[rubornn61]

I would like some feedback from actual adoptees. The last thing in this world I want to do is hurt my half sister, so please be honest in your responses. Many years ago I found out that I had another sister. She had contacted my mother somehow and we met at a mutual place. I was in my early twenties at the time. I arrived first and then our mother arrived. Becky (I think that is her name) had something for mom, mom got mad and stormed out. Shortly after that Becky left. I stood there froze. I didnt know what to think, but gullible me thought "hey since we know about her we will see her again" (Becky) Boy was I wrong. It was never to be mentioned again. Whatever went wrong was between Becky & mom but I guess I am paying for it because I would really like to get to know her. Over twenty years have passed and I have thought about her so often it is not funny. My mom would disown me if she even thought knew of my search. That's why I've only thought of her. It wasn't until about two years ago that I actually said I want to search. I lost 20 years of sharing with my sister because I didn't want to hurt my mom. Now that both of us are in our 40's I think that's plenty of time to live in failryland. My question to adoptees is "If you were Becky would you want me to try and find you?" If she doesn't want a relattionship that's fine, I am totally prepared for that (for the last two years I have been pondering that one trust me) so if a relationship is not what she wants that's okay, but I do want to know if she is alive and well. I am prepared for rejection. So do you feel this would be a proper thing and how would you feel? Please advise me as the last thing I want to do is hurt her. Thank you for your guidance.

Teresa

[txrnr]

Tough question. I'd want to know my sister, but if I was still harboring some anger over whatever happened at that meeting, then I may have some trust issues. It seems most adoptees reunions are closely tied with their relationship with bmom.

Maybe use an intermediary? That would give her time to think and make a rational decision.

Then again, she may have been sitting by the phone waiting for you!

[jrainbow]

Teresa,
I have no idea how I would feel if I were Becky but I do know that the things I regret the most are the things I didn't do and the things I didn't say because I was scared. Scared it wasn't my place, scared I wouldn't say the right thing, scared I shouldn't get involved, scared I would get hurt or hurt someone else.

I was reunited this summer because a woman loved my bmom enough to search for me. My bmom told her I was dead, that all the records were burned, there was no way to know. Coworkers and friends who she confided in told her to mind her own business and don't get involved. She did everything wrong - being a first time search angel - but, I believe, because she did it all out of love, it worked beautifully for both my bmom and me. I had registered and searched a little but nothing much. My bmom would never have searched. My bparents and I would have missed the most incredible experience in my life, if this woman had not acted because she was too scared.

So, if your reason is out of love, then go for it. It may or may not work out the way that you want, but if you don't try you will never know and you will always regret it. It is always hard when to go against your mom but, maybe she regrets too what happened 20 years ago, and possibly a second go round would bring a different result. Good luck on your search.

[Dickons]

I would be over the moon if my half sister or brothers searched for me.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Blessed2x.]

I like the idea of using an intermediary in this case to help you contact your sister. It probably can't hurt to try if your motivation is out of love Good luck!

[austin0i]

Teresa,

I would tell you to look for her.

I was 39 when I found my mom and while it is going well, my birth father wants nothing to do with me. I have a half brother through him and I am going to contact, because you cant not try.

Try Teresa. Approach her with reason, compassion and warmth. It doesn't have to be about your mother. It is about you and her. Sisters.

Just try it.

Kim

Originally Posted by rubornn61

I would like some feedback from actual adoptees. The last thing in this world I want to do is hurt my half sister, so please be honest in your responses. Many years ago I found out that I had another sister. She had contacted my mother somehow and we met at a mutual place. I was in my early twenties at the time. I arrived first and then our mother arrived. Becky (I think that is her name) had something for mom, mom got mad and stormed out. Shortly after that Becky left. I stood there froze. I didnt know what to think, but gullible me thought "hey since we know about her we will see her again" (Becky) Boy was I wrong. It was never to be mentioned again. Whatever went wrong was between Becky & mom but I guess I am paying for it because I would really like to get to know her. Over twenty years have passed and I have thought about her so often it is not funny. My mom would disown me if she even thought knew of my search. That's why I've only thought of her. It wasn't until about two years ago that I actually said I want to search. I lost 20 years of sharing with my sister because I didn't want to hurt my mom. Now that both of us are in our 40's I think that's plenty of time to live in failryland. My question to adoptees is "If you were Becky would you want me to try and find you?" If she doesn't want a relattionship that's fine, I am totally prepared for that (for the last two years I have been pondering that one trust me) so if a relationship is not what she wants that's okay, but I do want to know if she is alive and well. I am prepared for rejection. So do you feel this would be a proper thing and how would you feel? Please advise me as the last thing I want to do is hurt her. Thank you for your guidance.

Teresa

[rubornn61]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I really feel in my heart that searching for her is the right thing. Especially since I am doing it out of love. Ypu have no idea how that touched me when your responses included the word "love".
Now I've heard the term intermediary in some of the posts and also in my search...where do I find one and what do they do? I figure my sister has got to be in a 150 mile radius of me (Yes I check everyone out when I go to Wal-Mart) Once my husband & I stopped at a Lowes/HomeDepot/some store like that down by Muncie and I stood there checking everyone out. Anyways, where do I find one? this is all new to me.
Thanks again for your responces.

Teresa

[Blessed2x.]

Some agencies have their own intermediaries and some states have intermediaries that work in their post-adoption services. You might also have a trusted but objective third party act as a go-between. I'm sure other, more experienced searchers, might have some really good advice for you!! Good luck!

[jessicaj]

Honestly, tough call. I'm an adoptee, and I'm not even 5 years out from discovering a search inquiry from my bmother, which never should have been made. Your sister may welcome your contact, or she may refuse it. She may also accept contact, but not be available to build a relationship as she might have been 20 years ago; cordial might be all that's to be had; information exchanged.

I also favor the idea of intermediary contact, especially if she does not wish further contact; her life and her world is best kept intact that way. Intermediary contact would show your respect for her life and her space.

If she is open to further contact with you, please do not proceed unless you can commit and stand by and up for any relationship you form with her. If your mother or other disapproving family members discovered the relationship and put you in a hard spot, your sister should not suffer for it.

Your ages might be of great help, and you might find that you have much to share with and gain from one another. If you proceed, I hope that's the case.

20 years is a very long time, and the initial energy of a reunion probably comes along but once. Honesty, sincerity, and compassion won't hurt. Best of luck!

-J

[winter444]

I am an adoptee and I would absolutely look for your sister, without a doubt. Twenty years have passed, she may want a relationship with you and you both deserve it. Nobody should come in between that, nobody.
It's awful to go on with our lives wondering, wishing etc.
She is your sister, go for it, at least you will know.
Good luck!!!!

[CarrieAnn1976]

I would contact her... it would make no sense for her to harbor ill feelings towards you, for something that ranspired with your mother. Your post is reasuring to me, as I am an adoptee who has recently found a bsister, and am very hesitant to make contact. Good luck and I hope to read how your situation reslves.

[JPDakota]

I, too, am an adoptee. But honestly, I have no idea how I would feel if I were Becky. I can tell you that I have never had any interest in meeting any bfamily. But it seems like Becky did, at least she seemed to a long time ago. The again, maybe she told your Mom to go to....... and that was her whole point in meeting.
Sorry, I guess that wasn't any help at all.