[Denise1969]

Hi, I'm new here and I am looking for advice/perspective on a strained relationship that I have with my adoptive mother. There were many issues over the years that led up to the latest and final straw.

My adoptive mother and her biological daughter were having a conversation one day over my sisters life choices. The conversation became heated and escalated to the point that they were discussing children. My sister, her daughter, told my adoptive mother that she didn't want to have children until her thirties (my amother is dying to be a grandmother) and that she may just adopt instead (mind you my sister is only 23). My adoptive mother responded by telling her she shouldn't adopt based on the principal that intelligent people should reproduce based on genetics blah blah blah (my adoptive family are all college educated, I am not).

I was deeply offended and within days of my sister relaying the conversation I emailed my adoptive mother and told her how this made me feel. She completely denied it. However, several months had passed and I was having a conversation with my brother (her biological son) and he told me that she indeed had made the comment. So, she will admit this to her son, yet she refuses to acknowledge it to me, the person who's feelings were hurt.

I've been accused of not expressing my feelings, by her in particular, (I will admit that I dislike confrontation) but when I do she puts her own spin on the situation to try to make me feel bad (it doesn't have the same effect as it once did). She also becomes extremely defensive.

Two years ago she gave me two adoption books for a Xmas present. Does anyone else find this odd? It made me feel uncomfortable and once again I sat within my own inner silence. My husband and I have been self employed for 16 years and recently sold our commercial building and decided to move out of state. During the process she openly criticized our decision (even when I told her that I didn't want to hear it). Her criticism has only alienated me from sharing anything significant in regards to my life.

She tends to bring up things from the past and some of those subjects I am sensitive to. I was placed in foster care when I was 6 years old which resulted in a great deal of emotional turmoil for me. I willing admit that I wasn't the easiest child to raise (bedwetting, sleep walking, difficulty eating meals, lying, poor grades, ditching school on a few occassions, shoplifting, running away, etc.). As an adult I realize that I was in desperate need of counseling. Having an unbiased person that I could share my inner most thoughts with may have made my childhood easier. I do not blame my adoptive parents for missing the signs, I just wish that they would realize that it wasn't easy for me either!!

She doesn't want to be judged, yet she judges me. She wants compassion, yet she shows me none. I'm tired of her insensitivity, lack of compassion, and lack of acknowledgement of my feelings. I have not walked in her shoes, nor has she walked in mine. She and I are two totally different people with different beliefs, different views, different personalities, different life choices. This is not about right and wrong (although my entire family is hung up on being right) this about respecting each others individuality, mine especially.

I really don't know where to go from here. On occassion she and I email one another (we are cordial) but I feel like the real issue is being avoided. I'm reluctant to put too much effort forth due to her being so emotionally selfish. I would post her emails here, but I don't know if I should. My husband of nearly 20 years has been extremely supportive of me but he too holds a great deal of annimosity towards her (not only for the way she has treated me but she's been insensitive to him as well).

If anyone can give me their opinion or advice it would be greatly appreciated. I consider myself to be a very open minded individual. ~ Denise

[kakuehl]

(((Denise)))
Have you gotten any counseling? I know, she's the one that needs it, but you might get some insights on how to deal with her! It sounds to me like she needs to grieve her ideal adopted daughter before she can accept you as you are! (Does that make sense? All of us have expectations and dreams of our perfect parent or child and sometimes we need to mourn what isn't before we can embrace what is.)

My mother, who was an insecure person, had a great deal of difficulty separating herself from her children. Anything/everything we did was a reflection on herself. So when I got pregnant, it was "if I'd only been a better mother this wouldn't have happened." She also criticized almost every thing I did, including entering the ordained ministry. She told me what I was doing wrong as a parent and then sent me Mother's Day cards telling me what a great mother I was! It was very easy to focus on the negatives about my mother, but with it all, she loved me unconditionally. She's been dead for 12 years and I still miss her.

Back to your mom, I'm afraid I would have asked, "Mom, why did you give my two books on adoption?" Try to use "I" messages. "Mom, I feel both hurt and frustrated when you make negative comments about me to others." BTW, it could be that she doesn't want to "hurt" you or to look bad herself by admitting what she said about you.

BtW, it's obvious from your life that not going to college doesn't mean you are unintelligent. It certainly takes mental ability to start and run a successful business! My mom, used to think she was unintelligent because she was the only one of us (dad and sibilings) who hadn't gone to college. Excuse me, you don't raise 4 intelligent children without any intelligence of your own. Not to mention the fact that I've met college graduates who are distinctly not very bright.

I haven't offered much concrete advice. I wish you well in your relationship.

[JustPeachy]

There is no guarantee that by being intelligent, you will have intelligent biological children. And it is clear from your post that you are very bright and articulate, and show a high level of intelligence, despite not having a college degree. Also, I know many people with college degrees who are dumber than mud. So, I totally understand why your amom's comment hurt you. It was very insensitive of her to say this and then not even apologize when you calmly told her how you felt. I'm sorry your feelings are being disregarded by her. Do your siblings understand your feelings about this? Could they possibly try to get through to your mom?

I am not an adoptee, but a birthmom who has a strained relationship with my mom. I don't have any real concrete advice, either, but what has sort of helped me, is getting counseling and coming to the understanding that there will always be a distance between us and it will never be the close mother/daughter relationship I would have liked. My mom is a lot like your amom and sometimes it's not possible to have much more than a surface relationship, unless your mom would be willing to work things out in counseling with you. I still love my mom, but know there are limitations in the relationship. It is what it is.

I know there are more complexities in your situation stemming from being adopted, so my issues with my mom are not quite the same, but having a supportive spouse is so helpful. Also, even though you had hard times as a child, you have really overcome so much. Your mom should be quite proud of you.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Also, I know many people with college degrees who are dumber than mud.

Oh, ain't that the truth! (And, yes, I know "ain't" ain't a word.)

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Oh, ain't that the truth! (And, yes, I know "ain't" ain't a word.)

Brenda,

I almost posted the exact same thing!! College education is NOT a guarentee of intelligence!!! They just learn how to hide their lack of it better.

To the OP, please don't let your lack of education make you feel you are less then....you have just made different choices. I really think you need to tell your mother that what she said was hurtful and demeaning to you. I would actually say it was a pretty STUPID thing to say and is that what she wants to pass on?..ok..I am being a brat...but still.

[melissa_bear003]

My dh has a very strained relationship with his amom. As with another poster, everything is somehow about her. Dh has commented before that he was an 'accessory that let her finally join the Mom Club'.

That being said, its not because she's an amom, its because its who she is. She's narcissitic, hysterical, attention seeking personality with EVERYONE her entire life.

I was raised by my mom and stepdad, and my relationship with my mother is incredibly toxic. (Dh and I are unfortunately well suited in the mom department). Sometimes family relationships are challenging, regardless of the family make up. And it sucks, no doubt about it.

The only thing I can do is let go, and its been a hard process...but letting go of my mother's negatitivity and using her as a cautionary tale in raising my own kids, and working, hoping and praying like heck that my dds and I have a better relationship is the best I can do.

[Denise1969]

You guys are really wonderful people and I would like to thank each one of you who have taken the time to respond!! Many of the responses have only confirmed what I have thought all along.

As I reflect over the years of our relationship, I see a manipulative and selfish person. From arranging family functions to meet her schedule and her schedule only. To the time my husband and I were visiting and she received a message on her answering machine from my mother-in-law that my husbands grandmother was hospitalized and she failed to tell us until the end of the visit because "she didn't want it to take away from her day." From the time that she was hospitalized for two weeks with pancreatitis. I went to the hospital every day bringing her new robes, slippers, magazines, anything that I could possibly think of to make her a little more comfortable but the one day that I couldn't visit (I was PMSing big time) she was cold and abrasive with me. To the one birthday (until recently, my choice) that I missed of hers because I was severley sick with a terrible cold. Again, her demeanor was cold and abrasive to the point where she made me feel so bad I was willing to drag myself off the couch and drive two hours for her "special day". To the time my husband was suffering from a serious medical problem and we were unable to attend her 4th of July houseboat party. Again, she showed my husband zero compassion and responded with a cold "That's okay, I'm getting used to it". And the examples go on....

To the manipulative side... the lies she tells us seperately and then when confronted has a melt down (angry, defensive, crying, poor me mentality). To giving her opinion (even when no one asks) and trying to shove it down your throat.

I don't consider myself to be less of a person because I'm not college educated. Her biological son is college educated but has poor life skills. He was kicked out of the Navy (had one of the highest GPA'S in the nuclear power program yet believed the rules didn't apply to him). He's received countless warrants for failure to pay speeding tickets/seat belt violations. He's been arrested for drunk in public and marijuana possesion and most recently for DUI.

I guess Dr. Phil is right... We teach people how to treat us. When my adoptive mother offends or gets under my siblings skin (her bio children) they immediately get in her face. So does my adoptive father. They don't care who is present; they rip into her. I witnessed my sister and mother get into a heated debate about border crossing issues, to the point my amother started crying. What's wrong with the agree to disagree philosophy!?!

I have spent the last year (since the adoptee comment) focusing on myself and my life which is definitely foreign to me. I haven't attended any family functions by choice. I feel much healthier as a person and a sense of freedom to just be me. I still have a good relationship with my siblings but have no contact with my adoptive father (they tend to stand united). My adoptive mother emails and I respond on occassion.

You know, I'm a great believer in second chances. It makes me sad when my brother says, "I just want my family back". We did have a lot of fun times as a family. With proper boundaries, honesty, and mutual respect that may or may not be possible. The most important thing for me is that it be a healthy relationship. I think you guys are right, counseling is probably the best option. I need some closure, one way or the other.

Thanks again ~ Denise

[cksmom]

Hi Denise,

I am not on speaking terms with my amom. She was never able to have any bio-children and I really think that is the root of her issues. She has been grieving that for at least 45 years. She was a good mom and grandma for the first 30 years of my life. And then she married a horrible man. A man whose main goal was to allienate amom from us and the rest of her family. he has succeeded. But what I believe is that blood is thicker than adoption for her. She was easily able to just cut us off. As hard as I kept trying, she went along with the husband. She is not well mentally at this point according to my aunt. She keeps talking about the 3 little girls that she gave birth to that died. She has never given birth.

As much guilt as I have with this, I have my own family, work and a special needs son and now my reunion. That is alot for me right now.

I'm sorry you are dealing with it too.

[Denise1969]

Thank you for responding, cksmom. I think what makes this situation more difficult for me is that my biological mother passed away when I was 13 and I do not have any contact with my biological father. My adoptive parents are the only parents I have. However, I can't continue to be a people pleaser for the sake of having a relationship. It's just not healthy for me. I agree with another poster, some times you just have to let people go, as sad as that may be.

Sounds like you have alot on your plate at the moment. I'm sure it can be overwhelming at times. I wish you nothing but happiness and success in your endeavors.

~Denise

[Rainbow mom]

I work as a receptionist and I can tell you that I wouldn't accept that behavior from a stranger so why would family be any different?

My comment to hostile/rude people (calmly and assertively).... "This is no longer a productive conversation I'll have to let you go now." *click*

I'll bet if you did that to her a few times she'd stop acting like a spoiled adult. As an adoptive mom I hope if I happen to say hurtful things to my child I am stopped and told they were hurt by me. I am very cautious, they are my babies! I think I will tell them that when I get home.

[EZ2Luv]

I am so sorry that yoor relationship with your amom is strained. I did not have a strained relationship with my amom at all. Actually we were the best of frineds. However my cousin who is not adopted could have written a post like yours minus the adoption books.
My cousin's mom , my aunt has passed way but my cousins will still call me and go on for hours about things her mom did like plotting her children against each other to gain attention (she only had 2 kids). My cousin and her brother were really close at one time but because of what my aunt did in an attempt to be the center of the universe caused my such a breakdown in the sibling's relationship that they no longer even speak to each other.

I also have a friend that is not adopted that has a distant relationship with her mother because of control issues. I think some mother's are just impossible and cannot have a good relationship with their adult children.

I wish I had better advise or a solution for you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I am not completely 100% convinced this happens only with amoms as a majority of women I know with strained relationships are not adopted.

EZ

[Denise1969]

I hear you, rainbow mom. I have to take some responsibility in all of this, too. I allow her to make me feel the way I do. It's my passive behavior (eek) that's allowed this to continue for so long. I'm 39 years old and it's time for me to grow a backbone with her.

I agree, ez2luv, that many people have difficult relationships that aren't adopted. I just happen to be adopted so I posted my issue here.

What do you guys think about me writing her a letter outlining what I find acceptable/not acceptable in our relationship? She has told me that she is willing to come to me when I am ready. I'm just not ready to see her yet.

Thanks again for the responses. ~ Denise

[kakuehl]

May I suggest the books of Harriet Lerner, especially The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. It's available at Amazon. Several of her books may be helpful in learning how to deal with toxic relationships.

[EZ2Luv]

I think a letter would be a wonderful idea. That is what I would do and have done in the past with people I have had strained relationships with.

Sometimes just writing it out can be quite liberating. I once wrote a letter to an aunt who treatedly badly my entire life. I hung onto the letter because I didn't have her current address and when I was about to send the letter, I reread it and for some reason felt a freedom like I never had regarding this aunt. Needless to say, I never sent the letter. I guess it felt good just getting it out on paper.

I would suggest that you make a copy of the letter for yourself, this way you can look back and know that you have tried to make the relationship better.
Once that letter goes out the ball is in amoms court, if she answers and you are able to work things out, wonderful, if she doesn't well there is not much you cand do but at least she knows how she is hurting you. It is even possible that amom is not even consciencly aware of what she is doing and the letter will be a wake up call.

A letter is good too cause the person cannot try and argue or deny like they would if you were talking to them. KWIM?

I am so sorry you are going through this, I really am and I pray that you and amom can resolve any issues causing this strain. I can tell it is hurting you or else you wouldn't be posting about it.

Again, I hope and pray that you are able to work things out.

EZ

[TxMom65]

I think a letter is a great idea, and as pointed out above, even if you never send it will make you feel better.

Our adoption counselor told us to put a feeling to the behvaior. "I feel _________ when you do ________" That way you aren't saying "You do this and I hate it" or "You do this and you must stop". I tend to do the latter with my parents. (I am not adopted but have issues as well)

Best wishes.