struggling-- Not able to raise children. Now I am married and have a supportive husband and extended family. It is different--they don't have to be afraid I'll change my mind about raising them.

Maybe that is a good way to explain to younger children and to give them reassurance that your life is different now. I don't know- I'm still wading through the waters.

My son and daughter haven't brought it up or asked questions since our three hour talk. We were all sobbing our eyes out and hugging after I told them everything. I had only three faded pictures left of Jeffrey with his baby sitter in Toronto. My daughter is going to put them into a family album for me. She is into scrapbooking and photos. She also wants to research and try to find Jeffrey on the internet.

My daughter also said she understood about my abortion. That meant a lot to me- she is very pro-life and I was afraid to tell her about that. My son said he isn't glad I went through so much sadness in my life. But, he said that if I hadn't gone through all that I wouldn't be the same person and he liked me the way I am. More sobbing ensued. My son, Sam, said he thought it was pretty cool to think that he actually had an older brother and maybe even neices and nephews, as Jeffrey is 26.

My life was so empty for so long after Jeffrey. God filled it up full and overflowing. I never thought I deserved this much love.

It's weird. After waiting for so long and worrying over how or whether I should say anything it's all over. Apparently their curiosity is satisfied for the time being. Phew, because I'm emotionally spent.

My husband is wonderful about everything. He wasn't for me telling the kids either at first. But, he thought maybe God prepared us all and it was time. That was a relief too. The kids are not allowed to speak of this to Grandma, though. She would be furious that I opened my big mouth.

wow, this got long. sorry.

jeanne k

[brenda winters]

Originally posted by Mitzi
Last year, my children (5 and 8) came across some pictures of their sister, who I had placed for adoption. I guess it is true when sibilings see a picture of one another and have this immediate connection, because that is exactly what happened here. My oldest son, asked me" mommy who this little girl?", and I explained to him that was Rebecca...and tried to leave it at that. They continued to look through the pictures that I thought I had put up, but with moving, guess that box got overlooked in storing away. So as the days went on, they started asking me questions about "Rebecca"..who was she?...where is she? why do I have pictures of her?...and so on and so on..My first reaction was WOW...what have I got myself into..thinking this was not the age to tell them about their sister. So I thought, ok, you want to be the good mother here and not ever hide anyting from your children, so get prepared to tell them. So, birthfather and I sat down with them and tried to tell them in a way that they would understand with as few details that I could give them at this age. Well, I don't think I went the right way of doing so because I was not prepared for what my oldest son said to me--"how do you give away a family member mommy?" To this day, I feel like I am the biggest failure and talk about gulit! I explained to him that we would talk about this later and that I would share with him some more about his sister at a later time, when I felt like he would understand. Of course, he wanted to know everyting then. The questions have somewhat slowed and eased up..because at first it was everyday and thankfully it is buying me more time for explaination. I have noticed since that day that we "tried" to tell them, that my oldest son always wants to know where I am and has this fear of me leaving him. I have explained to him that I am not leaving him, have never left him, and why he feels this way..he tells me he doesn't know..well of course how can I be so stupid..of course I know why he feels that way. I think I have opened up another chapter in this journey of adoption and it is effecting my children . So my question is....Does anyone know a better way to talk about this in a way that is healthy and positive? I hope that I have at least a few more years before I have to tell the WHOLE story.

THER IS NO WAY TO TELL THEM AT THIS AGE. BUT DO YOURSELVES A FAVOR. DONT LIEAVE THIS WORLD WITHOUT TELLING THEM THE WHOLE STORY NO MATTER HOW PAINFULL IT MIGHT BE. MY MOTHER DID THAT AND I DIDN'T FIND OUT I HAD AN OLDER SISTER TIL I WAS 52 YEARS OLD. NOW THER IS NO ONE TO ASK QUESTIONS OF. IT HURTS AND I FEEL ROBBED.

[patrisha]

Jeanne's comment "This issue is so very personal and individual to each one of us and to our families. I believe we will know when the right time is and we shouldn't listen to outsiders who think they know what's best for our families and for us." is so very true. You know the personalities of your family best. As well meaning as advise (even our own parents) may be, it's not their call.

Brenda's point about making sure you somehow you make provisions that your child(ren) know in the event of your sudden death is also very important. I left a letter to my daughter with my will prior to our reunion with my b'son.

I can't speak for other's, but I felt relief from a burden I didn't even know I was carrying once my daughter and family circle knew about him. I wondered too, what toll that burden might have taken on me over the years in ways I didn't even realize.

Trish

[kjunmom]

I gave up my son in 98 and now am married with two beautiful daughters ages 10 and 12. I still haven't told them about their brother. In a way, I am scared of what they will think. But then again, I am anxious to tell them and share with them the other side of me. don't regret placing him up for adoption because at the time, i was still in school and not married and the birthfather was still immature about the whole thing. So, in response to your question of feeling guilty or not, I will let you know how my confrontation turns out today. I believe I will tell my daughters today that they have a big brother. I will log back in and let all of you know how it turns out. Thanks. This is my first time really talking about the adoption and my feelings toward it. It has been a secret for so long. I know it is nothing to be ashamed of. Will post later. Thanks again.

[Jodempsey66]

I was not so lucky in how my son found out about his sister. The unassuming sister of the bf (their paternal aunt) was showing him a photo album at age 7 and he asked "who's that baby Mommy is holding". Her answer of course was. "Your sister". She later told me she had assumed I had told him. At 7?!?!? Of course this is the woman who tried to convince me to let her adopt the baby years ago and I had refused. I realize that it works for some to allow a family member to adopt but it was not something I felt comfortable with.

Ours was a bit of a different situation in that I had him at 18 and then when I became pregnant at 20 with his sister and the relationship with his father (the bf) was falling apart it was decided to go through with an adoption. He was very sick at the time, we were devastated financially and emotionally. Apart and then back together. There are alot more circumstances involved but it was the best choice that we had come to.

Since he found out I have been very open and honest and have dealt with all of his questions. Granted there were many asked at times that he couldn't possibly understand the answer to but over the years they have been answered fully and honestly. We speak about her often and on her 17th birthday this past Sat. he called me several times to assure that I was ok and to talk. He's 19 now and in England and it was my first birthday without him there.

I found that you can only be as honest as possible with siblings. Yes, they will ask questions that aren't exactly age appropriate but tell them as much of the truth as they can understand and comprehend without being dishonest. It is difficult to admit to things that perhaps you would prefer your children not to know depending on individual circumstances but honesty really is the best way to go. Adding appropriate information at age appropriate times. Being dishonest only adds to the fear and confusion.

I know our biggest hurdle was his concern that I would then give him away as well. He became very clingy and would check that I hadn't left if I was in another room. It took ALOT of reassurance that it was not even a possibility. There was also a bit of guilt, I think, that he was kept and she was relinquished for adoption. I personally have not been able to have any more children, nor have I wanted to. Guilt perhaps, I dont know, but I have not had to handle the issue of younger siblings. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that it works out for you and your family.

Good Luck

[shirleyville]

This thread really struck my heart!
I am an adoptee.....and I will be 39 on October 4th.
Last January, I located my birthmother thru the use of a state-provided CI, and unfortunately, she was emotionally incapable of accepting any form of contact from me. One of the reasons she gave was that she couldn't bring herself to tell her children about me. Her "children" are 37, 33 and 32.
I subsequently located them all, living less than 10 miles from me. They have been in the area all my life.
Going to the grocery has taken on an entirely new meaning, since at any given time, the person standing next to me thumping melons could be my sister -- my sister who is only 14 months younger than me -- my sister that I couldn't even say something to if I knew who she was, because our mother chose the path she did. The path of hiding my existence.
I will never tell them......I don't feel it is my place. They are her children and this should come from her. It SHOULD have come from her when they were small, but 30 years later is better than not at all, because you know what will happen?
Our mother is going to pass away some day, and when she does, they WILL find out. Someone will tell them, or they will come across paperwork, and then what are they to think? The entire reality of who their mother was will no longer exist. That reality will be filled with all sorts of questions -- questions their mother won't be there to answer. They will be left wondering so many things -- but most of all, they will wonder what else about their lives has been a lie. They will be all alone in this, and ironically, I -- thier "big sister" -- could help them understand, but I can't, because our mother didn't want them to know me. We are siblings being kept from one another by the fear of our mother. We are neighbors -- but complete strangers -- for now, and for always.
I applaud you all for being honest with your children now, before it's too late -- and 30 years passes. Believe me -- children are very resiliant people -- far more accepting and understanding than adults who have had a lifetime to become jaded and suspicious and prejudiced. You are all giving your children -- especially the ones you gave up -- an incredible gift by being honest.
If I could, I would hug you all!
Sally

[pjinokeechobee]

I guess i will say what alot have already said but here I go anyway. I gave my daughter up 21years ago. I have 2 children 15 and 6 they both know about her. I have no pictures to show just the pain in my heart. I believe honesty from the beginning is always the best policy. I told my daughter (15 yearold) when she was about 8 or 9 and my son this past year. I feel it will keep the jealousies down when the reunion happens and that should either of them run into a problem the can come to me about anything because I too am not perfect and make mistakes but I let them know everything I was young I left nothing out! My daughter is helping me with my searching and posting she would like to meet her big sister. Don't put anything off because it could back fire in the end. Good luck in your situation