[awife]

Hello. I am a new member and the wife of an adoptee. I hope it is ok for me to post here.

We just reunited with his birth family via the internet and the feelings are all over the place.

One relative was very anxious to reunite the entire family asap. (Some of the siblings were adopted together and some remained with b-mom). For me and my dh, and one of his a-sibs, this is way too much, way too soon, mainly because they were removed from their b-home due to neglect and they have traumatic memories of their time there.

I admit to feeling a tad guilty (un-Christian and all that) for not wanting to support/affirm/validate the b-mom because my husband still has emotional and physical scars from his time with her. (Not physical abuse--neglect) It would be difficult for either of us to be in her presence without wanting a lot of questions answered--and probably not liking all the answers. But, I'm hearing from the family member who has not lost contact with her, how "awesome" the b-mom is...

Anyway, I wanted to ask you all if anyone knows of any resources out there for navigating this. I did see the Rules for Reunion page on here and forwarded it to a few of the family members in question.

I am especially interested in info about neglect as opposed to abuse. I keep seeing things on the internet lumping them together and I would like more info on neglect itself.

Thank you all very much.

[txrnr]

Welcome! I can hardly blame you, or your husband for having some confusing feelings. He certainly lived it, and I can understand why this would be exciting, scary, emotional etc...
My advice (and it's free, from a stranger on the internet, so keep that in mind) is to try and have an open mind as much as possible. Are you the same person you were 20, 30 years ago? Do you believe it's possible to go through something that makes you change your life? It is possible that his bmom is now a wonderful woman. It doesn't change what happened to your husband, but nothing will. He may get some answers and closure from this relationship. Of course it's possible that the family members version of "wonderful" is way different than yours.

Reunion for any of us is a scary thing. Scared of being hurt, rejected, not accepted etc... Seeing as your husband has experienced all that already at the hands of his bmom, I can totally understand why you'd be protective. As hard as it is to say, it would probably help for you to stay as neutral as possible. This may be one of those things he needs to work through without feeling anyone elses expectations. He's now an adult who can make the decision to hear his bmom out, to have contact with other family, to forgive, or walk away. If he feels you are leaning one way, he may follow simply because someone else is still making the decisions for him, even if that's NOT your intention. No matter what, he'll need you to be there when he does work through things, and I am sure he'll need your support!

I hope you don't think I'm trying to exclude you from the process... far from it. Promise!

[awife]

Thanks for the advice! I am trying to stay neutral, believe it or not!

He is still angry at his b-mom for what she did, even though they were in extreme poverty at a time before food stamps or public housing existed.

In spite of my roller-coaster feelings, if he decides to meet her, I will support him 100% and even go with him. As it stands now, I'm hoping he agrees to at least a 1-time contact with his bio-sibling, who has been searching for decades for him and was left literally in charge of his younger siblings at the age of 8, before SS removed them from the home.

ETA: re-read what you said and, you are right. I think I am inserting my opinion into this--it's so hard not to want everything to somehow "work out", kwim? But, you are totally right. It is his decision, just as it is his other a-sibs decision to be involved or not.

[Blessed2x.]

You seem loving and supporting.

I can understand how it hurts you too because of your love

I can't speak from experience in this area but as an adoptee and a pretty practical person I suggest he have one reunion at a time. One on one. That he not be pushed into a big thing if he is not ready. Theres so much history and STUFF here.

Best of luck

[awife]

I tend to agree.