[Addie02]

I have a question. Has anyone had an open adoption change because the a-parents moved?

I gave my daughter up for adoption. She is know two and knows me a Lisa. She is starting to realize who I am. She know she came form my tummy. I am really worried that all that will change when the a-parents move. The a-parents have reassured me that this will change nothing, after all there family is still in the area. But I am worried that the distance will make visits less and less. I am worried that my daughter won't get to see me as much and won't reconize me anymore.
Lisa

[Sharon]

Lisa, if you are on very good terms with the a-parents, you might suggest some alteration in the contact arrangements that will make things more convenient for all of you, for instance, longer, less frequent visits as opposed to shorter, more frequent ones. I know that in divorce custody cases, one parent moving out of state is grounds for a re-evaluation of the visitation schedule... again, longer, less frequent visits, maybe more time in the summer, as opposed to every week or every other weekend visits, which might not be possible if the child lives hundreds of miles away. I am not saying that open-adoption visitation is comparable to divorce-custody visitation... one is legally binding and the other is not. There is nothing you can do legally, of course, but if you and the a-parents have a close relationship you might arrange to meet with them and re-evaluate your visitation schedule on an informal basis, and discuss changes that might make things more convenient for all of you. Best wishes, ~Sharon

[GenXMum]

Things will change of course but probably not as much as you are worried about. I don't live in the same state as the adoptive family and so we visit about once or twice a year...it's pretty much been this way during the whole adoption. What I've noticed is that there will be about an hour or so at the beginning of the visit where my bdaughter is shy of me. I say hi but give her time to get used to me while I catch up with her mom. I really think that with many young children (each child is unique of course) it is really important to not overwhelm them with too much attention at the start...to let them come up to you to play when they are ready. This has worked well with my birth daughter and now I can see it's also what works best when my toddler meets new people or people she hasn't seen in awhile.

Also I do agree with the earlier poster about the desirability of longer visits (a whole day is great if possible.) The problem with a short visit when you don't see each other often is that everyone is just starting to feel really relaxed and comfortable and it is time to go.

The other thing is you can still let your birth daughter know she is in your thoughts and you care about her in between visits by sending her pictures (you, your family, your pets, your home, your favorite interests.) and a little letter or card saying "hi". I know at two she is too young to answer but I'm sure she'll appreciate getting mail and the looking at photos. I don't know if you have any relatives in your life that lived far away from you while you grew up... yet you still liked them and felt a connection to them... if so then try to remember what things they did or said that let you know they cared about you.

[Free_to_be_me]

I had a similar situation, except it was me that moved. I moved several thousand miles away from my birthdaughter and her family. The funny thing that we have noticed is that we still see each other almost as often as when we only lived 100 miles apart. (I'm pretty thankful for frequent flier miles!) The good thing is that every time we see each other it is almost always for an overnight visit. My birthdaughter wishes I didn't live so far away, but we still talk on the phone and write and someday I am sure the family will be able to come and visit me. The relationship has changed a little, but that hasn't been a bad thing. It has just been change.