Adoption Forums®

Members List Photos Events Local Adoption Support Search Arcade Reviews Membership Upgrade
Welcome to the Forums. Register
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.
Forum Categories
User Name

Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 03-02-2012, 11:39 AM
tapiocawrench tapiocawrench is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2
Total Points: 2,397.50
Unhappy i'm going to be a dad! but my aparents are ruining it!

I'm an adoptee, and my wife and I are expecting our first baby. We're so happy!

But my adoptive parents... they belittle my news and criticize my thoughts about vaccines and birth options. They treat me like an idiot (I'm 32, with a law degree) and send me links to dumbed-down parenting advice websites. I'm insulted, hurt, and really angry.

Should I just relax, control my anger, and ignore them? I want to be as happy and excited as possible with my wife, not upset about ancient-history conflict with my adoptive parents...

Thanks everyone!
Reply With Quote
Adoption Reunion Information
Our reunion registry can aid your search for your birth family. Premium memberships available, offering benefits like:
  • Automatic searching
  • See who's viewed your profile
  • Higher message limit
  • Copy of Search & Reunion E-book ($19.95 value)
  • Just $9.99 / yr!
We'll Search for You!
Click here to visit Registry
Don't miss out on finding your match at's Registry. For just $9.99 per year we will do the searching for you. Receive notifications automatically. Plus...find out who is searching for you! Registry

Old 03-02-2012, 12:05 PM
Reo Reo is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Total Points: 511.56
ALL parents give unwanted advice

You'll soon find out that you get unwanted advice on how to bring up your kids from EVERYONE - from strangers on the street to friends and neighbours to your parents.

The doctor that delivered my son 26 years ago gave me the best advice: smile, nod, thank them for their concern, and then do what you want to as your child's parent :-)
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 12:37 PM
DPline's Avatar
DPline DPline is offline
Buy American

Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 15,283
Total Points: 412,351,834,289,902.25
Exactly what Reo said!

And honestly, it continues indefintely. Mine are 8, 8 and 13 and I still get plenty of unsolicitated advice. Even from random strangers.

Practice smiling, nodding, and letting it wash over you.
I am no longer employed by Adoption Media.
Elevati has purchased the website and has chose to use their own onsite employees for moderation.

Last edited by DPline : 03-02-2012 at 05:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 12:45 PM
wanttodoright wanttodoright is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 99
Total Points: 13,097.62

Reo is right. Lots and lots of people will give unsolicited advise and you are going to hear so many labor and delivery gory details. That is the best advise to smile and nod and do what you know to be right for you and your child. Big events like this sometimes bring about unresolved issues. You may feel some of these with your parents. It's normal.

Good luck and enjoy!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 12:56 PM
lapoema's Avatar
lapoema lapoema is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 18
Total Points: 7,451.76
I wish I could help, but all I can say is I know it sucks. With my first one, oh I got hell from my husband's grandmother, because-- get this-- I was breastfeeding and she had an issue with that. Seems she had some weird chip on her shoulder because she had fed her kids formula, I guess. She would make these snarky comments about me and really hurt my feelings. Thank goodness, she got over it and we get along great now! It took a couple of years before I stopped being scared of her though, lol.

Anyway, if there is anything I learned from it, it is better not to tell people the details of how you're doing things, if you can't take criticism.

Sorry, it sucks but it will quit after a year or so, most likely, once they see that you haven't killed your kid...

Congrats too
Not yet a foster/adoptive parent, but it's in the plan. Here to learn.
Mama to:
C (bio DD, 7-10-06)
S (bio DD, 3-5-09)
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 05:49 PM
Allofus Allofus is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 53
Total Points: 6,995.09
Unfortunately, this is something that occurs across the board.

My MIL has had major issues. She can't accept that guidelines, and laws have changed.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 10:18 PM
theLBs's Avatar
theLBs theLBs is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,619
Total Points: 48,530.79
Sadly, this is a part of parenting, I'm afraid. My MIL drives me bonkers! You'd probably be surprised that I'm Able to dress myself, much less my son, if you heard the things she gives me advice about..."do you have his shoes on right?" Um, yeah...they're pretty self-explanatory. "Are you going to out a jacket on him?" no. It's 74 degrees out. She even told me to "keep him away from that bad kid" referring to a friend's 2 y.o. Her crime resulting in the "bad kid" label? She took a toy away from another kid. Grandma thought it was perfectly fine when my 1-yr old took a toy from her...ugh! And those are not even the big issues. Good luck to you, and don't let them ruin your excitement...they're the ones who will be missing out...
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2012, 10:07 AM
BethVA62's Avatar
BethVA62 BethVA62 is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,742
Total Points: 37,631.22
Originally Posted by tapiocawrench
I'm an adoptee, and my wife and I are expecting our first baby. We're so happy!

But my adoptive parents... they belittle my news and criticize my thoughts about vaccines and birth options. They treat me like an idiot (I'm 32, with a law degree) and send me links to dumbed-down parenting advice websites. I'm insulted, hurt, and really angry.

Should I just relax, control my anger, and ignore them? I want to be as happy and excited as possible with my wife, not upset about ancient-history conflict with my adoptive parents...

Thanks everyone!

Congratulations Dad!!!!

Ignore them. Laugh at them! Try to find the humor in what they say. Don't waste your time arguing or trying to explain your choices to them. Don't let 'em get to ya!!!

My aparents reacted in a similar way. And with both of my children they even suggested adoption as an option for us! I was 22 when I had my first, my 29 yr old husband and I were both working and renting a nice house. Not good enough, we weren't making "enough" money they said. I was too young and we should have a nice savings and own a home before we had kids. And of course advanced college degrees or we just weren't worthy. Obvious clueless idiots to them.

10 years later when I had my second, they suggested adoption again. Even tho we did own our home and were making enough money to make it all happen. Our daughter had managed to survive for 10 years somehow with our lifestyle LOL It just wasn't how they would do it. My mom insisted "it would interfere with my carreer, you should think hard about adoption". I could have slugged her many times. If she were anyone else I probably would have. I have rarely felt comfortable around them as a mom with kids. They've always had something to say, and they've always been wrong!!

We still live on different planets, I pay them no mind. Somehow we manage to enjoy each others company regardless.

It is funny now that my kids are grown and both doing so well. Much better than their other grandchildren are who had "perfect" parents in their opinion all along. She certainly never suggested adoption to them! (I asked them LOL) Mom has bragged and bragged to me about what perfectly wonderful parents they are in a horribly snooty looking down their noses way. I imagine it was so maybe I could have a chance to know how to change and do well like them LOL

Recently Mom is suggesting I should help my brothers (their bio sons) with their kids, and their marriages!, "it's all going so wrong for them" My brothers and their wives have always had negative things to say about our parenting as well. I chose to laugh at them all. They've treated me like an idiot for over 28 years... who are the idiots now? LOL

Dad, you get to choose your own way, and you don't have to live or parent like anyone else just because that's how they did it, or this is how they expect you to do it.

I hope you enjoy every second of it Dad, it goes by too quick, take lots of pictures!!!!
Reply With Quote

Old 03-03-2012, 02:28 PM
EZ2Luv's Avatar
EZ2Luv EZ2Luv is offline
Senior Member

Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 2,006
Total Points: 87,583.67
I really do not think this had much to do with them being Aparents, it is what parent do. Parents, grandparent, aunts ect
Beleive me EVERYONE thinks they have the best advice. My MIL was was the worst and my husband is not an adoptee lol.

Welcome to the world of being a parent and Congrats!!

In Rememberance of my 3 Brothers in Heaven, who went to live with Jesus before I was born.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2012, 03:44 PM
BethVA62's Avatar
BethVA62 BethVA62 is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,742
Total Points: 37,631.22
I'm sorry they belittled your news about your child to be. Maybe they will get in the game soon.

I know how that feels and I hope the majority of any kind of parents don't do that!!

I can't imagine doing that if my daughter brought me that kind of news. I'd be thrilled, they'd have to tie me down and possibly sedate me.

The comments and advice, well yes, better get used to that from all sorts of directions!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2012, 12:15 PM
fifitink fifitink is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 9
Total Points: 586.80
Congratulations! My amom (AND my MIL) went a bit overboard in pushing advice when I first became a mom 8 years ago. I just had my 3rd child recently, and STILL feel like I have to justify and defend my decisions as a parent...but I do not. I learned the hard way to say, "Thanks (Mom or MIL), but we have it covered." and then I change the topic. Your parenting decisions should not be open to discussion, whether you're adopted or not. You and your wife are the parents and will make the decisions you see best for your baby. I strongly suggest reading the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. It was a great resource for me in ALL aspects of my life, but especially with my amom when going through reunion w/ my bmom, as well as dealing with my MIL.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 03:01 PM
firstmom47 firstmom47 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 149
Total Points: 10,116.57
True, you'll get weird advice from everyone. I think SOME adoptive parents, having suffered inability to conceive and having adopted, have a hard time seeing their children do it so easily. They don't understand their feelings, I'm sure. I experienced this when I was pregnant (too soon) and my mom had had me only after miscarriages. I'm not adopted, I'm a birthmom.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 07:23 PM
belleinblue1978's Avatar
belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,809
Total Points: 73,693.47
So I'm adopted and a first mom both. I have a 16 yo step son. I don't parent him, his mom is super a mom and I wouldn't step on her toes. That doesn't stop my MIL from giving me parenting advice about him. The first time he stayed at our house she called to tell me about his cat allergies and how to give him allergy medication. Ok, his dad is right here, he knows about his cat allergies, and I'm pretty sure I know how to find an allergy pill for the kid, I keep them at my house for people that are allergic to my cats should they want one.

Point being, mothers and MILs are kinda nutty when it comes to their grandkids.

And if you want to hear a story about parents not being happy about a happy event.... my DH talks about the first time he got married and the first words out of his parents' mouths when they announced their engagement was "is she pregnant?" He isn't adopted, some people just don't get overjoyed about stuff.
First mom to the amazing Kiddo and adopted adult

11/25/2011 Mom and I go to a bridal shower for my baby brother's fiance. We are NOT cupcake artists.
12/12/2011 Grades are out and I got an A. Sure it was only one class, but it is still an A!
5/15/2012 Semester finishes, I a got an A and a B. I was hoping for two A's, but with all the drama, my grades were pretty good.
5/30/2012 Kiddo turns 8. Hard to believe he is so grown up! I talked to him on the phone for the first time on his birthday.
2/1/2013 Take over as Executive Director of the shelter in my community. It is so nice to work in town again.
5/28/2103 I go to a ball game for Kiddo and we celebrate his birthday. Almost 9!

LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 08:53 PM
luvbeingamom luvbeingamom is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,565
Total Points: 56,480.12
Congratulations! I'm sorry your parents don't have a filter. I'm not adopted, but my parents do some of the same things. When my DH and I announced our engagement my Mom blurted out (this was at a family Easter dinner mind you) OH MY GOD YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!! When I announced I was pregnant with my third bio son my Dad said "Really? I thought you guys took care of that" Now that I'm adopting, they come up with some really crazy advice. They just don't get the whole open adoption thing, or the concept of attachment, or parenting children that have been traumatized is different than raising my bio kids. No, I can't just spank them. Are you kidding me?

Us parents as you will find out sometimes are slow to realize our children are grown *** men, as my adult sons tell me. If your adoptive parents adopted you when they were a bit older, it may make it a bit worse. I know my husband and I are going to try really hard to see our "second batch" of kids as where they are, not as perpetual babies. It's going to be hard.

Again, congratulations! Being a parent is the most wonderful thing I have ever done!
Retired Foster Mama
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 11:00 PM
alys1 alys1 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,596
Total Points: 86,216.07
Hahaha on everyone's posts. I will say this, my mom could've been given a PhD in criticism. And visits with her and my dad in my home were *totally* upgraded, once I was a parent. Parenting wears you out! So I, as frazzled parent was able to say to my mom, "Would you read him a story please?" And she'd sit and read him 3, he'd lean on her in the most adorable pose, and I could cook, clean, stare at a wall... and snap a cute pic or two.

Trust me on this, even though critical, they might become *useful* from time to time. :-D
Reply With Quote

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Points Per Thread View: 1.00
Points Per Thread: 15.00
Points Per Reply: 5.00

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:35 AM.