[yearsLater]

I'm so glad to have found this forum. I'd like to lay out my situation and have the great members here help me see their different perspectives and experiences as I prepare to make some important decisions.

My background includes:

• youngest of 4 children
• parents divorced when I was a baby, and I've never lived with my bdad
• mom remarried and step-dad adopted me
• bdad asked for and got custody of my 3 siblings, so I grew up like an only child with almost no contact with them or him
• step-dad abused me from 5 (or earlier) to 13, when he was arrested and sent to prison, where he remains
• at 14.5 I got pregnant by my boyfriend (though I didn't "believe" in pre-marrital sex)
• living with my min-wage earning mom in an apartment, and my boyfriend having an alcoholic dad, we decided to give her up for adoption
• I don't know the definition of open/closed adoption - I knew that the lawyer's brother was adopting her, so I had her last name, I knew what they named her, so I had her first name, and from the court papers, I saw the county she was adopted into
• I did write a letter for them to keep and give her someday, explaining the situation
• although I wanted many times to contact the lawyer and ask for a photo or a simple update, I never did
• 2 years later, having still not developed the tools I need to establish boundaries in a relationship, I got pregnant again by a different boyfriend
• this time, we decided to marry
• we are still married, 20 years later, and have 3 great kids - 19, 18, 16
• hubby has always been very judgmental (ironically), threatened, and unsupportive of the experiences from my past; so telling anyone about adopted child was always out of the question. In fact, I recall him complaining that she might "show up" one day and cause havoc in our family

With that background, I offer my current situation. I have always wondered how my little girl was doing, what she was like, did she know, etc. but I never pursued trying to contact her or her aparents. In recent years, I'd done some google searches on her name and the county name, but without luck. YESTERDAY, I did a search on her name on myspace and FOUND HER! At first I wasn't sure, though her age, location, and pics had me believing. Then, I read in her blog that she was adopted and from the state where we had lived! (For context, I'll point out that she also said she considers herself - adopted before birth, since it most accurately describes the amount of time she spent with her biological mother: none.) Also relevent to the discussion, she's 22 and in college. I was, of course, thrilled and excited to read every word and see her photos. But now I have so many questions, which are no longer theoretical "what ifs" since I could actually take action.

++ Should I make contact with her? her aparents? If so, how and when? I mean, from her point of view, would it be easier for her if I don't? Or do all adoptees wish for some sort of contact and the sooner the better?
++ What affect would it have on my 3 teens for me to tell them of their sibling now? Should I wait until they're older? They don't know about my childhood abuse or step-father in prison. We don't talk about it. Would they need that info for an accurate view of the situation? Would she?
++ I've only told one friend, who was close to me back during my pregnancy and after. I don't feel like I can tell my husband right now, and I don't know how it'd go if/when I share it with him. This, of course, makes me very sad. Not sure about telling my mom, either, since she and my husband don't get along well, and she hasn't exactly been much help to me for most of my life. I think about telling her only after my little family knows, whenever that is.

Insights? Perspectives? Things I haven't considered?

One thing, as I see this list, I'm sure I need to find a good therapist to discuss all this with, but I don't even know how to search for one. Last time I tried, it was difficult to find someone who specializes and takes insurance

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

[MrsHoot]

I don't have much time but just wanted to quickly say if it were me I would contact her NOW, via mySpace and keep it to yourself, at least for now - I didn't wait I told some right away and very sorry that I did, I should have waited until we had established a relationship or met f2f.

She is your child and any relationship you have is between the two of you. You can tell the rest when you've had to time to process some of the emotions that you'll likely go through.

Best of luck - I wish you much peace and joy in your journey!

C.

[Jackiejdajda]

Hello yearslater..

My goodness.. you are in a corner..

My thoughts when reading your post is you got time.. lots and lots of time to sort this..
The comment from your birthdaughter.. whew

(For context, I'll point out that she also said she considers herself - adopted before birth, since it most accurately describes the amount of time she spent with her biological mother: none.)

Is telling.. and you could hit a wall with this one.. twenty two is a very young age.. and there is so much more to sort..
I did not connect with my bson until he was in his mid thirties.. and even then we are distant..

It is what it is.. I think that is key here.. Your life her life.. lots and lots of degrees of separation.. IMO
Lots and lots of waters to navigate.. and I think therapy is a good thing.. A therapist is like a guide to me.. someone to listen to me.. and tell me which path to take.

I never looked for an adoption specialist therapist.. and the one I did see messed me up more that I was before.. (for a while) The woman (therapist) that really helped me was a student.. funny old world..
It’s a journey this.. it’s a journey to the self.. and we need guides..
Having a husband that will not see a part of your life is hard to deal with.. IMO again..
Sorting that is going to take time.. and telling your kids.. and then breaking down the wall of some resentments (perceived?) is going to take time.. and you got that time.. that’s the beauty of this.. you got the time..

Reunion is difficult.. Especially if everyone is somewhere else..
Maybe write a list of what you think needs to be done first..
IMO its about sorting this with your life partner.. standing up and saying no.. or you need to hear me.. because I want this or that..

Welcome to the forums..

Jackie

[hollyhunter]

Good job outlining your life with the facts. The rest of us can fill in the emotions that we know are there because we have been there are there still. All our journies are different too. We are all individuals so what works in some cases may not in others. There are a lot of guidlines that are constant so coming here, reading books and getting therapy does help. The child I gave up is young also, like your daughter. So many of us were introduced to our lost children on the computer. My only contact with her had been via internt and email. It has been a year and is very difficult even without all the possible resistances you speak of. Not only do you have your own pain to deal with but you have to always be aware of what your child is having to deal with. I agree that it is between you and your bdaughter and you two need to work out whether there will even be contact before informing others. I wish I hadn't told anyone until then.I agree a good therapist might help. They are just very hard to find. I had one in the beginning and after the third session she said we were done and escorted me out the back door. She was an adoption specialist but I think her primary focus was in talking pregnant women into adoption. I may have offended her at some point. I actually found a good internet therapist believe it or not, very reasonable too. I can refer you that if you like. You just can't imagine the emotions that will be blindsighting you from out of nowhere. Just when you think you are keeping you head above water , here comes another tidal wave.

[Jackiejdajda]

hollyhunter wrote

I had one in the beginning and after the third session she said we were done and escorted me out the back door. She was an adoption specialist but I think her primary focus was in talking pregnant women into adoption. I may have offended her at some point.

The adoption therapist specialist told me to write down what I wanted in my bsons adoptive parents.. We had not found.. or I had not found at that point.. and I thought the exercise silly.. in fact I hated doing it.. and that was basically the last session..

I went to (if I remember correctly) four therapists..
When I was emotionally drained from one group of sessions with one therapist I stopped for a while.. and then found another.. A journey

Jackie

[DebsW]

Dear Birthmom, I am late 30's, female adoptee in reunion for about two years now. I did the search for records and for the most part has turned out well for me with the exception of one bsister.

I would suggest a counselor. I went to counseling to get past Amom and Adad so that my reunion could be as healthy as possible. Of course, reunion has opened wounds I did not know were even there. I am thinking I am going to go back. Actually, I did go back for a couple of extra sessions mid way thru the reunion (so I would not loose my mind in the process).

Here would be my suggestions besides that. Take your to do list and pick the first item, contact her. Decide first if you want to do this, if yes then decide when and how. If you take on to many at once I think it becomes overwhelming and then depressing. Well, for me that's how it was. I was very, I mean very slow in my reunion. My Bmom let me set my pace and that was really very helpful.

I worry about the age of your daughter. However, I went to get records from the agency at age 18 and was treated very rudely. I decided to never go back, but would have loved to be "found". I only went back because I had gotten older and of course matured.

I think once you get past those first two questions it will be easier to decide the following ones, not easy, just easier.

One word of caution. If you spouse truly does not support you on this one, please be careful when it comes to how your birth daughter feels. It can be devastating to have someone in the process of reunion treat you with hostility when they don't even know you.

I would approach this from the viewpoint that this is between you and your daughter. Even though many people are affected in this process, it is about the two of you, the rest, if they love and support you will take care of themselves and be respectful.

Take care of yourself.

DebsW

[winter444]

I am an adoptee and agree with several of the previous posts. I would contact your daughter but very privately and keep it between the two of you, for now.
I am reunited with my nmom but her husband does not know about me, be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions, I was not prepared for them.
Your daughter too is still very young, I know I thought of searching at that age but I was so busy I put it off for years. Let her know you are there though.

[mariarippy]

I am an adoptee. I would contact your daughter only if you are ready...committed to stick by her... To be available as you have been with your children. I also feel it isn't fair to the siblings not to tell them. Figure out what you want, accept the consequences without incident.

[riarecht]

I reunited with my bmom about ten years ago, and based on my experience I would open the door for your bdaughter and see if she's wanting to reunite. I think though at her age she may or may not be emotionally able to handle such a big important deal, but I think you should open the door, and at the very least, either write another letter, or myspace blog, and allow her into your world and what was the situation. She may not know how much she actually wants to know, but given the open door, my guess is most adoptees would welcome the opportunity.
I commend you for stepping up, because all to often I hear of the adopted child looking for the parent, and after your difficult teen years, you are still strong enough to take this adventure.
I hope a reunion goes well for you and your adaughter.

Maria