[glama4]

I honestly feel like a semi expert on this subject.I was adopted, a closed adoption. Many years later I would meet my "wacko" biological family" and was glad I was spared "as well as my parents"from this family. After watching a 20/20 special featuring a teenage girl named Jessica who wanted an"open adoption". I was truly appalled. Out of the five families she "interviewed" only one couple realized that this was ridiculous. This girl wanted to have the fun, happy time, with none of the responsibilities. If that was the case what's to stop other from pulling what I consider a stunt.Heck what a sweet deal, maybe all parents could do this.Here's the deal, you bring him up, you stay up with him when he's sick, you do homework, you pay for braces, but forever they are haunted by this girl and her families constant interference. Her parents were perfectly capable of helping her take care of this baby, so why didn't they.It was as one father said she want no responsibilities, wants us to foot the bills, but wants almost total involvement.Sorry that would have caused major confusion for this child. It does not cause a sense of abandonment for the child. I NEVER felt abandoned. Obviously my parents did a fabulous job, without some 17 year old calling the shots, right down to naming the baby.For instance suppose she doesn't like the method of discipline used as he grows up.They have to consult with her??? How about people reaching out to older children. Everyone wants a cute little baby, do older children count. I adopted my girls when the were teenagers. I also fostered teenagers and older children cause no one wanted them. There are so many children that need families but everyone want the snuggly baby.Yes I was blessed with two biological children, but I love my adopted ones the same. Most people think one of my adoptive daughters is the spitting image of me, and we always laugh, because people never get it right.Think very carefully about an open adoption.I personally think it does a lot more harm than good.Even though the families said they were great with it, the adoptive parents didn't really look to happy with it, but they were desperate. Thank God if the adoptive parents need to or want to cut off some of the visits in there state they can. I felt like this was horrible reality show.Wait for the terrible teens when kids really act out, I can see it already, running back and forth, playing two sides against the middle.Bad, Bad Idea. A few pictures on occasion, but no input as far as everything else goes.That's nuts. Think very, very, carefully. I would love to see an HONEST follow up on this 4 year old saga.There is going to be resentment.Remember children over 4 need loving families too.

[Nicole28]

I'm an adoptee in a closed adoption also. But I wouldn't consider myself an expert - or even claim to be mildly knowledgeable - about open adoption.

It seems as though you're very angry. You refer to your biological family as "wacko." What are the circumstances surrounding your contact with them? Who contacted who?

Personally, I am thankful that my adoption was a private and closed adoption. I agree with you to some degree in regards to the confusion that would arise as a result of having to build & maintain a relationship with biological AND adoptive parents. I find it almost offensive to suggest that the biological mother in the "20/20" episode wanted to have a "fun, happy time" with "none of the responsibilities." Can you imagine relinquishing a child for adoption? I can't. To assume what kind of intentions this woman had is mildly offensive, you know? I did not see this particular episode of "20/20," but I am sure that there is more to the story.

It was as one father said she want no responsibilities, wants us to foot the bills, but wants almost total involvement.

If this is one of the prospective adoptive father's who met with Jessica, he seems as though he has no idea what open adoption entails if he is surprised that Jessica wants "almost total involvement." To my knowledge, in many OA's, the adoptive family shares not only pictures and letters with the biological mother, but they often have visits & contact throughout the child's life. In many circumstances, the adoptive couple agrees to pay for the biological mother's medical expenses right up until the child is born and relinquished. That right there is the very definition of OA - - so if this guy is surprised about Jessica's request to be involved in this child's life, he better go back and do more thorough research on OA vs. closed adoption.

Here's the thing: IF you choose OA over closed adoption, you go in [or, at least you should] with the understanding that biological mother will potentially want contact with your family. I am positive that there are adoptive families who regret this decision in hindsight because they may feel as though the biological mother or her family are "interfering," as you phrased it. Legally, though, the biological mother has the option of contacting the family & the child, and vice versa, and there are legal documents to prove this...so, to come back months or years later and complain about an "interfering birthmom" seems ignorant and trite to me. I just don't get it. There has to be more to this story.

You never felt abandoned - - that's a blessing for you. I have an incredible family, and I am thankful that I have had such amazing and loving parents. But you know what? Sometimes, a little part of me feels abandoned by my biological mother...and I'm not the only adoptee in a closed adoption who feels this way. I feel happy for you that you never had to experience this.

I am COMPLETELY for open and accessible records in every state in the U.S. and, at the same rate, I am mindful of the privacy and respect that biological mother's deserve. You "thank god" for the right in certain states to terminate the openness of an adoption. I think that is a shame. In certain situations where, for instance, a biological mother poses a threat to the family or the adopted child, YES, provide a restraining order or something to that effect. But to be able to simply cut off all contact because the adoptive family no longer feels like participating in an open adoption?? It's hypocritical, irresponsible, and unfair. I am a huge advocate for the rights of adopted persons, but I am also keenly aware of the side of the biological mother.

I truly wonder if there will be resentment on the part of this young adopted child. There may be, and there may not be. OA is, to my knowledge, is a choice that more and more adoptive families are seeking out - there must be a reason for this, and my guess is that many OA's work and function and foster well-developed, well-adjusted adopted children. Something to think about!

I, too, think that more focus needs to be placed on adopting the older child. It takes an amazing and special person to adopt an older child! I just don't think it makes them superior to an adoptive family who is matched with an infant.

Think very carefully about an open adoption.I personally think it does a lot more harm than good.Even though the families said they were great with it, the adoptive parents didn't really look to happy with it, but they were desperate.

Let's face it - the media shows us what we want to see. Or it skews reality to make for a better, juicier story. No one truly knows how this specific adoption story will turn out. We saw snippets of interview with this adoptive family. To call them "desperate" is, in my opinion, a poor choice of words. They, like millions of other couples who choose to adopt, wanted a child. Is it possible that, for them, their OA really IS great??

I guess I am just confused as to your position on this subject - were you angry because this young woman seemed irresponsible and you felt as though she made a mockery out of adoption? Are you advocating for older-child adoption? I appreciate your opinions & agree with some of what you have to share but your post seems like there is anger and frustration behind it, and I just wonder where it comes from.

[JustPeachy]

I think OA can be a wonderful thing for those who wish to pursue it in good faith, and knowing up front, the challenges that it brings, and having the maturity to work through those challenges. To deliberately set up an OA just to create problems after the fact for the aparents or the child is definitely not right, but I don't believe most bmoms go into it with these types of motives in mind. It can also work the other way, where the aparents promise openness, and later close it, thus devastating the bmom.

OA was not an option for me when I placed. It started to become an option a few years after. I remember feeling sad about it, at first, that it wasn't an option, but after giving it more thought, I came to the conclusion that it was better I did not have OA, for some of the reasons you bring up. I know myself fairly well and I would have wanted to co-parent my child. It would bother me, I think, to see the aparents raising him, and create too much tension in me, that would then put my son in the middle. In a lot of ways, I like to have control, to be the leader. I don't think, at that time, I would have had the emotional maturity to step back and keep my mouth shut! I also had issues going on in my biological family that I did not want my son exposed to.

Every OA can not be painted with the same brush, though. Things can go terribly wrong in any type of scenario, whether it be open, semi, or closed, and of course, the media are going to pick the most sensational stories. It's really impossible to say which is best because it all depends on the people involved and what they can handle. I hope my son is fine with our semi-open arrangement, but who knows? Maybe he longed for more openness or maybe he wouldn't have minded if it was closed. I won't know until I meet him and can ask him that question.

[belleinblue1978]

Wow, it must be nice to be an expert when you haven't lived an open adoption.

I grew up in a closed adoption and I felt abandoned, I'm glad you don't, but some of us do. My family rocks, I love my mom and dad to death and my brothers are pretty cool too, even when they irritate me. I still feel abandoned sometimes though.

When I placed my son for adoption, I chose open adoption for him. I'm not coparenting, I see him four times a year and talk to him on the phone once a month. Trust me, it hurts like heck to watch him call another woman mom, I hate it when they discipline him in ways that I wouldn't use and I have to keep my mouth shut. I don't really even like his mom in retrospect, but that is who I chose, so I try my hardest to get alone with her for my son's sake. It isn't co-parenting and it isn't always fun for me, trust me. I'd a million times rather be the one paying his bills, kissing his booboos, and staying up nights with him.

What you saw on that show, was a farce. It was for the cameras and isn't a realistic picture of what open adoption is for most people.

BTW, as a first mom I have no legal standing. My son's parents can choose to disappear and I have no legal recourse. The ball is all in their court, believe me, first moms have NO power in an open adoption.

[bajj]

Please remember NOT ALL ADOPTIONS ARE THE SAME. Please do not generalize and say it's crazy to have an open adoption.

I think maybe you could educate yourself a bit more OA as the parents who are raising the child "calls the shots" not the birthfamily. Most Birthfamilies I have met are not wacko, but are just people, just like you, just like me. They are just people.

Please be respectful of others when you post.

Belle, I thank you for this:

When I placed my son for adoption, I chose open adoption for him. I'm not coparenting, I see him four times a year and talk to him on the phone once a month. Trust me, it hurts like heck to watch him call another woman mom, I hate it when they discipline him in ways that I wouldn't use and I have to keep my mouth shut. I don't really even like his mom in retrospect, but that is who I chose, so I try my hardest to get alone with her for my son's sake. It isn't co-parenting and it isn't always fun for me, trust me. I'd a million times rather be the one paying his bills, kissing his booboos, and staying up nights with him.

[bajj]

Your whole post was very well written. I particularly like this part.

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Every OA can not be painted with the same brush, though. Things can go terribly wrong in any type of scenario, whether it be open, semi, or closed, and of course, the media are going to pick the most sensational stories. It's really impossible to say which is best because it all depends on the people involved and what they can handle.

[crick]

Glama - I think as with any show that portrays adoption, the way they edit to make it "entertaining" for viewers leaves a lot to be desired in actually portraying the truths.

I remember the show with Jessica and I did think that she had a very different view of what OA is for many. However...as the mom making the decision, she had a right to try and achieve what she wanted and felt was best for her child. If there was a couple out there that agreed with her wishes and felt it was a good match for them, then that's their decision.

I might not choose a full OA for myself, but it does work for many and it's a very personal decision. Like others before me have said, be careful of painting such broad strokes, because not every situation is as you paint it.

Not everyone wants the snuggly babe (I adopted older children myself), not every aparent is so desperate that they'll agree to anything just to have a child (hence the couple that backed out because it wasn't right for them), most bmoms who voluntarily place will NOT come back and "kidnap" or "intefere", and there's just many more comments said that I think you have got incorrect.

I think you are looking at it from the foster care angle perhaps? I wouldn't suggest OA for most of the children being adopted from the foster care system. But for a domestic placement where a mom makes a plan for her baby, that's not the same. I'm honored to know many first moms here and am friends with several. I wish my kids' first mom was even remotely as wonderful and awesome as they are.

[Nicole28]

Peachy - I always appreciate your posts!! I really find your situation so interesting, as I am in a closed adoption and cannot even imagine seeing my biological mother four times a year...it blows my mind, but I am so thrilled that it works for you guys. I hope it continues to be a good thing.

I found the "20/20" episode on the Internet last night...completely edited for entertainment purposes, you can tell. That's a little frustrating. However, I do think that the biological mother - Jessica - had an unrealistic idea of what an OA would be like, but eventually she found an adoptive family who wanted to work with her. Different strokes for different folks!

[hrisme]

I think your experience is valid, and don't want to discount your feelings and your opinion, but I do agree with the previous poster that stated generalization is never a good idea, especially when navigating the uncharted waters of adoption.

I am also an adoptee from a closed adoption. It is wonderful that you have had no abandonment issues, and that you had such a positive experience. I am sincerely glad for you! But I DID have abandonment issues, and major ones, despite having wonderful, loving adoptive parents. Now that I have the entire truth about my birth family's background (both birthparents have schizophrenia) I don't think a completely open adoption would have been right for my situation. But I do think if I had the full truth, I would have been able to deal with my abandonment and trust issues better.

I've also worked with many, many individuals of all sides of the triads who have an open adoption. Most of them have challenges, but most of them also feel that open adoption was best for them.

Even in one situation where the birthparents had major issues (including alcoholism & domestic violence) & the teenager was struggling to figure out how to maintain relationships with both families, there was no doubt in my mind that this girl needed that contact at that time in her life. And this was a situation where the children were adopted through DCFS, and had been removed from the home because of abuse.

I do agree that having a situation where the birthparent is trying to control how the adoptive parents raise the child COULD be harmful and confusing for the child. Most open adoptions are not co-parenting. In fact the only co-parenting situation I have ever seen was where the adoptive parents actually had guardianship, not a legal adoption. And in this case they did eventually end up legally adopting the children, and have now moved into a more traditional open adoption with bi-annual visits for one of the children. The other child has chosen not to participate in the visits & was not forced to. It's interesting that you mention discipline, as this is one issue that came up in this situation (the adoptive mother believed in spanking, the birthmother did not), but they worked it out.

I didn't see the show, and have no desire to. I have yet to see an adoption-related movie that I feel gives an honest viewpoint of adoption. I don't trust the media's portrayal of anything! Call me paranoid (or realistic, one of the two!)

[lahdh4]

As a Firstmom in an Open Adoption I really dislike how you potrayed me.
I saw that 20/20 episode and she is the minority of First/Birth mothers out there. I am no expert as there are no such things but I have my knowledge and know that everyone is not the same. What I hear is anger, dripping anger on your end.

"Thank God if the adoptive parents need to or want to cut off some of the visits in there state they can. I felt like this was horrible reality show.Wait for the terrible teens when kids really act out, I can see it already, running back and forth, playing two sides against the middle.Bad, Bad Idea."

Here is the thing. If there is respect on all sides especially between the first/birth parents and the parents then there will be no "playing the sides against each other". And to agree to an open adoption just to close it, shows lack of honesty and then the pap's should have spoken up before and not lied to get what they want. If they are not comfortable with it then don't agree with it.

[EZ2Luv]

As an adoptee from the closed era, I can also say that I am grateful that my adoption was closed. However, I could NEVER suggest that to anyone because every situation is different. When I was about 18 yrs or so my Amom asked me if I ever wanted to know my Bmom and I honestly said no. My fear was I would be so confused as to where my loyalty would be and I did not want top share my self with anyone else but my Amom, the only mother I ever knew and wanted.
It wasn't until I was in my l;ate 40s that a medical situation forced me to search and after I found Bfamily I was even more grateful that I was adopted.
That was only my experience with closed adoption. There are so many other adoptees with different outlooks than mine. They grew up always missing something, not fitting in, feeling rejected, ect, for them OA would have worked to their benefit.
A few years back prior to my search, I might have written a post similar to yours because I was unaware of how many adoptees are not as fortuante as myself and have many issues surrounding their adoption. Some are searching for years to find that missing peice of their life to feel complete. I cannot even imagine how that must feel.
Today I can honestly say that I feel OA is a great option. There are different degrees of OA (semi,ect) not all are like the one you saw on TV(I didn't see it) so I really cannot say,but it sounds like it is not typical of OA.
Just because your closed adoption worked out well does not mean that all adoptees have been blessed that way.
I learned very quickly that things in the world of adoption are not all black or white, there are various shades of gray in between.

EZ

[belleinblue1978]

Thanks Bajj. I just speak the truth. I'm no matyr, but I have learned that putting aside my own feelings is part of being the mother that I am. I always tell people who say, oh so you think you would have been a bad mom? Nope, I think I would have made a darn fine mom, just not with the man I was with with and not in the situation I was in and I did the thing any good mother does and put my child before myself.

That is what any adoption should be for all the adults involved of course. I get annoyed when people suggest that open adoption is about the firstmom getting her cake and eating it too. I got gypped if that is what it is about, b/c I don't like my cake too much.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I get annoyed when people suggest that open adoption is about the firstmom getting her cake and eating it too.

I am right here with you. It is a lot of emotional work.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I am not a wacko. I don't call any shots. And I put in a lot of work. I'm sorry that your experience was negative but please don't dismiss or diminish the work that we are doing in our situation. Open adoption isn't for everyone, that's for darn sure, but it can and does work.

[RainStorm]

I don’t think all open adoptions can base on this one scenario. Though it just goes to show that in some cases open adoption can be good/positive , and in other cases closed is the better option. From the show you saw this young woman seems to want her cake and eat it too.