[Amandak249]

I’m feeling kind of torn. Long story short, my birthsister “E’s” birthday is in a few days, and my birthfather called me a few days ago. He and I discussed normal things, my studies, family, etc. But then he reminded me of my sister’s birthday and suggested I call her. He told me not to text message because it gives her a false sense of audacity and she might be mean. He told me it would be beneficial for our relationship if I called her. My sister and I have had a bad relationship for years now, and nothing I’ve done has remedied that.

I can’t decide. Last time I had any contact her was a few months ago for my own birthday, when she wished me a happy birthday, and when I said thank you, she told me to "something" off.

If I don’t wish her a happy birthday, she’ll complain that I’m mean. If I DO wish her a happy birthday, I am opening myself up to some form of unhappiness.

darned if I do, darned if I don’t, you know?

Part of me feels I should be the bigger person and tell her happy birthday and mean it. Other parts of me want to say “ happy birthday you SOB”, and another part wants to ignore her and let her feel what it’s like to be hurt (bcause God knows she’s given me my fair share of hell the past years). Maybe she won’t care either way.

As you all can see….I’m sort of torn. Any advice?

[greenbottles]

Send a cheap birthday card and then forget about it/her. That way you are the bigger person plus you've not wasted much money or effort. I would never ring anyone again if they swore down the phone at me for no good reason. That behaviour is unacceptable and I wouldn't open myself up to that. Your birth father should not be interfering in your relationship - or lack of a relationship - with her if you are both adults. He should be focused on building his relationship with you without her being a part of that since her behaviour is unacceptable and plain nasty. blessing to you.

[txrnr]

I agree. I'd go the card route so it's a one way communication only. While I fully believe she knows exactly what she's doing, and what buttons to push, she's young enough to change and this is a great way to say "thinking of you, but not taking your crap" in case she ever decides to act human.

[Dickons]

Amanda,

Obviously the previous posters were much nicer than I am...but they are right. Send the card and please if she texts you or calls you to rant/swear whatever...do not play her game, just walk away.

Right now you need to protect yourself...by the way, have not heard but assume you did awesome on the language test?

I miss your posts.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[crick]

I personally wouldn't acknowledge her bday at all. If she's just going to cuss you out then what's the point? Your bdad can keep excusing her behavior all he wants, but the bottom line is that girl has a ton of growing up to do and as long as she's allowed to be a spoiled rude brat, that's exactly what she is going to be.

I learned long ago that we can't choose our family (well blood family anyway) but we can choose to not have toxic relationships with them or play their stupid negative games with them.

JMO...I know it's frustrating!

[shadow riderer]

If it would make you feel better, you can save face with Bdad, even though he needs to butt out:

1. Send generic birthday card saying wishing you a happy birthday and little else.

2. Put it behind you. Hopefully that will be the end of it.

If not:

If she calls, don't answer. If she text, remember, text back "I love you." and nothing else. If she responds, again, text back "I love you." and nothing else until she stops....shouldn't take more than a few times. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOt answer if she calls.

Final step, let it go an move on. What more could you do.

You can be nice without interacting with her, all the while Bdad hasn't got a leg to stand on. You aknowledged her birthday as he asked, and you told her you loved her. What more could he ask of you?

Personally, I think you should tell them both, uhm, well, use your imagination. Amanda, don't let them suck you into their disfunction. Sign the card Love Amanda and leave it be.

You have a choice. If you are going to continue your relationship with your Bdad, you either straight up tell him, you wont acknowledge her birthday and wish he would respect your boundaries, afterall how many times have the two of you discussed this sort of thing, or you give in a little and do the above. You have to decide which you prefer for yourself.

[BethVA62]

I hope you can stay on the high road Amanda

But the devil on my shoulder says to give her the same birthday greeting you got

If bdad wants to be in the middle of it so bad, let him referee LOL

don't listen to me! I want to pull your sisters hair sooooo bad. I can only imagine you'd like to do the same. I hope you can find a way to ignore her.

[healingfeeling]

hey amanda....

i'm laughing about beth's advice, because i was thinking the same thing!!! your sister is just such a brat!!!

the last time you reached out to her she swore at you and that is just vile and uncalled for ((((

i think your bdad should have just stayed out of it. however, maybe he thinks she'll rant and rave if you DON'T make an attempt. is she on facebook or anything? could you just write a generic "have a great day" on her wall or something? i don't want to advise you to call or text because she has no fear when those methods are used obviously. you could just mail the generic card like others suggested with a generic greeting as your tag line.

so sorry you have to stress over this!!!

[JustPeachy]

I think your bdad should stay out of the whole thing. He's trying to get you in the middle of their drama, IMO. Would you have acknowledged her birthday if your bdad didn't mention it? From what I recall, you did not want a relationship with your bsister right now. Why open the can of worms?

he reminded me of my sister’s birthday and suggested I call her. He told me not to text message because it gives her a false sense of audacity and she might be mean. He told me it would be beneficial for our relationship if I called her.

I think this is more about him than your bsister or you. Why does he think he can dictate to you not only that you contact your sister, but HOW you contact her?

IMO, your dad should stay out of the middle of your relationship with bsis and not dictate to you what you should or should not do.

If it were me, I'd not acknowledge it this year and if she gets pissy, so be it. She will get pissy either way.

[greenbottles]

Shadowrider, I loved the idea to text back "I love you" ...oh that is sooo powerful. Wonderful, wonderful response to dsyfunction. Also Amanda, I'd say the same thing if she calls and you accidentally pick up the phone. "Happy birthday, I love you but I gotta go," then hang up.
She'll leave you alone when she doesn't get dsyfunction back.
Bdad is clearly not going to stay out of it...shame really.

[Amandak249]

I thought about sending a card, but it's really too late seeing as her birthday is tomorrow ( or rather..today!)


I'll let you guys know what I decide and what happens...

[shadow riderer]

you can Send an ecard.

[Amandak249]

I sent her a message about 7 hours ago....she ignored me. Oh well. It only reiterates what all of you said haha

[ripples]

Originally Posted by crick

I learned long ago that we can't choose our family (well blood family anyway) but we can choose to not have toxic relationships with them or play their stupid negative games with them.

Hi AmandaK,
I hope everything went OK in the end, whatever your decision/actions were.

It sounds like your bsister is a very toxic person and I wonder why you're continuing with the relationship if it causes so much unhappiness?

[NanieB44]

I understand where you are coming from because the daughter I raised is, though not openly mean, unaccepting of my firstborn daughter with whom I reunited 20 years ago! (Believe me...I think that hurts me even more than it does my firstborn daughter.)

If I were you, (again, just me), I think I would be bigger than she and send her a birthday card in the mail (if you have her address). I would stay away from a text or an awkward phone call.

You never know. Maybe one day your sister and my daughter's hearts will turn around. If not...it is surely their loss and an indication of their own problems.

Good luck!

NanieB