[Aly7512]

Hi everyone,

About two weeks ago me and my biological mom began exchanging emails. My mom has always known I've had a desire to know more about my biological family and have always wanted to know who they were, but I guess they didn't think it would happen, or thought I would wait until I am a little older (I'm 23, college grad, still live at home). It is not good timing for my mom, with mother's day and everything, and I know it is upsetting to both my parents. I really think it is more shock and them being scared and concerned. I also think they still believe I'm a little girl and that my biological mom is going to take me away, which is not the case. I am so excited to be talking to my biological mom and to find out that I have 4 "half" sisters and one of them as a son, and I'm really comfortable and not crazy emotional like I thought I would be. The only thing that is upsetting is that my parents, even though they haven't explicitly said they don't think it is a good idea and they don't want me to have a relationship with my biological family, are upset by this and not exactly supportive. Any adivce on how I can help them through this and help them understand why I would want I relationship with my biological family, even though my adoptive family is my family that I love very much???

Thanks!

[dpen6]

I know it can be a hard place to be in.

My thoughts are this, Therelationship you have with your parents can never be replaced as it invovles you when you were at your most vunerable. You experianced you biggest milestones with them. That will never change. Your childhood is gone and the memories are with them.

Once they reaize that your reuinon really is about YOU and only YOU, that you reuniting has to do with you finding out about yorself and is not indicative of their parenting. It is not a measure of how much you love them , just because you wanted to meet the women that gave birth to you. Once they realize that your love for them won't change, that they are still mom and dad, that they can still hold on to the honors of being mom and dad, maybe they can be more accepting of your relationship with your birthmother.

I truly hope that all invovled in this including your bmom can understand the precarious place you are in. It can be so exciting yet so scary. Our birth alone has far reaching implications for everyone else. rreunions dreges up all sorts of feelings for the parents(all of them) and everyone else in the pheriphery. As an adopted person its a scary place.

I would test the waters with your parents, tell them nothing is going to change with their realtionship with you, that you are still the same daughter but one that now will know her roots. That their roots are still as important and yes on some level are your roots too, but now you have all the branches of your roots.

Congrats on finding your birthmother. It really is an exciting time. My suggestion is to keep it slow and steady.

[JustPeachy]

I agree with what dpen6 just stated, and also is there an adoption triad support group in your area? Maybe through the agency you were placed with (assuming your adoption was handled through an agency)? I have found it very helpful to get together with other triad members who are in various stages of reunion. Also you may wish to read some books on adoption reunion and how it affects all members of the triad.

You can try to reassure your parents but you can't make them understand something if they are not ready to. Still, you have to do what you need to do right now for yourself, not with total disregard for them, but with the understanding that they may not be ready to accept this now, and may not ever be as understanding as you'd like. Then again, they may come around and surprise you, it's just hard to tell right now.

I think what is most important in reunion is to move slowly, take time to process the myriad emotions that will definitely come up, and educate yourself as much as possible on adoption reunion. If you are open to professional counseling, that is helpful, too. Maybe you and your parents can go together??

[Jackiejdajda]

Aly7512

I also think they still believe I'm a little girl and that my biological mom is going to take me away, which is not the case.

They adopted you.. and they must have known this day would come..
I have been reading letters posted by folks who have had to deal with a reunion they have/had absolutely no control over.. the husband of an adoptee and the not relinquished daughter of a birthmom..
I see how angry some of them are.. or upset..
Your adoptive parents had some say in this.. consequences of actions and stuff like that..

I am so excited to be talking to my biological mom and to find out that I have 4 "half" sisters and one of them as a son, and I'm really comfortable and not crazy emotional like I thought I would be. The only thing that is upsetting is that my parents, even though they haven't explicitly said they don't think it is a good idea and they don't want me to have a relationship with my biological family, are upset by this and not exactly supportive.

Reunion is such a difficult life situation to navigate.. Take it slow.. Take it as slow as you can is my advice..
Give your aparents a chance to catch up maybe.. and tell them.. that you love them.. keep telling them..

Any adivce on how I can help them through this and help them understand why I would want I relationship with my biological family, even though my adoptive family is my family that I love very much

Its your journey to self.. It’s a journey you have an absolute right to be on..

Jackie

[loveajax]

Aly, first of all congratulations on finding your birth mom!

Second, maybe when it is a "comfortable" time (after you meet your birth family, etc.), your a parents will meet your birth mom. Sometimes the "unknown" is so much scarier than the "known." My SIL reunited with her birth mom and my MIL says it was so awesome to meet her birth mom (I know that's not always the case). I don't think it's children's "duty" to reassure their parents, but I think all you can say is that this journey has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with you. I hope they come around...Good luck!!

[Dickons]

I told my mom that she and dad would always be my mom and dad...just a plain truthful statement...it worked for us. Note that I would never use the term mom for my birthmother...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[bprice215]

I don't care if you're a 140 years old, you'll always be your a mom and a dad's little girl. That will not change now or ever. They love you and that's forever and now they think they have competition for their daughter. They really don't know how to deal with this birthmother thing that their daughter has suddenly thrust upon them. And now their daughter tells them that you have an entire extended family. How can your a mom and a dad compete. They can't because this is more about you and what you want than it is about what anybody else wants. You obviously need this new relation to make you a fuller person, a more complete person. Your a mom and a dad will not like this for they fear loosing their daughter. But take heart for love hurts, and as soon as your a parents see this, and see there is no threat they may not like it still but at least they will accep it and in time may come to understand their daughter a little bit better.
Best of luck to you.
bprice215

[zxczxcasdasd]

As an amom who's been through this with my son...

First of all, it's a testament to your love that you are even reaching out to find out if there's a way you can help them. That's cool. But let me say that you can't make it your responsibility and your burden to fix it, anymore than you could "fix" how each new phase and transition in parenting that involves letting go of your child a little more, is painful and hard. This is a huge transition, and transitions take time to get through, to heal from, and to adjust to.

One of the main things that caught me in your post was that it's been only 2 weeks and you are still living at home. So...it's very early, and they are watching it all unfold.

Being the parent of an adoptee in early reunion can be a very scary place to be, because there are deep fears and many unknowns- they still don't know how this is going to ultimately change you or your relationship with them and they may fear not just losing you, but losing how things have been, and may be grieving the loss of being your only family and your only parents (not in existence, but in your daily life). That takes a while to work through. It's their work to do, not yours, but you can still love them through it and recognize and have compassion for how your reunion impacts them without thinking that means it's wrong for you to be in reunion or wrong for them to be struggling with it.

Also...I want to clarify that being supportive of reunion, doesn't make it easy or painless. Even as a parent who supports and enables my son's reunion, there is still confusion, fear and pain. It is still a difficult and complicated thing to navigate. I get frustrated at the perception that if an aparent supports reunion then it will just be a big happy party. There is an element of pain and confusion for everyone in a reunion, and aparents are no exception to that.

You can't make the difficulty of this transition go away for them. But if you want a few tips or advice for helping them muddle through this, not as someone whose burden and responsibility it is, but as someone who loves them and cares how they feel, I can suggest some things. You can still care how they feel and want to show that, without letting their feelings define your life or direct your actions.

So if you want to do that: hug them a lot, speak all those words of love and appreciation that we so often think without verbalizing, give them some dedicated time, maintain or revive some family traditions or favorite activities that will give them assurance and comfort, use Mother's and Father's Day to tell your parents everything they've meant to you and will always mean to you, and don't be afraid to tell them that as your parents you need their help and support for this because you count on them to give you that as they always have.

You can do those things without making their feelings your responsibility. You can just allow them their feelings and love them through it as you want to be allowed your feelings and loved through it.

Some things can't be fixed in a day. Over time, they will be assured of their place in your life and your unchanging love for them, even while you live your own life and build a lasting relationship with your birth family.

Best wishes. Feel free to pm me if you want.

and Congratulations.

[Jackiejdajda]

zxczxcasdasd

There is an element of pain and confusion for everyone in a reunion, and aparents are no exception to that.

I think we need to really recognize this.. and speak more about this on the boards..

Your post has really given me some insight.. thank you..
I could feel that there were issues with my bson family.. and I backed off..

Jackie

[longingtomeetyou]

my thoughts....

you cant control their actions.....you are an adult now and its another stage of the adoption process....
reunion has been a part of adoption for years and that will never change......you can thank them for raising you up and that this reunion is very important for your healing !!!
from my research on adoption it seems that alot of adoptive parents are not happy with reunion and i dont think that you can change that ......this is something you have to do and you shouldnt feel bad about it......they will have to work through their feelings .....

you arent a little girl anymore and you have every right to have a relationship with your birthmom!!
im excited for you and i sure look forward to a relationship with my daughter one day ( shes almost 18) i cant wait!!!!

you will probably have to keep this reunion between you and your birthmom until you feel that your adoptive parents can handle it....
i hope it all works out for you hon

im excited hearing about reunions ....

[zxczxcasdasd]

I think we need to really recognize this.. and speak more about this on the boards..

Your post has really given me some insight.. thank you..
I could feel that there were issues with my bson family.. and I backed off..

Jackie

(((Jackie))) Thank you for your kind words.

I'm sorry you felt you had to back off because of his family issues.

I don't think that adoptees owe their parents not searching or building relationships with their birth families, not for a minute! But I do not understand why aparents' feelings and struggle with it are so often met with scorn, dismissal, or advice to just ignore or freeze them out...rather than with the compassion and grace we all want when we're confused and hurting, especially from immediate family members.

I hope that things with your son's family improve so that it's not an impediment to your relationship. I like happy endings.

[Jackiejdajda]

Zxczxcasdasd

I'm sorry you felt you had to back off because of his family issues.

He was relinquished in the very closed era.. and his aparents are older than me..
Not much learning about the human condition back then..

He does not speak of them.. I have not seen any pictures of them..
I have no problem with this.. tho… I am okay with what is happening in my reunion.. and am one of the ones making it so…

I don't think that adoptees owe their parents not searching or building relationships with their birth families, not for a minute! But I do not understand why aparents' feelings and struggle with it are so often met with scorn, dismissal, or advice to just ignore or freeze them out...rather than with the compassion and grace we all want when we're confused and hurting, especially from immediate family members.

When I reunited I was lucky enough to have a friend (on line friend) that was dealing with reunion.. of her step daughter.. (she was not the original amom)..
But this woman was able to share her fears with me.. and I was able to share my fears with her..
We helped each other..

Keeping an open mind.. and understanding that everyone involved in this is going to have their world shaken up..
So complicated these reunions .. And I think taking ones time works..

I keep posting a Reunion Socialization letter.. by anonymous..
The last lines in this letter is..

“You have the rest of your life to sort this.”

I hope that things with your son's family improve so that it's not an impediment to your relationship. I like happy endings.

I am an impediment.. We do not have the money to travel across the country to go and visit.. I do not feel comfortable getting phone calls.. and he does not do email..
But his sending pictures and me knowing all is well and if something bad does happen he will call.. is enough..

Jackie

[geecee]

I made contact with my bmom 11 years ago. I never told my family i was doing it. The terror of somebody telling them made me run away, so to speak. After 10 years of no contact. I want to reunite again. I still cant contemplate telling my mom. Knowing it would change her, irriversibly.
I might be doing the wrong thing, but who does telling them benefit.
I live a thousand miles from either family. I hope thats enough

[Jo Ellen]

As an adoptee I believe we have just as much right as anyone else to know where we come from. How anyone reacts to any of this even adoptive parents is no one's issues but theirs. It takes everyone different amounts of time to process all that goes on in a reunion and how it is handled is up to each individual. Just my opinion and 2 cents.

[wrgamom]

My Mom and Dad have had the same problems and I am 38!! I told them what I was doing from day one and they were ok with it and very supportive. Until it was a reality. Now it is a completely different story. They are so threatened by my bmom that they can't see I am still their dd and always will be. I love them! My husband keeps telling me it will just take time and normalcy for them to see I am still their daughter.

If you find the magic answer let me know. It is really causing some pain right now for everybody.

My bmom and I have become close, but I cannot and will not call her Mom. I call her by her first name. It is too creepy and weird to call her Mom.