[Cori Meredith]

Is there anybody out there like me?

Hi, all, I recently placed my fourth son, Jack. I am really O.K. with everything, except I feel so lonely. I have been reading all of the support material from my counselor, but I can't seem to identify with any of the people. I am married, my husband and I already have three children we are currently parenting. We placed our newborn born May 1, 2003 with great adoptive parents. Our relationship is great. I know I would be so overwhelmed if I hadn't placed Jack, but still I have this feeling like I have this unfair advantage of placing and parenting. This is what makes things so different and lonely.
Any Advice?

[bmLisa]

I guess that I don't know exactly what you are feeling right now because I am not parenting any children. I do know that you are not alone, there are many women who have both chosen to place and to parent. I can only assume that the pain felt by all mothers when they lose a child is similar, so my heart goes out to you. Jack is only a few weeks old, so not only are you dealing with the regular emotions of just giving birth, you are dealing with the complex emotions surrounding placing him. I remember all to well how I felt those first few weeks, and while I can't tell you when things will get easier I can tell you that eventually they will.

hugs,
lisa

[Cori Meredith]

Lisa-
Thanks for replying! My feelings are similar to all of the stories I've read. I feel so much better just reading your reply. Thanks for the hugs. Lots of hugs back!

[Charlize]

June 10, 2003


Cori Meredith,

Every day when I'm not working, I watch a daytime TV show called 'Divorce Court'. Maybe you've heard of this show. Aside from the drama, I like Judge Mabeleine Ephraim. When she talks she always says something worth listening to--'words of wisdom' I call Judge Mabeleine's comments.

She's very candid, in talking to those couples who are before her seeking a divorce. Sometimes the wife, of the couple, is very young and has many children. Judge Mabeleine doesn't pull any punches about this subject, either, sometimes telling the mother to stop having babies.

This is what I would say to you, Cori Meredith, stop having children. You have three, and others you've placed out, and now it's time to realize there's more to life than having children then separating them from you. With each child you place, you only worsen your anguish. Stop treating yourself so badly.

In 1978 I lost my only child, a wonderful boy-child, at the hands of a fraudulent woman misrepresenting herself as a social worker (her name was Colleen R. Burnham of Children's Aid Society of Utah). Fourteen months later I tried to kill myself, my anguish was so inconsolable. At night I'd lay in bed with my hand on my stomach talking to my son, spiritually. "Mama can't come to you, son" I often whispered, praying he was okay--eating, getting enough rest and sleep, developing like I knew he should be, laughing with no 'grown-up worries,' and things like this--because I never saw my son nor got to enjoy every mother's basic pleasure of holding her baby to her breast and suckling her child. My arms still feel so empty, and as I write this tears still fill my eyes.

Until I lost my son I'd never felt that kind of sadness and anguish since my mother died. It's all engulfing, gripping, paralyzing--nothing is as emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually numbing as losing a child in my opinion--and it's so easy to get derailed because of child-loss. For a while I strayed from God, couldn't even take flight on the loving wings of the Great Spirit, my loss was so deep and endless. Yes, every day and every night I fell to the depths of my emotional and spiritual bottomless pit.

Ultimately, as I did many years ago during my grieving period of losing my mom, I've tried to establish a spiritual relationship with my son. I transferred the same knowledge I'd gained from my mom dying, which is that a relationship does't end because a loved one dies, and applied it to my son. In other words I re-applied my grief-acquired knowledge from my mom dying, and established a spiritual relationship with my son in the attitude that my son's and my mother and child relationship didn't end because my son was stolen from me. My son and I still have a mother and child relationship, the same as the symbiotic bond between my mother and I remains very strong and fulfilling.

As my mother felt a responsibility to still take care of me spiritually, I realized I also have an obligation to try the best I can to take care of my son spiritually. This is equally important to me concerning my son the same as it was when my mom died.

The point of what I'm saying here is that I went to pieces, and almost never came back, with the loss of only one child. So, I can only imagine what your grief and anguish must be. This is why I respectfully say you should stop having babies if you think you'll have to place them out.

Children are expensive. If you can't afford anymore, don't have anymore kids.

Enforce your reproductive rights. Take ownership of your reproductive self. Your body belongs to you, married or not. This means if necessary, YOU make the decisions regarding your reproductive life.

You should never have to endure the anguish and grief of losing the children you've lost. My god, I'd be nuts. I almost never came out of the insane asylum when I went berserk after losing my only child. You've got to take control, over your reproductive life.

Please don't think I'm being harsh and critical. It's just that I remember the days before Roe v. Wade even though that's abortion, my point is I remember when women had no choice at all over their reproductive life, so women were forced to be subserviant in all facets of their lives including reproduction.

Of course you love your children, and you want them to have the best. Sometimes, the best we can do for children is not bring them here and then subject them to having only second-best which is not being with you because you're forced to place them with someone else to be raised.

My prayers are with you, Cori Meredith. Have a nice day.


Kathy (Charlize)

[Sharon]

Cori, welcome to the forum. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I think I understand a little of how you feel. I placed my first son for adoption at birth in 1990. I was sixteen. Afterward, the birthfather and I got married and had another son, who was born about a year after I placed my first. I think that relinquishing a child is a difficult and painful experience no matter what the circumstances surrounding it. All of us have had different experiences; no two are exactly alike, but it seems that the feelings of hurt and anger, helplessness and grief are much the same. It sounds like you are more fortunate than many... you were at least a grown woman who made a conscious decision, not a teenager who didn't fully understand the repercussions until it was too late. I'm glad you have a husband and three other children to love... no one can ever replace the child you've relinquished, but I think having someone to love makes it easier to deal with... I have several friends who are birthmothers and suffered "secondary infertility" after placing... in other words, they weren't ever able to have any more children. I can't imagine how difficult that would be. I'm glad that you are happy with the a-parents you chose for your child... I'm sure it gives you great peace of mind to know that your child is being raised by a good, loving family, not by some total strangers you know nothing about. Anyway, this forum is a good place find support, to network with other birthmothers, and also to learn about "the other side"... the a-parents' and adoptees' perspectives. Oftentimes people who aren't connected to adoption don't really understand where we're coming from, but everyone on this forum understands and is willing to listen. Best wishes, ~Sharon

[ellia3]

Hi Cori,

Actually I am not a birthmother, but an adoptive mother. My heart really goes out to you. I just wanted to let you know what you are feeling is normal, however, God is in control and he knows it all. It was his plan for you to birth these children for the adoptive family. God knew at the conception of each child you placed, that child would be placed for adoption. He also know the parents that would raise the child. I commend you, I honor you with respect and love for your selflessness. The post early that said stop having children, I disagree with. God will only allow you to stop having children, if that is his plan for you. God is the creator of life. The previous post said get a hold of your reproductive system, well in response to that Cori, God has control over your reproductive system, in his Word he said be fruitful and multiply and your fruitfulness is a gift from God. All the children you have given birth to are miracles, the three you are parenting and the four you have placed. God placed it on your heart to place these children. Seek God for strength, he will comfort you and heal the pain. If you need answers as to why you have been called to parent and place for adoption, seek God he has the answer since this is his calling on your life. May God bless you, your husband and the seven miracles God has blessed you with. Just remember how God used Mary to carry and give birth to Jesus.

[Sharon]

Cori Meredith posted: "I recently placed my fourth son, Jack. I am really O.K. with everything, except I feel so lonely. I have been reading all of the support material from my counselor, but I can't seem to identify with any of the people. I am married, my husband and I already have three children we are currently parenting."
I believe that several of the posters who have responded have misunderstood the situation. Cori states fairly clearly that she and her husband have three children they are parenting, and a fourth that they recently placed for adoption. At least two responses so far have addressed Cori as a woman who has placed multiple children for adoption, and based on the content of her post, I do not believe that this is the case. Please re-read the original post carefully before responding. Thanks. ~Sharon

[radiodoll]

Hi Cori!

And yes, Sharon, some of the vehement posters here did NOT undertsand what Cori has written. You have capsulized it very well.

Cori, I can't imagine being in your postion. How outrageously difficult your choice must have been. And thank you from the whole world at large for making sure he was place in a good home. It helps us ALL in the bigger picture and we'll wait to see what his special brightness will bring to world.

I read this post as an adoptee in search and I have wondered how I would feel if I found that I had full siblings that were not adopted. I am sure it will be a big bag of mixed feelings for your son when he gets older. But you know, the truth that I believe is that ALL adoptees go through "stuff." I don't mean that as trivial at all. But we can't see down that road. None of us. God reveals our lives to us as we go along.

You are a really good person. Don't worry. All is well.

Radiodoll

[ballet_slippers]

I understood what Cori said, gosh Cori it must be very painful having to adopt out your fourth child while still parenting three. On top of the grieving you must be going through you would still be parenting....the siblings. My heart goes out to you.
I lost my son to adoption and then I had three, somewhat different senerio than yours, my problem with parenting the three is guilt. Which I am starting to understand and get over.There are times I feel so guilty being able to parent three instead of four, it is always in the back of my mind...my son is going to hate me knowing I had subsequent children I was able to care for.It really effects my parenting abilities...I am guilty of over-parenting...thankfully I am very aware of what I do and am in the proccess of changing that. The best remedy for you right now is talk as much as you can about how you feel...do not bury it, Let yourself grieve for the child you gave up. Continue to have a relationship with your childs parents, that in itself is healing.

[Constantine]

I relinquished my 4rth. I have 3 sons and I relinquished my daughter and I could have very well parented but someone else convinced me that I could not because they wanted to make a buck on a healthy white infant.

It does NOT get better over time for me. The pain gets worse. It deepens, it broadens, it engulfs me. She is almost a year old and the agony is worse than ever. I wish I could go back to being in denial....sweet denial, sweet relief. I wish I could go back to thinking that I did the "right" thing and that my precious child was a "gift" to a stranger who is infertile. I wish.....but I cannot go back. You can never go back. I see the light and it is blinding at times.

Nothing has ever affected me as this has. I have lost everything before and it did not matter to me - my businesses, all my money, I have been divorced, I have gone through hell and back......all with a smile on my face. I bounced back, dusted off my behind and re-established myself each time.

I came through with the zest for life and lust for living that is inherent to me. I am a survivor. People are simply amazed at my past resiliency. But this, this relinquishment of my flesh and blood, m heart, my soul, my spirit, goes to my very core. It has almost destroyed me. Sometimes, I think the only thing that has kept me alive is my 3 sons. No, I KNOW they are the ones who have kept me alive. All the "inconvenience" and hardship and all the overwhelming feelings I would have felt by raising her is NOTHING compared to the overwhelming grief that consumes me from losing her. Nothing in my life has every compared to this. Nothing. Nothing. I cannot even begin to compare it to anything as I have no other model of comparison.

I am in an "open" adoption as well. For how long it will remain "open", I do not know. I suppose it will until the legal parents become threatened or tire of me or I become an inconvenience. Either way, I have NO control over when I can see my child. That is all dictated by them. It always will be. Just remember that.

I know that this post will most likely be erased and I will be banned because I speak of a mother's ineradicable pain which permeates every cell of my body and colors all of my life experiences. I know that his forum is supported and paid for by those who profit from adoption. I was convinced that I could not, as a single woman with and advanced degree, parent my child by someone who was going to make money off of my placement.

I realize I will be censored, but I hope that this message reaches one woman before she places. I hope that one woman gains the confidence they need to parent by this post. Adoption is a very permanent solution to a temporary situation. You cannot retrieve your child after you get your life together in a few months. Your baby is gone forever. I have seen most open adoptions close, no matter how wonderful the couple appeared to be. Your baby is no longer your baby, legally. You and she are legal stranger, former relatives. Even if you do reunite, it will never be the same. Think about all of the implications it has to your baby. Think about what he or she will feel.

Think about it...long and hard.

[bromanchik]

ellia3 wrote:
"It was his plan for you to birth these children for the adoptive family. God knew at the conception of each child you placed, that child would be placed for adoption. He also know the parents that would raise the child."

Ellia3's God is not the same as mine. Predestination is not a part of my beliefs as a Christian. I believe God gave us a free will. I did not sleep with Matt's birthfather because God wanted me to conceive him and place him for adoption. I believe that God is a loving God. He would never deliberately put someone through the pain you are experiencing.

It is comforting, no doubt, to feel that we do not have control of our actions. It is comforting to believe that God directs every decision we make and everything that ever happens to us. But I do not believe that. I believe that we are human beings who have the freedom to make choices. Sometimes choices that cause us great pain. Sometimes decisions that bring others great joy.

There is a great book called "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Harold Kushner that talks about this in detail. If you are interested in the Christian thought of predestination verses free will read "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis. I believe that God is a loving God that wants what is best for us. I am actually writing an article on adoption and religion that I hope to have published soon.

I am truly sorry you are hurting. I know what it feels like, but God did not set you up for suffering. Please remember that God can give you solace in your pain.

[Sharon]

Thank you, Brenda, for your ideas about predestination, adoption, and God.
I find it so hurtful when adoptive parents post that, "It's God's plan for us to adopt this child." or "God meant this child for us."
Adoption is about human machinations at work; the BIRTHMOTHER of the baby meant for the adoptive parents to have the baby. If it was God's idea, he would have made the adoptive mother pregnant instead.
I'm not saying God objects to or opposes adoption... not at all. I don't really think he takes a position on it. He stands back and watches and lets us mortals do our best with it.
I don't think God would use such a round-about technique to get a child to the proper family. If he's all-powerful, why would he need to involve a third party? To suggest that he would do so suggests to me that birthmothers are expendable, mere breeders or conduits.
Let's give credit where credit is due, shall we?
The birthmother of the child makes the adoption plan, not God or anyone else. Perhaps she relies on God's counsel in making her decision. Perhaps she prays for guidance. But ultimately, the choice is hers.
I agree with Brenda that God does not want any of us to hurt or suffer. He has ways of bringing children into the world that do not involve causing their mothers the pain that birthmothers go through.
God did not create adoption. Adoption is an invention of man.
~Sharon

[Mommy2amiracle]

Dear Cori,

I'm an adoptive mom and am parenting my son who is the fourth child in his birth family. I often wonder how his parents are doing. When you posted, I thought that it might be his family except he is 8 months old.

I obviously don't have any words to identify, but know that you are not alone. There are several of us involved in a triad that was formed in much the same way as yours.

Mommy2amiracle