[kimmy30]

The hardest thing for me dealing with post adoption is people have all these preconcived notion of who a birth woman is. While eveyone seems to support adoption to often the sympathy is for the adoptive parents, especially post Adoption.

Many times I have asked a someone their feelings ona adoption. And it is always I think it is good, there are som many peopel out their that can't have kids, etc. But aks them what they think of birht parents they say very little. I have found most people who claim to support adoption would never support someone in their family making that choice.

I hate being made to feel like it should not be discussed out the open. I hate the coments "How wonderful tht you did, I could never do that", Like I am weak or something.

[jbandwb]

I wonder if possibly that comment that you hate is meant as a compliment? I told our daughter's first mom the same thing and what was meant by it was that I thought she was very brave and unselfish.

Please don't misunderstand, if it makes you feel the way you do, then you are not wrong for hating that statement. I just wanted to let you know that it takes great courage to be a bmom.

In our triad, I am trying to make sure that I treat our daughter's first mom with the greatest respect and do my best not to let her be hurt by anything that I do. I am very grateful for her sacrifice.

Wendy

[Sharon]

"How wonderful that you did that. I could never do something like that..." I think all birthmothers have been faced with this comment, or something similar, at one time or another. I don't think it implies that the person making the remark thinks you're WEAK...it implies that they think you're different. Although it is probably, in most cases, meant as a compliment, the implication of, "...I could NEVER do a thing like THAT," is that others would love their children too much to be able to do what you did, or that their emotions are somehow more delicate and real than yours, and therefore they would not be able to handle the strain. Since it's not meant as an insult, it's probably best just to let it slide; although I know this is difficult, especially immediately post-adoption, when your own emotions are so ragged and frayed. You might try responding, "Hey, don't underestimate yourself! You never know what you could do." Sincerely, Sharon

[May]

I know what you mean about that comment. It bothers me, too. Makes me feel like I did something wrong, for some reason. I know I didn't, but you can't always control your emotions with logic and common sense.

I've gotten the comment "You're so strong, I don't think I would have gotten through this as well as you did." This seemed like a much better version of the previous comment. I actually felt grateful to the person who said it, instead of smiling politely but feeling like crap inside.

[flo1949]

The stigma works both ways==don't forget that a-children have to deal with it also, especially in school with classmates that know they are adopted.

In some cases I agree with what you all have said; but in MY case, I don't. My birth mother was not selfless, if she were it wouldn't have taken her 6 kids to realize it. I may be called heartless, but come one, light bulb moment, what is causing all these kids...I do realize that when I was born there was no birth control, but one could have a little self control. I am 54, until February 2003 when I found I had siblings, in all my years, I haven't ever thought of looking up my b'mother. My life was great with the family that raised me. In my family I was never treated like the outsider. In fact, I found I had siblings when I sent for a copy of my BC so that I could get a passport to go visit my mother and father's (adoptive-but to me my real parents) homeland of Italy. I have found 1 sister; 3 more to go and 1 brother (if I find him, fine, but not really looking either-she kept him; he could have tried to find US being that he was 10 when I was born, he had to know of some of us). I am not looking for the birth mother. I really just don't have that desire.

Every story is different. I feel for all those searching for BMother's or Siblings; it is just my situation that I spoke of above.
Wishing all luck!
~Margie

[Sharon]

That's certainly an interesting take on the situation. I do agree with you on one thing: every situation is different; but I think that one thing that all of us have in common is that we do not like to be stigmatized or judged. Sincerely, Sharon

[kimmy30]

While the comments have always kind of bothered me, it really strick me during a recnet converstion I had.

I joined a discussion with others regardings abortion rates. And The topic of adoptions came up. Which is when I had asked how many of them would really support someone they new if they choose to place a child for adoption. I was suprised at how many said they could never support a family member give a child up.


I know most would like to believe they are sincere, but I still sense a shock from many whenever I do choose to share my story with others.


My husband for example, does not think need to share that info with anyone. While I know he doesn't intentionally mean to aoffend. I jsut hate that especialy as time passes more peopel feel like it should not be an open subject. It is a decison I am proud of desipte the all the pain the comes with letting go. There is alway so much talk about adoption,but it normals is geared to those looking for kids. I found very sad that in this age that is still consider by so many to be someting not to be talked about, something to be ashamed of.

[kimmy30]

Oh and when the adoptive parents said it to me, I knew they were sincere. I really had a wonderfull experince with the new parents.

[strosnstars]

I HATE that comment, "Oh that was so wonderful of you, I could never do that". If I had a dollar.... Anyways, it totally implies that you had done something wrong or at the very least "Abnormal" And your so right about the attitudes of society towards birthparents. I think a lot of a birthparents pain comes from the sudden drop in stature from "expectant parent" (who is revered, respected, loved and cared for) to "Birthparent" who is reviled, loathed and feared, usually by the same people (the A-parents) who used to think she was so wonderful.

Is it any wonder with these attitudes, that most people who are asked, WOULD NOT reccomend adoption for a family member or loved one? I once asked a woman at my church who was adopting overseas why she had chosen international. By the way, she did not know I was a birthmother. She said "Because we don't want a birthmother "lurking around"!" I could'nt resist!! I got up from my chair (we were at a get together at a mutual friends house) and started gathering my things to leave. She said "Where are you going? I said "Well, I am a birthmother, and I am leaving since you are uncomfortable with "my kind" lurking around.

Man , I wish I'd had a camera! The look on her face was priceless!

[schatz]

Kimmy,

I completely agree. There definitely is a stigma attached to being a birthmother. I get so nervous about sharing my story because I'm not always up for the education that always has to go with it.

In my experience with birthmotherhood, I lost many family and friends. Many of my neighbors stopped being friendly when I came home with no baby. Yes, there were also many people who were enlightened about adoption by knowing me, but I really just want to go on without having my birthmotherhood be such a major issue.

I wish it was something we could all feel safe being completely open about, but it isn't. It's also a viscious circle because the only way that birthparents will become accepted is if more of us are open about it. Unfortunately, that's a pretty heavy burden to bear on top of all the other grief and pain that it is a part of our experience.

I try to keep in mind that all of the people who came to accept my choice will help me spread the word. Hopefully, when they encounter yet another of the negative stereotypes about birthmothers, they will have me in mind and speak up.

Hugs and strength to all of you who wrestle with the judgement of others every day.

[Sharon]

I think one thing to consider is that if you tell someone you're a birthmother, and you're not already very close friends with them, they simply don't know WHAT to say. They become flustered and lose their composure, and end up blurting out something ("Gosh, you're brave! I could NEVER do a thing like THAT!") that may be inadvertantly hurtful. As time has passed, I've just learned not to put people in that awkward position unless I know them well, or unless I've got a pretty darned good reason. Once, a co-worker I knew only slightly told me that she'd once had a child, but he died when he was less than a year old. I was flustered. I didn't know what to do, except express my profuse and awkward sympathy. So I got a taste of how strangers feel when I divulge such personal and intimate information about myself. In a way, it's even MORE awkward when you say you're a birthmother, because people truly do not know WHAT the appropriate response is...sympathy doesn't seem quite right (because our society views adoption as a POSITIVE thing, not a loss) but neither do congratulations. I think that you should share this information with as many people as you want, as long as it makes you feel better...but be forgiving if they grope for a response, or blurt out the wrong one. No one who has not experienced this could ever truly know what it's like, or what response might be appropriate. That's why I'm so glad I've discovered this forum...because the women here DO understand exactly where I'm coming from. Sincerely, Sharon

[debsdone]

This is an eye opener for me. As an adoptee, I have often been asked how I feel about having been "given up" by my birthmother. My true and honest answer has always been the same. That I admire and honor her strength and selflessness. That I feel shame that I "could never do that". I have never even remotely meant there was anything wrong with what she did. I meant I would selfishly keep a baby, for my OWN needs, rather than be the type of person who could and would sacrifice my own feelings for the sake of my baby. I sincerely hope I have never accidentally hurt someone's feelings by stating my feelings in a way that could be interpreted as insulting! Love, Debi

[kimmy30]

Thank you so much for all your responses, finding this site has been great for me to deal with issues so many do not understand.

I am torn often between sharing my experince as it can benefit eveyone in the adoption process, at the same time it is very personal and I want to protect it.

[Free_to_be_me]

Most of the time, I haven't felt any stigma for being a birthmom. During the first year after placement, I was pretty wary about who I told. It ended up being hard to remember who knew what and caused some stress. Then, as I was healing and difficult memories started being outnumbered by wonderful ones (I have an open adoption and really enjoy the cards, phone calls and visits) I just wanted to talk about my darling little girl. It's a lot easier to say "Oh-I just talked to Baby's family" and not have to explain who the baby is, why she's not with me, and all of the details so all of the background info is part of getting to know me. When other people talk about their husbands, wives and children, I talk about my boyfriend and birthdaughter. Just because I made an adoption plan doesn't take away my right to whip out pictures when everyone is talking about their wonderful, brilliant, beautiful children.

I have had to deal with the "I could never do that" comment, but I generally just shrug and say that I needed to because I wanted the best for my baby and me. People generally understand (or say they do). Sometimes we get into an in depth conversation, other times we move on to a different topic. I don't think I have ever had anyone treat me like dirt because of the adoption.

I think part of the reason that I have had good experiences with people after the placement is because 1) I had a good experience at the time of the placement and 2) My experiences with the relationship I have with the family are really good so my attitude toward adoption is good and people respond to that.

[Cori Meredith]

I have had a surprising amount of luck with the stigma, as well as helping to change it. It helps to point out to these people, who probably were well-meaning, all of the hard work you put into your decision.
I have never walked away with any thing more than complete respect. Go 'head take the bull by the horns, and pat yourself on the back three times.
1. You changed their outlook
2. You were brave enough to tell the truth
3. That person probably will never make the comment again