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  #1  
Old 03-02-2012, 11:39 AM
tapiocawrench tapiocawrench is offline
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Unhappy i'm going to be a dad! but my aparents are ruining it!

I'm an adoptee, and my wife and I are expecting our first baby. We're so happy!

But my adoptive parents... they belittle my news and criticize my thoughts about vaccines and birth options. They treat me like an idiot (I'm 32, with a law degree) and send me links to dumbed-down parenting advice websites. I'm insulted, hurt, and really angry.

Should I just relax, control my anger, and ignore them? I want to be as happy and excited as possible with my wife, not upset about ancient-history conflict with my adoptive parents...

Thanks everyone!
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  #2  
Old 03-02-2012, 12:05 PM
Reo Reo is offline
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ALL parents give unwanted advice

You'll soon find out that you get unwanted advice on how to bring up your kids from EVERYONE - from strangers on the street to friends and neighbours to your parents.

The doctor that delivered my son 26 years ago gave me the best advice: smile, nod, thank them for their concern, and then do what you want to as your child's parent :-)
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  #3  
Old 03-02-2012, 12:37 PM
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Exactly what Reo said!

And honestly, it continues indefintely. Mine are 8, 8 and 13 and I still get plenty of unsolicitated advice. Even from random strangers.

Practice smiling, nodding, and letting it wash over you.
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  #4  
Old 03-02-2012, 12:45 PM
wanttodoright wanttodoright is offline
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Congratulations!!!!

Reo is right. Lots and lots of people will give unsolicited advise and you are going to hear so many labor and delivery gory details. That is the best advise to smile and nod and do what you know to be right for you and your child. Big events like this sometimes bring about unresolved issues. You may feel some of these with your parents. It's normal.

Good luck and enjoy!
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  #5  
Old 03-02-2012, 12:56 PM
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lapoema lapoema is offline
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I wish I could help, but all I can say is I know it sucks. With my first one, oh I got hell from my husband's grandmother, because-- get this-- I was breastfeeding and she had an issue with that. Seems she had some weird chip on her shoulder because she had fed her kids formula, I guess. She would make these snarky comments about me and really hurt my feelings. Thank goodness, she got over it and we get along great now! It took a couple of years before I stopped being scared of her though, lol.

Anyway, if there is anything I learned from it, it is better not to tell people the details of how you're doing things, if you can't take criticism.

Sorry, it sucks but it will quit after a year or so, most likely, once they see that you haven't killed your kid...

Congrats too
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  #6  
Old 03-02-2012, 05:49 PM
Allofus Allofus is offline
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Unfortunately, this is something that occurs across the board.

My MIL has had major issues. She can't accept that guidelines, and laws have changed.
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  #7  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:18 PM
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theLBs theLBs is offline
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Sadly, this is a part of parenting, I'm afraid. My MIL drives me bonkers! You'd probably be surprised that I'm Able to dress myself, much less my son, if you heard the things she gives me advice about..."do you have his shoes on right?" Um, yeah...they're pretty self-explanatory. "Are you going to out a jacket on him?" no. It's 74 degrees out. She even told me to "keep him away from that bad kid" referring to a friend's 2 y.o. Her crime resulting in the "bad kid" label? She took a toy away from another kid. Grandma thought it was perfectly fine when my 1-yr old took a toy from her...ugh! And those are not even the big issues. Good luck to you, and don't let them ruin your excitement...they're the ones who will be missing out...
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  #8  
Old 03-03-2012, 10:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tapiocawrench
I'm an adoptee, and my wife and I are expecting our first baby. We're so happy!

But my adoptive parents... they belittle my news and criticize my thoughts about vaccines and birth options. They treat me like an idiot (I'm 32, with a law degree) and send me links to dumbed-down parenting advice websites. I'm insulted, hurt, and really angry.

Should I just relax, control my anger, and ignore them? I want to be as happy and excited as possible with my wife, not upset about ancient-history conflict with my adoptive parents...

Thanks everyone!


Congratulations Dad!!!!

Ignore them. Laugh at them! Try to find the humor in what they say. Don't waste your time arguing or trying to explain your choices to them. Don't let 'em get to ya!!!

My aparents reacted in a similar way. And with both of my children they even suggested adoption as an option for us! I was 22 when I had my first, my 29 yr old husband and I were both working and renting a nice house. Not good enough, we weren't making "enough" money they said. I was too young and we should have a nice savings and own a home before we had kids. And of course advanced college degrees or we just weren't worthy. Obvious clueless idiots to them.

10 years later when I had my second, they suggested adoption again. Even tho we did own our home and were making enough money to make it all happen. Our daughter had managed to survive for 10 years somehow with our lifestyle LOL It just wasn't how they would do it. My mom insisted "it would interfere with my carreer, you should think hard about adoption". I could have slugged her many times. If she were anyone else I probably would have. I have rarely felt comfortable around them as a mom with kids. They've always had something to say, and they've always been wrong!!

We still live on different planets, I pay them no mind. Somehow we manage to enjoy each others company regardless.

It is funny now that my kids are grown and both doing so well. Much better than their other grandchildren are who had "perfect" parents in their opinion all along. She certainly never suggested adoption to them! (I asked them LOL) Mom has bragged and bragged to me about what perfectly wonderful parents they are in a horribly snooty looking down their noses way. I imagine it was so maybe I could have a chance to know how to change and do well like them LOL

Recently Mom is suggesting I should help my brothers (their bio sons) with their kids, and their marriages!, "it's all going so wrong for them" My brothers and their wives have always had negative things to say about our parenting as well. I chose to laugh at them all. They've treated me like an idiot for over 28 years... who are the idiots now? LOL

Dad, you get to choose your own way, and you don't have to live or parent like anyone else just because that's how they did it, or this is how they expect you to do it.

I hope you enjoy every second of it Dad, it goes by too quick, take lots of pictures!!!!
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  #9  
Old 03-03-2012, 02:28 PM
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EZ2Luv EZ2Luv is offline
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I really do not think this had much to do with them being Aparents, it is what parent do. Parents, grandparent, aunts ect
Beleive me EVERYONE thinks they have the best advice. My MIL was was the worst and my husband is not an adoptee lol.

Welcome to the world of being a parent and Congrats!!
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  #10  
Old 03-03-2012, 03:44 PM
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I'm sorry they belittled your news about your child to be. Maybe they will get in the game soon.

I know how that feels and I hope the majority of any kind of parents don't do that!!

I can't imagine doing that if my daughter brought me that kind of news. I'd be thrilled, they'd have to tie me down and possibly sedate me.

The comments and advice, well yes, better get used to that from all sorts of directions!
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  #11  
Old 03-04-2012, 12:15 PM
fifitink fifitink is offline
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Congratulations! My amom (AND my MIL) went a bit overboard in pushing advice when I first became a mom 8 years ago. I just had my 3rd child recently, and STILL feel like I have to justify and defend my decisions as a parent...but I do not. I learned the hard way to say, "Thanks (Mom or MIL), but we have it covered." and then I change the topic. Your parenting decisions should not be open to discussion, whether you're adopted or not. You and your wife are the parents and will make the decisions you see best for your baby. I strongly suggest reading the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. It was a great resource for me in ALL aspects of my life, but especially with my amom when going through reunion w/ my bmom, as well as dealing with my MIL.
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  #12  
Old 03-05-2012, 03:01 PM
firstmom47 firstmom47 is offline
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True, you'll get weird advice from everyone. I think SOME adoptive parents, having suffered inability to conceive and having adopted, have a hard time seeing their children do it so easily. They don't understand their feelings, I'm sure. I experienced this when I was pregnant (too soon) and my mom had had me only after miscarriages. I'm not adopted, I'm a birthmom.
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  #13  
Old 03-05-2012, 07:23 PM
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belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
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So I'm adopted and a first mom both. I have a 16 yo step son. I don't parent him, his mom is super a mom and I wouldn't step on her toes. That doesn't stop my MIL from giving me parenting advice about him. The first time he stayed at our house she called to tell me about his cat allergies and how to give him allergy medication. Ok, his dad is right here, he knows about his cat allergies, and I'm pretty sure I know how to find an allergy pill for the kid, I keep them at my house for people that are allergic to my cats should they want one.

Point being, mothers and MILs are kinda nutty when it comes to their grandkids.

And if you want to hear a story about parents not being happy about a happy event.... my DH talks about the first time he got married and the first words out of his parents' mouths when they announced their engagement was "is she pregnant?" He isn't adopted, some people just don't get overjoyed about stuff.
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  #14  
Old 03-05-2012, 08:53 PM
luvbeingamom luvbeingamom is online now
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Congratulations! I'm sorry your parents don't have a filter. I'm not adopted, but my parents do some of the same things. When my DH and I announced our engagement my Mom blurted out (this was at a family Easter dinner mind you) OH MY GOD YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!! When I announced I was pregnant with my third bio son my Dad said "Really? I thought you guys took care of that" Now that I'm adopting, they come up with some really crazy advice. They just don't get the whole open adoption thing, or the concept of attachment, or parenting children that have been traumatized is different than raising my bio kids. No, I can't just spank them. Are you kidding me?

Us parents as you will find out sometimes are slow to realize our children are grown *** men, as my adult sons tell me. If your adoptive parents adopted you when they were a bit older, it may make it a bit worse. I know my husband and I are going to try really hard to see our "second batch" of kids as where they are, not as perpetual babies. It's going to be hard.

Again, congratulations! Being a parent is the most wonderful thing I have ever done!
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  #15  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:00 PM
alys1 alys1 is offline
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Hahaha on everyone's posts. I will say this, my mom could've been given a PhD in criticism. And visits with her and my dad in my home were *totally* upgraded, once I was a parent. Parenting wears you out! So I, as frazzled parent was able to say to my mom, "Would you read him a story please?" And she'd sit and read him 3, he'd lean on her in the most adorable pose, and I could cook, clean, stare at a wall... and snap a cute pic or two.

Trust me on this, even though critical, they might become *useful* from time to time. :-D
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