[Mokeokuk]

I have 3 children. adaughter(17); bioson(15); adaughter (11). My youngest is ALWAYS unhappy. She makes nasty comments (usually only about me, her amom) If I stub my toe for instance, she may say, "ha ha". She doesn't like to be kidded with, it just makes her angry. Today when she cooked some french toast, with my husband's help, while she was eating, I asked her if it was good and she said yes. Then I said, "so you're a good cook, then huh?", she just rolled her eyes as if I was bothering her. this is typical daily behavior. I think she is angry about her adoption. She has expressed that she wants to meet her bmom, and I have helped her write a letter with lots of pictures. I talked to the agency, who knows where she can be located. They forwarded the letter to her, but we have never heard back. I don't think this has helped the issue at all.
Has anyone else experienced a child who is simply unhappy all the time, doesn't like it when you sing or feel happy, and tells you not to sing, etc. I find this behavior unsettling to say the least. Anyone?

[browneyes0707]

Sounds like me at 11, and I wasn't adopted. Especially the singing part

Hopefully it's just a phase, and she will grow out of it like I did.

(((HUGS)))

[TXTennis]

Ages 11-13 for me were tough and I wasn't thrilled with my parents then either.... and I'm not adopted. Maybe it's just an age thing.

[bromanchik]

I think it is an age thing. I would not take it personally. Try using humor. Sing louder and worse, tell her you will be happy for the both of you if she does not like it when you are happy. Let her know every time she says something nasty that she is doing this and you will do not like being treated this way. Then ignore the behavior. (be serious about that) Never give her anything if she cannot ask you for it in a decent manner. Reward appropriate behavior. Just a few things that have served me well.

[Dickons]

I think that you would benefit from reading The Primal Wound. It not only talks about this it also talks about what happens to your other children when one child is acting out. The only reason I am saying this is that you are here looking for answers, reading The Primal Wound will be very difficult, but may give you the insight to deal with this if, it is adoption related.

Kind regards,
Dickons

My sister was the adoptee who acted out and it affected me just like the book said.

[DebsW]

I was hideous from 11-13. My guess is she is angry about being adopted, angry about bmom not sending a reply and she is taking it out on you - the only mom she knows. I am adopted, I am now in my late 30's and I am still angry at aparents - although I grew up in a home with a lot of emotional abuse. I am not saying that is what is going on with your family but I was angry, and even if there was no emotional abuse I still would have been angry. I see it now, but not at that age. I had no outlet for it and no one knew what to do with me.

I would say, ignore the behavior and try to ride it out.
Good luck.

Debsw

[Empty_Nest]

Eleven year old girls are beasts. There's just no way around it. The hormones are starting to kick in and they're just not happy little people. It'll probably get better in about two years.

In the meantime, make sure you NEVER reward bad behavior, don't take it personally, and ignore as much of it as possible. Also, pick your battles. Don't bother arguing about the little stuff that doesn't really matter. Her adoptive status may be exacerbating the situation, but unfortunately a lot of it is normal for girls that age. If she's not into behavior that will hurt her or someone else, try to let it go. Cleaning up her room is a perfect example. Remind her, but don't push it. If she wants to live in a pigsty, let her.

We also negotiated contracts with our kids. If the rules are in writing and the kid has signed and agreed to it, then she can't say she didn't agree later, and it also clarifies consequences so she knows exactly in advance what will happen if she breaks a rule she agreed to abide by. She can't say she didn't hear or didn't understand or use any of the other 5.8 million lame excuses they come up with at that age. She has no one but herself to blame then, and trust me, that fact will make her madder than anything else.

Hang in there, and good luck. She's really going to test your patience. Just remember even when the remarks seem personal, they really aren't. She's busy trying to become her own person and sometimes that requires her to hurt the ones who care for her the most.