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Originally Posted By KARI

I know it may sound odd, but I believe in retrospect--the very fact that I was adopted comforted me subconsciencely growing up.

My adoption took place when I was an infant. My A-mom was 19, my dad was 24. She was not ready to have children in my opinion- and was told due to female complications, she would never have her own. After she adopted me, she had 3 children of her own- all boys. They were here "miracle children", she told this to everyone. They could do no wrong. To make matters worse, I couldn't have been more different. I looked different, acted different, had different interests- all of which I was teased and ridiculed for by my brothers, and mocked by my mother. My dad sat passively by while my mother beat me, spat on me, screamed and belittled me. The older I became, the more I felt she hated me. She was outwardly jealous of my talents- and resented the fact that I looked nothing like her. I was afraid of her. To make matters worse, my dad was sexually abusive. I felt I was alone in the world. I usually spent my time with friends, or behind my bedroom door reading or drawing. I avoided my family at all costs. I was also "ungrateful".

True, they had problems, but I learned to look at them through the eyes of an adult--and quit feeling victimized through the eyes of a child. I took a look at their parents, and saw the pattern that lead them to who and where they were. I realized they were sick and hurting. I knew at that point in my life that the way I was treated wasn't my fault- but something *they had to recover from. Something I obviously couldn't, nor was I meant to understand as a child.

My comfort became the very fact that I was adopted. I felt protected. I envisioned my B-parents as smart and successful, and that I had the same potential. Sometimes I would imagine that I was on an "adventure". I also thought to myself, "someday, I'm going to show them I'm somebody". I grew stronger and stronger. In my heart, I felt because I wasn't blood related- that I had every chance to grow up and become a healthy adult. That I wasn't destined to be like them. I was bull-headed. I moved out at 17, and then *really learned lifes lessons.

I became pregnant at 24 out of wed-lock. I remember one night my mom telling me "why don't you just get rid of it, like *your mother did". I went through my pregnancy alone-- and tried to hold my head up. It wasn't until I finally had my daughter that my mom began to talk to me like she could relate to me. It was something we finally had in common- the birth of a child. It was then that she began to slowly learn about me. She began to feel uselful to me and found that I was a wonderful mother--I was a *woman like her, capable of something truley awesome. It was as if she opened her eyes for the first time.

My mom and dad are quiet about the past. Yes, my family keeps secrets. But, I know by the way they're living their lives today, they are truley remorseful. They are making up for the past in their actions. Although I feel our relationship is somewhat superficial at times, I feel vindicated.

I'm now 32,a good person, and a good parent. Statistically, I shouldn't be a productive part of society- but... I am! Yes, that perfect bond would have been wonderful. But, I didn't have it- and that isn't going to change. I believe that out these kinds painful experiences, we gain something special- an incredible compassion and understanding for those who are hurting, lost, or feel alone. When we reach out to others, we heal ourselves.

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Kari, I was touched by your story. It saddens me and scares me. As a birthmother I would hate to learn that my child was abused in any sort of way. Good luck in all that you do.

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Originally Posted By Cami

Kari,
You are a very strong and smart woman. Your story touched me too. Do you ever think about searching for your b/parents...or are you content.
Cami