[Tazer]

Hi All... I am posting this separate thread b/c I have no desire to focus on the current issues in my reunion with my daughter Jessica but I can't stop thinking and wondering about REUNION, ya' know? I need to share that I had a session with my therapist today that was very helpful and I am better having put our reunion on hold.

Now...I've been reading some of the threads here and it seems as if (IMO) a lot of adoptee's are dealing with A-parents who feel as if our B-kids are gonna run up to us upon reuniting scream Mama, and come home to us carrying a twin bed and all of their clothes. That is nothing even close to what I ever thought, dreamed or wanted to happen in reunion. I simply wanted to know that my daughter didn't die from SIDS, could meet her blood relatives, if she wanted to and not marry one of us someday by accident, and have an opportunity to know that she has more than a slight chance of developing type II diabetes, and that I can answer any questions she might have surrounding her conception and placement.

I didn't want to re-raise her, claim her as my own or take anyone's place in her life. I had no desire to judge her or her parents and I didn't need her to prove anything to me.

I am wondering why there is so much concern when ADULTS want to meet their family of origin? I keep reading posts where someone says to adoptee's "This is probably hard for your A-parents," and every time I do I want to scream WHY??? Am I missing something here?

Tracy

[djvj]

oooooohhh, this is a gooooood topic tracy. i'm going to have to respond very thoughtfully with my feelings on it, and i'm going to be very very thoughtful in how i word it, because i bet this will be a hot topic...

thanks for bringing up something i think really really needs to be discussed openly on this forum.

[austin0i]

Hi Tracy,

I am wondering why you chose to post this question in the Adoptee section.

Why dont you ask this question in the Adoptive Parent section.

Isn't that who you are asking about? Why don't you go directly to the source?

Kim

[Stormster]

I don't know except that maybe just because a kid turns 18 his parents don't stop thinking of him as their baby kwim? We are in an OA and I have many friends and relatives who are threatened just hearing about a kid with two mothers. I have no doubt that the majority of birth mothers in reunion are no threat at all ...in fact except for one story I can remember ALL of the relationships have been very appropriate but I do think it would be helpful if you could try (as I know you have bio kids) just try to put yourself in their shoes. Although you have a unique perspective being a parent and a birth mother, many aparents also struggle with infertility and this might make them more possessive perhaps?

I don't think there is any excuse to be rude or rejecting or make reunion difficult, I do have compassion for parents who can't handle it....it is truly their loss and I'm afraid the adoptee is the one who suffers for it.

[lovemy6]

I'll answer honestly as an a-p.

Fear that I'll lose my kids bc they'll feel more of a connection with their biofamily.

Fear that I'll lose them on holidays.

Fear that they'll find another mother better than me. After all, throughout them growing up, I had to be the disiplinarian. Bmom won't have to be. She can be fun all the time.

Fear that there's this hole in my kids' hearts that all the love I could ever give them would never be enough to fill, but that just a drop of love from bmom will fill it completely.

I'm sure if I sat here long enough I could think of more reasons, but for now, I guess I can say that Fear is my biggest reason.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by Stormster

many aparents also struggle with infertility and this might make them more possessive perhaps?

I don't think there is any excuse to be rude or rejecting or make reunion difficult, I do have compassion for parents who can't handle it....it is truly their loss and I'm afraid the adoptee is the one who suffers for it.

I have two bio kids, could have had more had that been my choice, but it wasn't. Yet I still am very possessive of my kids. I freely admit that I'm jealous of my kids' (well some of my kids') bmom. She gave them life. As much as I would have wanted to, I can NEVER do that.

BTW, we have had relationships with all my kids' biofamilies. They were foster/adopt and we knew their bmoms and bdads for a year or more before we chose OA.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

Fear that there's this hole in my kids' hearts that all the love I could ever give them would never be enough to fill, but that just a drop of love from bmom will fill it completely.

WOW thanks for sharing that.

[loveajax]

Tracy, I don't know that you can draw generalizations about how a parents feel about reunion (or birth parents or adoptees!).

My Dh and his two sibs are in their 40s and all adopted. My SIL found her birth mom when she was about 25 and thinking of having kids of her own. They had a really nice reunion, but there was never any "sense" of anyone trying to supplant anyone's "roles." In fact, my MIL said meeting SIL's birth mom was awesome and helped her know SIL more (sadly, SIL's birth mom died of a brain tumor shortly thereafter).

My inlaws are really awesome and have always supported their kids finding their birth parents. My DH sent a letter to his birth mom about 8 mos ago (when he was 42) and unfortunately has never heard back from her (it's sad and in some ways I am "upset" about it, but what can you do). BIL has never had any desire to search, though recently he had a very serious health scare and said he can understand now why people want to search (he was not very supportive of my SIL during the whole reunion thing).

One of the reasons though that I am glad that we have an OA (though it has its own bumps) is that I never want DD to have to go through all the "reunion" stuff...it just seems like it can be so hard.

I will also say that as an a parent one thing that drives me absolutely BATTY is when there is a reunion and I hear birth parents really "knocking" a parents (they raised a "monster"...I would never have done that yada yada). It may be true, but somehow it could also be a function of where the adoptee is at in his/her life (if you met me at 18, I would have told you I hated my parents, was a total monster myself, etc. etc.!). And of course if the kid has turned out fantastic, I see more of "s/he's JUST like me!!!" (Btw, I see that with a parents too...taking "credit" for good stuff (our awesome parenting!) and "discounting" the bad (it's genetic!)).

[djvj]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

Fear that I'll lose my kids bc they'll feel more of a connection with their biofamily.

Fear that I'll lose them on holidays.

Fear that they'll find another mother better than me. After all, throughout them growing up, I had to be the disiplinarian. Bmom won't have to be. She can be fun all the time.

Fear that there's this hole in my kids' hearts that all the love I could ever give them would never be enough to fill, but that just a drop of love from bmom will fill it completely.

I'm sure if I sat here long enough I could think of more reasons, but for now, I guess I can say that Fear is my biggest reason.

what a beautiful way to explain this to a bmother. at first it was a little hard for me to understand how an amother could view us as a threat. as i started to go through my own reactions to first reunion, i also learned that since i am not in amoms shoes i simply can not know what she experiences...but i think the above is probably a very good summary of how she might feel. i know this: we ALL have feelings that we wish we didn't, jealousy among them. if we don't talk about these feelings they can grow and become awful in proportion, so i think it is healthy for amoms that are able to admit to and explore these feelings. i can not judge them any more than they can judge me for my grief.

having said that, i think that i as a bmom sometimes feel very sensitive about this, because when i relinquished, i truly did so selflessly, for utter love of my child and because i was convinced it was the only way to give her a happy life. expressing my own feelings of pain and grief were considered inappropriate. i wasn't allowed to share them with anyone, especially the afamily. most people on this forum argue that bmothers should not "burden" the afamily or the child with their personal pain; and yet it often seems that when the amom feels similar type of pain in reunion, the same standards are not upheld.

imho, i think most (certainly not all) amothers simply HAVE NO IDEA of the extent that a birthmother suffers in giving up her child. to suffer, and to suffer in silence (for in my case 23 years) and then to hear that amother is having problems "sharing" the adult, well, at first it's a little hard to feel sympathetic...because the amom is now in the position of having to experience a tiny tiny fraction of what we felt when we gave up all our future rights, and at first it seems only fair that she would be willing to cope with her feelings alone the way we had to, again for the sake of the child. i would expect that she would put the child's (now adult's) needs first, just like we did; that she would recognize that without us (and our silent sacrifice) there would be NO child in her life to be jealous of in the first place.

if you are an amom, consider this scenario: if you were told and convinced by everyone that a reunion was TRULY IN THE BEST INTERESTS FOR YOUR CHILD, and in addition to this, you KNEW FOR A FACT that it would be a minimum of 18 years before you would ever have a chance to see your achild again, would you have the same strength, love and ability to self sacrifice that i did at 17? would you be able to act in the best interest of that child even if you knew the consequence for you would be a possible lifetime of aching loss? in fact, probably 99% of the time, chances are that your relationship will not be adversely affected by your child reuniting with their bparent. we as young birthmothers did not have this assurance; and for most of us, it was a no win situation - it was the "happiness" of our babies pitted against taking care of our own wants, needs and feelings. and you know what our choice was.....so, you can probably understand that we struggle a bit when we hear of amother jealousy.

when i let go of my little baby for the last time, it was without any concrete, legal assurance that there would indeed ever be a reunion - i had to trust - i had to cope alone, and i was still only a child myself - i had to put on a pleasant face...i had to respect your (afamily) privacy and feelings. in reunion, it is the amom's turn to experience a shadow of that same pain...and i think we as bmoms can and should try to extend empathy and compassion because at least for me IT WAS THE HARDEST, MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. so i try to remind myself of this when i read about jealous amoms, or amoms who interfere with reunions. we who have survived the pain of relinquishment have hopefully grown as spiritual beings through our suffering, and if we can extend kindness and understanding to someone involved in the same struggle as much as we can, then we are making the world of our triad a better place. yes, sometimes i still get offended and angry, sometimes i feel it is cruelly unfair, but i am far less than perfect, and who am i to judge the pain of anyone else?

i want a relationship with my bdaughter. i would love to also have a separate relationship with my matrikin (definition - bdaughter's amom). i truly believe there is more than enough room in my bdaughter's heart for us both. i do not speak for everyone, i know each situation is different, but i do believe from my own experience of speaking with other birthmothers, that this is our most common intention in reunion...

i hope i have stated my feelings clearly and in a non-offensive way. i hope that each of us in the triad can do our best to try to understand the other if only for the sake of the grown child. ultimately, this is a chance for us to become better people, to realize that the separate bonds we share with our child do not cancel each other out, and to realize that we always have a choice in how we will approach and treat each other's difficult feelings.

[txrnr]

Just quick thoughts, and I don't claim them to be facts, but possible perceptions.

Adoptees and their parents are often referred to adopted, or adoptive. Maybe for 18+ years the parents are tired of having the media, and well meaning friends refer to them as they are the babysitters, just waiting for the "real" mother to show up.

People tend to point out the differences... "she doesn't look like you" or "where did that red hair come from"? I think (my opinion only) that we focus a lot on the "confusion" of the adoptees, or the "hurt" of the birthparents, and don't realize all the subtle messages AP's get.

Sometimes, I think we see what we want to see. If you have a good relationship with AP's, you pay more attention to those posts. If it's the opposite, you find comfort in reading the ones that relate most to your situation. Or at least, that's what I find myself doing. I can't relate to the posts were the parents are trying to prevent reunion, and don't find I have much to offer, or learn from those. (not that they aren't important,or very real)

Once again, just my thoughts, and I'm often told I'm full of it. It does seem like you may get a better response from the Adoptive Parent forum.

[wishfulthinker]

As an adoptee I cannot presume to know how an amom or bmom feels, nor will I try. I will say that I believe that a reunion involving all three members of the triad would be the best possible solution since all three sides are affected by adoption and also reunion. Having said that, I realize that each family is unique and this is likely not always an option.

I also believe that no bmom could ever replace an amom. Of course adoptees are going to have some sort of feelings for their bmom, as that person is afterall the one that gave us life (and I'm sure bmoms also share that feeling towards us as we were born from them). But, those feelins I don't think will ever come close to the very special place in an adoptee's heart that only the amom holds. After all, our amom is the one that was there through thick and thin, and has loved us unconditionally as a mother does. My amom will always be my mother - my only mother. As of now my bmom is a stranger, a mystery. My bmom is simply the one who gave me life, not the one who shared and molded my life.

And yes, I do agree that adoptees have room in our hearts for both amom and bmom, but the place in my heart for my amom is and always will be much, much bigger.

[leoson]

I have a grown adopted son and two grown biological kids.

On the one hand, when I adopted my son as a baby I knew that part of the deal was that he may want to meet his birth mother at some point. I am a grown-up, and I saw it as my job to present the fact that he was adopted to him (and his story) in a way that would most likely make him feel secure (and understand that he was not "unwanted").

In fact, the only difference I've ever noticed in having an adopted child versus having biological children, is that the biological children don't have that "story" (for a parent to figure out how to present in the best way).

On the other hand, when you have had a child since birth (biological or adopted), and when you're a "regular" mother, with "regular" maternal instincts and emotional "resources", you bond with the child you have cared for since infancy in a most powerful way.

All good, loving, normal, mothers want to protect their children; and that can mean an adoptive mother will worry about what putting a name and face to the birth family may do to their son or daughter. Depending on how old and/or emotionally mature a kid is, some kids are knocked for a loop (at least for a while) when they meet someone that previously didn't seem all that real.

I have always been a super-secure mother when it comes to my super-close/super-great relationship with all three of my kids. I never felt the least bit threatened for myself or for my relationship with my son. Sometimes, though, kids (biological or adopted) want so much not to hurt the parents who love them so much, and whom they love so much, they are reluctant to tell their adoptive parents they want to search. Even if their parents are "grown-ups" and have always known that re-uniting could be part of the deal, kids don't always know that.

Even if they know it "in their head" they may still worry about what it will do to their parents (the same way parents worry what it may do to their child). These things happen when parents and kids love each other, so they're more likely to happen when an adoption is what is should be - rather than an adoption "gone bad".

What is "separate" isn't just the different bonds. What can be "separate" can be the adoptive mother's conflicting thoughts/feelings about the matter.

For me, it was never about me feeling threatened or not being solid enough to know my son may meet his birth mother. In fact, when he was contacted by an agency with an invitation to meet her (when he was 21) he wasn't going to respond. I was the one to say, "Could you just call the woman (a social worker at the agency) and tell her to tell her you're ok? She deserves that much." He did, and he was talked into meeting his birth mother "just once". She was said to be suffering from depression and "limited mental capacity", and he felt bad for her; so he went.

It did, in fact, knock him for a loop for a few years. Without going into the can of worms that he ran into, he met her and all her relatives awfully soon after my mother (the grandmother he so treasured) died after a long illness. It was all kind of too much, and he ended up having all kinds of complications that wouldn't have happened had he been a few years older.

His meeting her did not threaten my relationship with him . In fact, it made us closer. Still, it was not a "can of worms" I thought he was ready to deal with at that particular age/year. I had always hoped he'd be closer to 25. (Kids' prefrontal cortexes are actually not finished maturing until early to mid twenties, so I think I wasn't being foolish to think it would be better if he was "good and mature" rather than "brand new grown-up at 21".

As an adoptive mother, for me, it was always about whether my son was ready to meet the birth mother. It just wasn't about me at all.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by austin0i

Hi Tracy,

I am wondering why you chose to post this question in the Adoptee section.

Why dont you ask this question in the Adoptive Parent section.

Isn't that who you are asking about? Why don't you go directly to the source?

Kim

Sorry Kim...I am kinda new at this and I just posted where I read. You guys have shared some very touching and interesting veiwpoints and I thank you.

I have never thought such love and warmth would be at the center of my daughters A-moms motives for not wanting her to meet me. She kinda gave me the impression that coming to see me would be like Jessica going to spend the weekend with Black Sabbath....alone...with liquor and drugs for dinner. I actually closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if my raised kids were going to meet another mother someday and I can openly admit that my heart pounded just thinking about it.

It's difficult for everyone but I am praying that with continued open dialog it becomes better. Tracy

[wrgamom]

I am an adoptee, but have been having "discussions" (I call them lectures as I don't really get to say anything unless I assert myself which I have been doing - then they shut down and don't listen) with my aparents about this recently. I have been in reunion for seven months.

I have been told I am replacing my mother with somebody more fun (SO not true). That I have been disloyal and disrespectful since they had raised me just in my simple action of searching. (Their opinion not mine. And, I think, not true either. I am finally being true to myself.) Oh, and I was also accused of causing some minor health issues for my Dad. Again, not true as he does not eat well and has a type A personality. I refuse to be blamed for that!

My mother keeps talking about "doing the best they could". They feel that my looking for my birthfamily means I think they were bad parents. That is so far from the truth! They were great parents, but they sometimes tried too hard. It was almost like they had something to prove to the world and to us (my abrother and myself) throughout our lives that they would be good parents if given the opportunity. I think there are some issues stemming from the inability of my mother to have children, too, that I will never understand.

When my parents took me home, my mother went through a depression and was diagnosed with PPD. Personally, knowing what I know in the last 7 months, I think my mother had a lot of fear of my birthfamily coming back for me before the adoption was legal and I think she had a lot of concern for my birthmother giving up her baby.

I have come to realize that my mother will probably never understand my need to search for the simple fact that she never physically had a baby. She does not understand that natural connection. I have not told her this as it would just crush her, and it is based on what she keeps saying about my birthmother was supposed to go on have other children and forget about me. I know, as a mom, that is just not possible. The mind is powerful and will inable you to cope in certain ways, but to completely forget is impossible in my opinion. I realized that after the birth of my first child.

I know she is just so afraid right now (as is my Dad). They keep talking about losing me and that is not happening. They are my parents and I love them. I am trying to be consistent and be there for them just like I always have been. I do not know what else to do. I just try to love them as I always have. My Dad, by the way, has NEVER wanted to talk about our adoptions so we have not. He has a harder time about it than my Mom.

To answer your question, I can very much understand why it is hard for adoptive parents, but I KNOW my parents. I was trying to explain this to a birthmom recently (not my own). I know them as people and as my Mom and Dad so it is easy for me to love them. But, nature is a strong thing as well as nurture. I think I have come to the conclusion I need both in my life and always have. They meanwhile, have always had both and can't understand that so a lot of the original fears are coming out, if, in reality, they ever actually left. Meanwhile, birthmoms (or at least the few I have met in person besides my own) seem to have such conflicting emotions about adoptive parents. Some are angry towards them, some are understanding (thankfully my own is understanding), but unless you are in the perfect world (and some of us are, but not me on this subject), the adoptive parents and the birthparents meet. I do not think mine ever will and I am ok with that for now. I know my parents, I love my parents, I respect my parents and that is all that matters to me right now. I don't know if I am explaining that very well, but I am trying.

It is sort of sad when I think about it because I think they have lived in this state of fear on some level my whole life. Now that fear has become a reality for them and I am dealing with some serious guilt feelings about causing it to come back to the surface. I do not think I ever really knew how deep that fear went. To me, the key word for a lot of adoptive parents is just that: FEAR.

Honestly, if I could change one thing about my reunion, I am not sure I would have told my parents I was searching. That has been the hardest part of all of this. I have already started to keep things from them in the past 3-4 months because I can't deal with their reaction. The biggest is that I met my birthfather. If my Dad knew that, I am afraid it would kill him.

[Stormster]

wrgamom what a wonderful post. You sound like a wonderful child to all of your parents. You hit on many truths for we aparents (at least me). Esp. the fear and the "trying too hard" (gulp)

I just love the way you see things so clearly and also go on to respect whatever place the other person is in. That is a rare gift!

As for your amom and dad (both of whom sound a lot like DH and I) I hate to say this but that's something they sort of signed up for. We PARENTS do not raise cookie cutter perfect children who fulfill our every need and placate our every fear. They have to deal with it. This is too important for you.

I wish you loads and loads of love and luck on this journey. You deserve it!