[dddd]

I have a few questions on relationships between families, as what relation my adoptive (by relatives) is to others, sorry if it gets confusing, the whole situation is kind of a mess due to my bio parents . I don't want to use names here, I'll use initials. I was one of fraternal twins according to hospital records, even though I have a hunch we're identical. I'm (D), my twin is (M). We were separated shortly after birth, (early-mid 1950's). I was taken in by my biological father's (F) mother (A) and her second husband (E) at 2 years of age, after being in foster homes, and officially adopted a couple years later. My adoptive parents (A and E) also had another son (B), who is almost two years older than me. My brother thru adoption (B) and my bio father (F) are half brothers. My bio father (F) was born to my adoptive mother (A) with her first husband (don't know his name), and her second son (B) with her second husband (E). Both my adoptive parents, as well as my bio parents are all deceased.

My twin (M) was adopted by a couple (C and G) (also now both deceased) who were not relatives. C and G also adopted L and J, who are not any bio relation to me and M. However L and J are actually biological real brother and sister.

M's and my bio parents (F and Y) split up after they had us, and remarried. F with his second wife gave me and M 3 half sisters and a half brother, which for the most part are "out of the picture" on all accounts involved, and Y and her second and third husbands gave M and me two half sisters, T and N. T passed away, and I see N often.

My situation is that I wasn't supposed to know I was adopted, but I was told when I was a teen. I known my bio father (F) all that time as my "big brother", as he of course was my adoptive mother's (A) son. (again A is also my grandmother). I did not get to meet my bio mom until a couple years after I was told. At that time I also got to meet T and N. No one (allegedly) knew about the whereabouts of my twin, M. However I think my adoptive mom (A) knew, and kept it secret to her death.

When I was younger, I started traveling, living out of state, keeping very loose contact, if any, with most parties aforementioned, except for my twin M, which I knew nothing about. About 20 years ago, I decided to come back to my hometown area, and do a search. I finally did find him, and at first he was "stand-offish", but the last couple of years, we have grown closer. Not as if we grown up together, but decent, and I'd say the re-union process turned out pretty much a success.

Now I need to know what kind of relationships can we all call each other, what's accepted as the norm? Since M is my brother, L and J were also introduced to me as my brother and sister when I got to meet them, and I do see them frequently, especially L. He thinks of me as his brother. J thinks of me as her brother. I have a good friend who keeps "reminding" me that's not my brother and sister and wonders why I refer to them as such. If they want to be my siblings, fine, I'll accept that. Is there a "term" for these kind of "relatives"? I know it's not "step-". I could have been part of that family as I found out from J, her adoptive parents (C and G) wanted to get me too, however my adoptive parents (A and E) were hoping to get M. So I could have been raised by C and G. I really think C and G were friends of friends of A and E, but I'll never know for sure now.

Also, what relation would my twin M be to my brother-thru-adoption B? B would biologically be an uncle to M as well. What about L and J? I always knew B as my brother and that's the way I want that to stay. I used to have a kind of "riddle" I used to tell people, something like "my brother is also my uncle, and his brother is also my dad, so does that make my dad my uncle, and my brother who's my uncle also my dad, cuz they're both brothers?" Something like that. I know that can't be, but it was an amusing little riddle to tell in the pub. I did that just for fun, not to hurt anyone's feelings.

What would my sister N be to my adoptive brother B? Anything? Since I'm a brother to both of them. I have to try avoid situations where I would have them meet, don't think it would be cool. So far so good, as my adoptive family blamed my bio mother for everything, and of course N is from "that side". But then that would be expected as my bio father (F) was their (A, and B) blood. You see I have to be careful not to hurt anyone's feelings as I have to watch what I say around one party involving the other, namely my adoptive family vs my bio mother's side. I feel I'm unfairly in the middle due to circumstances I had no control whatsoever in. B did not like me seeing my bio mother's side and has in the past reminded me (several times) "remember who raised you". But I DO have siblings there who wanted to see me, T and N. To see T, I would have to go to my bio mother's as that's where T lived. N tells me to be careful seeing B. It's like I'm like a kid in the middle after a divorce.

Thanks for reading this and all your help.

D

[Dickons]

Wow - it is too confusing. They are all your family in some form or another and as such just state their familial connection without the explanations, a brother is a brother etc. The hard part is your dad/brother as I can see it, use the closest relationship to you genetically, dad.

Everyone will always have an opinion, sometimes the less info is best if it really is not their business or does not pertain to the situation at hand. If pressed just say it gets too confusing and does it really matter.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[dddd]

Thanks for the reply, Dickons, I know my situation is confusing, guess I'm doing OK with it though.