[Decision]

This is most likely going to come of sounding selfish, but those who know me know that that is not me. I again helped an adoptee find her birthparents...such a wonderful heartwrenching reunion between her, her parents and the birthfamily....she is underage 14, born here in Vancouver, this time I had the oppertunity to meet all parties involved while I went to be supportive of the adoptee I didnt feel like I belonged in the personal gathering...everyone else had a different opinion and the all said their thankyou's to me.
I left feeling a sense of loss that you will never know, for the aparents and the bparents came together as one, no jealousy anomosity fear or anger. I spoke to the amom on the phone prior to the meeting and she was more excited than her daughter.
I left with jealousy in my heart were there should have just been happiness for what I was able to accomplish for someone else. I then started on with the feel sorry for myself words...why cant it be me, what is wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this.
I have always felt that my unique gift of knowing how to search and find others should be shared, I have always felt a sense of completeness when I help someone find their lost loved ones, now I feel crappy and incomplete and full of resentment. So how does one get over the feeling of rejection and come out feeling okay with yourself? I normally am not one to subject myself to selfpity but that is what I seem to be doing. Were did my strength go? Were is the happiness that should be mine?
formerly
a_mothers_love

[bajohnson]

Sometimes when we use up all our emotions, we need time for replenishment. That comes from kind words, unexpected kindness, love and appreciation, but mostly from within. If this not your normal state of mind, is it a flag that something inside needs attention? Are you wearing yourself out for others and leaving little for you? Or maybe you've caught my "droopy drawers" syndrome?
God is watching and counting the things you do for His children. I believe it will be visited on you ten-fold. I wish it for you sooner than later.
Chin up, keep wading the stream, and fighting the good fight.
Thanks for your encouragement to me!
Beth

[GenXMum]

I have to agree with Beth. Your search ability is a great gift but sometimes you do have to take a little break and take care of yourself. I don't know your personal adoption story...if your search ended in a stonewall or heartbreak...? But whatever it is, maybe it's time to find some way to do something that addresses your own personal needs and emotions. Take a few weeks break from searches. You could create a website, write an article, do some artwork, pursue some interest/hobby that you secretly want to do, scrapbook, spend time with a favorite family member that you don't get to see often enough, take a vacation to visit some places that hold personal meaning for you,...really there are endless possibilities - only you know what you need.

Whatever it is you need to do, don't feel selfish because taking care of yourself allows you to recharge so you can help many, many more people!

HUGS!

[Decision]

Droopy drawers syndrome...lol, I like that one. Myself needing attentiion, goodness I wouldnt know what that would look like. I am not one to attend myself, even through extensive councilling sessions I go in speaking of others, thinking of others, never myself. Recently I have been focusing on me, and who I am, I am normally a negative thinker, never seeing positive, always preparing for negative to come, most likely thwarting all things positive that come my way, so now to flip the page and think in a positive light, got to tell you its very strange to have to dissect everything you think and put something positive were only negitive survived before.
GenXMum - Stone wall, rejection, I found my son last year, he will be fifteen in the summer, rejection for now? only time will tell...looking at it positively, I am thankful I found him when I did, for it gives me a chance to proccess my feelings without a reunion in progress, I also figure being fourteen he must have a huge amount of anger buried somewhere for me,(if he is anything like me he stonewalls everything) hopefully he will be proccessing on a subconcious level...which in time will allow us to reunite on a functional level.
So I talk to myself every day telling myself that its great to be me??
wow what a concept
formerly
a_mothers_love

[Stephaniesbmom]

Decision,

I think what your feeling is completly normal...and probably overdue! No matter how much we try to be happy for others in such a personal way, it's painful to not have that same thing happen possitively for you! I have been a huge fan of your posts, and have found wonderful comfort in your words. Thank you for being just you!

Chris

[Sharon]

I know how you feel. After a successful search and a bittersweet contact with my 13-year-old son's adoptive parents (they sent photos and the news that my son is fine and healthy, but also that he wishes no contact with me and they do not want me to write again) I went on a "spree" of trying to help others with their searches... I am more of an amateur searcher, not a professional search angel like you, but I do have access to some resources and have been able to steer a few in the right direction. Either because of my help or despite it, lol, several adoptees and birthmothers have now reunited with their loved ones and to my knowledge all these reunions has been joyful, happy and successful, at least so far. I am happy for all of them, happy that I was able to assist in any way, but a part of me also feels bitter and envious... why couldn't MY son have been glad to hear from me?
Both of our sons are still teens, Melissa. I don't think we should give up hope for the future... maybe we just contacted them too soon. I searched for and contacted my son's a-parents primarily for medical reasons, because I had new information that needed to be added to his medical history. So I really couldn't wait until he was older... they needed to be aware of this information now, so they could have him tested for the genetic illness his birthfather is now suffering from. They DID take him to the doctor and have a complete bloodwork done, and it turns out my son is fine. So, as far as that is concerned, I accomplished what I set out to do when I contacted them. I hope the fact that my son doesn't want to know anything about his bio-family will change once he is an adult. Since his a-parents now have complete contact information for me, it should be easy enough for my son to find me whenever he feels ready to... no searching necessary on his part.
From reading the posts on this forum, I've noticed that most of the adoptees who are searching are female. The ones who are male tend to be slightly older, in their early to mid-thirties. It could be that you and I will both have to wait a long time to hear from our children, but I believe that ultimately we WILL hear from them. As far as your work helping others search, you need to separate it in your mind from your own search. It sounds like each time you help an adoptee reunite, you re-live to some degree your own disappointing reunion. Just remember, despite what happened to you, your search ability is a gift that helps others immeasurably. So many people count on you for help. If you feel overwhelmed, then by all means, take a break. But I agree with the other poster who stated that the good you do for others will eventually come back to you ten-fold. Don't give up on your son. Teenagers can be thoughtless, but he will grow up eventually. Your story, and his, are far from over. Best wishes, ~Sharon

[crayons]

Hey girl I hope you feel better, You are an awesome person and I to, look to your post for comfort. I agree with everyone, you should take time to tend to your needs and help your self be a happy person. Please do take care of you self and hang in there.
best wishes and feel better soon!
Thanks also for the times you have helped
me. brandy

[sspete]

Bless your heart, please don't feel as if you are being selfish!!! What you feel is a very natural reaction--you are an angel to help other people in their search considering what you have been through. You will be rewarded--it always comes back when you do good things. I know that is not what you are searching for when you help, but good deeds always come to those who do good. One day, hopefully your son will see you are a great lady with lots of love for him!!! In the meantime keep up your good work--what an awesome feeling!!! Blessings and Prayers to You!! S Pete

[radiodoll]

You are incredible gift to the world. Absolutely. Look at what you've done to put more joy and love into the world. When one of us heals, the world also does more healing, that's what I think.

I think you're an angel. I think You're road has been hard not because you are "less than" but rather perhaps ypu are "more than" others in certain ways. You have many gifts. And you SHARE THEM without expecting a return. Humble acts of selflessness. They are tiring and they are hard.

What I can give to you is to tell you that you are VERY IMPORTANT and VERY INSPIRATIONAL A light in the world. And although you don't FEEL good right now, "feelings are not facts."

Your generosity and honesty will bring you greater joys and loves than you've ever know. It will come. It WILL come.


Much Love - Radiodoll

[GenXMum]

Decision and Sharon,

Sorry to hear that your contact efforts with your birth sons and their families did not turn out the way you hoped. While I can't read your birth son's minds... here are some possible explinations for why your son's don't want contact at this time:

- People may not agree with me but I've noticed over the years how much more dependent boys seem to be in regards to their relationship with their mothers and their mothers opinion of them. A son who has been adopted is aware well before the teenage years that he has been rejected by his first mother and it seems to him abandoned. What is even more scary than that... what if his adoptive mother rejected him!? Even teens have this huge need for their parents love and approval... in fact most adults still do too. Your adoption was closed and the adoptive parents made no effort on their own to contact you - that says right there that they don't know much about open adoption and probably have irrational fears of you, the birth mother. Children/teens are amazingly good at picking up the true feelings of their parents and family. If they want contact with you or information on their origins deep down inside, they can't take the risk of telling that to their adoptive parents. They don't want to "hurt" their mom or dad... or even face the possibility of being rejected by another set of parents (and sadly it's not uncommon for an adult adoptee to be rejected by his adoptive parents when he says he wants to search and meet his birth parents - so it's a VERY valid fear!)

- Another thought on this matter and why many more female adoptees tend to search than male adoptees... just look at the difference between men and women. Most women seem to understand that the world is complicated and that there are a lot of gray areas in life. Men on the other hand often seem to look at things in right & wrong - everything in their lives must fit into a neat catagory. (Yes it's a stereotype so it's not true of all men and women of course but seems to be too true of most of the people I know.) So a female adoptee might be better able to understand that adoption is a complex decision and have a possible understanding that rejection by her birth mother might not mean that there still might be love there. Perhaps she sees the possible emotional payoffs and is more willing to take the risk of trying to have a relationship or search for her birth family. But the male adoptee might just look at the situation as, "She rejected me - doesn't matter why. I don't want to get rejected again so I'll do the same to her! I can't take the risk of hurting my mom and possibly having her reject me too!"

Sounds depressing but there is lots of hope for you guys. First of all you guys reached out to your birth sons and their families. Even though your sons want (or feel it is too great of a risk) to not have contact at this time, you did send them the message that you are thinking about them and care about them! Even if they can't talk to anyone about this, deep down inside that has to be a very positive thing for them to know. Someday they will have a wife that they can talk to about these things and when she hears that his birth mother did try to contact him as a teen - she will likely understand that this is a good sign for encouraging him to contact you. Also his future wife will want to know what the family medical history is of her husband...because it is what he is going to hand down to their children.

Of course it might be sooner that you hear from your birth sons because you've planted a seed in their hearts/minds that will slowly grow... but what I mean is don't give up hope even if it takes much longer than you would wish!

[Sharon]

GenXMom, thank you for the words of wisdom. I've already considered some of what you've said as possible reasons for my son's rejection. You've given me more to think about.
One correction, though... my adoption was not closed, it was open. The a-parents closed it and moved away, leaving no forwarding address, as soon as the adoption was finalized. They are dishonest, unethical people... there's no other conclusion I can come to, based on their behavior toward me.
Since I have not heard from my son personally, I have no guarantee that he knows I contacted his parents... or that he even knows he's adopted, for that matter. I only have his a-parents word that he's "not interested in contact" with me. Based on their previous behavior, I have a lot of trouble believing anything they say. It's obvious they are willing to go to incredible lengths to pretend I don't exist.
I have my son's personal e-mail address. I have refrained from contacting him personally, because I'm afraid it would be emotionally traumatic for him at this age. But I'd be lying if I said I don't think about contacting him every day. For all I know, he WANTS to hear from me and has no idea I've been in contact with his a-parents. I'm SURE he has no idea we originally had an open adoption. How would the a-parents ever be able to explain such a thing to him without admitting their own pitiful behavior in the matter?
I have all the adoption paperwork in my possession. I requested it from the agency last year, before I began searching, when I was still considering pursuing this through legal channels. I have copies of the letters they wrote to me in that first year before the adoption was finalized, and my responses to them. I have a copy of the agreement we signed.
Someday, all of this will belong to my son. This may sound vindictive, but in fact it is the only way I can ever prove to him that I never stopped loving or thinking about him, that I was in fact lied to, that the way things turned out was NEVER the way I intended. That he was not, in fact, unwanted or abandoned.
I am willing to wait until he is of age to contact him. I want him to be old enough to truly understand the situation.
The other thing is, the adoptive parents are older... actually, they are even older than MY parents. They may not always be around, and when they are gone, I don't want my son to feel totally alone in the world. I want him to know he still has family, people who love and support him.
~ Sharon