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Originally Posted By Tonja

I had requested that my adoption records be opened from the court and rec'd them a couple of days ago. I don't know what I expected to find, but the feelings that I felt when I read them were so strange to me. (I've known that I'm adopted from the time I could speak, but that was it. No details.) When I was reading these papers, instead of feeling more connected or more of an identity like most people would, I feel more lost. Like i just lost who I thought I was or that I'm a different person now. Seeing in black & white that I had a different name besides the one that I've always known just made my head spin. Even though I know & knew that I couldn't have been born "Tonja", it really didn't occur to me that I had had a different name. It makes sense, but I never had a thought about being a "baby Kinney" as the papers read. I really feel sad and mad then happy again when I think of my own baby that I am pregnant with now. I'm sad that I feel so differently than I imagined I would. I feel disconnected from everything. I'm mad that I think that my A-mom and Dad may have known this woman's name & that she lived in our town and never told me. I understand why my A-mom wouldn't have told me because she was very protective of me. (She passed away 8 years ago), but not my A-dad especially once my mom was gone. It's frustrating and irritating to me right now. Then I feel happy that my own baby will not go through this. Happy that he'll know his mom and dad & where he gets his "traits". I'm at least thankful that my adoptive parents were honest enough with me to tell me I was adopted from the beginning and I feel bad for those who don't find out until later in life. That must be so traumatic. I'm so thankful that I had an a-mom that loved me more than anything else & did the best that she could. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what my name "was" or "is" or who gave birth to me. I am the same inside my heart as I was two days ago. I need to thank God for the blessings that I've received and that my birth mom was just trying to give me a better life.

The papers had my birth mother's name, but I'm not sure if I really want to pursue finding her.

Thanks for letting me vent..... I really needed to get that off my chest. My (supportive) husband, friends and family can't understand how I feel.

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Originally Posted By Lori Ann

Tonja,
You are certainly entitled to feel the way you do. It is confusing, and emotional, this whole adoption thing. That's one reason why I think these message boards are so helpful. You can connect with others who feel the same way you do. No matter how hard they try, people who are not adopted can not understand how we adoptees feel. I felt the same as you when I was pregnant with my first child. I thought how wonderful it would be for my children to be born to their birth parents, something that everyone else takes for granted, but we adoptees have more of an appreciation for this as we did not grow up with our biological parents. Whether you choose or not to seek out your birth mom is only a decision you can make. Follow your instincts about that. If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. You can always pursue that later if you wish. And please don't be angry with your A-dad. Adopted parents have fears, my A-mom did, and when I found my birth mom, it caused a lot of problems for my A-mom as she thought she would lose me. It's complicated, but you will sort it out in your own way. Sounds like the best thing for you to do is to focus on that baby you will be having soon, there is nothing that can compare to how you will feel about your child.
Good Luck!
Lori

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Originally Posted By Julie

I too am feeling very confused and overwhelmed right now.
I always knew that I wanted to meet my birthparents. I love my adoptive family, but I never felt like I quite "fit their mold" I guess. I was always different not only in looks but personality. Its always been a struggle.
The need to find my birthfamily was never as strong as when I had my first child. I remember the 1st day I brought her home I just held her and cried. She didnt look like me, she didnt look like my husband - it was a mystery that I wanted and needed to solve for myself. The next day I called the adoption agency that, to my surprise got in contact with my birthmom the same day. She was not only living in my small town but had been here my entire life. The adoption agency told me that she was waiting for me to find her and was excited and wanted to meet. That was nearly a year ago. Since then, things have hit a dead end. She has had family matters to attend to, my child has had health problem (which makes knowing the genetic end of it much more necessary) and now above all else, the adoption agency doesnt return my calls. I was so close and I feel like it was all taken away. I am sitting here waiting and wondering again.
Also, just a question....the birthgrandma expressed an interest in meeting me as well. She was the 1st one they made contact with. The adoption agency tells me that I HAVE to make contact with my b-mom before I can meet anyone else - bfather included. Is this so?? I feel that I should be able to take control of my own adoption and family and meet whomever I wish.

Thanks for hearing me vent. Ill keep you posted.

Julie

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Originally Posted By Lori Ann

Julie,
I feel for you, to get so close...as far as your bgrandma wanting contact with you, sounds resonable to me, but if the agency has a certain policy, I don't know how you get around that. My advice to anyone wanting contact with birth family is to use an intermediary if possible. Using a go-between can ease tension in many cases. A trusted friend or family member could possilby help in this regard. They can feel someone out and help facilitate a meeting. Direct contact can sometimes be intimidating. So it's something to think about. When I found my birth parents, I had to use a P.I. to do it, and he set up the meets and went with me. A terrific means of support I can tell you. Plus he had invested a lot of time and money (my money of course) but he wanted to witness the reunion after being so involved with me and the search. As I have mentioned before in an earlier post, I wrote a book about my experiences, fictionalizing the story. It's called Follow Your Heart, and was just recently published. If you want more information, or to vent more, feel free to contact me at janos@calis.com. Good luck to you.

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Originally Posted By delis

IM IN DESPEREATE NEED OF ADVISE ON A COMPLICATING SITUATION. IM SEEKING ADVISE AND EXPANDING MY OPTIONS BEFORE I MAKE A DESISION I MIGHT REGRET IM SCARED AND HAVE NO ONE TO SUPPORT ME AND HELP ME. THIS IS ONE OF MY STEP TO DEALING WITH THIS, IM HOPING TO FIND OUT ENOUGH INFORMATION ON LINE, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON A COMPUTER REACHING OUT AND PRAYING THAT ITS NOT JUST A DEAD END I DONT KNOW WHERE THIS MESSAGE IS GOING I FEEL KIND OF DUMB,THINKING THERE MIGHT BE PEOPLE WHO WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS AND CARE ENOUGH TO WANT TO HELP. I DONT MEAN TO SOUND SO NEGATIVE ABOUT THIS I REALLY HOPE GOD ANSWERS MY PRAYERS.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By delis

IM IN DESPEREATE NEED OF ADVISE ON A COMPLICATING SITUATION. IM SEEKING ADVISE AND EXPANDING MY OPTIONS BEFORE I MAKE A DESISION I MIGHT REGRET IM SCARED AND HAVE NO ONE TO SUPPORT ME AND HELP ME. THIS IS ONE OF MY STEP TO DEALING WITH THIS, IM HOPING TO FIND OUT ENOUGH INFORMATION ON LINE, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON A COMPUTER REACHING OUT AND PRAYING THAT ITS NOT JUST A DEAD END I DONT KNOW WHERE THIS MESSAGE IS GOING I FEEL KIND OF DUMB,THINKING THERE MIGHT BE PEOPLE WHO WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS AND CARE ENOUGH TO WANT TO HELP. I DONT MEAN TO SOUND SO NEGATIVE ABOUT THIS I REALLY HOPE GOD ANSWERS MY PRAYERS.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By delis

I'm here. Believe me, there are people who care and can understand what you are going through. You can e-mail me, or post more information on the board. Please let me know why you are feeling so desperate, maybe I can help. My e-mail is: janos@calis.com
Take care,
Lori Paris
Author & Adoptee

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Originally Posted By Lori Ann

Sorry, messed up my last post. It was from me, Lori Ann to Delis. Delis, I hope you read it.
Lori

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Find your birth mom. It may be the best gift you can give to your children, yourself and the b-mom. Don't go into it thinking anything more than finding a new friend.
Diana

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Originally Posted By Pam Reed

We are all adopted by God. Let some time pass, and as I remind my daughter, focus on the good and let it heal the hurt. Look it all square in the face, accept what is, not what could have been.

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Originally Posted By To Tonja from Kathy

I can relate to everything you wrote! I found my bio-mom 12 years ago and it wasn't until 6 months ago that I finally dealt with all my "feelings." Therapy was a BIG help in achieving this :0) You said it nicely when you spoke about learning you had a birth name from your bio-mom by saying, "...just lost who I thought I was.." When I learned I was born Tiffany Ann, I freaked! When my records were unsealed and I sat in another room at the courthouse to open my file I thought I was handed the wrong file. The clerk who handed it to me said, "No dear, that's you." I almost passed out. I never thought I had a different name than what I was given at 10 days old by my a-parents.

Like you, I was told at a very early age that I was adopted. I have two siblings that are not adopted and my folks have always made me feel "biological."

After knowing myself for 34 years, I have just started to really "know myself," if that makes any sense. I have two children and like you (so many similarities!!) I am glad they will never have to deal with being adopted. It's wonderful and tragic, all at the same time. Wonderful because there is a family out there making you part of their life but tragic because there is a "family" out there that misses you and will not get to see you grow up. That's a lot for us adoptees and we don't deal with stuff like that until we are adults.

When I was 22 years old and had just located my birth-mom, I went to dinner with my roommate and her folks. When her mother learned of my reunion with my birth mother and the whole adoption "thing," she said to me, "Sweetie, you need therapy." I was so hurt and angry that she said that to me. After all, I came from a loving home and had a good life growing up, I had just found my bio-mom...how could I need therapy? Twelve years later I FINALLY put myself into therapy. My friend's mother was right all along. I didn't know I was in need of healing because I didn't know what it meant to be adopted...I just knew what the term meant.

My supportive family and hubby and friends are great too, but like yours, they just can't understand how I FEEL. Now I can because through therapy I've been able to understand how I feel. Good luck to you Tonja. Feel free to e-mail me any time!
lubeck@charter.net

I wish you peace.