[BSchi003]

I have always had a kind of strange relationship with my amom. In some way’s we’re very similar, and other’s we’re very not. First of all, I want everyone to know that I love my amom, she has given me everything and anything I have ever wanted and she loves me very much. I have no doubts about that.

However, she is very overbearing, anxious, incredibly overprotective and incredibly insecure. In her mind, everything is about and is a refection of her. For example, growing up, I used to spend a lot of time at my best friend’s house, not because she was my bestfriend and lived only two minutes from the school so it made more sense, but because I didn’t want to be with her. I chose to go to a college six hours away not because I loved the area and the hockey team or because it had been my dream school since freshman year, but because I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. I decided to find my bfamily not because I needed closure or because it was something I had wanted my entire life, but because I wanted to hurt her, even though she said she was ok with it. You seeing the pattern here? Even when I was at school, high school or college, she needed to know exactly what I was doing every second of the day. She would call my cell phone repeatedly, three or four times in a row and if I didn’t pick up, even if I was in class, she would get incredibly nervous, going so far to call the front office while I was in high school, and my RA when I was in college, to have them check up on me.

My agrandmother is no help. She, herself, is the same way and tends to reinforce my amothers feelings. They always know where the other is and what the other is doing, and talk to each other constantly. My mother went to college 20 minutes from her parents house and when she married my dad they moved into a house two blocks away from her childhood home. Because of this she doesn’t realize that this type of relationship is neither normal nor healthy and its not what I want. She doesn’t realize that you can still love someone even if you don’t talk to them every few hours.

Being at school helped a bit, I started becoming a bit more independent and I matured quite a lot. But I had to come home a few days ago for medical reasons. When I told a good friend of mine, he got really upset. He knows everything I’ve been through with her and how hard I’ve had to work at school to gain the small amount of confidence I have. I remember what he said, word for word. “I love you, You’re a great girl, but your mother is the worst thing for you. She has had so much control over your life for so long that you have problems functioning without her. I’m afraid that once you return home you’re just going to submit to whatever she wants again and you’re going to lose the little self esteem you’ve gained while you’ve been here.” I know he was 100% accurate, and my therapist has been trying to help me with this for years.

I spent most of my childhood trying to reassure her that I did love her and she was a great parent, and I really can’t, or want to go back to that. But I have no other options. I can’t afford an apartment and there’s no where else I can go. I know that right now I have to focus on getting myself to a better place and my anxiety level lowered, but I’ve been home for a grand total of 48 hours and I already feel myself starting to return to that “just make mommy happy” mentality.
The other day, before I left, I was talking to my bmother about leaving and how I was kind of feeling like I was disappointing everybody. She said that no one could hold it against me that I wanted to be closer to home and my parents. While the closer to home part was right, I really missed my sister and my cousins, the parents part wasn’t entirely accurate. I did miss my amother when I was away, but I know that returning to her will be more detrimental then helpful to my recovery. But I couldn’t tell her that. She knows my childhood wasn’t perfect, but she doesn’t know about how hard it was to grow up with my amother and how its still really affecting me. I just can’t bring myself to tell her. At the same time, I got that bad feeling in my stomach like I was lying to her. I know I wasn’t, but I still feel like I wasn’t being honest by not correcting her.

I know there’s stuff I have to work at, and I know I can’t change her, but Its incredibly frustrating feeling like I’m the only one working. I know she doesn’t realize that what she’s doing is an issue but every time I try and make her understand, she gets very upset and guilts me about it for days, which causes my anxiety to skyrocket. I don’t know what to do.

[heart_string]

B,

Just so you know, I've been in the same place with my own mom - & I'm not adopted!

When my parents divorced (I was 19), my mother felt that every decision that I made was a reflection on her - it must have been something "that your father told you to do" LOL.

I think this is just something that happens in a child/parent relationship. Do you think this is something that is exacerbated by you having a relationship with your birthmom?

I really feel for you - I know how hard it is to move past a rocky relationship with your mom - but one thing I've learned in my 37 years is this:

I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings. You know you love your mom (amom), it's just her own insecurities that keep her from realizing it.

[TxMom65]

My life from 18-about 23 were the hardest on my relationship with my mom. I am not adopted either, but it was so awful.

Therapy is great. I wish you could get your mom to join you.

[JustPeachy]

Just so you know, I've been in the same place with my own mom - & I'm not adopted!

Me, too! BSchi003, I could swear you were talking about MY MOM when I was reading your description. It took me many years to set boundaries with my mom and I have to reinforce them often. And I'm in my mid 40s!!!!

I see you've worked with a therapist and I would continue to do so. Is there any way you could focus on becoming independent again, and living either on your own or with roommates or other family members? How much longer do you anticipate needing to be living back home??

You are not responsible for your amom's issues, and it doesn't mean you are an ungrateful daughter if you want to maintain healthy boundaries! However, it will be very, very hard for your amom to change her ways, which seem to be ingrained and also a generational pattern. To look on the bright side, you seem to have broken the pattern and can understand that it is not healthy to be this way, so kudos to you for that.

This is not an easy thing to deal with, so don't beat yourself up over not telling your bmom "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." You weren't lying to her, you were just being judicious in how much you wanted to disclose to her at this time. That is not lying, that is common sense and good judgment! You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders, so please don't feel bad about any of this. In time, if you feel comfortable revealing more to your bmom, that is your choice. If you wish to keep some things closer to your heart, that is fine, too. There is no law that says we have to tell everything about our lives to someone else, and you are demonstrating GOOD BOUNDARIES by not doing so, IMO.

[Slatond10]

WOW .. I am an AMom and I almost thought you were talking about me! Except my DD is only 4. Glad I read your post. I am actually Single and moved back near my parents for the support w/ DD.

But your post gave me some things to think about. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Wish I had some answers for you. But kind of agree w/ other posters. I moved out @ 17 for college and was only back briefly to get a job (3 mo) and then just recently moved back 25yrs later to a home near by. This is a time of finding yourself so moving back will be difficult on BOTH OF YOU!

[EZ2Luv]

I have no magical words of wisdom except to tell you that you would be amazed at how many mother/daughter relationships are like yours and it is not only with adoptees/amoms.

My very own Sweet Amom and I were exceptionally close but it was a 50-50 thing. We both wanted it that way as we were best friends.
The difference with my situation was both Amomma and I were able to communicate and talk about everything and if either one of us felt as though the other one was being a bit to overbearing we would always come to some understanding.
I pray that you and your Amomma are able to at some point come to some type of agreement and set some boundries where you do not feel smothered and she does not feel abandoned.
Possibly because your Amom has had this type of relationship with her own mom she feels this is all normal and believe it or not for some people it is.

EZ

[JustCourtney]

Mothers and daughters always have such a hard time, don't they? I used to roll my eyes and swear I would NEVER be like her - and guess what? I am her! I open my mouth, and she comes out! No one can push my buttons like she can, and vice versa! I swear that the best thing she and my dad ever did was move 1000 miles away 10 years ago! We are great on the phone - talk a couple times a day sometimes. But, I am getting ready to leave next week for a visit, and am dreading the drama that i sure will will transpire at some point.

Family - whether it be adopted, biological, or inlaws, are a pain. Unless we marry them, we don't get to pick them - but, we are expected to spend our vacations and holiday with them, and buy them presents! They also have our backs when we need them, and shape who we are.

I suggest that you keep seeing your therapist, and try to accept your mother for who she is - all the good and the bad. She will not change. You however, can change how you react to her obsessing and continue to surround yourself with supportive friends and other family members that "get it" that you can reach out to when you feel yourself sliding into your old pattern with her. The fact that you recognize it means that you can stop it!

Best of luck!

[EES07]

I also can completely relate to your relationship with your amom. Mine is the same way about feeling that everything is reflection on her, that I'm doing things on purpose to hurt her, etc etc.

I'm in the midst of trying to establish boundaries and reestablish a healthy relationship with her, so I dont have much advice to offer, other than to keep at it. Keep working with your therpist, keep trying to talk to your mom. Hopefully it will all be worth it in the end!

[bromanchik]

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me as if your Mom has a personality disorder. Her behavior is not just being over protective. It is a dysfunctional way of thinking. Often the needs and feelings of others are not taken into consideration. You might want to read up about them.

[bluffman]

It seems like you are handling things really well, if everybody was 100% honest all the time we would be responsible for sending our loved ones to therapy.

My aMother is the same. Didnt they phsyc test people in the old days or was it enough just to be willing to take a baby off their hands.
The poster and replies seem to be from women where the relationship is more dominating and cruel. ..... but well intentioned ?

[hpfreak080]

Originally Posted by bluffman

My aMother is the same. Didnt they phsyc test people in the old days or was it enough just to be willing to take a baby off their hands.
The poster and replies seem to be from women where the relationship is more dominating and cruel. ..... but well intentioned ?

I'm kind of trying to figure out what you are saying with this...

I know how I'm reading it, and I don't like what I'm coming up with...I just hope that I'm reading it totally wrong and you aren't saying hurtful things about adoptive moms...

[hpfreak080]

Originally Posted by hpfreak080

I'm kind of trying to figure out what you are saying with this...

I know how I'm reading it, and I don't like what I'm coming up with...I just hope that I'm reading it totally wrong and you aren't saying hurtful things about all adoptive moms...

see bolded and underlined word above that I forgot to add earlier

[Dickons]

BSchi003,

Have you ever thought that you are just not the personality type that deals well with clingy, continual contact? We do not share the same genes and personality is part of our genetic makeup.

My personality type is that of a loner and that is how I live my life. Since you are at your moms could you create a plan with a date to move and have a mantra of just living in peace until then? In the mean time what always works for me is to be upfront with people and tell them I do not keep in daily contact and that I will call them/see them in X days, months, whatever, gradually extend the time frames until it works with YOUR personality style.

Nothing wrong with being independent and living your life on your terms for what is right for you personality.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[jcm]

Not adopted either, but you have pretty much described my relationship with my mother, to varying degrees. If she can't be in control of my decisions, then she isn't interested. She plays the martyr really well too, which I didn't figure out until I was in my early twenties (38 now).

Therapy has helped me a lot, but my mother still refuses to see her sick behavior. The funniest thing to me is that she forced me into therapy in my teens, singing it's praises, but doesn't think she needs it.

9 times out of 10, when I get off the phone with her I want to bang my head against a wall...then I remember, it's HER problem, not mine. I choose to live my life the way I want, which ultimately makes me happy.

[MamaS]

This is not an "adopted thing" this is the lifestyle of many families -- particularly in the south. My grandparents had five children. All five grew up and lived within 10 miles of the homestead. The five children had 9 grandchildren. 8 of the 9 grew up to live in the same county. Then came the 18 great-grandchildren and 16 of them settled in the same county.
No, we are not in-bred bumpkins. We left to go to college, to the military, traveled to Europe, fought wars in Vietnam and Afghanistan, married spouses from other areas and brought them "home". We take care of our elderly and our handicapped in our homes, not in nursing homes or hospices. We help each other -- "Car broke down?" Call Cousin Steve with a tow truck. "Basement filled with water?" Call Uncle Mike, the plumber. "Can't figure out your taxes?" See Uncle Hugh, the accountant. "Need a wedding cake?" Cousin Marie owns a bakery.
My mother spoke to her mother every day for as long as she lived. I called my mother just about every day for as long as she lived. My adult daughters call me daily -- maybe for just 2 minutes to say "good night" but that is enough.
I count myself lucky that my family is close. We aren't crazy, we are caring. I'm sorry for people who don't experience what we have.