[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Mothertoo3

How long must us Adoptee's have to wait for the Birthparents to work out there emotions? Why are we expected to suffer the reminance of there emotions from so long ago?

I think the real issue here is your birthmom needing to separate her emotions from how she treats you. Having a difficult time sorting through the fluvia of adoption does not give her permission to treat you badly. There is a certain amount of respectful interchange that needs to be present in any relationship for it to exist. You don't need to be on the short end of her process. It sounds to me like she has stepped ver the line one too many times. Distance might be the only thing that helps her.

[Mothertoo3]

Thank you all for your perspective. I believe as some of you mentioned, each adoption, each grieving process is different and each person is different. We all have our own feelings which belong to us, we should be able to feel these feelings at our own pace. I totally agree with this.

However this is NOT where my confusion and frustration comes into play. Some of you have pinpointed why I am so upset:

she very well may have not taken any proactive steps in her own emotional recovery. And that's going to take time...I know that sucks, but it's reality.

Yes, this is the difference between J and I. She has had 37+ years to work through her emotional recovery. I do understand that possibly she felt she may never be reunited with me again, she explained this to me at one point in the beginning, however she firmly believed we would meet together again in Heaven. I do not feel that suppressing your emotions and leaving others out of your journey is healthy for anyone. It leads to many doubts and assumptions.

Bromanchick summed it up very well

I think the real issue here is your birthmom needing to separate her emotions from how she treats you. Having a difficult time sorting through the fluvia of adoption does not give her permission to treat you badly. There is a certain amount of respectful interchange that needs to be present in any relationship for it to exist. You don't need to be on the short end of her process. It sounds to me like she has stepped ver the line one too many times. Distance might be the only thing that helps her.
Today 06:27 AM

THIS IS EXACTLY how I feel. Why does her issues of sorting out her emotions necessarily have to affect me? Honestly, speaking for myself and not all the adoptee's out there, this type of non interaction leads to a feeling of rejection again. I feel somewhat like, "what did I do wrong again" that she had to abandon me a second time?

I also believe that there should be a respect on both ends and an interchange that needs to be present for any relationship for it to exist, otherwise it is ONE SIDED. J has made me feel like the short end and she has stepped over the line too many times that it is harder and harder for me to forgive her. I do believe or pray that hopefully her feelings are not intentional towards me that she just needs to work things out on her own, but it is extremely hard for someone like me not to internalize the situation.

There was a point in time, when tryinig to get to know my sisters that J would go crying to them about how I was mistreating her (still cannot figuare out how I did this) but she would discuss our relationship with them, NOW this has put a strain on my relationship with me and my sisters because they have told me that they cannot have a relationship with me until their Mom is comfortable with having a relationship with me, even though they really want one. How am I supposed to deal with this? I again have to suffer at J's expense because she is unable to deal with this by herself or with a professional.

I am honestly just lost and confused......anyway I turn something else goes wrong. If I let it go....which I always do, I will not hear from her for years or months on end. I again feel like I have to suffer through those years and months because I don't know what she is thinking or feeling.

Lastly, Ravensong, I do apologize-

think it's helpful not to make sweeping generalizations about all birthmothers or all reunions.

I misspoke and I should direct my questions not so generally, I am the biggest believer in people being individuals and that everyone has a right to his or her own feelings. I do not judge (at least try not too) and I apologize for making it seems like it was all birthmothers or all adoptee's. This is not what I meant.

Thank you all again for listening. Is there any other adoptee's out there like me that can relate to what I am saying?

Take care,
Ali

[JustPeachy]

I'm only in the very beginning stages of reconnecting with my son, and not even directly yet, and the possibility of reuniting has already brought forth tremendous emotions, some of which are amazingly conflicting. I don't know how anybody can go through the reunion process without counseling of some sort, as by its very nature, it is so intense and complex. Have you or your birthmom/siblings considered receiving counseling or attending any groups for those in the reunion process?

Also, even though your bmom has had 37+ years to work through recovery, that doesn't mean she has ever been ready or able to. I don't think it is something that one can put a timetable on with regard to another. It will all depend on an individual's emotional development, ability to recognize and label feelings, coping skills, physical and mental health, heck, a whole host of things. Dealing with the loss of a child could very well have kept her stuck in grief mode and unable to do any recovery work for all these years. And if you have expectations of her that she simply cannot fulfill, I don't see that as intentionally treating you badly. She just can't give you what it is you want at this time. It stinks, for sure, and is very frustrating, but there is not a lot you can do about it and therein lies the rub.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Mothertoo3

Yes, this is the difference between J and I. She has had 37+ years to work through her emotional recovery. I do understand that possibly she felt she may never be reunited with me again, she explained this to me at one point in the beginning, however she firmly believed we would meet together again in Heaven. I do not feel that suppressing your emotions and leaving others out of your journey is healthy for anyone. It leads to many doubts and assumptions.

Ali, I can see how you would think that since your birthmother has "had 37+ years to work through her emotional recovery," then why hasn't she? What I think you may be missing here is that she most likely was not in much of a position to start healing back in those years. How could she have been? Those of us who relinquished back in those days (my son is one year younger than you) were not usually offered any type of counseling whatsoever. It's still difficult in today's world to find a therapist or counselor who has any idea at all on how to deal with birthmom issues.

As unwed mothers in a judgmental and punishing society, we were told to give our babies to two-parent families, otherwise they'd be taunted with hurtful names out on the playground. We were told that if we really, truly loved our babies, we'd surrender them to adoption. As soon as the relinquishment papers were signed, most of us were told to forget our children, to get on with our lives, to never talk about them. If we did talk about missing them, we were told we were selfish...that something was wrong with us if we couldn't forget them.

We were expected to bury our feelings, to deny our emotions and grief. I was actually told that there was something wrong with me for still feeling any love at all for my son...that there was something dreadfully wrong with me for not being able to forget him. If I dared to bring up the subject, I was told by some people that "I had made my bed, now I had to lie in it". So I basically was condemned if I did try to work thru my own grief and condemned if I didn't.

One suggestion I have for you is to read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. If it's not available at your public library, you can pick it up for a few bucks at Amazon. The author does a fantastic job at describing what many birthmothers experienced during the "closed era" of adoptions. She explains a lot of what happened in terms of how society dealt with unwed mothers back then. The historical aspect is fascinating, at least it was for me. It was a different time, to be sure. I think the book might open your eyes a bit as to what inner demons your bmom is carrying inside her.

[SoniaRose]

Dear Ali,
This is my first time posting. I am a 54 year old adoptee who recently found out the identities of my birth parents (both died many years ago). I have two half-siblings with whom I am trying to gain acceptance.
I would like to present a different perspective.

I understand many of your feelings of frustration and anger, but I fear that when you vent to your birthmom, it probably appears to her that you are attacking or criticizing her. The natural response to criticism for most people is defensiveness. She most likely cannot deal with your emotions so she backs off.

I think it was wonderful of her to ask to meet with you and a third party. She is obviously afraid of your anger and possible confrontational approach. I think you should respond to her in a new letter, saying that you really do love her and would like to work things out. Then be very sweet, loving, and forgiving when you do meet. I don't know what has gone on in previous years, but you need to put it all behind you if you want a relationship with your mom. It depends on what you want and how much you are willing for forgive/overlook.

I understand your feelings of hurt and rejection because I have been there myself. Although it's healthy for your soul to release your feelings through writing, I don't think it's a good idea to send such a letter to your mom. I always try to think of the expression that we catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Appreciate the fact that your mom is still alive and actually is agreeable to communication. Try to love and understand her, and maybe she'll be more responsive. She surely needs to feel the acceptance from you as well. Maybe she just isn't ready at this point; just let her know that you will always be available if/when she needs you. Good luck.

[Nicole28]

Not to be mean.....but being an adoptee, speaking for Adoptee's out there, I truly do not understand how us adoptee's can hurt the birthparents. I suppose if I was not willing to have a relationship with my "Mother" that I agree would be hurtful, however, seeing as I had put an effort in trying to make this work, waiting months upon months to years of trying to start a connnection, I have slowly started to accept her (Jennifer) not wanting to be a part of this. How long must us Adoptee's have to wait for the Birthparents to work out there emotions? Why are we expected to suffer the reminance of there emotions from so long ago?

I'm an adoptee, too. I am not quite clear on how an adoptee could hurt their biological mother - but I know that many biological mother's have experienced rejection from their relinquished children, and, in addition, their relinquished child often directs much of their anger towards the bio-mom.

Personally, if I were to be in contact with my biological mother, I would initially treat it as a business-like affair. That is to say that I would never go running to her yelling "Mommy!" and have these ridiculous expectations of a mother-daughter relationship [yes, I know that this is an extreme example of how an adoptee might react]. I would be honest about I felt and what I wanted out of our contact. And you know what? If my biological mother was wishy-washy about connecting with me, or if she treated me in a way that hurt or disrespected me, I wouldn't put up with it. You are not obligated to cater to her back-and-forth emotions, nor should she expect you to do everything on HER terms and schedule. Reunion, I would hope, is a process of give and take, right?

You need to consider your own best interests. If you're ready to let go, then do it. You need to feel good about yourself and where you are in your life. It's about you now and continuing to be an emotionally healthy & happy person.

[bprice215]

yes Nicole you're absolutely right this is more of a contingency and should be treated as such for this is more about you and what you want than it is about your bmom and her wants. I agree 100 per cent.
Thanks for putting that into words for me.
bprice215

[pwheatle]

Why do you feel your bmom 'abandoned' you at birth as opposed to having made a choice for both herself and you that she felt was in the best interests of you both?

[agathaj]

I think from what you have written is that when you reunited with your bmother she expected you to want to walk back into her life and be fully embraced by bsiblings and herself. But you didn't. Instead you had your own agenda for the reunion AND she had hers. Unfortunately these agenda are/were POLES apart so both sides got hurt and she has pulled back - probably because she just doesn't understand why you wanted things to be so different. She has no idea of what it is like to be an adoptee. I am not saying either side is wrong just that perhaps after all these years it's time to find a middle ground? Having said that if you meet and agree on some things ie email contact every two weeks or f2f every six months or whatever and she lets you down without a good reason then it's time to walk away or accept that it's just a xmas card/birthday card relationship. It is sad. Good luck to you.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by agathaj

I think from what you have written is that when you reunited with your bmother she expected you to want to walk back into her life and be fully embraced by bsiblings and herself. But you didn't. Instead you had your own agenda for the reunion AND she had hers.

Forgive me if I am wrong, Ali, but it seems to me from what you wrote below that your expectations of the reunion were a direct result of what was offered to you by your birthmom when you first met her.

Was it too hard because you already have a family? I was told from the very beginning that you ALL were searching for me and would accept me. Why did you lie to me, why did you open up your hearts to me to turn your back on me 5 years later?

If this is the case, it is not a matter of "different agendas", rather you were proceding based on what she told you.

[agathaj]

Brenda, this is the post from mothertoo3 where I was coming from in my last post:

"Along the way it has changed greatly. J has only wanted a relationship with me if I called her Mom or if I let her think of me as her daughter. She at first just thought, she would meet me and instantly I would become part of her loving family (her family is very loving, moreso than any other family I have ever met) Once she realized that I was not ready for that right away and that I needed to get to know her, she backed off. I believe she imagined things going so differently when we first met and me not living up to these expectations she had of me has put a strain on any type of relationship we could have had. I explained I needed to get to know her, start a relationship with her and get to understand her better. I could not become the daughter she wanted me to be right away, she said she understood this, but her actions speak clearly differently."

Please do not think that I am being critical of Mothertoo3s actions because I think she has every right to specify how she wants the reunion to progress. BUT she also has to accept that bmother may not want what she wants. That is just how relationships work. I think bmother was hurt by her desire to slow things down and bmother backed off. I think we all say things ie we understand, when we really don't and actions do speak louder than words. Perhaps bmother just can't do the reunion any other way than her way? If she can't cope with it being different, if she can't make compromises and try to understand where her bdaughter is coming from then that's not bad that's just where she is at. I think the meeting with a third party - preferably an adoption counsellor would be a great start to find a middle ground and move forward.
My bdaughter wants nothing to do with her bsibs, she will not ring me nor wants to see me...Her decisions have hurt. I will not deny this and as result I have pulled back and I have since learnt that she was hurt by my pullback. But I thought that was what she wanted...go figure? I feel like I am floundering in the dark looking for the light switch so that I can see the best way forward. I do what I think is loving and caring only to find out that its overpowering or unwanted and then I back off because I think she wants space and I'm bad for doing that too...In my next life I will come back as a mind reader.

[Nicole28]

My bdaughter wants nothing to do with her bsibs, she will not ring me nor wants to see me...Her decisions have hurt. I will not deny this and as result I have pulled back and I have since learnt that she was hurt by my pullback. But I thought that was what she wanted...go figure? I feel like I am floundering in the dark looking for the light switch so that I can see the best way forward. I do what I think is loving and caring only to find out that its overpowering or unwanted and then I back off because I think she wants space and I'm bad for doing that too...In my next life I will come back as a mind reader.

agathaj - I am not in reunion, but I imagine that reunion is like what you've described: sometimes both parties want contact, sometimes one doesn't, sometimes neither do, then one person changes their mind, etc. I picture reunion -realistically - being a back-and-forth rollercoaster ride! I just think that there needs to be a constant, ongoing conversation during which both parties assess the needs of the other person & where they both share what they want. This way neither has to "flounder in the dark" in an attempt to figure out exactly what the other wants!! I know this is probably easier said than done...but I think it is the only logical way to have a functioning "relationship" [on whatever level] after reunion.

I may be selfish in saying this, but I think that - in the event of a closed adoption - when a biological mother reunites with the adoptee, that the biological mother needs to take cues as to what to do/say/expect from the adoptee - that is to say that I would personally want reunion on my terms. I claim to be potentially selfish here because I feel a little demanding in suggesting this - but, to be quite honest, I had no choice when I was relinquished...and I'd want reunion on my own terms, at my own pace, because it would be my opportunity to finally have a say in my adoption. I'd obviously be respectful of my biological mother & be sensitive to her needs, too, but I'd be very, very clear about what I wanted, what I expected, and what I hoped for in the very first conversations upon reunion.

Maybe I got OT here...but...oh well. I feel strongly about how I'd react in the event of contact!

[agathaj]

Nicole28, I think that's fine if you want control and will say how you want things to proceed. I just hope that you don't get upset when your bmother RESPECTS your requests and decisions regarding the reunion. That's where I feel hurt because I got told that bdaughter didn't want this, didn't want that, cancelled visits, cut them short, rah, rah, rah so I give her control and tell her to contact me when she's ready - she gets upset about this...she feels I am abandoning her again. I throw my hands up in the air and walk away. Now I couldn't phone her if I tried as even the thought of it makes my hands shake. So I think it's fine that the adoptee has control but respect goes both ways.

[kune]

Nicole
Speaking from a bmom's perspective, I'd have loved my son to be in charge - If he had known and vocalised what he wanted from me and of me - had clear boundaries and knew the pace he wished the reunion to take. That would be like having a plan and working through it.

However, IMHO neither party in reunion has enough common sense or courage to set it out like that. Pity!!! It would save so many hurt moments, impatient episodes and nervous twitches.

Ann