[browntap]

I hope it is okay that I post here. I am not a birthparent but a hopeful adoptive parent. We started the process this summer and a few times my younger sister "joked" with me saying things like, if I have a baby would you adopt it? I answered her no and said that relative adoption can be a very difficult situation. Also my husband and I had decided to try and pursue a semi-open adoption (dh is really not comfortable with open and I'm unsure too.).

To make a long story short, my little sister is pregnant. After telling my husband, HE came to me and said that if she decides to place, we should let her know we are interested. He feels that through prayer this may have been what God had meant for us and it just took this situation to open our eyes to open adoption. No one has yet to sit my sister down and have a real heart-to-heart talk with her. So her intentions are really not known and we do not know anything about the baby's father (we know of him, but we've never met him.).

So I was wondering how other families who have been through relative adoption made it work. We live within 45 minutes of one another and are a pretty close family. I would appreciate anyone's input about this. Also, knowing my sister's personality, I don't think she would agree or take counseling seriously (whether she places or parents, I believe she could use it just to get through the pregnancy). Any suggestions on talking with her about that?

Thank you,
Tammi

[savoy6]

I'm adopting my nephew and i am also wondering the same thing. I feel uncomfortable every time i talk to my sister in law about adopting her baby. I never thought i would talk to another woman about taking her baby. She wants this adoption very much, I love her and don't want her to hurt, but its hard to know when to express my excitement about the baby and still be sensitive to her. Do any birthmothers have anything to share with relative adoptions?

[Jensboys]

I am an adoptive parent but also run an adoptive parent support group. I also know some birthparents who have placed in a relative placement, and aparents parenting a relative placement. I will be honest here and hope I dont offend....

Most times it doesnt work. Sometimes the reason is that the adoptive parents wouldnt of otherwise considered adoption except that "so-and so" was having a crisis pregnancy and this seemed a solution. In those cases, adoption is foreign as is the issues that come up with it. Because of that, boundaries arent respected, roles are confused, emotions are unexpected and lives can be ruined.

Secondly, if you werent comfortable in the first place with a totally open, "integrated" adoption with a stranger, how are you going to feel knowing that EVERY Christmas, EVERY thanksgiving, EVERY special event where aunts and unles would normally be, that your child's birthparent will be there. Are you preapred to deal with feelings of jealousy, of possessiveness, of unworthiness, of fear. Are you prepared to know that the REALITY is that for the majority of the family, they will always view the birthmother/father as the childs parent, even if they fully accept you as the adoptive parent. Are you prepared to experience the inevitable grief, loss, and anger that the birthparent will go through up close and personal? Are you prepared, if unable to deal with those emotions, to close the adoption and tear apart your family?

Thirdly, because everyone is so "close" sometimes the emotions that NORMALLY follow an open adoption placement overwhelm and destroy those relationships. There is no opportunity within family to "get perspective" or see the person outside that past relationship. Boundaries in the best of families are fuzzy sometimes -- introduce a child that everyone loves, everyone is possessive of and you have a recipe for disaster if proper steps arent taken.

Steps to take: Seek Counsel. Both together and apart. Even if the parent DOES not choose adoption, deal with the emotions of how you might feel seeing that baby every holiday for teh rest of her life, knowing she might have been your child. Think of the birth parents perspective as well.

Establish some guidelines, and understand that you will need to review, reevaluate and reestablish them as the child grows. Does the birthmom want to be at every birthday party? What about school events? What will she be called? What will her other children be referred to as? Do the grandparent roles change? Can the other relatives be educated about adoption? How often are you going to talk on the phone about the child, exchange pictures? What about if the emotions get to hard after placement ... how often are the absolute bottom guidelines for contact set ... meaning how often as a MINIMUM will you send pics etc...

Good Luck!

[browntap]

Thanks for the advice but I did talk with my sister today and she is leaning toward parenting. So my husband and I will continue on our quest and wish her the best.

Tammi