[Mommy24]

Alynp, It isn't contacting the adult that is disrespectful to me. The OP stated that she wanted to make contact with a birth sibling who she is pretty sure doesn't know she exists so my advice was that she send another letter/email to her birth mom letting her know that she intends to make contact with this sibling thus giving birth mom the chance to tell her child about her placed child, to me this is the respectful thing to do, not only to birth mom but to the sibling.

For me, if my birth son contacted my children before I had told them, I would be hurt. Yes, maybe they should have already known about him, however, no one knows the circumstances around the reasons of them not knowing so a quick note to give her the chance to tell on her own is respectful, IMO. Now, if birth mom still chooses to stick her head in the sand, then by all means I believe the adoptee should go ahead and make contact.

[alynp]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

thus giving birth mom the chance to tell her child about her placed child

got it - thanks!

I interpreted some of the postings as grappling with whether to contact or not - maybe I miss understood.

I think giving bmom the chance to tell the sibling sounds fair in most cases - I guess it depends on the situation in my mind. If the bmom is not being very nice, refusing contact or not being honest about siblings, than I think I would not feel obligated to notify her. ('m not saying this is necessarily the case in the OP - I really don't know).

Also, I would call it notifying rather than warning or something like that - the language we use reflects and creates our reality.

Thanks for pointing that out - I was definately biased by my adpotee perspective and I appreciated giving it more thought because of what you wrote.

[sstuart]

I am a bmom and I think that if the children are adults that it is ok to contact them. You are not responsible for anyone else's behavior, just be respectful and I would send a letter, she could open her email anywhere, which could make it difficult for her.

I also disagree with the golden rule. As I have gotten older realized that the Platinum rule is the one to live by " Treat people not how you want to be treated, but how they want to be treated" Could be very different for every person.
Just MHO.

[nowwhat1981]

Okay ... so I think you all are right, that if I let my bmom know my intentions, give her time to process my request, and then follow through, that that would be the ethical, responsible thing to do. And I can do that, I have her contact information. However, I can't find my bbrother. I mean, I have his birth record data, both birth parents listed, same as mine, and know he exists and all. I just can't find him. What do I do? If I tell her my intentions and she is not supportive, it is not like she'll forward me his contact information?

Also, he has some medical issues. Apparently my bmom feels it is a lot to deal with without adding me to the mix. Personally, I don't liken knowing me to medical affliction, but I am sure that is not what she meant by it either. Should I wait, assuming she knows what his motives might be in such a situation? When is the right time to let someone know they have a sister they never heard of? Isn't waiting longer just going to make it harder? I know that was a lot of questions...please do not feel inclined to answer them all. If you can answer any of them you have outdone me. It just helps to put this out in the open, where others might look at it objectively, if that makes sense. Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement.

[alynp]

Originally Posted by sstuart

I also disagree with the golden rule. As I have gotten older realized that the Platinum rule is the one to live by " Treat people not how you want to be treated, but how they want to be treated" Could be very different for every person.
Just MHO.

Very thoughtful - thank you for that rewording. It expresses much more accurately my own interpretation of the "golden-rule."

[Baloo5232]

I contacted my half brother who never knew I existed and it went extremely well. It depends on the individual. Just come right out and say it. There is no easing into news like that. My brother was shocked, then after being convinced, he said he always wanted a brother. (3 sisters) I will be visiting them for the first time this June. I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

[dpen6]

I like the idea of contacting the aunt to let her know this is going to happen.

What jumped out at me though and what I reacted to the most is the fact that bmother thinks she has no responsbility to tell the bchild who the birth father is. I have seen this often and I just shake my head. People talk about respect...they are coming from the place of the people that created this person and not the person that was created. Birthmothers SHOULD NOT be able to hold on to information about the adopted adults biofather. It is disrespectful and controling. One of the tasks(for lack of a better word) for many adoptees is finding out about their biology....ALL OF IT...thats includes birthfather. Not necessarily for a realtionship but for the information that the birthfather holds about themselves(and their children).

[huddle75]

You have every right to meet your bsister, I have extremely enjoyed meeting mine! You didn't ask to be put in the situation you are in, your bmom put you there. It's about time she learned there are consequences to her actions. Be open and honest with your sister and let her take the lead, don't be overbearing. Good luck with your touchy situation! Sisters ARE awesome! I always wanted a baby sister and didn't even know I had one until 3 yrs ago when we met.