[crick]

My dd is 11 and we've been a family since she was 4 1/2.

Recently she asked me if she had been a baby when we adopted her what would we have named her? I told her the name and she promptly said "That's what I want my name to be!"

I told her she has a beautiful name and it's a part of her. She replied with "But it's not YOUR name" I reminded her that we changed her middle name which is my middle name and that is our connection.

She pouted a bit but it seemed to lessen when I shared with her a story from my childhood about wanting a different name than my own.

This week she brought it up again and practically begged for us to change her name. We've tried talking to her about how she has a piece of her biological side and a piece of us etc. but she seems to be in the frame of mind right now where it's all about us/family.

Any ideas or insight? I don't plan on changing her name, more just input on how I might approach this better with her.

Thanks!!

[TxMom65]

Funny, I asked my husband that question once. What would we have named her had we given birth to her? Without thinking, he said her name that she has now. I would have never chosen it but now love it and am glad she has it.

We did change her middle name to a family name. When it was time to go to court to finalize she wanted to change her first name. We felt it was too much since everyone knew her as her name. Instead, we got her a doll that she gave that name to.

She now says that when she has a little girl she will give her that name. My daughter is now 10 and I think she is beginning to realize the importance of her name in her identity.

[sstuart]

I remember being that age and always wanting to change my name. Because I thought that it would somehow make my life more exciting. I remember I wanted to be Kelly or Jill from Charlie's Angels. I am not an adoptee, so I do not know if at this age, her wanting to change her name is different than when I was that age, I am sure somehow it is probably more relavant. But I do remember wanting to change my name.

[rainmon]

I also think it may just be a natural phase, no matter what your past is...as I remember all my friends and I actually would change our names for the summer and went by those names and introduced ourselves by our favorite names. no one seemed to like there own name at that age! LOL !!

[myheart]

I think if I were in your situation and my child wanted to change their name at the age of 11 I would 1st have her use the name she wanted for one year,( use only that name and nothing else)..... and if after that year she still wants to legally change her name, I would say go for it. Change her name, if thats what she really wants.! Now, if she stops midway during the challenge and decides she does not like that name .... Well, then I would say problem solved. ..... Its just a name after all, at least shes not asking for a nose job, now thats permanent

Just my thoughts

[cksmom]

I agree that it's the age. I remember me and my non-adopted friends wanting to change our names around that age. One friend even talked her parents into legally changing the spelling of her name. I wanted to change my name to something less common as I always had to use the first inital of my last name all through school.

[qs mom]

I think the more our kids understand their adoption, the more questions about their 'babyhood' come up.

My son was younger, he was almost 3. I changed his first name and made his birth name his middle name. So he draws that together. He is 8 and often gets angry and doesn't want his name from 'the other lady'. But we talk and it's ok until the next time.

I don't know how your child came to be adopted, in my situation, my son is an International adoptee. I have told him that his first mother couldn't take care of him and the only thing that should could give him was a name and that is a very, very special gift. He seems to understand that.

Could that work?

[100lettershome]

I was adopted as a baby, so my parents named me. They decided to use my original surname as my middle name. I definitely went through the phase when I wanted to change my name completely (too short, too cutesy, too boring) which I think, as people have said, is completely natural. I can't say I love my middle name, but I have no more or no less affection for it than any of my other names.

Sometime a few years ago, the topic of naming babies came up and it was revealed that my parents were going to call me "Alessandra" or "Francesca" or "Lily," which I immediately grabbled onto. Now though, it's hard to see myself as anything other than what I already am.

Did you change her last name? If so, you could emphasize that connection between your family.

[crick]

Q's mom - I think right now she's kind of at a cross roads so to speak. For the longest time she really had bmom up on a pedestal (understandably) and then over time reality has set in and she knows logically the situation. She still had a need for a connection there though (again, understandably). Now it seems like she is wanting all parts to involve only us and our family and the name change is one of those avenues.

Still hard to explain to an 11 year old that in time, she will likely not want to sever this part with her past. Even with an 11 year old who is of course 25 and knows everything! LOL!

[crick]

100letters - her middle & last name were changed, so she does have a connection with us there and we do emphasize that. In addition to the crossroads I mentioned above, I'm sure there is an element of natural girlhood "I wish my name was...."

I think I just want to be sure I don't say the wrong thing if it's more on the side of adoption related, kwim? And likely...as any parent does...will end up doing a bit of both - saying the right and wrong thing!

[RavenSong]

Crick, I love MyHeart's suggestion of letting your daughter go by the name she wants for a one-year period. After going by her desired name for one year, if she still wants to legally change it, then let her.

I can totally understand why she wants to use the name you would have given her if she had been born to you. I think that a different dynamic is going on here than the usual "I want to try a different name" thing that so many of us went through in our early teen years.

[rainmon]

let her try it for the summer...and see if it really sets in......if it does.... then you can talk more seriously about a name change.

[crick]

Thanks guys..

I don't know that I'd consider a name change though. At 11 years old she feels very strongly about things and *thinks* she knows what she wants/doesn't want. But when she's 16? What if she feels like it was the wrong decision after all and wants to change back again?

I just don't think she truly understands that it's not as simple as "just" a name change. It's an identity too, imo.

I suppose I could call her the name for a time and use it more as a nickname, but I just can't see changing it legally or enforcing it in school etc.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't know at 11 she understands the loss of connection she'll have. One day she might want that connection back and by then it'll be more difficult?

Hope I'm making sense. LOL!

[Drywall]

Crick...It is easy to understand your concerns in regards to a name change at this point...I would suggest (for your evaluation) that she make a list of names she wants to use.

The more the merrier and she is to keep the list and maybe add to it as time passes....perhaps this could be a part of her diary or personal story. She will gain a certain freedom, and for now this will provide her with options.

She hasn't figured out that to have different names on milestones in her life would be difficult... you are right, this may be just a phase, but the knowledge that she can rely on you for support is significant. Certainly a name change now would be difficult due to the school certificates etc. she will gain in the almost immediate future.

When she is 18, if this is something that is truly important to her, she can pick a name and then ask for your support.

In the meantime she will have something to look forward to doing. For the present, your support will be one more area on which she can count.

I wish you the best.

[KittyMay]

Crick,
All 11 year olds think they know it all and have seen it all and it gets worse into the teens... (my hair turned gray from the age of 11-18 with my daughter). Perhaps you could "sell" her on the name she has? Try to find out the name's meaning and find something unique about it that would appeal to something she can relate to. A little reverse psychology can go a long way with kids.