[SilverWitch]

I am really confused. I have been in a very rocky reunion with my daughter for 7 years this December. She loves the interenet and it is the only way I know what is going on and stuff with her. She has pulled back over and over. Usually when it gets close to time to f2f. Each time we both decide - ok, we are ready, suddenly she explodes and pulls back.

Is this normal? I mean, is it fear on her part? What should I do? After all 7 years is kind of getting old, you know what I mean?

I love her more than life and yet I can't seem to do things right or whatever.

Please, have any of you ever had this experience? HELP!

[bprice215]

It's very hard being a parent, the only thing harder is being a birth parent. I know how flustrating this can be for you as I went through something simular with my daughter. When the time is right it'll happen so please be patient with her. This contact is all about her and her needs at present. Be happy you found each other, be happy you're still in some kind of contact with each other. 7 years is a long time I do understand that but obviously it is not long enough for your daughter. Take care.
bprice215

[SilverWitch]

Did it take more than 7years for a f2f to occur? I am at my wits end. This is driving me nuts and while I am the parent, I am entitled to be a little human!

sigh......

[jrainbow]

First of all - <<HUGS>> - Silverwitch. This has to be so frustrating. 7 years is a really long time. I have 2 ideas - and they are conflicting.

My first thought is that she has anticipated and worried about the f2f for so long - it has taken on a huge, scary life of its own. Sometimes it is just better to take a deep breath and leap before you look. You hear about this in internet dating - everything is fine, until you meet. So people postpone meeting - better what you have than risk having nothing. Maybe instead of a long plan, if you had something that just came up that she could agree to quickly and it would be over then maybe it would work. Kind of like pulling off a bandaid.

My second thought is that maybe she really doesn't want to meet. If you meet then she will have to take some kind of action that she doesn't want to now - or maybe never. In that case, she is agreeing to please you and then pulling back cuz she really doesn't want to go there. In this case, you will need to decide for yourself what you are willing to settle for in a relationship.

No one can make us do anything ... and we can't make anyone else do or feel anything. All you have control over is your response - what can you live with. Good luck.

[rainmon]

Silverwitch, just wondering what her age is....is she young and immature? has she traveled much?
have you already exchanged lots of current photos or maybe talked live (visually) over internet?
do you think that would help her apprehension?
to ease into it that way.....or maybe you could send a video of you talking to her casually as if she were in the room with you.
you could have someone follow you around your house and yard showing her around your personal world as if she were there....maybe that kind of presence would help her some.
or do you think maybe she needs some medical help with anxiety?

[SilverWitch]

She is going to be 30 in two months, a little less. She has lived all over the world. We have exchanged photos and things via the interenet, but for some reason, no visual chats. I have considered the rest, but it is not a possibility right now - money being the issue. I think she has worked her own anxiety into a monster that she can't control. She is terrified of rejection of any form. She spent a lifetime with rejection, never good enough for her a parents.

I just think it is past time and need to decide what to do. I will be there with my cousin in a bit and may just initiate a visit myself. I do not know for sure.

[Jackiejdajda]

SilverWitch

We have exchanged photos and things via the interenet, but for some reason, no visual chats.

She may have a negative body image.. and is afraid to deal with it.. She may have an eating disorder anorexic or the opposite..

I think she has worked her own anxiety into a monster that she can't control. She is terrified of rejection of any form. She spent a lifetime with rejection, never good enough for her a parents.

I think of the line in one of John Bradshaws books.. on speaking to our infant self..
the words..
"You will have all the time you need to have your needs met."

I just think it is past time and need to decide what to do. I will be there with my cousin in a bit and may just initiate a visit myself. I do not know for sure.

I invited myself to my bson home.. told him I was going to be in the area and made an appointment..
I was in his area for a while and he only wanted to meet up once..

Jackie

[SilverWitch]

Well, after much thought and a lot of input from many different people, adoptees, birthmothers, aparents, it seems that the one thing they all agree on is that it is way past time.

So, without a lot of preperation, I am going to be going to visit her while I am in the area. It is a very expensive trip and has taken a year of planning with my cousin - who is an aparent of two lovely children - I am going to give it a shot. If nothing else, she will know that no matter what, I love her.

Wish me luck!

[austin0i]

Silver,

I think that is your only choice. I would try to find a time where she is alone. Is that possible?

[jrainbow]

Good luck Silverwitch. Hope everything works out.

[SilverWitch]

I agree. I have already worked it out. I will arrive at a time after her husband leaves and before there could be normal visitors. My cousin is a doll and will help as she can, she is my driver and photographer! LOL - and we will have great fun. I am scared to the point of being sick every time I eat - but I am going to do it.

I love her far to much to let things sit in the stew anymore!

[rainmon]

The trip sounds like fun....but I do hope it won't be a complete surprise....as that may not go over too well.

[SilverWitch]

Actually during one of her more interesting temper tantrums she basically said - get up off your behind and face me. I usually ignore them, but at this point and with all of her fear and anxiety (got an insider giving me the low down on what is up) it is unlikely that she will have a negative reaction.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by SilverWitch

Actually during one of her more interesting temper tantrums she basically said - get up off your behind and face me.

You know, she may just need you to assert yourself and mother her.

A Mom knows best kind of thing, you know?

I can tell you as a reunited adoptee, who was 39 when I met my mother, there were feelings within me that were childlike and when my mother would be reassuring or comforting.....basically "mothering me", it felt good. I needed it, even at my age.

It is hard as an adult, because you don't realize how much you need your mother and when those feelings raise up inside you, it is scary. It makes you feel so vulnerable, as you are always afraid if you let yourself need her in the way you feel you should, she will leave.

This adoption/reunion situation is complicated ( I am speaking as an adoptee) and there are so many different emotions one doesn't expect to feel, but you do.

Being that this has been going on for 7 years, I think you are doing the right thing. You are taking charge and leading the way, which may be what your daughter needs and honestly, is waiting for.

I am hoping all the best for you and your daughter

K

[SilverWitch]

Thank you! You have no idea how scared I am that she will hate me or something. She is seriously independant with regards to parents - adoptive parents and her have a crappy relationship if any at all - and I believe it is because she remembers me conscioiusly, not like an infant. She was almost 4 when they adopted her and she was very bonded to me.

I feel she is lost and wants to say it, but is scared and only knows the childish tantrum thing. I will try to be good about everything.

You have no idea how your words help me.