[yeidikey333]

Om my gosh. I don't even know how to start, but I really need to vent.
I dont know if any of you guys remember me posting lots of things about my birth family, how I found them, etc.
Well, this are not very good now. I can't explain why.
Things started pretty awesome, EVERYONE was so happy, my birth mom, grandma, 2 sisters, aunts, etc. They could not wait to meet me.
Well, we used to call each other weekly.
Then things started to get cold, then colder.
They would say they are gonna call me, and then, they dont. And of course, I end up calling everyone. They promised stuff I never got.

Then my birth mom told me she was comming for a visit , this month. And I havent heard from her... I know, very deep in my heart that shes not comming, but I bet shes not calling either to tell me so.

My sis, used to email me daily, (last time I received an email...2 months ago).

It feels like they planned this, they all got cold at the same time.
I even sent my 2 nephews birthday gifts.
They didnt call me on my birthday...not a card. NOTHING.

The worst part is that they told me so many things. That they love me , etc.

Like my birth mom wrote in the first letters:

"I love you more than you will ever know"
"I thank God everyday for letting you find me"
"I love you so much, and know the void in my life is gone"
"I cant wait to hold you in my arms again"

Gee, that really hurts. Ok, you might say, that all this is overwhelming. But hey, you just dont have the RIGHT to hurt someone feelings like this.
I would NEVER do this to someone I care for.

My husband is so mad at them. Of course he knows the pain im going through, and the endless nights crying, because its so painfull.

This seemed to be the start of a perfect relationship. Oh! the pink sky and butterflies. Well, I got to tell you. BE CAREFUL!

Im not trying to discourage anyone. Im just saying, do not get too excited with the whole thing like I did. Because you might, or not, end up with your heart and feelings broken.

I wish she was like many of the birthmoms on this forum.
But she isn't. Thats life. And now I have to pick up the pieces and start over again knowing that I was left behind once again.

OUCH!

[dl]

I am so sorry that you have been so hurt. Many of us believe that the postings of the birthmothers on this forum are reflective of our bparents. We believe that what they say about longing and waiting for contact is what our bparents are feeling. I never thought about that until I read these things on the forum. I have been told by one bmother that I am callous because I haven't searched prior to now. Based on what I have read, I have chosen to believe that my bmother desires to know that I am alive and well. I have recently learned from the social worker at the agency that she believes she has locacted my bparents. I have requested that letters to confirm identity and possibly establish contact be sent. I hope that I have not been mislead by what I have read on the forum.

Your story is once again a statement that what one feels, even if in the same place in the triad, is not applicable to all. I am trying to keep things in perspective as I don't want to be dissapointed. I am so sorry that your search and reunion resulted in your feeling left behind once again. My heart goes out to you - and I also wonder is that what I'm going to experience?

[sspete]

Bless your heart--I know this is very painful and you feel like you have been left behind again. Please don't feel this way. You are very special! I only wish we could understand why people do the things that they do. Is there a possibility you could ask someone involved in the reunion to please be honest with you so that you will know why they are acting the way they are? It would be nice if you could get complete honesty from them. I would tell them you are willing to take your time with the reunion, and would love to know why everyone stopped talking, writing, and communicating period. I believe you deserve to know this after all the I love you's you heard. You are in my prayers as you begin your journey, and please don't forgot you are somebody special!! Blessings

[shirleyville]

I am so sorry things have seemingly "stalled" in your reunion...it's awfully hard to understand when things like that happen -- especially when the reunion begins with the intensity that yours did. I have read that when things begin with the "euphoric" "honeymoon phase", they sometimes do "cool off" for a bit when the intensity peaks.....I know that's harsh, but it can happen, apparently.
If you feel emotionally capable of giving them some space and time, I would try to do that. As Needstoknow said, this could very possibly have cause some upheaval in the family, and they are working it out among themselves......not that this is fair to you -- they should, at the very least, let you know what's going on. They may NOT want to fill you in for fear of making you feel badly -- as if your appearance in their lives caused some unrest.....so they are trying to handle it on their own.
If you feel up to it, I think that you should maybe send them all a little "communique" and say, "Hey, I understand that reunions of this nature are highly charged, emotionally...it is perfectly normal for everyone involved to take time to sort of "take stock" of the situation and how we all "fit" in one another's world. I just need to know where everyone stands, so that I can work thru this emotionally, as well."
I wish you all the luck in the world and the peace of mind and heart that you so obviously deserve!
Keep us posted!
Sally

[debsdone]

Hi! I remember you well! I am SO sorry about all this heartache. There hardly ever seems to be any explanation, so we go along inventing whatever explanation seems to fit. But, that is almost the same as before we searched, isn't it? Dealing with "invented" scenarios! Reality seems to often fall short of our fantasies. I think that MOST new relationships have a "honeymoon" period. Anything this emotional seems destined for that type of thing. When I hear stories like this, I always wonder if there isn't a certain something that "exists" that we haven't been made aware of. A "difference of opinion" that wasn't mentioned, yet is being reacted on. Again, absolute speculation. I would ask point blank, what happened? So many families seem to exist with so many secrets! Or denial, or whatever. Or even just an unwillingness to hear a different perspective. Not having been a member of this family before now, and therefore, not having been privy to all the "unspoken" rules, it would be easy to "cross the line" without even knowing it! I believe that is my greatest fear in my own search. While there is nothing that can be said that will ease your disappointment now, I hope you will find what you need to be at peace with it all! Love, Debi

[Lewey]

I've been through what you are going through, only from the other side, I'm a birthmother and although I'm not in your shoes at this moment, I understand the pain, it is so intense and so confusing, I kept asking myself what I did to deserve this, but in reality it is what they call the rollercoaster ride of reunion.

At first you have the honeymoon phase, everything is so perfect, you can't get enough of one another, but as time passes you realize that you are in reality, strangers (both sides), and in many cases, including my own, there were so many emotions and the grief of realizing what I had missed all those years was tremendous, it threw me into a tailspin, no one understood my pain, including myself, but as time has passed I have healed in many ways and I hope that someday my son and I will find our way together again, but I also understand that he needs time, so I'm not going to push it, when he's ready I'll be there.

There's a list called "Stages of Reunion", I think it is under successful reunions, it may help and it may not, but it does give you some idea where each other may be coming from.

I wish I could make it better for you, I wish reunion was easy, but it takes work and time and patience and communication and most of all understanding, and sometimes a little space is needed.

Lewey

[patrisha]

yeidikey333 -

I am a reunited birthmom to a 33 year old son and reunions, even the smoothest ones, have hurdles.

Open communication is the only way to stay on track at all. I know there are times when my bson gets both angry and jealous that he missed growing up with his sister and I. That's healthy and ok. He also has to understand that I can't change that now, nor am I willing to dedicate the rest of my life trying to make it up to him.

During the first year of our reunion when we were still getting acquainted, I spent my vacation visiting him or having him visit me. He or I would call each other at least a couple of times a week. That was more often than I called my daughter living 10 miles away.

Now it is time to slow things down. He is always welcome to visit, but he can't expect me to take off work each time he comes. I will continue to go see him, just not as often. (We're 1500 miles apart) My husband & I have very demanding jobs and full schedules. Sometimes when we sqeeze in a vacation we want it to be a get away for just the two of us and I won't feel guilty about it.

In other words, I am beginning to treat him as I do my daughter. Once he understood that, he felt better instead of feeling pushed away. The level of "normal" communication varies between families. I see far too many people getting hurt feelings based on their interpretation of someone elses behavior. If you want to get the right answer, ask your birth family. The only thing that may have changed is that they're are also just starting to treat you like a normal family member, instead of your previous special status.

Good luck,
Trisha

[dl]

That's really good insight. It's like the honeymoon phase vs. day to day real life. Think it helped for your son to realize that you were treating him no different than your daughter.

Agree, open communication is the key to any successful relationship. Your comment about normal family member instead of previous special status really hits the nail on the head. I'll bet that misperception is responsible for many reunions getting derailed.

[debsdone]

Patrisha,
Thank-you so much for sharing that! It totally makes sense! Having adult children myself, I am somewhat suprised it didn't occur to me! LOL But somehow, this "search" seems to get me thinking with the mindset of a "daughter" rather than a "mother" I really should pay attention to that, thank-you! Love, Debi

[shirleyville]

Thanks for the insight! It really does make a lot of sense. As a matter of fact, I just sent my cousin an e-mail about something similar.....just sort of touching base with her about what she and my aunt are thinking and feeling about all of this now that some time has passed and the "shock" of discovering one another is wearing off.
In many ways, I feel like this ravenous castaway that has been stranded on an island all my life, and then all of the sudden, there is this huge spread of food placed at my feet! I want to devour it all -- immediately! I have so many questions and thoughts and things I want to share with them, but I am afraid of being over zealous or too invasive. The only way I know how to be respectful and take things at a level that is comfortable to them is to simply ask. "Am I asking too many questions?" "Am I contacting you too frequently?" "Am I telling you things you would rather not hear?" How will I know if I don't inquire? SO I did. We shall see what kind of response I get.
In so many ways, I am very afraid that it will all just "go away"...that they will suddenly decide that this situation isn't good any more....but if they do, it will be because THEY decided it, and not because I haven't been careful and respectful!
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs,
Sally

[yeidikey333]

(*Warm Hugs to everyone*)

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all this. And thanks for letting me vent, its such a relief.

Patrisha, maybe your right, I never thought about that possibility, but, I dont know, this whole thing doesn't feel right. Im afraid theres something more behind all this attitude.

The worst part is that sometimes I start acting like a couch potatoe, watching T.V. feeling sorry for myself, and somehow guilty. I know that im surrounded by people that loves me , oh so very much, but still, something is still missing, (and I guess that wont change a bit with time).

Even though I know how they look like now, I dont know if it was really worth it, I mean Im more hurted now than I was before. Because before I had hope and I was looking foward something good. But anyway, I crashed into reality.

There are so many things left unspoken, so many unanswered questions. I need a little advice now guys on what should I do...

I was thinking of writing a letter to birth mom, that way, I think, there is less pressure, and more time to think about the whole situation. Should I ask her those questions I have and never asked? Related to birth father (all I know is that he was portuguese), family history etc?
That way, if she never speaks to me again for whatever reason, at least I wont be asking myself those questions, I think I have the right to know...

And, should I ask her to give back the pictures I sent? (It was like a whole photo album, from newborn to wedding pics).
Im not so sure about this one though, maybe that would be too hard? Gee, Im just sooo confused.

This whole thing feels like a dream, I have even asked myself if im dead and this is my punishment? Oh well...

It feels like im trying to reach her with my arm, shes close, but I cant reach her at all, like something is pulling me back, farther and farther.

It really sucks to realize that I might NEVER look at her eyes, like I dreamed for a loooong time.

(Hugs)

[patrisha]

yeidikey333 -

There are questions only your birth mom can answer and it is certainly your right to ask. It's also possible that although you have hesitated to ask questions, her daughter has overwhelmed her with them. Don't rule out a little jealousy, either. I remember my daughter telling me shortly after my reunion with my son that "I guess your sun doesn't rise and set on just me anymore". LOL She was joking, but I know she felt a little put out at first.

I wouldn't think she went to all the effort of introducing you to everyone unless she wanted an on going relationship. It's just that it's called the roller coaster of reunion for a good reason. I know you've heard that the joy of reunion also resurrects the associated pain of the orginal loss circumstances. Believe it.

It's ok to let her know you're feeling a little confused about the drastic change in contact. Just don't stress or try to second guess her feelings or behavior until you actually have a reason.

As Debi said "this "search" seems to get me thinking with the mindset of a "daughter" rather than a "mother". Maybe you thinking like the "little girl" instead of the "eloquent young lady"
you seem to be from your posts.

You've come to a great group for support - and we'll be here how ever we can help. Good luck

Trish