[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

I want so badly to be out on my own but I know I can't do that. If I did my a-parents would have to file for bankruptcy and they would have to lose everything they have. I'm the only one that works in the house and they're using my money to pay the bills. I just don't know how much longer this will last.

What is the reason they are not working? If they are not physically disabled, it is time for them to grow up, get a job and support themselves.

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

I can't live my life in their shadow afraid to come into the sunlight and make my own path.

Sounds like you are making your way despite the restrictions they are placing on you. ust think of what you could do without their interference.

[Jackiejdajda]

I just wish my a-mom was more loving and supportive!

I know with out a doubt.. that I am never going to get it right with my kids.. never.

Bromanchik posted a very important question..

What is the reason they are not working?

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Sweetpea,
How are you doing?

When I found D, his amom tried to be very supportive, but both D and I could tell she was having a lot of difficulty with the reunion (and D was 32). Over the past 2 years I think she has become much more comfortable with my presence in D's life. I've made it as clear as I can that I don't see myself taking over her place in D's life. I know that D's has kept his parents apprised of what's happening with us. I had a long talk with D's amom today - she and D's adad have been watching the older children while D & J are at the hospital with baby A.

I guess what I'm saying is that you may need simply to give the relationship and your mom time to kbecome more comfortable.

[sweetpea012607]

Sorry it's been so long since my last reply. My net went down. The reasone my a-mom thinks she isn't nice is because she told me that there would be drinking at my b-sister's wedding and that they couldn't and wouldn't change it. Where as my sister said she would change it if she could but her fiancee's parents are doing the catering. I swear I'm doing my wedding one day MY way.

I really think I'm starting to make my way with or without my a-parents or b-parents. Which isn't a bad thing. I love them all but I need to find who I am and do my own thing in my own time.

Both of my a-parents are disabled and stopped drawing disability the day I turned 18. So there's not much I can do to change things.

I'm trying to give everything time but with Christmas so close and this being my first Christmas with my b-family I just want everything to work. I mean why can't our first Christmas be great??

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

Sorry it's been so long since my last reply. My net went down. The reasone my a-mom thinks she isn't nice is because she told me that there would be drinking at my b-sister's wedding and that they couldn't and wouldn't change it.

I know lots of Baptists who don't drink who still go to weddings where there is drinking. I do not understand how this is being mean or treating you badly. You might want to point out that Jesus himself changed water into wine at a wedding feast when the wine ran out. Does she rewally think that it is Christian to boycott a wedding of a loved one because there is going to be alcohol? I don't think Jesus would agree.

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

Both of my a-parents are disabled and stopped drawing disability the day I turned 18. So there's not much I can do to change things.

Are you in the US? It sounds as if they were receiving TANF funds, that is aid to families with dependant children. Their disability payments should not have anything to do with your becoming independant. I would get a good Social Security lawyer. I hate to say this, but your parents need to be in a place where they can live off their disability payments. Do they expect you to support them for the rest of their lives?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds to me as if it is your a-parents that are the real ones taking advantage of you here.

[sweetpea012607]

It's not that she boycotts it, it's just that I can't be around alcohol.

Yes we live in the U.S. and I'm not quite sure what they expect. They can't even afford their medicine, much less a lawyer.

I guess I've just gotten used to everything. I don't know what to think anymore.

[Jackiejdajda]

Take care of you.. one day at a time..

Stay in the moment and don't think about tomorrow.. or yesterday..

Its what gets me through..

Jackie

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

Yes we live in the U.S. and I'm not quite sure what they expect. They can't even afford their medicine, much less a lawyer.

There are lawyers that deal specifically in getting Social security benefits for the permanently disabled. Their fee is taken out of benefits once they are granted. Also, they would then get Medicare. Right now it sounds as if they are eligible for Medicaid.

If you want pm me ad I can help you through the beurocracy.

[sweetpea012607]

In a way I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of them. I mean after all they adopted me and took care of me while they could. I just want everything to be alright. I keep praying and hoping everything will work out. You know?

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

In a way I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of them. I mean after all they adopted me and took care of me while they could. I just want everything to be alright. I keep praying and hoping everything will work out. You know?

The main job of parents is to help their children become independant adults. Sometimes the best thing we can do to take care of others is help them learn how to take care of themselves. No one wants to be dependant on others. I think, given the option, your parents would want to be in a position to take care of themselves as much as they can.

[wonderingkatie84]

Sweetpea,

I read your original post and most of the replies and I know exactly how you feel-financially trapped and like your a-parents' love is conditional, in other words completely controlled on any level that you want independence right now. I'm in Louisiana, so when I turned 18 (I'm 23 now) I registered with the adoption-match registry thing we have here which caused a lot of the same problems with my a-parents that you're experiencing even though there's the possibility that my birthparents may never register and I may never meet them (clearly I haven't been matched to date), and like you I got most resistance from my a-mom. Admittedly, I'm stubborn as a mule and in a hot-headed fit I finally told her that I was 18, an adult, and had every right to do it if I wanted and if she didn't like it, well tough s*&t. I feel like it's taken me a long time, but now that I'm getting closer and closer to graduating from college I've finally realized that if my a-parents love is conditional the way I feel it very well may be, then a) they're probably using it to manipulate me and b) I don't need it. Unfortunately, I think that a lot of adoptees have to develop self-reliance and autonomy more abruptly than should be natural. We have an awakening one day that while we may have a lot of support from our a-families, the ties there don't seem as strong as they did when we were little. I found that stepping away from everything, closing my eyes and taking the time to figure out what the absolute ideal situation for me is helps me to make decisions and helps me to be firm but diplomatic with my a-parents, and maybe someday I'll use the same techniques with my birthparents. In the meantime, you are in a very big transitional period, so if I were you I'd try to talk to a counselor at your school or a minister that you trust since you indicated you're Baptist. Even if you don't follow their advice, just talking to an objective party with counseling experience can be a very freeing and beneficial experience. Hope all this helps and sorry for being so long winded!

-Katie

[rainmon]

the checks your aparents were getting for you should be totally seperate from the ones to support them and their disabilities.... Hmmmmm?
are they just stashing those other checks and just telling "you " that "you" are their only support ???
if so this does not sound like they are being honest & fair with you..... OR are they just so naive to think they would only get money while you were under 18 ???
there "IS" support for them too. you need to find out what they are entitled to so, you can get out from this huge responsibility that they have unfairly placed on you. please check into this as soon as posible.

[sweetpea012607]

The one thing that I want to do more than anything is move out. I know my mom says that isn't an option untill I graduate and get married. But right now I feel like that would give me a break and the time I need to get all of my thoughts worked out. You know? I just don't know how to talk to mom about it. I want her to understand me.

Thank you Katie for what you said, I know now that I'm not alone in the world and that I do have someone to lean on when I need it. I'm actually going to email my pastor today and I sincerely hope he can give me advice.

My parents were getting separate checks from mine, but like I said all of that stopped when I turned 18. I don't think it's that they're hiding it from me, I just think that if they are getting anything, and it would be very little at that, that they are spending it on bills. We have medical bills out the rear end. I'm on a regular medication that I get for free through the health department, but my mom and dad have their own health issues. My mom is on about 5 different medications for her disability, and they cost in total about $75 a month. Dad however is on about 15 different medications for his disability and diabetes. His costs nearly $150 a month. Neither of them can work. So no money is coming in.
I'm not quite sure wehre I would go to find information on what they can get, not to mention that they're stubborn and hard-headed.

[RavenSong]

Hi, SweetPea...

If your parents are disabled to the point that they are unable to work, then they should definitely apply for Social Security Disability benefits (SSDI). They can call the phone number listed under the Government section (blue pages) of their local phonebook. They can also apply for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) if their SSDI benefits are under a certain level. They can obtain information and eligibility requirements for these programs by visiting the Social Security Administration's website at Social Security Online.

[rainmon]

Sweetpea, it looks like Bromanchic has offered to help guide you through some of this, if you pm her.
your aparents meds should not come out of their food or rent money.... there must be some program out there to help with their medicine.