[cajjj]

The door was opened to my birthfamily after I prayed earnestly I would find them. No less than a month later Catholic Charities called me, and henceforth the journey of meeting birthfamily. It was first joyous, but then it just seemed to open a lot of powerful internal emotions I had no idea were latent within me. Alot of anger I didn't know was there, until the door had been opened. I talked to a few adoption therapists about it, one therapist, an adoptive mother who has worked with and studied adoptee issues for years, she calls it adoptee rage. She actually helped me feel normal with all the junk I was going through concerning my reunion. My emotions were spinning out of control. I ended up getting seriously hurt by my birthfather's side of the family when I tried to bring up my hurt and pain. They didn't want to hear it. Actually, me and my birthfather exchanged some quite blistering emails to one another. I had been told terrible things about him by my birthmother, which did not help in my reunion with him. It also didn't help his first email to me was signed "Dad". I'll be darned if that man was going to be called "Dad" in my life, he doesn't apparently know the first thing about being a "Dad" as he had gone on to father two more daughters that he really wasn't part of their lives, especially one because he had divorced her mother when she was very young. I am very close to my adoptive father, and he is my true Dad. I was really offended when he signed it like that and let him know I would not at any point refer to him as Dad. Well, he got miffed about that. It just ended up being a disaster on that side of the family and I ended up getting really hurt. I have two half sisters on that side of the family, and one just helped stir the pot more when I tried to make peace with everyone on that side. I was seriously hurt, but seriously angry, and had to quell that anger, or I would have liked to beat the stuffing out of her for being such a callous twit. That sounds terrible, but her callousness just really did a lot to me. She really hurt me with things she said and did and it all opened up old deep wounds.
My birthmother I hate to say, nice enough, but just too many emotional and other problems that she seems to like to saddle everyone around her with, and it just got to the point I really avoided talking to her. I don't want to get sucked into that kind of unhealthy behavior. I will be the first to say I have my own issues, but I wanted to find a birthmother, not a birthCHILD, and it was starting to be like I had taken on another child in my life, in addition to the three I have. The honeymoon period had ended, and then I just got really weary with her behaviors so I kept the phone conversations minimal. I have two half sisters on that side too. I get along with them just fine, but our contact is kind of minimal as well now because we live in states far away from one another.
All in all, I realized opening the door for me just stirred up way too many powerful emotions, and made me feel crazy. I wasn't coping well with it. I just had to resign myself to the fact that it was my lot in life and to move on through God's help. My adoptive parents were also uncomfortable and offended I met my birthfamily which also created another facet of problem for me. I feel I am better off just saying I met them and leave it at that. I'm not going to make any effort anymore, if someone from either side of birthfamily wants to reach out and show an extra interest in having a closer relationship with me, that would be fine, but it's not going that way, and I have accepted that. Anyone else out there had this kind of stuff happen? Where it seemingly started out great, but then just grinded to a halt?

[shadow riderer]

Oh, you are definitely not alone. I wont rehash the story of my reunions with BPs and bfamily. It's here on the forum for all to read. I'm in no way perfect, and made mistakes too. I just could no longer deal with all the drama that seem to surround both of my BPs. I set the boundaries and, well, that's that. The door is still open to them, but the boundaries remain. It's their choice. Sad thing is they don't understand that.

As far as extended bfamily, well, it's taken me a long time to build relationships with those I have relationships with. I tried reaching out to everyone, and eventually just gave up on trying, when they didn't make an effort to reach back. It, also, has taken me a long time to recognize that the lack of interest on their part had nothing to do with me personally. When I finally reached a point that I could step back from all the emotional drama of my BPs and my own adoption issues, I realized, none of them really reach out to each other either, or spend time together. They all know how to reach me if they ever want. I've done all I know to do. It's time to get my focus back on my own life and those, who are putting effort into being a part of my life. kwim? It's taken me a long time to get through the grief I felt to finally get to this point.

It makes me sad things didn't work out better. I do have the knowledge that I was looking for when all this began. I'm glad for that. I've considered the thought of what difference did it really make and was it worth it? The answer: it did matter and it was worth it, though I wouldn't want to go through all that emotional stuff again. I think I came out a better person, and have grown so much because of it. I have the answers I was seeking, at least, most of them. I managed to get through it without slamming the door on any future contact with anyone, ans somehow, it's o.k. if they never come knocking again, which is something I think I will always feel sad about. I still think knowing, even the ugly parts, is better than wondering forever.

[austin0i]

Hi Cajjj,

You are not alone. I can relate to your experience.

My reunion started out great, but right from the start, I was the only one dealing with and exploring the emotional issues that surround reunion. My birth mother did “nada”. She just plowed ahead, without any thought to anyone’s feelings but hers

She also involved me with her family issues, specifically with her daughter and that overwhelmed me in a way I never expected. I needed her to focus on building our relationship, not use me as a sounding board for problems she was experiencing with her raised child.

I asked for a break in the reunion in a sensitive way and she fired back at me with such nastiness, I knew it was not in my best interest to keep contact with her

Almost nine months later, I find myself returning to the person I was before I even thought of searching. Life is calmer now and while I am sorry it didn’t work out, relationships are a two way street and when only one person is doing the work, they will never work out

I understand everything you said and honestly, your b-family situation sounds toxic.

My advice is to separate yourself and allow yourself to express whatever feelings you have...disappointment, hurt, resentment...all your feelings are valid. Process them and you will be able to move on

I have.

Stay strong my fellow adoptee. This too shall pass

A very happy and calm post reunion adoptee,

Kim

[cajjj]

Thanks for your replies. It helps to know others know what I feel. I'm sorry you all have had to experience the same kind of things.
I think one thing that really blew my mind is just the total unawareness and really not wanting to be aware, of what adoptees feel and what the adoptee experience is by both sides of birthfamily. I will say that my birthmother did after many, many conversations and sometimes to the point of arguments, read a few books written by adoptees and was shocked by what she read. She just couldn't believe it. She also said there was a lot of what she read similar to things I had said, so maybe it helped her realize I wasn't just being in left field somewhere. For that I was thankful, that she made that effort to read after my asking to, because I got tired of the total lack of feeling or awareness on her part of what I experienced/experience as an adoptee.
It is really saddening how people can be and just cannot seem to try to understand another person's experience, especially a child that an entire family on both sides chose to give away and never see again as far as they were concerned. I just seemed to be caught up in some never ending cycle of pain and anger, until the contact just stopped. Now it seems like I'm more calm and can let it all go better. It really is a strange, unnatural scenario to be dealing with people who are birthfamily, who SHOULD have been the people in your life, but are total strangers to you and it's a strange, sensitive dance between you and them.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by cajjj

I just seemed to be caught up in some never ending cycle of pain and anger, until the contact just stopped.

I totally agree with this

I had the exact same experience. The cycle was always the same. It always led to pain and hurt on my end.

I was belittled when I wanted to talk about "feelings". I was made to feel there was something wrong with me, when I needed to talk about feelings. She tried to make me feel like I was "weak" because I had feelings. When that happened, I was out.

I too began to relax and calm down when the contact stopped.

It is sad, but sometimes it is the only way.

This quote from the Dalai Lama really hit home with me...

A compassionate attitude opens our inner door, and as a result it is much easier to communicate with others. If there is too much self-centered attitude, then fear, doubt and suspicion come and as a result our inner door closes. Then it is very difficult to communicate with others.

There can be no real communication when one does not try to see the others perspective. This is true in all relationships and especially magnified in adoption reunion.

Take care Cajj and listen to your heart. If no contact brings you peace, than that is what you should do. If they will not make an effort to change, you will run into that brick wall...over and over again

K

[moonbeam_1]

Originally Posted by shadow riderer

It makes me sad things didn't work out better. I do have the knowledge that I was looking for when all this began. I'm glad for that. I've considered the thought of what difference did it really make and was it worth it? The answer: it did matter and it was worth it, though I wouldn't want to go through all that emotional stuff again. I think I came out a better person, and have grown so much because of it. I have the answers I was seeking, at least, most of them. I managed to get through it without slamming the door on any future contact with anyone, ans somehow, it's o.k. if they never come knocking again, which is something I think I will always feel sad about. I still think knowing, even the ugly parts, is better than wondering forever.

I've been reading through old posts today. It's one of those days where I'm in the anger" stage, and, also, on top of that, the sadness is always there. I loved this part of your post. Reuniting with my bdad was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - a crazy, crazy rollercoaster that I thought I was prepared for, but, really, how can you be prepared for it? - but I'd do it over in a heartbeat just to hear the words, "I am proud to call you my daughter."

Thank you for your posts. I've read a lot of them today and they are helping me.

Peace to you.

[murphymalone]

I am over 10 years in to the reunion and I find myself closing the door but the minute I hear even the most mundane communication from my birth mother which is usually one of those pre-sent emails related to something she thinks I might be interested in I feel like "Lassie" waiting with her head on her paws for Timmy to come out. It's unreal. That's where the anger lies for me. I have my heart on my sleeve, vulnerable; begging at the table for crumbs. That's what it feels like.

[moonbeam_1]

Originally Posted by murphymalone

I am over 10 years in to the reunion and I find myself closing the door but the minute I hear even the most mundane communication from my birth mother which is usually one of those pre-sent emails related to something she thinks I might be interested in I feel like "Lassie" waiting with her head on her paws for Timmy to come out. It's unreal. That's where the anger lies for me. I have my heart on my sleeve, vulnerable; begging at the table for crumbs. That's what it feels like.

Totally get this! Yes, yes, I feel like this too.

Last night at dinner my husband said, "Sometime you need to let go and be done with this." (He is VERY caring and has helped me so much, it's just as hard on his heart to see me so sad.) I told him that I know in my mind that I have to let go, but that my heart can't and that he probably can't ever understand that.

A lot of things that made me "me" I now realize are related to not having my bdad in my life - not that it would have worked for him to be in my life when I was younger - but the secrets and lies that I grew up with really did a number on my self-confidence.

I'm working on being a better person though and have come out of all of this a better person - emotionally drained, but a better person!

I totally get what you are saying!! ((Hugs))

[wanttodoright]

I know we all went into this reunion with NO comprehension of what it was about. Just a la te da te da, another day in the life. Then it was a big, "WHAT THE HECK?" In all the internet searches, going through the book stores looking for help on what was going on, and counseling, I personally was headed in the entire wrong direction. I knew my husband had signed over his parental rights and I knew his daughter had been adopted by her stepdad but I thought that was all incidental to what was going on. I had no idea IT WAS what was going on. I just happened to Google whatever it was I was feeling on a particular day and it was the right combination of words to bring this site up. It was like, "Whoa, baby! I just hit the mother lode!" My husband, my family, my husband's extended family, and my husband's daughter have not been interested in exploring what's happening. Not wise at all. I just keep spoon feeding them. "Guess what I learned today! Did you know that this is common or that is common? Oh, hey, by the way, I'm not a total nut case and good news, neither are you!"

I read through this thread and can see some commonality. I know my husband's family keep no contact with his daughter other than occasional Facebook posts. They don't with any of the other kids either. They are a very close family but they do it through activities and dinners and trips. From her perspective, not knowing that and not living close, it could feel like they aren't reaching out to her. From theirs, they are just treating her like everyone else. Whoever shows up, shows up.

[murphymalone]

It's quite true that members of the intact family often go about their business not being aware of the impact on the person who is vulnerable. Either that or they are aware and think the person is "unbalanced" because they are hyper sensitive to remarks or in some child like way trying to get the acceptance or test the situation.

My immediate family that I have chosen or created are indeed very protective of me. My daughter is aware of the nuances and my vulnerability. Her father, my best friend and the person who has been there at my worst knows; but is helpless to lessen the pain. Believe me I understand we can't expect our partners in the here and now to give us what we didn't get. It takes a lot of open dialogue when you realize the effect to insure that you aren't projecting old wounds on a current situation.

It comes and goes. I hope that enough people who are adopted have the courage to speak out so that in the future there will be a clearer delineation of the path. People who are adopted are often alone in their search and while there is some awareness there are huge voids.

There are people like you who are not responsible for what the people who are directly responsible for; who take the time to examine what is unfolding. Thank God for that. This isn't a chess game or a hand of cards. The stakes are very high. There is a symbiotic relationship to every move.

The void is dangerous. If people aren't sensitive and go thrashing around in their own reactions without any empathy to the fact that their silence or their remarks are impacting someone who is extremely vulnerable or shut down the results can be catastrophic.

Trained counsellors help, social service people engaged in the marketing of babies and that's what I call it are often self invested and lack awareness except to cover their arses. They are interested mainly in substantiating their employment and have little or no idea about the emotional component.

If people aren't geared to being sensitive in these situations the outcome is a mess. It's like a no man's land. There aren't may signs along the way to tell you the whole thing is about to go off the cliff.

There are many red herrings that come up because people are afraid to be honest so the immediate group ie the adopted child, the birth parents offer up things that are safe to test the waters. Some birth parents feel the whole thing is showing them up to be lacking and avoid any engagement. Some are so on the defensive they are like a stone wall. Some are in denial about the impact and minimize things.

It takes great courage, tenacity and a sense of who you are with humility to delve into this. Not everyone is so equipped. Frustrations abound. I am sometimes completely ashamed about how this affects me. I feel so embarrassed to be as sensitive to things I rationally know should not be weighted with the significance I place on them. It takes time and patience and life still goes on with all of it's toll on us.

But in the end I believe for those who are searching it's worth the effort. So I keep plugging along.

[murphymalone]

Originally Posted by moonbeam_1

Totally get this! Yes, yes, I feel like this too.

Last night at dinner my husband said, "Sometime you need to let go and be done with this." (He is VERY caring and has helped me so much, it's just as hard on his heart to see me so sad.) I told him that I know in my mind that I have to let go, but that my heart can't and that he probably can't ever understand that.

A lot of things that made me "me" I now realize are related to not having my bdad in my life - not that it would have worked for him to be in my life when I was younger - but the secrets and lies that I grew up with really did a number on my self-confidence.

I'm working on being a better person though and have come out of all of this a better person - emotionally drained, but a better person!

I totally get what you are saying!! ((Hugs))

thanks, I am glad somebody gets it too. It helps not to be floundering around on your own about this.

[wanttodoright]

Originally Posted by murphymalone

There are people like you who are not responsible for what the people who are directly responsible for; who take the time to examine what is unfolding. Thank God for that. This isn't a chess game or a hand of cards. The stakes are very high. There is a symbiotic relationship to every move.

The void is dangerous. If people aren't sensitive and go thrashing around in their own reactions without any empathy to the fact that their silence or their remarks are impacting someone who is extremely vulnerable or shut down the results can be catastrophic.

This is HUGE and true. We all went into this reunion so blind and oblivious to the emotions and to the stakes. NO IDEA. I read a statistic that 80% of reunions fail before the 8th year. If that's accurate, that's staggering. There are real people getting really hurt because of the naive place we come into this, no matter what our role is in it. How many really know what they're walking into and how volatile and fragile it can be? Most people are good people that want to do good things. There is a failure happening with a system and a world of ignorance.

[murphymalone]

Despite all of the trauma post and pre union I realize that having gone through all of it; it has made me much more compassionate and sensitive to the nuances human beings have in their relationships.

Having said that if I had a magic wand to wave to set the clock back and change all that has unfolded to have a chance to see what it would have been like; I am pretty sure I would gamble on it just to know what it feels like to be part of my birth family.

It reminds me of that Elton John song. "I might just be the lunatic you're looking for". I would have loved to lie on my stomach in flannelette pajamas watching cartoons with my brothers or aligning myself with my brothers against the world.

I would have loved to dance with my father at my wedding. I would have loved to curl up in my mother's lap at the end of a crummy day. But it was not to be.

They have gone through things I will never be apart of. It's a lost realm. I had the awareness my whole life that there were people out there. My people. My blood. My ancestors long gone guided me to them in my mind.

It all happened for a reason and what doesn't destroy you makes you more aware and stronger so for that I am thankful. So many people hunt their whole lives and don't get the opportunity so I am fortunate. I know that. I just hope in the future there are better answers but only time will tell.

I know there are children out there who are suffering in their biological families. They feel disconnected, neglected and abused. We have a responsibility to do better. I think we are all aware of that.

I think that having a dialogue about the issues of adoption is a good thing but it certainly doesn't mean we have the option on suffering. That's what keeps me sane. I need to be thankful for what I have been given. I am lucky enough or was persistence enough to find my family. If I had it to do all over again knowing what I know now I would still do it.

I hope that I can help others in the same situation by at least letting them know they aren't crazy or alone in what they are feeling. But I can't save them from their pain or frustration. Everyone has to make that journey if they so choose on their own. It's certainly not a well marked path. There are so many pitfalls and it's take courage and tenacity to see it through.

It's not to be taken lightly that's for sure.

[shadow riderer]

Thank you for saying that Moonbeam. Knowing that sharing what I went through has helped you, and maybe others, well...thanks. You made my day a little brighter.
And, I sooo get that feeling of begging too. I hated that feeling. It just takes time to get over it, and you will...in time. Hugs to you guys.

[Melva]

I really had to laugh at this, Lassie! Perfect term. I relate to that for sure.