[jaded10377]

I'm trying to determine how many women and men regret adoptions and why. I'm having my baby soon and making an adoption plan. A lot of people tell me I'll regret my decision. Please tell me how you feel about yours and what makes you feel that way.

Thanks!
- H.

[Jensboys]

Jaded -

Only YOU can know the reasons you are considering making an adoption plan for your child. Only you know if those reasons are going to support you through the adoption journey or not. I cannot dare to speak for birthmoms as I am an adoptive mom. But I also have seen first hand the grief and loss that birth families face in adoption. Sometimes that grief and loss is is tainted with regret regarding the adoption decision, other times it is tinged with regret for other choices in life that resulted in being in the position at all and sometimes it is overlayed with peace = knowing that they made the best decisions they could at that time. Only you know where you are at - so please find an educated, unbiased counsellor well versed in adoption issues and educate yourself.

On a side note, I have great concerns when anyone tries to talk expectant parents either into or out of an adoption plan. I adopted two boys from foster care who had been parented by their first mom completely inadequatly. I often wonder if she would of had the courage to make an adoption plan at their birth how much would they have been spared. Maybe she too would of been on these boards regretting her decision? But what would it of spared the children, certainly not everything but an awful lot! Of course that is just once situation and not meant to reflect on you or yours.

[Mitzi]

Over the years I have come to conclusion that the reasons I placed my daughter were only temporary. Placing her for adoption was a permanent solution to temporary situations.
I am sure she is growing up in a healthy and happy home, but at times I think she should be here with me. I guess that is what they call hindsight 20/20. If I had it to do all over, without a doubt, my daughter would be here with me. Good luck to you!

[dl]

I have no idea what your personal situation is and why you are considering a plan of adoption. As an adoptee, I thought you might want to hear from other adoptees as to what their experience as an adopted person was like. You will see many posts from adoptees on this thread “Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee”.
http://www.adoptionforums.com/showth...threadid=95993

There is certainly no guarantee that this would be the experience for your child if placed for adoption. But it will give you a perspective. The decision to place a child for adoption is an extremely personal decision based on your own circumstances and your life. I completely agree that sometimes permanent decisons should not be based on temporary situations, but only you know what is going on in your life. Only you can decide what is in the best interest of not only the child, but you.

[sspete]

Jaded--I myself would not change one thing about the adoption of my baby girl. I have missed her terribly and it and times has torn me apart emotionally, but I know I nor my family could have raised her at the time into the woman she is today. I wanted to raise her, but I was only 16 and no where close to being able to provide for a child. My parents were going through a divorce, and raising a baby was just not an option for them. My bdaughter has needed so many things over the years that I know would have been very dificult for me to provide for her. Glasses, braces, problems with allergies, and other "things". Adoption is such a personal choice. You and You alone are the only one who can make this decision. Doing what is best for your baby is the primary goal. If you can provide for your child emotionally and financially then I say your baby is best with you. If you do not feel you are ready for motherhood I would say placing your baby is a great alternative. Being a parent is the hardest job on earth if done properly. It is most assuredly not to be entered into lightly. It is a tough road, but can be done if you have the maturity. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you will do what is right! Many Blessings spete

[jenniferjeramie]

HI I AM A BIRTHMOM TO A SOON TO BE 10 YEAR OLD BOY AND I DO NOT NOW NOR HAVE I EVER REGRETTED MY DECISION ABOUT ADOPTION. TO AVOID REGRET YOU NEED TO BE SURE ABOUT YOUR REASONS AS TO WHY TO PLACE YOUR LITTLE ANGEL IN THE FIRST PLACE. ARE YOU GOING FOR AN OPEN ADOPTION OR A CLOSED ADOPTION? THIS CAN BE A DETERMINING FACTOR IN YOUR HEALING PROCESS. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONE.
JENNIFERJERAMIE

[yg1023]

H

You're doing the right thing to ask about adoption. I thoroughly regret my adoption (plan)
yg1023

[londar]

i never regret the adoption. some days are really hard. i think about my daughter all the time. take a camera with you to take lots of pictures in the hospital. my only regret is only holding her in like two pictures.

[vixta]

hello there,

i don't have any regrets, as although i could probably bring a baby up in a happy healthy enviroment now, two years ago was a totally different situation.

the only regret i have is how much if has upset my family... they don't seem to understand that i gave him up because i loved him, not because i didn't. the thing you need to realise is that if you are able to parent a child now that does not mean you would have been able to do it as well then, we all grow throughout our livesand i found that the experience of decision making and getting things sorted i had when i gave ivan up for adoption has made me a better person, but if i had kept him... the consequences could have been awful. ivan could not wait 18 months for me to sort myself out, nor 12, nor 6. i didn't want to be a mother. i was not ready. i have the greatest repsect for parents, as it is the most difficult and important job in this wide world. if you want to succeed, you will, but simon and sue were ivans parents from the day he was concieved, it just happened in the wrong body. i will always love him, and i am already looking forward to the yearly contact letter, but it was not the right time or me. however, it was the birth of ivan which has made me grow up enough to consider bringing another member of the family into the world.

sorry if this offends anyone - it is my personal opinion

love to you all,

vixta

[vixta]

sorry, just wanted to mention that in the uk most adoptions are carried out by social services - so the potential birthparents are screened, trained, put through psychologial examinations and are not allowed to give the b'parents gifts in case it is seen as buying them off. no money changed hands in my adoption - i gave them a few gifts for ivan and i get photos, but that is it.

all love to ya,

da vixta (listening to janis)

one womans catharsis www.geocities.com/worklovelifemisc

[Andersen]

Jaded,
It's hard to say what's right and wrong or if I regret it or not. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of my son. I wonder how he is, what he's doing, who he looks like(although I did get a recent picture of him after 17 years of waiting) what his interests are and so on., Do I regret my decision? I don't know. To this day, I don't know. Sometimes yes, sometimes No. At the time, I thought I was doing the best for him. I still hope that is the case. From what his aparents have written to me, he is a happy, healthy energetic young man. I wish I could have seen that my life was going to turn out great and that I would have two beautiful daughters, his sisters, but I didn't know that then.
I wish you the best in your decision. Get all the information you can and then you have to do what is right for you and your baby.

[glori7458]

Jaded,
I gave my son up 28 years ago thru LDS social services.Things were alot differant back then.I had no say in anything that happened.My parents sent me out of state.I was a total wreck when I found out I was pregnant.Sixteen years old and scared to death.I was sent out of state to live with my father,that had previously sexually abused me for 7 years.I cried every day.My father had my doctor give me drugs to keep me sedated.I was extremely sick with toxemia and it resulted in my son being born 2 months early.I was put to sleep during delivery.I was told he was in distress during delivery.I never got to see him or know anything about his adoption.I didn't even know if he lived or died until a few months ago.
I was finally told some un-indentifying information about him.It was a happy day,because I finally knew that he lived.And that he was adopted by a wonderful LDS family.But that still didn't fix the hole in my heart, from not having him in my life.
I know that everyone is differant,but I believe that was the beginning of my life living in depression.I know that my decision was the best thing for him.But I wish my life had been differant so he could have stayed in my life.I have three beautiful children and they all know about their 28 year old brother.
His records are sealed and I don't have access to them.I have registered all my info so he can find me he wants.So as far as I can see he hasn't tried to find me.And that hurts....Who knows what he was told about me,maybe he doesn't even know that he was adopted.I personally don't believe that I should be kept from finding him.He is 28 not a child.
But whatever you choose to do,should be your choice and one that your comfortable with.Because it will be with you the rest of your life. Good luck & Take-care gloria

[Resseda]

I don't regret my decision at all. You are the only person who knows exactly what is happening in your life...no one else can tell you. I was completely atpeace with my decision, and still am. I might have changed "things" about the adoption, like the level of openness or the afamily, but that doesn't change the decision to place my son.
If you want to chat mroe, you can email me at resseda@yahoo.com.

Ress

[kimmy30]

It is not so much regret, but now that i am older have a hold on my lofe and especially now that I am mother to another child. I sometimes get the "what if syndrome". I feell I am very good mother now and sometimes wonder if I could have been the same to my daughter. I know my lofe was different then. I couldnot do it then. I knew someday I would question decision. But not hat It was wrong, but becaue I have the wisdom to control my life which I did not have then.

If it was not for the adoption and the adoptive parents, I would not be where I am today. I was very immature at the time I got preganant, but I came out of it with a maturity the was far beyond my age.

It has been 13 years this month. And took a long time to get from here to here.

[bnsheerose]

Dear Jaded,

I am a birthmother and in response to your question about do we regret placing our children for adoption, my reply would be both yes and no. I do not regret placing my daughter with her family because of the situations that her sisters and I were in. I know she is safe, well-loved, and being raised in a healthy environment. I am at peace with that. The only thing that I have ever regretted was putting my children in that position in the first place. That I came to a conclusion of adoption; that I couldn't provide more; that I made a poor choice and that in a way they had to pay the price for it. I am okay with it all now, but there are occasional times that I still feel it. I guess a major part of it all to my own healing is to learn to forgive myself for being human. I love my children very much and I know that there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. No matter what, there is definately a blessing there, even if it can't always be seen right away.

Sincerely, Cat W.