[tolatenow]

Hello I am a birthmother I am posting on this section because I am hoping to get some help from someone who was adopted. I gave my daiughter up for adoption when she was born, I do get letters from her parents and pictures they seem like wonderful people ! she knows she is adopted even though right now she is only 2. I want to write her a letter I feel I owe her that much however I can not seem to express my feelings because I do not know how to start this letter, how do start a letter to someone that I love more then I could love anyone taht doesnt even know my name how can I express that love well still being respectfull that her parents are her parents and i would never tr to take that away or eroid that relaship in any way I am no longer her mother I know that but I want her to know dispite that fact I still love her
I need to write this letter now I am affraid somehting will happen to me and then she will be left wondering forever witch is not fair does anyone have any ideas.???

[Juliana13]

I am not an adoptee, but your post caught my eye. I hope you don't mind me responding. I am an adoptive mom, with three children. My oldest two have beautiful letters from their birth mothers, and I am so glad. As they grow they will have questions that only their birthmothers can answer. And they love to hear it, from their own "voice" how they were loved, and how their birthfamilies wanted the best for them. I can tell them "She loves you." But it is more powerful for them to read "I love you."

You have to write what you feel is right for you, but here are a few things that have meant a lot to my kids. They are only 7 and 5, so what matters to them may change as they mature and think differently, but this is what answers their questions/satisfies their curiosity for now:
- The were loved tremendously.
- They were wanted.
- The decision to place them for adoption was not an easy one
- They placed because they were not ready to be parents, not because the child was inconvenient or a problem.
- They both expressed how they feel they were blessed to be able to have this special child with them for the time they did, and the great blessing the child was to them in their lives.
- Their birth mothers each knew - with no doubt - that this was the right decision for their child.
- They each describe why they chose us as their parents (We, as parents, like this too)
- One wrote about her feelings while pregnant, her peace at finding the right family, her nervousness and then peace when she met us, what she thought of us, and why she chose the gifts she chose to send with her son.
- One wrote about her heartache, time spent on her knees, asking God what to do, and how she knew this was the right decision. (I might dial back on the heart-wrenching emotion a little - of course it is there, but a young child reading the letter might not be ready to process that yet.)
- It is fun that they wrote a little about their family - the child's biological family - their quirks, sense of humor, talents personality traits.
- Show respect for her parents. (don't sign it "Your real mother" - as my friend's birthmother did) I can see that you feel that respect for them. If you show it in your letter, then her adoptive parents are more likely to give her the letter more readily (without feeling threatened. - I know we shouldn't, but sometimes we do. Human nature.) Also, it allows your child to process her own feelings for you without making her choose between you and her parents and feeling guilty, or like she can't love you and be loyal to her parents.

Just some thoughts. Whatever you write, just write from your heart, and it will be fine. One of my childrens birth mothers is very elegant in her language - very educated and well spoken. One is not at all. But it does not matter to my children. Their birth mother is their birth mother. As long as the love comes through, it will be treasured by them. And it will help them understand the love that is there for them, and have the answers that will help them be emotionally healthy.

Good luck! Kind of a big deal - scary trying to get it just right. But if it is from your heart, it will be just right for your child.
-Juliana

[mymotherssacrifice]

Just that you are asking what to write shows that you are one of the good birth mothers. I don't think I could think of anything better than what Juliana wrote. My birth mother is disabled so my situation is a little different. I think the key is from the heart, telling the child what they meant/mean to you including that they were wanted, and I really like putting in how you knew there A-parents were the right ones. The only thing I would also consider, obviously if you aren't interested in this don't put it, but that would be your feelings if she would ever want to find you. One other thing would be more about you, maybe some quirky stories from your childhood, likes and dislikes, if appropriate information about bio dad. I have 3 sons, never had a daughter, there is a part of me that wonders what a biological girl of me would be like, I think just knowing there is someone out there like me would be a comfort. I would also say include some pictures from your childhood and one of you pregnant. Okay maybe you should do a letter, and even consider doing a memory/scrap book that could be something you give her when she is 18. I can only imagine how precious of a gift that would be someday to know that you were cared and thought about by your birth mom. I wish you the best, I wish we all could have birth moms as thoughtful as you.

[ljeffries6]

I am the wife of an adoptee who has allowed the unknown facts of his adoption to destroy his and our family's life. I oft wonder if his Bfather would simply have written some type of message. anything...that would have simply given him some connection to his history. I am so grateful that today there is some line of communication that is available to you, adopted parents and child. We have 4 adopted children in our family and they know that they are loved and wanted by their parents, our extended family and birthparents. Write your thoughts and age approperate feelings yearly, give to a trusted family member, attorney or placement agency with your wish that they be delivered upon your demise.
I also full heartedly agree with above listed post. Mention childhood quirks, dad's bio, ect.