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  #1  
Old 01-23-2013, 01:40 AM
dectski dectski is offline
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"When I have children"

Something that has popped into my mind lately. When I have kids, how will the bparent/aparent thing be handled then?

It's something that worries me a little. I mentioned this line of thought to my asister one time and she told me that I 'do too much' but she says that about pretty much any of my adoption-related feelings. You know, something she really isn't in a place to judge.

I'm curious to know how other adoptees have managed this (as far as the role of birth parents vs adoptive parents as grandparents, involvement, etc.)

I don't think my amom will treat my kids any different than the child my asister (her bio daughter) has, but I fear the opposite with my adad and I know if he says some of the things to my kids that he's said to me, I might have to pull the ghetto out and throw down.

Thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 01-24-2013, 11:16 AM
gmarie21 gmarie21 is offline
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I have three children and my parents are each remarried (my aparents, that is) so the confusion is huge. For my oldest it has been the most challenging since this all was introduced (meeting the complete birth family after we had lost contact for over a decade) when she was older. The other two haven't had a difficult time, they just go with the flow. However, they have all these people that love them and frankly, the only people they see with great frequency are my husband's family and my mom's family (amom). Everyone else is seen every few months.
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  #3  
Old 01-26-2013, 10:30 AM
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Sitta Sitta is offline
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Dectski, I would imagine that this is something that you could work out with everyone as the situation arises.

If your adad has been unpleasant to you about adoption issues in the past then you might need to be careful about watching his interactions with your kids, and have an idea of how you will handle the kinds of things he's said to you if he says them to your kids. Kids will believe you if you say that something someone said was mean, especially if you them offer a better explanation or idea. You might also want to limit contact with your adad, depending on how bad it gets.
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:06 PM
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kakuehl kakuehl is offline
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Somehow children can't have too many grandparents! Love is multiplied not divided when more people are involved. As long as the adults (the grandparents) don't think they are competing, the kids will have no problems. D's kids call me Nana Kathy at this point. They don't try to figure out how I fit into their lives; they only know I love them.
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  #5  
Old 01-28-2013, 04:28 PM
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BethVA62 BethVA62 is offline
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In my situation, which I hope is not like yours!, all of my parents have made me feel stuck in the middle quite often. Some are worse at it than others. Since bmom and bdad were not together, my kids get 3 sets of grandparents (my husbands parents makes 4 sets, but they have passed)

They have felt the stuck in the middle feeling like I have. We've gotten very good at not mentioning things to certain people. I can't remember ever supporting me and my kids in lying like that. It just makes it so much easier to just not tell everything or sometimes flat out lie.

But none of my sets of parents have ever met or spoken with each other, and they all seem to like it that way. And due to that choice one or the other may be left out of certain events. I leave it up to my kids as to who is invited to attend.

I've gotten down and dirty a few times with them.
My kids get it, and that's what matters to me. Like me, they aren't always happy about it.

They don't care which set is sending them cards though, especially cards with money in them
The grandparents all want to know, and have asked... sooooooo ummmmmm did they send a card (or gift) and ummmmm how much money was in that card????????????? LOL I think that could happen with any grandparents. But maybe not in the same way. I urge them and my kids not to play that game, ugh.

It's harder for them to ask my kids things than to ask me, so I don't know much at all, and send them to the kids for their answer. BTW my kids are 18 and 28 now, so they can handle grandparents fairly well LOL

Once when my son was about 15 he told amom after getting 20 bucks in his bday card from bmom "oh, um, it was 200 bucks, yeah, 200, that's what it was, 200 bucks Nana!" "Top that!"

Does your sister have kids?
I had my two first, my two abrothers (aparents bio sons) had kids after I did. I did notice a difference in how their kids were treated. BUT there is a difference in our kids, and their parents.
I was more angry that they didn't share some of it with me in the room, that the difference was to be kept hush hush sort of, mainly due to them thinking it would upset me and mine. BUT We know that my kids don't have those parents or grandparents facial features, toes, skin, hair, etc. They may not have the same talents to inherit. Of course they would treat them differently in that way. I do, so that was a hurdle to overcome, for them more than me really! I was the one who said things in front of everyone like, omg she has mamaw's eyes!! how wonderful!! The looks on aparents faces was complete uncomfort. I tried to help with that. I think that is something to be celebrated.

At that time I didn't know what me or my kids had inherited from anyone, so it was a bit bittersweet for us. just not somethign that should have been hidden, or taken from my neices and nephews, they deserve to celebrate that, no matter what's up with me.

Aparents were the ones that didn't take it well when they heard my son has his grandfathers nose, my daughter has her grandmothers specific talent, the same hair as her cousins, my dad has the same odd migranes and he's found a cure that works, my brothers and I have the same feet! They don't want to hear that so much.

They do love hearing that my daughter acts like my amom in many ways, and my son has many of the same opinions on things as his aGrandpa.

So, it can be fun at times!

I will tell you that I have seen, and have been told by my mom and dad, that they would much rather hang out with my kids than the others LOL
One of those horrible!, but good neener neener we win moments.
so, HA HA!
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  #6  
Old 01-28-2013, 05:32 PM
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susieloo susieloo is offline
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Quote:
Somehow children can't have too many grandparents! Love is multiplied not divided when more people are involved. As long as the adults (the grandparents) don't think they are competing, the kids will have no problems. D's kids call me Nana Kathy at this point. They don't try to figure out how I fit into their lives; they only know I love them.

Well this is my approach toooooo!!! However there are those that do compete for affections, or to prove who is best etc etc. This kind of behaviour has prompted me to take a step back in my "Grandsons" life. Sad really as I have so much love to share!!!!

More the merrier I say!
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  #7  
Old 01-29-2013, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by susieloo
Well this is my approach toooooo!!! However there are those that do compete for affections, or to prove who is best etc etc. This kind of behaviour has prompted me to take a step back in my "Grandsons" life. Sad really as I have so much love to share!!!!

More the merrier I say!


That's very very sad Susieloo. I wish it wasn't so.

If I ever get grandkids I hope and pray it's different, but unless something changes I can't see how it will be. I've gone above and beyond to share the more than merrier attitude.

Our new in-laws have pressured our newlywed kids from the beginning in the same sort of ways. Where to live, how to live, where to work, where to go to church, how to raise future children, who are/were the better parents, trying to one up me on presents on purpose.

I thought my daughter might eat her bossy father in-law at their rehearsal dinner. She sure let him know who was in charge LOL I've never seen a pig man sit down and shut up so fast, that's my girl

I've tried for a while (all of 6 months LOL) to not play that game at all with them.
I've done the opposite, but really I've (and the kids) just let them think they've "won them" because I am so ******** nice.

The gloves are off now and my claws are sticking out due to events today that made both my daughter and son in-law feel really bad about themselves, when there is absolutely no reason for them to. Hurt their spirits, nothing makes me angrier than someone kicking my daughter down a notch or making her doubt herself with their crazy opinions.

I'm joking, a little. I'm doing well so far at not blowing my top tho. It's not easy!

They won't have a chance if I do decide to play.
I'll build a new home for them on plenty of land, in a great location, new cars, abundant babysitters, mechanics, plumbers, electricians and such, their own little village with more food than one can imagine, freedom of spirit, security, great conversation, lots of fun and love and hugs to give freely. All with no strings attached, live, come and go as you please.

All they have is too much debt, judgement and their particular Jesus.

Game over baby.
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  #8  
Old 01-30-2013, 02:20 PM
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susieloo susieloo is offline
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I'll build a new home for them on plenty of land, in a great location, new cars, abundant babysitters, mechanics, plumbers, electricians and such, their own little village with more food than one can imagine, freedom of spirit, security, great conversation, lots of fun and love and hugs to give freely. All with no strings attached, live, come and go as you please.

lolololololololololololol
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  #9  
Old 01-30-2013, 03:51 PM
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Sitta Sitta is offline
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I'm curious... Do all the adoptees here expect to have kids?
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  #10  
Old 01-31-2013, 03:24 PM
murphymalone murphymalone is offline
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My biological clock didn't start ticking until I was 33 years old. I had met my partner of over 25 years and I knew right away it was going to be long term. He is the kind of person I would have wanted as a father. Calm, caring and incredibly protective....so my clock went into overdrive. I trust him implicitly and vice versa.

Before I met him I made sure I didn't get pregnant. I didn't have any desire to parent alone or with any of the other men I had met.

So we started our journey.

We've had our issues as all families do but first and foremost in our family the truth is paramount. I have instilled that. We hash out our differences and we stand up for each other against the world.

The bond is strong because we worked at it. I travelled and lived my life independently until I worked through all the baggage from my past.

I made sure that I was able to support my daughter no matter what. I finished my degree after she was born. I watched my adoptive mother make some pretty poor choices in men so I made sure I could take care of myself and her no matter what.

I live and breathe that. I may have indulged her in many ways but we are very close. I instilled in her self defense from the time she was able to talk. She takes no guff from anyone. She makes her own choices and I have drilled it into her that no matter what; if she tells me the truth I will help her.

She has not breached that trust.

However before I did the work on myself I would have been completely paranoid and extremely dependent on my relationships for my identity. I worked through all of that before I had a child.

For years I wasn't sure if I wanted a child because I knew there are predators out there. It took time for me to believe the world was a place I wanted to bring a child into.

I am sure that my parenting style is not usual but I taught her to challenge authority. I told her she is the master of her destiny....fate happens and we can't control that; but our destiny is ours. No one can take that from us.

I am sure there are people who would differ but it works for us.
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  #11  
Old 01-31-2013, 05:10 PM
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BethVA62 BethVA62 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sitta
I'm curious... Do all the adoptees here expect to have kids?

The words "I want to have a baby" have never, ever, ever come out of my mouth.

I feel like I've spent the majority of my life trying to avoid it. And failed! Which is a sad way to think IMO.

After noticing most of my grandmothers, for many generations, had at least 10, some 20+.

I'd say by only having 2, I did accomplish my goal fairly well, with what I had to work with. Thank God for modern science.

Probably the opposite thing to say on this type of forum.

For me, now, I do know that loosing my mother and being adopted had much to do with my attitude about having children.

And a whole lot to do with how I raised them.
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  #12  
Old 02-06-2013, 11:22 PM
dectski dectski is offline
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gmarie21:
Whew! My aparents are together so no stepparent/family issues to field.

Sitta:
I don't really want my bmom in my kids' lives, so that won't be a giant issue, but I'm not sure about my bsiblings. I have several. I don't know who my bdad is and don't care to. I know some of the adoption complex issues I have thanks to what he has allowed to spew forth without regard. I don't want my kids to feel this.

kakuehl:
If my bmom didn't lie so much about the circumstances of my adoption (and if she didn't let people sell drugs out of her house) I'd consider allowing them around her when they came along. I doubt any of what I just said will change.

BethVA62:
I know my amom wouldn't be that way. Both of my aparents have tried to get me to have some kind of relationship with bmom (bmom is adad's cousin and they grew up together basically as siblings). My sister (aparents' daughter) has a daughter herself. I don't worry about my amom treating my kids differently, but I fear my adad will as far as his mouth is concerned.

Sorry it took me so long to respond. Things have been crazy lately. I've been on all kinds of medicine for my (increasingly) crappy lung function. I've been out of work for 10+ days over it. They *think* it's all because of an allergic reaction, the mystery here being the allergen. On we go...
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  #13  
Old 02-07-2013, 05:32 AM
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kakuehl kakuehl is offline
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Deckski, I'm sorry to hear about your lung function. Where do you live? Sometimes the "allergy" is to the cold weather. My lungs have been better since I had a bout of congestive heart failure last year (go figure!)

I hear what you are saying about your bmom. Did your adad not want to adopt? Obviously my post came from my own point of view as a bmom, but as a pastor I see a lot of people who seem to view love as a "pie" -- that is, as a finite quantity that must be divided between the people in our lives. Those people lose so much by not being open to receiving -- and giving -- love beyond a small circle of family/friends.
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Birth mom to D (10/4/72)
Mom to J(7/6/76) and S (7/26/78)
Nana to: D's S, I, Z, A; J's R,B,J1, J2, M, M2,C ; S's AJ and E


"Weeping may linger for the night,
but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

Click hereTo read my story
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  #14  
Old 02-12-2013, 11:04 PM
dectski dectski is offline
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Updates:

I think I figured out what's triggering the allergic reactions. My lungs are better since I've cut out said substance. I've been breathing pretty well for days. Score. I live (basically) in the Ohio Valley region. People without breathing trouble have had breathing issues this winter. I have two chronic lung diseases, so you can see where this is going.

I'm thinking now that my adad was an active participant in the adoption because it's what my amom wanted. She could've adopted me alone, and now I'm wishing she had. She finally admitted to me that she doesn't really like me talking to bmom (her and I have been corresponding a little more lately.)

I had a conversation with bmom the other day and she admitted a few things I already knew, as follows:
She felt in her heart that our relationship as mother and son was doomed when she found out she was pregnant again. She didn't have room in her heart for a fifth child. She never bonded with me or saw me as her child (at one point, when asked how many kids she had, she rattled off "four", completely forgetting she did, at that time, have five.)
She saw from a very young age that I could take care of myself and she was so overwhelmed with her marriage and other children that she was content to let me do so. What really caught me the wrong way though is that she basically blamed the fact that I was in the hospital for the first 2 months of my life as her reason for being unable to bond with me ever. I don't get that.

Adad told me again the other night that he still doesn't see me in nearly the same light has his bio children and quite possibly never will. "Maybe in 20 years, maybe never" were his exact words. It had been almost a year and a half since the last time we had that conversation. It tore me up the last time. Not so much this time. It hurts, but I guess after something happens once, you're prepared for it to happen again. I very seriously doubt it will ever change. His expecting me to just be patient and okay with everything is kind of audacious to me, but then again, what can I do? I guess I'm just tired - exhausted is actually a better word - of being second all the time.

I'm holding out hope that a future marriage and a family of my own will at least provide me a chance to show the love to my children that I can't get from any kind of parent. I don't know.

I thought I was okay with not searching out my bdad because of adad, but now I feel like... why spare his feelings when nobody seems to care about mine?

At almost 21 I figured a lot of this wouldn't be an issue anymore. *sigh*
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Old 02-22-2013, 12:33 PM
dmariehill dmariehill is offline
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I was passed around with family as a child after my folks divorced and then had my step dad adopt me. My step dad and his family are no longer in my life - but I have so many folks that feel like grandparents to my little one. I've never even considered how to explain it all.

On my side, there's my mom and current step-dad (Grandma and Grandpa), mom's folks (great grandma and grandpa), mom's bro and his wife (Nana and Papa), My aunt's parents (Memaw and PePaw), my bio dad and his wife (Grandpa and Didi) and my bio dad's mom (Great Grandma) The names in parantheses are what my little one calls them. My Aunt's parents aren't actually related but since she and my uncle helped raise me, they're my family too. All of these people love my little one. Nana (my aunt) has my LO's picture on her wall of grandkids.

So is it a complicated set of relationships? I guess so. But in practice it doesn't feel that way. They're all just people who love her. Someday she'll wonder about Nana and Papa and I'll explain it then. In the meantime, I have a very special relationship with all these people, and it's just more love for the LO.

I hope it turns out the same for you.
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