[amitola]

I need some help to get thru this crash..Just a quick update..reunited after 35yrs search..moved across country to be close to new family..2 bsisters..birthmom died a few months after I got here..I stopped communication with my sisters 4mos ago..broke my heart and yet I knew it had to be done..it was so toxic and abusive and I was so worn out by it all..It has been difficult.sad to lose the dream and let go..but thats all it was..i see now..it was a dream not reality..I have read Primal Wound and Coming home to self several times now and see myself so clearly..the not belonging..the not mattering..unable to be loved or feel worthy..This season of course brings it all to light once again..I have just sent my daughter off to enjoy early Xmas with the *family*..it is important that she maintain her own relationships with them..even if I dont..but..I am sitting here in tears..I know its part of the loss..part of grieving..part of letting go of the family i thought i never would have..and only thought i did for a short while..Why does it have to be so hard..Why cant I just laugh about it and let it go..I didnt have them for 50yrs..so whats the big deal? I am trying so hard to challenge all of those old beliefs and sometimes I doubt my thinking about stopping communication with these folks..and then I get out the old emails and am reminded of the anger and judgements that were spewed forth when all I wanted was time and love..I just feel so sad..my heart feels broken once more..I know it is impermanent.these feelings..but right now..right here..it hurts..It is ..what it is..

[Mommy24]

No words of advice but lots of ((((((hugs))))).
I hope you find the support you are looking for, hang in!

Best of luck

[kakuehl]

Please recognise that holidays like Christmas are the among the most emotionally difficult times of the year. You are indeed grieving all that you hoped and dreamed of finding and didn't. The tears are pretty normal I think.

As the bmom of a 35 year old son, my hearts aches for you. It is the delight of my life that he has allowed me to be part of his life today. I'm sorry you have not had that experience.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[bajj]

You are in my prayers.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by amitola

I need some help to get thru this crash..Just a quick update..reunited after 35yrs search..moved across country to be close to new family..2 bsisters..birthmom died a few months after I got here..I stopped communication with my sisters 4mos ago..broke my heart and yet I knew it had to be done..it was so toxic and abusive and I was so worn out by it all..It has been difficult.sad to lose the dream and let go..but thats all it was..i see now..it was a dream not reality..I have read Primal Wound and Coming home to self several times now and see myself so clearly..the not belonging..the not mattering..unable to be loved or feel worthy..This season of course brings it all to light once again..I have just sent my daughter off to enjoy early Xmas with the *family*..it is important that she maintain her own relationships with them..even if I dont..but..I am sitting here in tears..I know its part of the loss..part of grieving..part of letting go of the family i thought i never would have..and only thought i did for a short while..Why does it have to be so hard..Why cant I just laugh about it and let it go..I didnt have them for 50yrs..so whats the big deal? I am trying so hard to challenge all of those old beliefs and sometimes I doubt my thinking about stopping communication with these folks..and then I get out the old emails and am reminded of the anger and judgements that were spewed forth when all I wanted was time and love..I just feel so sad..my heart feels broken once more..I know it is impermanent.these feelings..but right now..right here..it hurts..It is ..what it is..

I wish you could have found all you desired. Try to remember only what was good, there must have been a few things. Try to let go of the rest.

Hugs

[amitola]

Thank you for your support..It has been a tough few days..many tears and such deep sorrow. I can see now that this pain that is connected to the end of communication with the bfamily is so much deeper and really an indicator of the many losses that have occured and never been grieved..so in a sense..it was meant to be this way in order to heal..your words of encouragement helped me thru the *crash*

[keepitfluffy]

I really hope 2008 is a lovely fresh start for you. I'm sorry to hear that your birthfamily have caused you so much hurt and pain. I admire you for allowing your daughter to continue to have a relationship with them.

[EZ2Luv]

Coming from a place where I was met with so much resistance and hate from my bsibs once I found them to be sibs(I was raised as a cousin bmom was amoms sister). The only bsis that bothered and acted as though she accepted me was only playing me for money to feed a heroin addiction. Let me extend cyber ((HUGS)) to you. It does hurt no doubt. Especially if it was your dream to finally feel a part of or sese of true belonging.
I wish I could offer some words of wisdom , but I don't even have this figured out myself. I guess my situation is somewhat different because I never had that dream of reunion and family. I was well adjusted and fine with afamily with no desire ever to search or know until a medical emergency forced me to have to search.

Again, many hugs to you and you will be in my prayers.

EZ

[neuromri]

Although I don't know you, I feel badly that you are so hurt. I can't even comprehend what you are going through. However, despite the turmoil in your life, you are making good decisions. You are not allowing your biolgical family to bring chaos and dysfunction into your life. This reflects your strength as a person.

As for this whole experience, it may not be what you expected. However, as time passess, everything will come into perspective. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. You'll bring greater meaning to this whole situation with time.

[amitola]

What a wonderful gift this site is..To know there are others that truly understand the complexity of these emotions..I never had dreams of family..the search was for closure only(right!).but..When I discovered bsibs I was thrilled. But after a difficult and intense year after my bmom died I realized things were not what they had seemed to be..the honeymoon was over..It was me that stopped the communication and I still struggle with that decision.I guess part of me is still attatched to the idea of having sisters. Do other folks find it so hard to feel like they belong anywhere? I know this experience is for a reason..I am learning many lessons but during the intense crashes really am so alone..and the mind goes to those deep dark so very sad places and one begins to question oneself..thats when you need the reality check of anothers support..I moved here to be close to this family..clean across the country..so dont know many other people..my focus has been on them alone for over 2 yrs..now its time to branch out, lighten up, and move forward..I wonder tho..do you think we ever get to the place of believing we matter..or belong..or are loved?