[dlb003]

I have been on my search for 10 years or so. At one point, I thought I had found her with the information I had received from a PI. So I sent a letter, no reply, so then I sent another letter with a picture - no reply.
I gave up I suppose. That was in 95/99.

So... for some unknown reason, I felt the need recently to search again.

In 95 the internet was obviously not what it is now. ALMA was my support group then and the people I met ...were to me a god send and the most wonderful group of people I had ever met. Now the internet is full of search sites and forums - of which can be quite overwhelming trying to make sure you are on every single registry !

I have a 5 inch notebook that I have kept every single shread of information I have acumulated during my search - this recent urge led me back to it, to pour over information. Some of which I had held so dearly as my life - I have now discarded as B.S.

I have now begun a new search... in a different direction. Which of course led me to this site among others. It was on one of these other sites that I have found a possible family member of my b.mother. I then googled and found another site this family member was on, who just happened to have a message from my possible bmom. I now have a picture of her and while I do not have her skin coloring or hair color ( which I knew from non ID info that I didnt) the facial resemblance is spot on.

So... I sent this family member a message and gave her SOME information and asked her to email me back if she could help. I have not heard from her. But to be honest I really do not believe that she checks this site that much, as the site said there had been no activity for the last 30 days.

I have sent this picture to many friends of the possible bmom to get opinions, as I did not just want to see what I wanted to see. My BF said that there is no doubt to him and is ready to celebrate. Obviously he is not adopted right. God bless him, I love him dearly.

So I wait. I have her name and her ph #, but I refuse to intrude (or am I scared, I dunno). I wait for the family member who was supposedly around at the time of my birth to contact me back.

But I find that I am completly numb. I am NOT excited as I was the first time I thought I had found her ( which incidently is not the same women as this one) I feel nothing, which concerns me. I am not happy nor am I sad. I am detached I think.

Obviously, I do not want to come across like this emotionless robot when and if they contact me back. I guess I just need to know if anyone else has experienced this state of nothingness during thier search/ first contact. If so - how did this affect you during or leave a bad impression on your first phone or F2F reunion ?

I am so sorry this is wordy...I guess I just needed to get it out.

[jrainbow]

I'm glad you shared ... that is what this site is for. Good luck and I hope you get a response soon. Maybe the reason you are numb is because you are afraid to get your hopes up, for good reason.

Stay in touch - good, bad, or unknown. This is a great group and lots of support.

[RavenSong]

I think the numbness you're feeling right now may be your mind's way of protecting you, just in case you're not on the right trail. I hope it does turn out to be your birthmother. When you sent your message to her family member, did you send it via PM or via Email thru Adoption.com? If you send it via the Email option, the site will forward the message to her registered email address. (It won't show your own return email address, so if you want a response via email, she'll need to come to the site and send her response via the same option. Or you could include your email address in the message to her.)

[bprice215]

I'm glad you shared your search, I know it's not an easy task when we have so many things happen to us during our search. Be strong and never give in or never give up. When the time is right it'll happen.
bprice215

[JustPeachy]

The "numbness" could also be because you ARE on the right trail, and having likely found your bmom, the anticipation and build up leading to that moment is gone. I've read that sometimes the search itself can be so very exciting, and espeically with long searches, the search sort of takes you over. Then when you find the person, there is that "let down" of emotion as you've reached the end of the search. I think it's fairly common. I wouldn't worry about coming across as an "emotionless robot" but if you think you do, just explain that you've been searching for a long time and are now so stunned that you are having a hard time being super emotional. I have a feeling once you actually hear from your bmom (or her family), some more feelings will surface, but if not, again, everyone processes these things differently. And being more "calm" cannot really hurt anything, you know?

[dlb003]

Thank you for your support ladies/

jrainbow - I am sure your absolutley right. I just dont like feeling this way.

Ravensong - the site that I wrote to the family member, notifies you when someone has looked at your profile, but does not notify you that you have an email. At least in my experience. So I will give it another week or so and if no bites than I will make another move.

bprice215 - Thank you for your kind words of support.

Justpeachy - Sage advice indeed. I do feel a calmness, perhaps your right and I do feel deep down that it is her this time. Her picture is a very happy picture - big cheesy grin, one that looks like mine. That makes me smile - I think she looks like a very nice and happy lady.

Thank you again . I will keep you all posted and keep your fingers crossed for me !

[Kelly/Adriana]

Good Afternoon!

I was reading your entry. I was just wondering if you have decided to go forth and get in touch with your birthmother. I got in touch with my birthmother a few years ago. It didn't go to well. I hope that it goes well for you...and I am so interested in any updates. Have a great day!

[djvj]

hi,
i'm a bmom in reunion, and have been feeling overwhelmed by my reactions to reunion, so spent some time looking around the internet for signs of what was normal in reunion.

i ran across a site called My Reunion Coach - Adoption Reunion Support, where there is a free mini course (verbal) that you sign up for. each day for 4 days you get a little "lesson" in your email, click on it, and hear a 7-8 minute lecture about what to expect while searching and reuniting for birthparents and adoptees. the first lesson talked about one of the main first reactions is feeling numb. lol

so i just want to assure you your feelings are normal. take all the time you need, and i encourage you to look at the site i mentioned as well as to keep researching the reunion topic so that if you do indeed decide to make contact one day you will be prepared for your possible (as well as you bmother's possilbe) emotional reactions.

i myself skipped the "numb" part, went into overwhelm, grief, excitement, etc....but when i read this i had to smile. i thought my reactions were crazy at first, and it helps me to know that they are in fact a normal part of this emotional journey.

ps: just want to add that in my situation, i sure wish my bdaughter had "found" me earlier. not every situation in the same, but i would never have found her phoning me to be intrusive.

best of luck to you with this?

[dlb003]

Hi Kelly - thank you for your support!

I am so sorry your reunion did not go well.

It's wonderful to see that you have not let that affect your wonderful support of others during this process. Your real mom obviously does not know what she's missing. I will have to read up on your story if you have posted one.

No update. While I did leave a message for who I think may be her sister on Classmates.com (which is what made me uncomfortable, as it is not the proper venue for this potential bombshell) she has not read the message yet. It has been 17 days since I sent the message...

So I dont know if I should wait until she reads it ... or go ahead and sent a message to who I think may be my real mom - also on Classmates. urghhhhhh

[dlb003]

Hi djvj !

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for the link - I have already signed up and I look forward to my first little " lesson" .

I started to cry when you mentioned that you wished your daughter had found you sooner - tearing up now. That means alot to me and I hope that my real mom feels the same way. I am glad you found each other.

As I mentioned in my post above to Kelly- I appear to be standing at the fence and trying to find the courage to to jump on over. Maybe these lessons of Christi's will help me find that courage to send a message directly to her instead of waiting...

Thank you again for your kind words and advice.

[djvj]

i'm glad if the link is helpful. the lessons are kind of funny, because she has a really gung-ho voice, but i really felt all the information she presented was really true to my experience, at least.

if you have any other questions or just want a bmother with a tiny bit of reunion experience to talk to, feel free to email me...i get so much help and support here it would be a blessing for me to get to pass some of it on...

i also want to add that you are already showing great courage in even initiating a search and attempting to make contact - so go easy on yourself. this is a huge lifestep to undertake. in my reunion, everything is as i have dreamed it could be but i still am experiencing a lot of buried pain and surprising feelings. be gentle with youself...

keep me posted! i'll be thinking of you

[dlb003]

Hi djvj -

I had my first lesson yesterday - haven't got the next one yet. I started to laugh when she brought up the numb part. You were spot on !

I appreciate the encouragement - its been a long time coming. The waiting is becoming excruciating though.

So tell me about your long lost daughter...

[djvj]

i'm glad your finding out you are normal. it's hard when you don't know if your crazy on top of everything else that goes on during a search....

my daughter is almost 23, and every dream and more i could have wished for her has come true. she has had a wonderful life, and her parents provided all the love and support i knew she deserved. i found her, called her mother, and a week later she and her parents and boyfriend flew to my city and spent almost 5 days with me. i was so happy and walking on air for the week they were here and the week after they left.

then, suddenly, one day i woke up crying. sobbing. and it didn't stop. it got worse and worse. and i was thinking "what on earth is WRONG with me? she's perfect and we had a great visit and we are going to have a wonderful relationship, so why am i feeling like i'm dying?

well, it turns out this is normal for bmothers in reunion. we have loved and missed our children for so many years, in my case, almost 23, and all those raw emotions come to the surface after a reunion. it's normal, it's healthy, it's actually healing. but when you don't know that, and you feel sooo overwhelmed with grief, it is scary. that is when i found this site and began to post and post and i have received so much support from so many people...i've also learned alot about other people in the adoption triad...the adoptive mothers, the birth children, etc. even if reunion is fairytale, it is also going to include some pain for each one of us. amothers often worry they will lose their children. bchildren worry about being rejected, about how their aparents will feel, and also might reconnect with feelings they didn't even know they had about the adoption. it is a very intense journey. i feel blessed to have this chance to know my bdaughter, because i have loved her with every cell in my body since the day she was born...and nothing will ever change that for me. now i get a chance to know the beautiful woman she has become and let her get to know me too.

i also had a few days of feeling terrified that she might reject me too... i think adoptees and birthmoms both worry about this in reunion, so you are not alone in your fears. keep posting, and talking about whatever you are feeling with the wise women (and men) who come to this site every day. i promise you, no matter what you do, you will learn a lot about yourself.

keep me posted on how things are going!

[dlb003]

That is a wonderful story! I am so glad you found her, I am so glad that you can now look and find peace within yourself and know the decision you made at the time was the right one.

Yesterday I found a post on this site that was truly enlightening, a birth mother (Denisesmom) had asked for advise on her situation and it turned into a discussion that broke my heart. The birth mothers and adoptees that posted in support were very open and honest. Much like you.

My feelings being an adoptee are that of wonder. Who is this woman that I have never known, who carried me in her womb for 9 months. Who am I and all the other questions that adoptees wonder about. But I have never (that I can remember anyway) felt the pain of that loss, my mother. My feelings were very distant and very clinical and so often it was just a thing that happened when I was 3 months old. I am now 41 and that was a long time ago. There was never a real person attached to that of my mother.

Until this week. Until I looked at her picture again this morning and it became so very real.

I have read many stories of adoptees and was involved with ALMA for awhile, I had never had the opportunity to hear a birth mothers voice. Now I have.

This is real now - that is scary. I can deal ( I think) with my feelings about my adoption, I have had them for years. I have been searching for years and know what can happen - or what may not happen. But NOW this woman is a real person and I am looking at her picture and listening to you birth mothers out there, your feelings, your pain, your longing and I lay them on her... and she becomes so very real.

This is frightening.

It was easier when this was just a situation that happened a very long time ago...

[djvj]

it is so much more scary to be dealing with real people instead of concepts. real people are all so different, with different personalities, expectation, histories, needs, etc....

remember, you have all the time you need. you don't have to rush into anything until you feel ready. i waited about 5 months before contacting her parents...i had a lot of time to look at her pics and notes to friends. the day i found her profile i burst into tears -- to me, she was always that beautiful little newborn baby - now i was looking at this grown woman...it took a lot of getting used to.

for you, your bmother was a sort of fantasy, not necessarily positive, but not a real human -- when you look at a photo you realize - this is a person. a real, live person. and a lot of buried feelings come out...

when i gave birth, i thought i knew how i would feel when i first held my daughter. i had NO CLUE. she was a little person - my heart burst into a thousand constellations of love - there is NO preparing yourself for that.

it will be a different situation for you to see your bmother as a person - but emotional none the less.

if i were your bmother, and i read this, my advice to you would be to take good care of yourself, explore these feelings, get support, and then make a decision of what to do. no rushing. i would say to you that i am always here and waiting, and that I want YOU to do what is best for YOU. because when i let you go that is what i wished for - a happy secure life that i was afraid i could not provide for you. I would tell you that you have every right to be afraid and take all the time you need. I would tell you that i am afraid too.

i can't speak for your bmother, but this is what i would want my own bdaughter to know if she was in your position.