[pamelap1975]

I am an adult adoptee seaching for my birthfamily. I have had no luck so far. I found out that the agency lied to my adoptive parents about my birthparents. It has been a confusing process so far. I have read on a few of these posts about adoptees haveing trouble with relationships in their adult life. I wondered how common that is? I am 27 years old, and I am on my third marriage. I look back at my life and wonder what happened, how did I get to this point. I married losers, men who didnt want to work and support my family. I have threee beautiful daughters, and I would do anything for them. I look at these men and wonder what I was thinking, was I desperate? My adoptive family is wonderfull, I couldnt have picked them better myself. I have always felt loved, and wanted. They never said a bad thing about my birthfamily. I just wonder if this is a common problem with adult adoptees. Maybe I chose men I didnt think would abandon me? I left both of my husbands, one was abusive and that lasted 6 years. The other one was just lazy, and it lasted 2. Are these "abandonment issues"? I am married right now to a wonderfull man.....but I am very paranoid. I dont think he will ever leave me, but I find myself worrying alot about it. Anyway.....sorry to be long winded, and I hope I made some sense. Anyone with some insight on this....please reply!!

Thanks
Pamela

[BABY GIRL J]

I AM ALSO AN ADOPTEE. MY NAME IS RACHEL AND I AM 31. THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION~I THINK WE ARE SEARCHING TO FILL AN EMPTINESS INSIDE OF US. AN EMPTY PLACE THAT ONLY OUR BIRTH PARENTS WILL BE ABLE TO FILL. I ALSO HAVE BEEN MARRIED 2X'S AND RECENTLY DIVORCED FROM #2. I'M USUALLY GOING FOR THE "UNDERDOG" AS MY ADOPTIVE DAD PUTS IT. WHEN I READ YOUR MESSAGE I CAN ABSOLUTLY RELATE TO YOUR FEELINGS! IF YOU'D LIKE TO CHAT A LITTLE, CLICK ON MY PROFILE AND SEND ME AN EMAIL! HOPE TO TALK TO YOU SOON!~RACHEL

[Leezamarie]

I have to respectfully disagree. I don't think finding your birthparents will fill an emptiness in you - finding them will answer questions you were wondering about.

I met my birthparents several years ago, and yes I was glad to have my questions answered and all pieces of the puzzled complete. But, in no way do I feel more complete by knowing them. I have, and always did have a very full and complete life. I have wonderful parents, great friends, a loving husband (my one and only), and terrific kids.

I understand that as adoptees there is always a sense of wondering who we are, where we came from. However, we make our own choices in our lives. We cannot hope that by finding people who only knew us as infants that our lives will somehow be complete. Please do not rely on others to fill an emptiness inside of you.

[BettyPsych]

Filling the emptiness is truly an inside job. Noone can, or should be expected to, fill the void. Seek help and you will be amazed.

[irenedavis]

I think that people generally and not just adoptees, struggle a lot with the notion that many others (partners/birthparents/children) can make us feel whole and well. Our significant others can support us and we can help them in the effort to heal and be healthy. But, the work is ours to do. It has taken several years of therapy for me to really "get" this. The acceptance of this responsibility was oddly empowering. Relationships are hard work but I believe they are worth every effort.

[dl]

Completely agree with the others that no one else can make us feel complete inside ourselves - but ourselves.

There are many that choose to blame being adopted for anything and everything that they don't like about themselves or what is wrong with their life. That is just not realistic. There are many people that were raised by their biological parents that end up having multiple marriages and many problems. What excuse are they supposed to use?

Get some counseling and hopefully you will be able to accept responsibility for the decisions you have made and strive to make better ones in the future.

[Raichyll]

I don't think that all people are looking for an "excuse." Maybe some are, but I think there are as many people out there who are just trying to figure out why they make the decisions they make. Sometimes delving into our past helps us to change our future. For some the answer lays in their having been adopted, just as for others it lays in their family history (children of divorced parents, for example). Knowing why one chooses to respond a certain way in a given situation can often help you make the choice to change your reaction.

I've always maintained a certain level of detachment in my relationships, and felt that 'no one truly gets me' sentiment. But, I also see how I keep people at a distance because I never believe that they truly want to be with me. I always think they are choosing me as a last resort. Deep down I realize that this is not true, and I struggle internally all the time not to let my insecurities rule my actions. I don't think I'll ever truly have a handle on that until I figure out why I respond that way in the first place. It seems to me that the unexamined feelings surrounding being adopted might have something to do with it. This is not an "excuse" for my behavior, it is simply the beginnings of a new chapter in introspection and growth.

[dl]

Agree, as long as the introspection and growth are focused on oneself. The original poster was asking if her behavior was the result of being adopted. That's different than what you said "It seems to me that the unexamined feelings surrounding being adopted might have something to do with it." Unless I'm misunderstanding, you're talking about your unexamined feelings. Yes, understanding ones own feelings is how one grows. Are you working with a counselor?

Learning things about bparents is interesting and perhaps will explain some things for us. In my non-id info report I found out bmother wore glasses - I've worn glasses since I was 7. Thought that was interesting. We are all influenced by many things - family, friends, society, movies, tv etc. but our choices, our behavior and the way we choose to react to things is not predestined for anyone. It is a very troubled world and many people have many insecurities.

[Raichyll]

It's interesting; I really didn't see the original post as an attempt to absolve anyone of responsibility for their problems. I saw it as a first step in the direction of shedding some light on why one makes the choices one makes.

It seems to me (counselor or no) a little introspection in a positive environment, with people who have shared a similar experience is a good thing. Just being able to discuss things here might be enough for some people.

Personally, I am not too keen on counselors. I prefer my own brand of self exploration. As they say, 'to each his own'. Though, I've never been quite sure who "they" are.

[dl]

Agree - I've never had a lot of faith in counselors either. Many people do think they help though.

[Noelani]

I would like to respond to the following response to Pamela's concerns in relationships:

"We cannot hope that by finding people who only knew us as infants that our lives will somehow be complete."
"Please do not rely on others to fill an emptiness inside of you."

While I think I understand what you are saying, I would like to offer my personal spin on this. I am not a therapist or social worker, simply an adoptee on a quest.

Many adoptees perceive their conception and birth to be a "mistake", "illegitimate", "a second option", "crisis pregnancy", "unwanted". It is easy over time to identify one’s SELF with these perceptions and labels.

Growing up, I was assured by my a-parents that I was placed for adoption because I was loved. But I think what I learned emotionally from that was that Love=Abandonment, that ‘all good things come to an end’, and that even love has its limits -- a bottom-out point. While my parents loved me deeply, I didn't know how to fully TRUST that they wouldn't surrender me as well. After all, I was a secondary "option" to them... or so I saw it. Point being, they loved me and wanted to fill that "void" or need for love in me, but my own inner fears of being abandoned, kept me "on guard". I went out of my way to accommodate my family to assure being "wanted"...as if I had to DO something or meet their NEED in order to belong and not be undesirable or unwanted.

I have found myself in "needy" relationships...as if being "needed" means being "wanted" and being "wanted" means being "loved". Those kinds of relationships never fulfilled me. I found them one-sided, lacking a mutual connection. It was as if I felt more comfortable giving that receiving. That felt safer to me than allowing myself to feel vulnerable enough to receive. Of course, I found myself seeking out those "needy" people who were not in an emotional space to meet my own needs. Sounds crazy... because it is crazy, not to mention destructive.

Anyway, perhaps "relying on others" is exactly what you need. Perhaps the FEAR of "relying on" or really trusting others is what is keeping you isolated from the real connection that everyone needs in order to feel they are validated, significant, and worthwhile. While I understand that true happiness comes from within, and we are not to be dependant on others for our happiness and wholeness -- it is in being affirmed, accepted, validated, and unconditionally loved that we discover just how loveable we are. Once we find ourselves as love-worthy, we no longer settle for "less" in our relationships. But we have to look for trust and love from people who are just that -- trusting and loving. And then we have to learn to trust them enough to allow them the opportunity to experience that trusting relationship with us.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we can't fill those empty spaces inside of us in a vacuum. We do need others in order to feel fulfilled. That is just part of being human. No one is an island. But WE have to do the "work" of learning to trust so that we can actually experience that kind of connection that makes life full. And, of course, we need to surround ourselves with those trustworthy people.

Recently reunited with my birthmother, I can say that that "missing piece" in my life is setting into place in my heart. She didn't simply "know me as an infant", but she loved me into this world, and I know now that she loves me more than life itself. Her presence and unconditional love has given me the gift of being "born again"... a kind of "psychic birth." This time I get to put those phantom labels to rest. I know now that my conception and birth was not an unwanted crisis or a tragedy. I am not a "product" of teen pregnancy, the "solution" to my parent’s infertility, the "result" of unprotected sex, or an "illegitimate" bastard-child. I AM: daughter to mothers and fathers; I am sister, lover, and friend. I was and am loved and wanted. I belong in this world and hold a special place in the hearts of these amazing people. I matter.

The missing PEACE ... that gnawing void on the inside... it was my search for my SELF - and the hope that I would discover a self that was love-worthy. I have those valuable ‘missing pieces’ to work with; and I know now that I am love-worthy, because I am finally learning how to give my adoptive family, birthfamily, and friends the opportunity to be "on the inside". I trust them enough to allow them be there with me in my "voids". Through their unconditional love I find myself valued, wanted, and cherished. I LOVE being loved by each one... And I love my SELF!

Many blessings on your quest, Pamela. You are worth more love than the world can hold! Give you heart that chance.

A Fellow-Adoptee Along the Way,
Noelani

[gabriella]

Noelani,

That was a beautiful response! I agree with so much of it! Bravo!
Your insight is magnificent, and so much of finding the positive side to all of this lies within our ability to give of ourselves, and embrace others!

Thanks for your uplifting words!

Gabriella

[Noelani]

Thank you Gabriella!

May we all find healing from the broken pieces of our lives... May they be gathered up with tender arms and brought together to create a beautiful stained glass masterpiece; illuminated hearts, bringing hope to others.

Peace!
Noelani

[jjusme]

I have been doing some reading on this subject. In my searches I have found many articles that cover the underlying rejection and abandonment issues that are found in adult adptees.

I am a true skeptic when it comes to phsyco-babble and often see therapist types as people who make a buck off of other people's situations by giving them excuses for why they do what they do.

That said, I went into my search with an open mind and found that for the most part there are bonding, abandonment and rejection issues which affect how an adult adoptee handles realationships with people. These issues go way back to the time of birth and adoption.
I won't get into huge detail but weather concious or unconciously, these things have an effect.

Check the web, there are lots of really great articles that may help you to understand your relationships better.

jjusme

[darkknight]

There is a really good book by Joe Soll (an adoptee and therapist) which explains this quite well and some exercises to try. (they sound funny at first but if you stick with it, it does help)
The title is "Adoption Healing a path to recovery".