[rnphelps]

Hi, this is my first post on these forums, so here it goes.

I'm not sure if I even qualify as an "adult adoptee," I don't turn 21 until next month. Be that as it may, I've been thinking about trying to find my birth mom for a long time. Now that my majority is in sight, I can't help but feel even more torn about the idea.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, and I've always been told I was adopted. It was always my favorite bedtime story, and it wasn't until puberty that I started thinking through the implications. My amom was also adopted, and she told me that she never searched for her bfamily because she didn't want to hurt her aparents. I took that to mean that I should be satisfied with the same method, so I just asked for any paperwork they had and left it at that.

I found out that my bmom used drugs and alcohol pretty heavily while she was pregnant with me - to the point that it's something of a miracle that I'm not braindamaged in some degree (heaviest drug usage was during the third trimester of the pregnancy). I also found out that we share a love of reading and logic games, and that I get the red in my hair from her Irish father and the olive in my skin from her Japanese mother.

I feel so torn. I want to find her. I want to find my grandparents. On the other hand, my family has had an incredibly rough year. My dad's parents were both diagnosed with Alzheimer's and moved in with us. (I live two states away at college most of the year) My older sister (bio to the family) did everything short of eloping - started dating, got engaged and planned the wedding before she told my parents. My mom is depressive and my sister is manic depressive, so the whole situation has been a nightmare. My sis refused to speak to my parents for about 2 months after the ceremony, then came back to us when she and her husband started needing money. (sorry, I ramble really bad)

My parents have told me so many times that I'm the dependable one and how much they know they can trust me. Unfortunately, with my mom's emotional state, I don't necessarily feel that I can be open with them, as much as I love them.

So... what should I do? I want to start making steps to opening records and finding my bmom as soon as I can... but I know that it will hurt my already-hurting family even more. I'm almost scared to bring it up for fear it will make things worse for my mom.

[lalgee]

take one small step at a time. if it means you're ready to write a letter to your state to get your records, then do that. and then, when you get them, just read and digest with no pressure to take the next step. once you have digested what you read, (this might take years or moments) and you feel that you are ready to go another step, then take that one. With each passing step, you grow more comfortable yourself with the idea of searching, until you are talking about it and sharing it with others, and then the fear of talking to your aparents about it may be very small or gone.
When I first started searching for my son, i was very quiet about it, but as time passed, i eventually talked others and then to my mom about it. I grew to the idea that it really wasn't up to her, it was up to me, and i finally got "ok" with the fact that i could do what I wanted and needed while still respecting that she may have an opinion or even deep feelings about the subject. All of this can be achieved with gentleness and respect, but while also being assertive about your own needs.
Just one small step at a time, when you are ready for each one, will over time remove your fears about breaking it to mom and dad.
I wish you luck, and I encourage you to go on your instinct and longings here. Those deep seated feelings and desires should not be ignored.
best wishes!

[SWGAgirl]

Wow- this is a very difficult situation isn't it? You are so young- but you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders. You also have concern and love and compassion for your parents and family which is wonderful.

I had those same worries of hurting my a-parents and felt for a long time that I was "betraying" them by searching. It actually kept me from searching for a long time.

I'm old enough to be your mother- and back in the 60's everything was alot more hush-hush and secret. They never gave me any information when I'd ask- so I pretty much knew they wouldn't do well with news that and was searching and then that I found my b-mom.

I talked to lots of people: friends, ministers of all sorts,teachers.........re my feelings of guilt and betrayal by searching/finding and not telling my a-parents.

People told me that it was clear that the reason I had chosen not to tell was out of love for my parents and so it was okay. So I did overcome my guilt- but it took a while.

I should add that a BIG reason I did not tell my parents was because by the time I did all this- they were quite elderly and getting frail and becoming confused and easily worried etc. So I never have told them..........and I'm happy with my decision and feel I made the right choice. There was NOTHING good that could have come of it- and no reason to tell them.

So go ahead and search, don't feel guilty about it, and don't feel guilty if you decide not to share it with your parents. This really has nothing to do with them- but everything to do with YOU! You have a right to know where you came from.

You know your parents best and your family circumstances. Best of luck in college and with whatever you decide to do re your search.


Take care, Liz

[JustPeachy]

My parents have told me so many times that I'm the dependable one and how much they know they can trust me.

This part of your post just stuck out for me. It is an awful lot of pressure to put on you, it seems, and there is an implication in such a statement that you are not allowed to do anything not perceived as dependable or trustworthy according to your parents' definitions. Given all the other turmoil in their lives, they would likely view your searching unfavorably, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I just don't know if I would bring them into it, at least not in the beginning.

You are an adult, you have a strong need to search, and I say, take it step by step, as others have advised. Maybe seek out an independent counselor for help with this, especially in terms of bringing your afamily into it, if that's what you ultimately want to do. But there is no law or rule that says your parents have to be involved. Sure, it would be nice if everyone is on the same page, and it would be nice to have their support. But if you feel that support would not be forthcoming, and it would only cause tension and chaos, maybe keep it private for now.

[Tazer]

Hi and welcome to the forum! You have my sympathy for all issues and family problems you are dealing with. I am a reunited B-mom and my daughter is almost 23. She was never told she was adopted so I congratulate your Mom for being so open and honest with you and for having the insight and wisdom to make "your history" your favorite bedtime story; I love it... Go Mom! You posted:

My amom was also adopted, and she told me that she never searched for her bfamily because she didn't want to hurt her aparents. I took that to mean that I should be satisfied with the same method, so I just asked for any paperwork they had and left it at that.


I think you could also take it to mean that since she was once in your shoes maybe she will understand if you should ever want to search. She certainly seems to be the type of Mom who would listen if you went to her and explained what you are feeling and what you want to do THEN observe her response. Maybe you could start by asking what it was like for her and if she ever wanted to search.

I agree with the other posters here that it is a hard predicament and I'm glad you have others here who have BTDT to support you. Best Wishes on your journey and Good Luck in your search; keep us posted please. Tracy

[txrnr]

Maybe your mother did mean exactly what she said, and that related to her feelings. I can't help but think that most aparents would find it a little unsettling when we adoptees search. I also think that many of those parents swallow that feeling, and do what is right for their child. Like you, I have always known I was adopted, and we used to love to hear the story. My parents have encouraged me to search, and even offered to do it for me. Still, a part of me thinks that even now they may have a small part of "why" if I did, and they are just as entitled to those feelings as I am to mine. I'm also confident my parents would never tell me that, and they'd do whatever they could to make my life easier.

That being said, I owe them the same. If your family is having enough stress right now, they deserve a little slack as they deal with sick parents. Those aren't easy.

I'm not saying don't begin your search. I am not even necessarily saying that you keep it a secret, but there is nothing wrong with gathering information. You are an adult, and you aren't doing anything but researching your history. Decide then how you feel, how your parents are adjusting.

I began my search a little over a year ago. I had been considering it for close to a year before that. I still have NOT told my parents I found anything. (I have not made contact) At this point, I don't know what I want to do, and I'm not wanting to share the information and have any pressure put on me to make a decison. (although it wouldn't be much pressure)

Good luck. It's hard no make other people's issues your problems, especially when you love them. From what you've said, I bet they would never want you to feel confused.

[bakerjw]

Don't feel guilty. I understand your concern for not hurting your aparents which is admirable and something that a lot of us dealt and still deal with. Searching for your bmother is all about you and her for the time being. Unfortunately aparents sometimes lay heavy guilt trips on adopted children which hurts more than they can imagine.

Do the searching and as others have advised talk to people that you know. friends, pastors, etc...

Take it slow as there is no rush. You may bring your aparents into your confidence eventually but there is no sense in causing them any undue pain for now.

Just my humble opinion.
Good luck!

[wrgamom]

I agree with JustPeachy that they have put a lot of pressure on you. I would think, deep down, your mother knows what you are feeling. But, she is an adoptive mother, too, and has those feelings of insecurity as well.

I started a search for my birthmother when I was 23, but got shot down (long story) and I had no money to continue it as I was in grad school at the time. It took me almost 15 years to do it again as that was so painful at that time. When I was 23, I didn't tell my adoptive parents about it, but I did this time. I am not saying not to tell them, but you need to be true to yourself and will know what is right for your family.

My parents have tried, since my reunion, to put a lot of undue guilt and responsibility on my shoulders. I am sort of proud of myself because I have told them that I cannot be responsible for their feelings. And I certainly cannot be responsible for their physical issues they are trying to blame me for now. I have had a lot of guilt after my reunion with my birthparents. Guilt about hurting my parents, guilt about causing my new birthsiblings pain, guilt about my birthfather's wife who did not know and is an adoptive mother herself, just name it. But, you have to realize eventually, and I am still working on this, that I have no reason to feel guilty. I try to cause the least amount of pain to everybody, but ultimately, it is not my responsibilty.

What I am trying to really stress is that you cannot be responsible for other people. Sure, you do not want to cause undue hurt, but the way they react is not your responsibility. It is their own. That doesn't mean push it in their faces or hurt them intentionally (and it certainly sounds like you are not going to do that), but you need to do what is right for you. This is a big decision and could take a long time depending on your situation.

I am sure you will do what is right at this time for you. Every adoptee is different in what they need and when they need it.

[r0ller]

It may come down to weighing two unpleasant choices. Do you hurt your a-parents or hurt yourself by not searching?

Please realize that you're not doing anything wrong by wanting to find your b-parents, but also realize that your a-parents are not doing anything wrong by hoping/wishing that you don't.

I resepectfully disagree with wrgamom that you can't be responsible for other's feelings (although we may be talking semantics about "responsible"). When your actions are the cause of those feelings, you are responsible. That doesn't mean that you aren't justified in your actions. It means that you need to be aware that your actions are going to result in those feelings. By being aware of that, it may be easier for you to deal with your b-parent's feelings.

Let's say you got a scholarship to a college that was far away, but you knew that it was best for you to attend, even if it meant not seeing your family for extended periods of time. Your parents really didn't want you to attend because they want to be able to see you more often. You shouldn't not attend out of fear of hurting your parents, but you shouldn't say that your decision isn't the cause of their pain, either.

Adoptees are in a difficult position, and I would never tell an adoptee not to search out their b-family. I just want to try to warn them about what might happen, and for them to be aware that there may not be a decision they can make that someone doesn't get hurt.

That doesn't mean that your feelings are subordinate or not as important as your a-parents. They aren't.

wrgamom: I agree with you that you shouldn't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people get hurt even if no one does anything wrong.

[wrgamom]

Good point, roller. I probably would be better explained by saying your are not responsible for how others react to things. You are right, I knew I was going to hurt people on some level, but had come to the conclusion that I had been hurting myself for years thinking of others. (Not saying that is your situation, rnphelps.) It is sort of a hard position to be in: do you do something you know is selfish (that word does not always have a negative meaning, by the way) or do you protect those you love or do not even know yet? I thought about that for years! I think it is a hard question to answer.

However, using the same example roller used, if you know that going to a far away college is the best choice for you, your family, while not wanting you to go for their own selfish (again, not always a bad word) reasons, also probably recognize it is the best for you, too. They just have ulterior motives for not wanting you to go and may try to make you feel responsible for their missing you. Ultimately, it has to be your decision.

I think we all make decisions throughout our lives that cause people hurt - not just adoption/reunion related decisions. Those type of decisions are always the hardest to make, aren't they?

[nana4]

hi and welcome nice to have aboard.i to thought that me wanting to know would hurt my adoptive family.and when i did ask my questions mom was hurt.as i got older i realized that my adopted mom was a little insecure with in herself.i told her that even if i met my birthmother/family she was the only mother i had ever known and i would always love with all my heart.it was hard for her to understand my need to know where i came from.but i need questions answered.i need medical information.i dont want to know why she gave me up.i had a wonderful life so that to me is not a need.we all have our reasons for searching.walk lightly and always be respectful of your adopted family and they will come around.they need time to adjust to alot of things.goodluck hon with your search.

[sheababy]

I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. My amom has always encouraged me to find my birthparents since my aparents are older, they thought I may want some parental figure when they are gone.

What was a deciding factor for me to search was knowing in my heart that no one will replace my aparents. I may end up loving my bparents but I have enough love in my heart to love them both.

I would start your search and hold off telling your aparents if it is a bad time. It may take a long time to search and unfortunately you may not be successful. Do what's right for you and I think your aparents will come around.

[EZ2Luv]

May Iask why you must even tell or include your aparents in your decision to searc? You are an adult so I would think this search could be done with your aprents knowing. I am not suggesting you lie to them but sometimes you must keep certain decisions from others.
In my own case I had absolutely zero desire to search. I always knew I was adopted as my parents were upfront about it an like you would tell my story of how I was place in their arms. It was and still is my favorite story (see my avatar)
Fast forward 40 something years, my sweet amomma was placed in anursing home after suffering alzhimers for 6 years at home,my family was spent emotionally caring for her , my adad was a wreck and heartbroken that Momma was no longer at home and with him. I had been nvolved in a near fatal car accident and it was discovered that I was facing the possibilty of a fatal genetic illness and I was dire need for medical information. I was faced with either asking adad to help me or going it alone. I knew if I went to adad it would have onbly added to his heartbreak and stress and because of him being old school in a sense that he only knew closed adoption, I feared his reaction thinking he would feel I was searching because my aparents somehow failed me. I just could not do this too this wonderful man I call "Daddy".
I did search on my own and to this day Daddy knows nothing of it. I was met with anger and resistance by my bsibs and bmom had already been dead by the time I found her.
My point is, if you really feel that nothing good can come of letting your family know of your search, no need to even let them know.
I do not regret for one iota of a second my decision to keep things to myself.
of course I was met with some opposition from some anti adoption online people who felt that I should demand any information regading my adoption from my already heartbroken father, but I stuck to my guns and didn't tell him.
Sometimes we must look at the big picture. If you feel that this would be too much for your family to handle at this time, by all means spare them this hurt.
Even though you have no way of knowing how they would react, why take a chance at adding more stress and hurt to their lives.
Also,(I hope this is not the case for you) but not all reunions are wonderful. What happens if your search yeilds unfavorable results? Then you brought hurt onto your innocent loved ones for nothing.
I would be more than happy to discuss this with you more and I invite you to PM me should you feel you would like to.

EZ

[r0ller]

EZ2Luv,

You bring up a good point in that not everyone has an overwhelming desire to find the bfamily. Sometimes it's a mild curiosity, or maybe no desire at all.

I can see where if there is only a mild curiosity and you know your aparents will be deeply hurt, maybe it would be best to not do it, or postpone it for a while.

[lucasascha]

Hi-

I am in the same boat as you are, but I am just older. My adoptive parents were always "open" about my adoption too, but never stated that they supported me searching, even in the much more progressive times we live in now.

Also, comments have been made over the years that sort of indicated that they would feel threatened, hurt, rejected, whatever.

This kept me from searching for a really long time. I felt an obligation toward them for giving me a good life, loving me, providing me with a good education, etc.

At my age, now 37, I realize that it's my life, and it has nothing to do with them. I toyed with the idea of telling them, but now realize that they would not benefit from it in any way. So I'm moving forward with it. I think it's probably their loss that they won't share in this experience with me, but I really don't think they could handle it. I've kind of "tested" my mom with conversations about other people involved in open adoption, people I know who have searched, and she clams up and sort of acts like I'm not talking about a situation that affects me.

Anyway, my suggestion, for what it's worth and for having struggled with the same issue myself, is to move forward whether you get your a-parents approval or not. It sounds like your parents have a lot going on with everything else and that your mom may be prone to becoming depressed over such information if she already suffers from depression.

Just my opinion - I'm sort of relieved that I've made the decision finally to move forward, and realize that there is no shame or guilt I should feel.

Ann