[BMfound]

I am a 31 year old adult adoptee who found my birth parents 4 years ago. I have nothing to do with my birth father, but by birth mother seems to think she can make up for lost time by smothering me.

How can I get her to back off?

She has answered my cellphone before and made disrespectful comments to my adoptive family members without even telling me that I had received a phone call. (This was while I was visiting her home 1000 miles away from mine 3 years ago!) That is only the beginning of a long laundry list of things she has done to burn bridges.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm not a confrontational person, but I'm about to have a nervous breakdown over this. I am avoiding her phone calls like the plague, but know that I need to call her back soon to tell her that I can't have company this year.

Thanks,
BMfound

[RavenSong]

As a birthmom, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your birthmother is not at an emotionally healthy place in her own head, IMHO.

You have every right in the world to set boundaries with her. You have every right in the world to have peace of mind and your own personal space.

Can you write her a letter by hand (not email), explaining how you're feeling right now? Just tell her you need for her to quit smothering you so much. She also needs to be more respectful of your parents and family. It always amazes me when a birthmom doesn't realize that by disrespecting her child's parents, she's disrespecting her child.

I'm glad you asked for advice. Sometimes reunion can be a bit overwhelming, and it's helpful to get other people's perspectives. Good luck, and keep posting.

[JustPeachy]

Has she always been this way from the start of your reunion, or has the behaviour escalated? Have you tried discussing boundaries with her before? If you wish to be in continued contact, you will need to set those boundaries with her, the sooner the better. I'm sorry she is doing this to you and also disrespecting your family. That is just a huge no-no in my book. If I ever have the chance to reunite with my son, the last thing in the world I'd want to do is disrespect his parents. I also would not want to be clingy, but it sounds like your bmom is going beyond clinginess into serious boundary violations. Answering your cellphone?? That is pretty audacious! It would send me up the wall if anyone answered my phone. My mom is really bad with boundaries and even she wouldn't do that! I think writing a letter would be best. This way, she can sit and read it without interrupting you. Decide what you want the boundaries to be and then be clear in expressing to her what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable. Good luck with this and I hope you can reach a comfortable place with your bmom and that she will respect your wishes.

[BMfound]

Her behavior has escalated since I had twins 2 years ago.

I will definitely have to write her a letter straightening things out. It might take a while for me to write it, though. I can tend to be a little too harsh if my nerves get the best of me.

In the meantime, I will soon call her to let her know that her trip to the south will have to wait until later. My daughter will be having tubes put in her ears over the holidays and my husband is working double as a nurse so we can move soon. I don't need her to cause anymore stress.

Thanks for the advice.

[EZ2Luv]

I just wanted to chime in as a fellow adoptee with a bit of advice. First, I am sorry you bmom is smothering and attempting control and make up for lost time.

I think all to many times Bmoms still envision their bchildren as babies/children and forget that they are all grown up with lives of their own. Even still that doesn't make that behavior acceptable.
All that I have read about reunion and it makes sense is to set boundries early on and stick to them. Don't forget until you all met you were related but strangers to each other so boundries are very important al least until you get to know the person.

Also, remember that you are not reponsible for anyone elses happiness o emotional health. Whatever expectations your bmom came into the reuinion with are strictly hers to sort out. Yes it is wonderfulto be considerate and understanding but as an adult we must behave like adults and accept that years have gone by and reunion is only the begining. You must take time to get to know each other without placing unrealistic demands on each other. There is simply no way of making up for lost time.

Just be strong, firm and respectful. Relationships are two way streets and must be formed on mutual respect. Your bmom needs to be reminded of this.

EZ

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

I think all to many times Bmoms still envision their bchildren as babies/children and forget that they are all grown up with lives of their own. Even still that doesn't make that behavior acceptable.

EZ2Luv, you are so right about this. Have you ever read any of Betty Jean Lifton's books? She's an adoptee and therapist who wrote some of the very first books on adoption and reunion. Anyway, she talks a lot about what she calls the "ghost kingdom". And she talks about how a lot of bmoms go thru life thinking of their relinquished children as eternal babies.

I am so grateful to my son's parents because they helped me with this issue. We all knew we were going to reunite when DS turned 18 years old, so his parents started sending me packets of photographs when he turned 14. They would send one packet at a time, focusing on certain ages. That way I got to see him grow up thru the photos. They sent the packets spaced quite a while between each other, so I would get used to the different ages and developmental stages DS went thru. The first packet was infancy thru age 4; the second was age 5 thru 7; etc. So I got used to seeing my son as being someone other than a little infant in my mind's eye. It really helped.

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

Also, remember that you are not reponsible for anyone elses happiness or emotional health. Whatever expectations your bmom came into the reuinion with are strictly hers to sort out.

Total agree with EZ on this one. We can only own up to our own feelings and emotions. We are not responsible for anybody else's.