[KittyMay]

I have been reading many of the threads here with great interest and emotion. So many things I can relate to. I am in my 4th day of communications with my bmom and bsisters. I have wonderful parents, but wish to meet with them. They have been looking for me for 25 years. What is this Adoptee Pullback I am reading about? If someone could elaborate more on this I'd be grateful because since I am planning a meeting with my new large extended family next month and grew up as an only child I really have a wide range of emotions. I just would like to know if what type of emotions I will have and what is normal. Thank you.

[JustPeachy]

Pullback can occur not only in adoptees, but also in birthparents, and I imagine extended family members can experience it as well. It is when things are going swimmingly in reunion (usually the "honeymoon phase") and then emotions run high or unexpected feelings come up that blindside someone, and then they pull back, due to feeling overwhelmed. It is common from what I gather, for there to be periods of pullback.

My advice if you are heading towards reunion is to go slow, and most definitely take time to process all the overwhelming feelings that will come up. It is important to get counseling if you can, or find a support group. I am not yet in reunion (I'm a birthmom), but have attended support groups where birthmoms and adoptees who have been through reunion are in attendance. It has been very helpful to me in understanding the issues that can arise in reunion.

I think it is important to be honest with yourself and your birthfamily. If you are feeling overwhelmed and need a "time out," take that time but it is probably best not to leave people hanging wondering what happened or what went wrong, but better to explain that you need time to process everything.

I don't think every adoptee experiences pullback, but it can happen and it's good to know about the possibility and be prepared.

It is perfectly normal to have strong emotions during reunion! I can't speak to the adoptee side of it, but I've heard other adoptees say that they felt angry, and didn't know where this anger was coming from, or else they felt extremely vulnerable and afraid of rejection and so pulled back in order to protect themselves from the possibility of being hurt. It is impossible to predict what kind of emotions you will or won't have, but often I hear people say they were "blindsided" by them. I know just getting my son's identifying info stirred up so many very strong emotions in me that I was honestly shocked. I never anticipated having such strong feelings come forth and it was very overwhelming at first, but once I let those feelings settle and processed things in counseling, it was so much better. I had a lot of anxiety get stirred up and was just a mess, though, for several weeks. Thankfully, I'm better now!!!

[D28Bob]

I see by all your different posts that you are very concerned about the upcoming reunion. It sounds like everyone - bfamily, afamily, etc are supportive of you, yet you still have worries about rejection?

Don't many of us adoptees! It's probably unfounded, but that does NOT make it less real to you. A couple of suggestions;

You may be the only adoptee in this whole group. As such, every one else does not quite understand your fears. Just remember not to project your anxieties onto them, or try to anticipate their motives or reasoning; just let your heart be your guide.

Also, this will be emotionally intense. Plan time alone with your birthmom, your adoptive mom, etc. A big family gathering, with lots of new people, is overwhelming. Though they may have waited many years for this moment, you simply may not be able to handle it all at once. Plan private moments for yourself, and go for a walk with one person at a time so you can focus on THEM as a person, not as part of a blur. Everyone will be eager to get to know their new family member at once, but YOU are the focus of this, not them. You have many more years to develop the relationships which they take for granted among themselves.

It's weird, coming into a family as an adult - sort of like marrying into an Italian family! But it sounds like both sides of your family are open, welcoming, loving people so I think it will go just fine!

[alphagal]

justpeachy really summed up pullback eloquently!

it's hard, very hard, to understand what pullback is in the beginning. you are thinking about this new family 24/7 and everything is being fueled by adrenaline.

pullback sucks when you aren't the one deciding to pullback. the other person just falls off the face of the earth and you are left wondering what the hell just happened!

like they have said...seriously go slow! you really have to process everything you are feeling.

[bakerjw]

Peachys advice is good as always.

There is nothing wrong at all with pullback in the reunion process. What is not right is to pull back and not let the other party know that you need more time. As stated take it slow and above all be open and honest with yourself and the other side of the reunion.

Best wishes with your upcoming reunion.