[mom2_3]

I am posting because my (adopted) husband was recently reunited with his bmother and it has been a wonderful experience! I've been married for 13 years to this man who never initially wanted to find his bmother (I now know this was out of fear of being rejected) but was lucky enough to find her on a mutual website of bparents and bchildren looking to meet. He has also since found his bfather (which has gone great as well), but the bond/attraction doesn't seem quite as strong.

The initial reunion was about 18 months ago and they have spent numerous hours on the phone visiting and in person getting to know each other. His bmother is an amazing woman, now married (not to his bfather) with 2 children of her own. They have also seen a counselor together a few times to help them deal with all the emotions that come along with a reunion (even the best of reunions can be confusing at times).

I've done my best to be as supportive as possible and welcomed his bmom into our family (we also have 3 kids of our own). I've read a few books on adoption and the effects is has on an adoptee, both in life, and during a reunion (Birth Bond, The Family of Adoption, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew), but am still looking for some perspective on our situation.

My husband has been somewhat consumed by his new relationship with his bmother. The counselor even touched on the fact that there would be a period of intense attraction and a need to be together. She even said that in some cases, emotions can get confused and the relationship can include feelings of attraction for one another (although I don't believe that has happened here). This all makes perfect sense to me and I don't have a problem with it directly, but I am wondering when he will fall out of this intense phase and embark on a more normal (or is there such a thing) relationship with his bmom. I've read and heard that it usually lasts between 1-2 years before things start to settle down again.

Anyway, I fully understand that my husband will change some in this new discovery process about himself and where he comes from. I'm really excited for him to finally feel like he is connected to someone biologically besides our children and to explore his new bond with his bfamily (aunts, uncles, grandparents, brothers, sisters, etc.). I'm just a little nervous that in his growth, he will change into someone who I no longer recognize in our own relationship. He has definitely become more distant with me and has admitted that he sometimes feels like his bmom is his girlfriend (without all the yucky love stuff). They talk on the phone 1-3x/day and see each other at least every 3 weeks. I wouldn't be so concerned, but they still want a lot of alone time, and my kids don't understand why grandma and daddy don't want to play with them too. I would just like to feel like his birthmom reunited with us as a family, and I'm hopeful it will get there in time.

I could use some perspective from other bmom's or adoptee's so I can stop imagining the worst, and try to give them both some space during this emotional process. I really do love my husband with all my heart and want to do whatever I can to help him and his bmother heal from the pain they've both endured in the past. I just don't want to feel like the outsider in my own marriage. I'm not saying I'm jealous, but it is hard sometimes to watch my husband get so close to another woman (even if it is his bmom).

Any suggestions on how my marriage can handle this or come out even better off for it? I just want to do everything I can to support them both while still surviving myself.

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee who can relate to what your husband feels/does. I, too, was consumed with everything and every body from my bfamily for quite a while... I think it was the historic impossibility of a reunion that made it SO unbelievable and "awe inspiring" when it happened. It does calm down...but it took about a year and a half for me. My husband was wonderful...telling me what made him comfortable or uncomfortable during this time... I would recommend you continuing to communicate to your husband.. letting him know how YOU are feeling about things.. hopefully he'll begin to sort it all out.. and things will become more balanced. Good luck...sal

[DebsW]

I am an adoptee in reunion for 2 years now. I do believe there is a major high and some lows (that's what life is I guess).

I adore my bmom, bdad and other family members. Much of it has consumed my personal time. There is a euphoria with it that is difficult to explaine, for me anyway. At this point I believe we are leveling off, and feeling more calm about everything, at lease I am. I am seeing flaws where I was unable to see them before, nothing terrible but we all have them and it's ok to realize that the wonderful people in my family are not perfect. When that happens I found I am able to be more relaxed. I don't feel badly if I don't talk on the phone every day (we usually did three time a week).

I spent time with a counselor to manage all of my emotions during my reunion and even now I still see her. One thing she and I talked about was the fact that the "reunion" is about the birth child and birth parents. My husband was so helpful, he just held me when I had my mini breakdowns when the emotions were so very raw and I just had to get them out.

I think your husband is in a honeymoon stage in his reunion. I would be willing to bet that once things start feeling "normal" for them that the dynamics will change and the cirlce will open up for all of you.

It really does take a long time. I am sure your husband is feeling every emotion there is, it is exhausting at times and honestly, when you are at that point sometimes you just run out of steam.

Don't worry, you sound like you are so supportive for him and that is the best thing in the world and I am sure your kids feel left out too, just give it time and maybe you could see the counselor with him at some point and let him know how you are feeling.

Take care

DSW

[rainmon]

yes I agree that you need to have a nice long talk about now....its been 18 months for heaven sakes, and you are still feeling left out as well as your 3 children.
His b-mother is also a new Grandmother too and there is no reason... Imo, that they cannot include you all now too, as you are "all" a family now and it seems you have had a lot of patience to let them have their alone time and talking 3 times a day.. etc....etc..
but not at the expense of your marriage...not at the expense of your family life with everyone still being left out.. I don't know, I just think its about time for that heart to heart talk to let him know how lonely your life has become without him, how distant your marriage has felt and thats a long time for you all to continue to be left out of the reunion. you've been more then patient. Imo its time for them to wake up and look around and remember those other important people that include his family.

[kathy79]

I'm a bmom that's been a good reunion for about 9 months now. My bson is 28 and at the first f2f I noticed that he made made sure his wife and son felt like they were included in everything.

My bson and I don't get any alone time during our visits to just talk and get to know each other. So our alone time is through emails, phone calls in IM's. I cherish this time that we have to talk but I also take the extra time to keep my rkids and husband informed and included. I'm sure my family feels a little jealous too. Heck I'm jealous that everyone else gets my bson's time but me!!

I would like to have my bson all to myself all the time!! We don't live close to each other but we are coming up on our 6th f2f in 9 months. I'm sure alot of people would think that is overdoing it.

Yes ,at first our reunion did consume both of our lives but it is starting to become more normal now. My bson and I both felt a immediate bond with each other. No one really understands that bond unless it's happening to you.


I would talk to your husband if it is bothering you. You and your kids need to feel like their included in this new family.