[Ladybird11]

I have spent a few hours reading through all the wonderful postings in this forum and wanted to participate. I am an adopted female now living overseas having immigrated from my country of birth. When I was 18 my bmother made contacted and my Mum and I wrote a letter to her thanking her so much for what she had done and that I was happy and content. I am now 35 and I have received another letter asking if I would accept correspondence which is being held for me. I am having a great deal of difficulty deciding what to do.

I don't want to hurt my bmother's feelings and reject the letter. This seems mean.

I don't want to hurt my Mum's feelings as it will seem like I need something from my bmother which she could not provide, this is not the case.

If I do reply it is only out of feelings of obligation and a desire not to offend the woman who gave me life when there were other options available to her. I do not need a relationship with my bmother.

I really don't know what to do now. She lives half way across the world and it is difficult to know what her expectations are.

I feel like something I can't see is tugging at me and the normal rules don't apply. I don't know that this situation is healthy for either of us.

Any comments would be most valued.

[jrainbow]

I'm an adoptee who had a wonderful Mom and Dad, who loved me very much and treated me as their own unconditionally also. I don't need another mom and dad. I'm in a little different place in that my aparents have passed on but my sister found her bmom before they died.

I only wanted to tell my bmom that I was safe and loved and that I'd had a good life, that I was so grateful for the life she had given me, and that she had done the right thing. That is until I was found. During this past year, knowing my bparents, I have been able to say what I needed to say, know the circumstances, and know current medical information for myself and my children. I have also discovered that getting to know them has filled holes in me that I didn't even know I had, answered personal questions that I didn't even know to ask, and given me peace about the person that I am. I am a product of both nuture and nature and now I know it.

None of this has changed who Mom and Dad are and the love I have for them. My bparents have a different place in my life. I saw a thread here that said that bparents gave up the right to parent but they did not give up the truth that they gave birth to a child. You have to do what is right for you and what feels right. Be honest with yourself and honest with all those involved with this. You might also read about reunion to see what others have experienced. One book is the Reunion Handbook.

Good luck with whatever your choice is.
Jill

[Jackiejdajda]

I bet she just wants to know a little about you.. she has proven that she will be receptive to your wishes..

Jackie

[rainmon]

someone wrote here on these forums once , that if a mother can have many children and love them equally or in different ways...there is no reason why you should not be able to have your own special relationship with your birthmom without it disrupting the love and relationship with the mom you grew up with in anyway. and there is definitely no reason to "not " to get to know your b-mom just because you don't want to hurt the other. if your mom truly loves and respects you she will not try to influence or discourage you, but would want you to be happy in every way, and not make you feel guilty about it.
and even if it is long distance it may be nice to have a nice writing relationship with her for a while and see where it goes. exchange pictures, find out if you have sisters or brothers, Grandparents, and any medical info, etc...why deny yourself this. this is YOUR life, and YOUR family history.

[Ladybird11]

Thank you for the time you took to reply to my concern. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.

I can see how learning about where you came from and even what your bmum looks like would be exciting and I am a little curious. I struggle with the thought of contact with bparents for me is like a constant niggling reminder that my mother did not have me and I can see it in her eyes that it is a reminder of perhaps what she would see as an inadequacy.

I can see that maybe my hesitation is driven by my mother's sadness at the thought of the "presence" of my bmum. If my Mum said "Yea, go ahead, send her a letter on a regular basis etc" and she was all cool then I would be more keen on the idea. Even if Mum was cool it is still my opinion that contact causes a disruption. You feel that someone "owns" a small part of you somewhere else and that you are not wholly and solely positioned in your family.

I thank you for your input and as you said I have to reflect and work out what I am most comfortable with.

Thanks again.
Best wishes

M

[Oceans]

I'm an adoptee who had a wonderful Mom and Dad, who loved me very much and treated me as their own unconditionally also. I don't need another mom and dad. I'm in a little different place in that my aparents have passed on but my sister found her bmom before they died.

I only wanted to tell my bmom that I was safe and loved and that I'd had a good life, that I was so grateful for the life she had given me, and that she had done the right thing. That is until I was found. During this past year, knowing my bparents, I have been able to say what I needed to say, know the circumstances, and know current medical information for myself and my children. I have also discovered that getting to know them has filled holes in me that I didn't even know I had, answered personal questions that I didn't even know to ask, and given me peace about the person that I am. I am a product of both nuture and nature and now I know it.

None of this has changed who Mom and Dad are and the love I have for them. My bparents have a different place in my life. I saw a thread here that said that bparents gave up the right to parent but they did not give up the truth that they gave birth to a child. You have to do what is right for you and what feels right. Be honest with yourself and honest with all those involved with this. You might also read about reunion to see what others have experienced. One book is the Reunion Handbook.

Good luck with whatever your choice is.
Jill

Jill I have to say - This is EXACTLY what I am hoping for with my son...I so hope he has never known the "hole" many adopted people do. I also hope he will give he and myself they chance to get to know each other. Your post gave me hope that can happen Thanks!