[Lauren41303]

Hi everyone. I finally gathered my wits and e-mailed Bob and Melanie (Cameron's a-parents) and told them I wanted to talk to them on the phone about how open the adoption was going to be. So now I have to wait.....
If everyone could please pray for Bob and Melanie, that they have the strength to be honest with me about what they want and that they see open adoption as a great blessing to everyone; please pray for me as well, that I have the strength to accept whatever decision they make. Thanks *hugs*

Lauren

[stacyone]

Hi, Lauren -- btw, the pics of your son are beautiful!

My experience as an adoptive parent is that I get more comfortable with more openness as time goes on. This seems to be a somewhat fluid situation -- there are times when we're in fairly close contact with M's birthmother and there are times when there's less contact. I have also experienced having my husband be less comfortable with contact than I am. What I'm trying to say is that whatever their answer is now, be aware it may change later. If they don't seem to be that comfortable right now (and their lives were just changed pretty dramatically -- it's hard to make life-altering decisions when you're massively sleep deprived!) that may change as time goes by and they get more comfortable in their new roles. Maybe instead of trying to figure out what it's going to be like forever, you could set some parameters for, say, the next six months? Then re-evaluate for another six months?

Let us know how it goes...

[billysmommy]

great advice stacyone! I agree that the first few months are overwhelming, both emotionally and physically! Don't be discouraged if they are hesitant right now..and I think that talking about it again in 6 or so months is a good idea!
Good Luck

[sspete]

Lauren--As a fellow bmom my prayers are certainly with you and the aparents!! This is a hard time for you and you deserve a big Hug!!! The pictures you posted are precious. It is my prayer that you and the aparents can come to an agreement that will be best for both of you. I wish you many blessings and much comfort during this time. My prayers are with you!! S Pete

[chickenrunshrek]

As an aparent I have to ask, why aren't these issues hammered out before the adoption takes place? In our case we reached a contact agreement before birthmom signed the papers. Because ours was a private adoption not involving an agency we paid for an attorney for birthmom to explain the documents and answer any questions that she had. Although we were financially obligated to the attorney, she represented the birthmom, not us. In this way everything was on the level. I've always felt that anyone seeking to adopt should spare no expense to make sure that there are no unrealistic expectations by either party. There is nothing that bothers me more than when I see people who feel that they were deceived or lied to regarding contact.

[billysmommy]

chickenrunshrek.....I am an amom as well, and our agreement was also drawn up and signed when our son was born. But it wasn't specific enough and there were still some questions left unanswered that we had not even thought about until later..... I also think that adoption is so emotional for everyone involved that what is right on paper may not be right after the child is born. It is quite an adjustment period for everyone. I know that for me personally, our first visit did not occur until our son was 8 months old. And though I would have made myself get prepared if had happened sooner, I think that when it did happen, I was much more secure and comfortable in my role and so was his birthmother.

[Perkioman]

As an aparent I have to ask, why aren't these issues hammered out before the adoption takes place? In our case we reached a contact agreement before birthmom signed the papers. Because ours was a private adoption not involving an agency we paid for an attorney for birthmom to explain the documents and answer any questions that she had. Although we were financially obligated to the attorney, she represented the birthmom, not us. In this way everything was on the level. I've always felt that anyone seeking to adopt should spare no expense to make sure that there are no unrealistic expectations by either party. There is nothing that bothers me more than when I see people who feel that they were deceived or lied to regarding contact.

I am an aparent and agree wholeheartedly.

We discussed visitation, photos, letters, etc before our son was born. While we didn't have anything in writing, we did have a verbal understanding of what would and would not happen through our son's life as far as contact. To change the rules or guidelines afterwards, I think, is unfair to all involved. I really think the bparents need time to heal and the aparents need some time to adjust to parenting -- to be hit up for something like visitation or contact right after can be really upsetting to all involved.

Perki

[Skye Hardwick]

First, forgive me Lauren - I know you were just asking for support and prayers, and not really advice or more questioning for this particular thread. You are in my prayers!

Now ...to Perki and ChickenRun:

I agree - they should be hammered out before the baby is born, however, keeping in mind that after the child is born ..and is a reality to both potential birthparents and hopeful aparents ...there should be at least some room for things to change - possibly even open up more.

I'm sure you ladies know, for something so small, babies change you. Sometimes, even your outlook or opinions on openness changes. (I am speaking generally here, it may have not for you, but it may for others).

Even with legally open adoption agreements ..I think there always should be room for change and flexibity.

My advice for hopeful aParents and exepting and considering parents? Talk about it, talk about it, and talk about it! But always leave a bit of room for change.

Skye

[TIFFANI27]

I am new to this website and have read many of the postings left by other members. I am a birthmom to a 8.5y/o boy. I was 19 when I placed him with his adoptive parents. At the time I was far from being ready to be a parent nevermind being ready to set up what would be future contact with my son's adoptive parents. I had as much guidance from my parents as possible but still, to envision making "contact" arrangements was overwhelming! I believe that should I have been given the option (or for that matter offered the option) of revising the adoption contact plan, it would have been much more appropriate for my situation and my sorting through of feelings and emotions. Unfortunately, the agreement I made with my son's adoptive parents ceased at the age of 3 yrs. I have tried to make contact over the last five years via their attorney but have yet to receive a reply.
I understand that I made the personal decision to place my son for adoption. However, it has taken me many years and the start of my "new" family to begin to become comfortable with what I chose for my son. To be "cut off" for a lack of a better term, with my son's family has been hard. I often wonder what he looks like now and his mannerisms; what he likes and what he's good at. All I can do is pray for his well-being and hope that if it's in His plans, I will be reunited with him one day.
Thanks for letting me share.

[bmLisa]

It never ceases to amaze me that people continue to come here for reasons other than to be supportive and offer advice and encouragement. Why come if you're going to be harsh and judgemental, we all face enough of that in our daily lives. It is a shame that we have to see it here too, in a place that is meant to be a safe and positive environment.

Lauren, I know how you are feeling. When I first decided on adoption I thought that any contact would be too hard, and that I wouldn't even want to see my son once he was born. In my original adoption agreement I only asked for a letter and picture once a year. After Cole was born I knew that there was no way that that would be enough. I was lucky enough to have chosen an open minded and understanding couple that agreed to revise our original agreement to include more pictures and letters, more often. I have also been able to have two visits with Cole and his family, the first one I requested, the second one which was last weekend was initiated by Cole's parents.

When faced with a unplanned pregnancy, I don't care how 'prepared' someone is, NO ONE can know how they will feel once the baby is born. If life was perfect then maybe all of the little details could have been "hammered out before the adoption takes place", but then again in a perfect world there wouldn't be adoption now would there?

hugs Lauren, I know this is a difficult time.

lisa