[CarrieAnn1976]

I am wondering if anyone has any advice on contacting a birth sibling whom I am pretty sure has no idea I exist. There are so many things to think about and consequences to consider... First of all, I found birthmom about nine years ago and she was NOT happy about it... my very supportive amom called and left a message, and one of birthmom's 8 siblings (and the only one who knew about me) called back. They briefly exchanged facts and confirmed that she was indeed bmom. She agreed to answer any questions if I wrote her a letter, however, she was not too pleased. She just couldn't get over how on earth she could be found... like she never thought a thing like that could POSSIBLY happen! At the time I asked about siblings and bf, however she ignored those questions, telling me she would contact bf possibly, but didn't feel comfortable giving out his info. Needless to say I have never heard from her after that and I felt okay with that. However over the last nine years, my core afamily has kind of fallen to pieces and I have often felt a need to find a connection with someone on a family level. I did one of those free people finder things using bmother's name and came up with a daughter, who is 27 (5 years younger than me) and lives out of state away from birthmom. She is an only child. Well, thinking that many, if not most people I know under 30 have myspace, I looked her up, and low and behold a picture and everything. My question is, after all that blah blah blahing... where do I go from here? I have asked friends and family and they all have various answers. I don't want to totally redefine who she is, no longer an only child; I also don't want to demolish her relationship with birthmom all because I am feeling a little lost right now... I know that in contacting her, I would be making sure that I never had a relationship with birthmom, but after 9 years of no contact... I guess that is not a big issue.
Part of me wants to contact birthmom and give her a warning, "Hey, I am doing this... but giving you a heads up if you want to talk to sis first". I am torn. But at the same time if birthmom is really dead set on any contact with me, she may take the opportunity to poison BSis's mind against me... now I may just be being dramatic.
Also, if I do contact BS, what to say... I really don't want to just drop her a note on MYSPACE... although the thought has crossed my mind to do that, not fully disclosing my reasons for contact!
Anyway, ANY AND ALL feedback would be GREATLY appreciated!

[MrsHoot]

my 2 cents: irf you're going to contact her via myspace don't hide who you are - this could backfire big time! Just be honest with her if you're going that route...but what a nice way to be able to see pictures and get to know her a bit - the internet is wonderful isn't it!

Otherwise, I personally would send her a letter. Just make it brief, tell her you'd like the chance to get to know her and give her your contact info. If you want to "be sure" she gets it send it via registered mail.

Best of luck!!!!

[CarrieAnn1976]

Thank you! I will probably just drop her an email honestly... however I worry so much about disrupting her relationship with her mom.. that would be the last thing I would want to do. I guess I will just take my chances. Thanks again!

[txrnr]

This is one of those areas that I waffle on. As adoptees, we didn't have any say in who we had a relationship with initially. I do think we have the right to that info, and to make contact with who we wish (respectfully, of course).

As you mentioned though, she also has a life, and some rights. Even if it was deceitful for your bmom to keep you a secret, it wasn't her fault, and to just lay a bombshell on her when you know little about her life, and her current situation seems not quite fair either.

Any chance you can reach out to that aunt who knew about you and see if she can help?

I never envy this scenario because there doesn't seem to be a clear cut right or wrong. Good luck with your decision!!

[RavenSong]

I agree with the above poster who advised getting ahold of the aunt you spoke with 9 years ago, if possible. You might at least get a "feel" for what's happened with your birth family during the past 9 years. If she won't help you, you can always send the email....

[MrsHoot]

Originally Posted by CarrieAnn1976

Thank you! I will probably just drop her an email honestly... however I worry so much about disrupting her relationship with her mom.. that would be the last thing I would want to do. I guess I will just take my chances. Thanks again!

Reunion is a disruption of life - there is no way around that...but you can't spend a lot of time worrying about something that you can not control. And it likely would cause some friction between her and your mother – that’s between them.

I know you are concerned that by contacting your sister that your mother will be angry (which she may be) and that it will essentially ruin your chances or having a relationship with your Mother but, as you’ve said – it’s been 9 years so the chances of that happening on their own are already slim.

Your sister is 27, certainly an adult by all standards – she can decide who to have a relationship with and who not to. You won’t know if she wants to have a relationship with you unless you try.

If that little voice inside is telling you to warn your mother first, then I would honor that little voice...you need to do what you feel is right so warn her if you think you need to. You may also want to consider contacting the Aunt, she’s already aware of you and may be able to share some insight into mom and sisters current state of mind.

Best of luck to you on the journey ahead!

[Mommy24]

My advice would be to send birth mom a letter explaining that you wish to try and have a relationship with birth sister. Let her know that you want to give her the chance to talk to her daughter first but if she isn't willing to do that then you will contact her yourself. Doing it this way shows birth sister that you aren't trying to cause heartache in the family and that you did give birth mom the option of being honest with her daughter first before making contact on your own.

Best of luck!

[jenniferm.bailey]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

My advice would be to send birth mom a letter explaining that you wish to try and have a relationship with birth sister. Let her know that you want to give her the chance to talk to her daughter first but if she isn't willing to do that then you will contact her yourself. Doing it this way shows birth sister that you aren't trying to cause heartache in the family and that you did give birth mom the option of being honest with her daughter first before making contact on your own.

Best of luck!

I agree with Michelle's advice. I acutally found my half sibilings on facebook. Being that I tried ABSOLUTELY EVERY way possible to contact my bparents directly, but there were NO current numbers or addresses to be found. I searched tax records, etc...
On my bmother's side I was a total secret. My half sister has said she would like to get to know me, but it wasn't a good time for her right now.. She said she couldn't speak for her mother, but she would like to get to know me.. I have to learn to be ok with not ever getting to know her, and let go.
My bfather's side was a totally different scenario. The are thrilled that their family was found.
I will pray for you.. Your bmother's daughter is an adult, and absolutely capable of choosing her relationships.
I will keep you in my prayers that is goes as it should.
There is no way NOT to totally disrupt her life, so just be patient, and ready to wait.. Let her know you are willing to have whatever relationship she chooses to have with you, when she is ready..
Hope this helps. I am thinking of you
Jennifer

[alynp]

Thank you for this post. I am fascinated by the responses which are so thoughtful and yet so unlike my own reaction. I am almost a little fearful to share my opinion, so please know that I do it respectfully and humbly, my mind could be swayed to think otherwise...

My thought is that your sister is an adult. Contacting an adult in my mind is universally okay so long as it is done kindly and respectfully. Here is why I think so: You are not responsible for your bmom. You are not responsible for what she may or may not have told your sister. You are not responsible for your sisters reaction, or her relationship with her mother before or after.

What you are responsible for however, is to communicate honestly and kindly your intentions in a direct way to whomever it is you would like to contact. In order to do this you need to really reflect on who it is you are really hoping to know. In other words, getting to your bmom through your bsister for example, would be dishonest and not direct. (I am not at all saying that is what you are doing - just using that as an example)
Your responsiblity also is to act in a respectful manner. For example, contacting someone privately, not at their place of work. Basically, I feel that if you behave respectfully it is perfectly okay for you to contact anyone you wish, priving s/he is an adult, without asking permission, notifying, or warning anyone.

I really want to check in with you all on my thoughts here? Does anyone else feel this way? Am I missng soemthing that I should be taking into consideration? Please help me to understand different points of view.

Thanks! And I really hope you will let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out. I wish you much strength and patience through this process whatever you decide.

[nowwhat1981]

So, I found your story encouraging because I am going through a similar dilemma myself. I was adopted at birth and recently found my birthmother via an online search. However, she made it all-too-clear that she did not want to be found and only answered my questions because she assumed I put a lot of time and money into it and that it was the least she could do. She also has been very hesitant about giving me any information on my brother, who, as public record clearly proves, shares the same parents as me.

My birthmother decided that he is not ready to deal with this whole thing (which I think is a little unfair, given he is 24 and probably unaware of the whole situation) and kind of left it at that. So I am left wondering, if I do contact him, will it be perceived as me going behind her back? Can I, responsibly, do that to him? Is my desire to know him more important than his right to normalcy / his concept of who he is & his family history? If anything, we can update each other on this whole thing...always nice to have someone know what you're going through...especially with being adopted, as it seems to be one of those things that is hard to relate to unless you are actually going through it yourself.

I'm eager to hear how the situation with your bsister turns out. Best wishes.

[alynp]

Originally Posted by nowwhat1981

Can I, responsibly, do that to him? Is my desire to know him more important than his right to normalcy / his concept of who he is & his family history?

I certainly admire and appreciate your ethical approach to this situation. You sound like a very thoughtful person.

Here is a different way of thinking about it:
Is it responsible of her (bmom) to make a decision for an adult without his even being aware of it? She has denied him the privilege of a wonderful sister who wants to know who he is. Is that ethical?

Another thought:
Normalcy is what one decides is normal. In other words - normalcy is a figment of our imagination. Saying that he has a right to normalcy implies that a relationship or even knowledge of you is not normal. Is that really how you feel?

As for his concept of self and family history - If you were going to do something hurtful or mean to him I think that would make sense - that you could possible damage his sense of self - but that is the problem - what is hurtful and mean about meeting someone? Also, you wouldn't change his family history - it has already happened - you would bring awareness of his history into his life. Perhaps he has always known something was off with his parents but couldn't figure it out.

As adoptees if we want to be known - what makes anyone (a birth mother in your case) so sure that their other children wouldn't want to be known also?

Again - I'm totally open to hearing other opinions - and do not claim to have a hold on the perfect answers - just taking a little risk and putting some of my deepest thoughts down - would love to hear more about how other's think about this.

[bprice215]

Alynp said it best for me in all her response. I was going to respond but after reading Alynp post, why should I. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
bprice215

[jenniferm.bailey]

[quote=alynp] Also, you wouldn't change his family history - it has already happened - you would bring awareness of his history into his life. Perhaps he has always known something was off with his parents but couldn't figure it out.[quote]

Thank you Alynp for your points of view!! We are talking about grown adult bsiblings.. They certainly have the right to know, and choose with whom they have a relationship with.. It would be entirely different if we were talking about a young child, incapable of processing the situation.

In my own situation, I was a complete secret to my bsiblings on my bmother's side. My bsister has let me know she would like to get to know me, when it is a good time for her. Again, I completely respect her decision, and am patient and hopeful she chooses to proceed with getting to know me. I also respect her time with processing all of this.

On my b-father's side, I had 5 bsiblings that couldn't wait to get to know me. What an amazing feeling.

I am just so grateful to know their are similar situations out there with adoptees feeling similar un-explored, mixed emotions. Thank you to all that contribute..

Good luck, and please keep us updated with the progress!!

Jennifer

[Mommy24]

To me it is simply "Treat others as you wish to be treated". Respect goes a long way in life. So I don't see it as permission, notifying or warning, just simple respect.

[alynp]

Originally Posted by bprice215

Alynp said it best for me in all her response. I was going to respond but after reading Alynp post, why should I. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
bprice215

It feels great that you seem to like what I wrote but I also feel a little sad that it seems to have kept you from what you were wanting to say in response to the posting. I am sorry for that. I am still trying to understand the norms of this forum - I do not want to stifle anything anyone wants to say.

Your words are uniquely your own and very important because they come from your experience.

Mommy24:
Excellent point - respect is essential in any human interaction. Respect for oneself is also important. I am confused about how contacting an adult is disrespectful though - but maybe that is not what you are saying - I'm not sure what you meant. By the way though, when I was a classroom teacher the Gold Rule, which you wrote (treat others...) about was always a big part of my classroom management practice. I find it a great way to live my life - by treating people kindly.