[Mommy24]

WOW sweet~ How do you go to college and work to support a household at the age of 18? I thought I read somewhere that you had a husband, what must he think of all this?

[Jackiejdajda]

sweetpea012607 wrote

1. you can not move out until you get married
2. you can not get married until you are out of college
3. you will do as I say as long as you live under this roof
4. if you do not do as I say you will be out of this house with nothing but the clothes on your back

Some of us (that got pregnant in the early days after the second world war when adoption became popular) heard words just like the ones you are posting..

This thing just keeps giving and giving..

Jackie

[genee]

Hello, I just wanted you to know that I think 90% of adoptees feel that not fitting in feeling. I have to say it is comforting and also makes me sad that adoptees have the same emotinal struggles. I think only a fellow adoptee can possibly understand what it is like. I am 38 and have struggled with that not fitting in feeling all my life. I found my B-mom 2 years ago and have seen her twice. It is a very long story but it has been the hardest thing to go through ever. If you ever want to vent or feel like you fit in talk to an adoptee....you definity fit in with us....we are like our own family. Take care...Genée (superstar102569@aol.com)

[sweetpea012607]

It's extremely hard and tiresome. I don't have a husband but I am seeing someone right now. He works two jobs full-time both are located 30 minutes from home. One is all the way down in Tiger, Ga.
He doesn't like my b-mom much but he says it's because he doesn't know her.

[bethy724]

I didn't read all the replies but wanted to add my thoughts. I am not adopted (I am an foster/adoptive mom) but I feel exactly like you!!! I can't imagine anybody can believe this- but I am nothing like my siblings, parents, g-parents, cousins ect... I feel like a stranger at any family get together. I feel the strongest bond of my life with my adopted son (second place is my best friend). It just gives me confidence that you don't have to be related biologically to a person to feel a bond. I'm not sure if my life experience helps (I'm 39) but I have felt lost most of my life & even begged my parents to tell me I was adopted since I was 10 - I was raised w/ love, praise, God ect... but I never felt comfortable in my own skin until my adult life (I'm not a geek or nut I get along well w/co-workers, friends, boyfriends ect..)
I will always encourage my son to love & pray for his bio-mom- if it weren't for her sacriface I wouldn't be a mom. Good luck.

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

Staci,
The way my a-mom acts I don't think any of this will end until she's gone.

Missy,
If I did my a-parents would have to file for bankruptcy and they would have to lose everything they have. I'm the only one that works in the house and they're using my money to pay the bills. I just don't know how much longer this will last.

Please pray for me that I could ever find the light.

#1. And people actually wondered why I celebrated when a/mom died.

#2. I can count on 2 fingers how many times a/mom showed up for something, much less allowed...then again she didn't have a choice--Graduation and a Second Grade Christmas program which was mandatory. Dad was military, so he was excused, but did make it to several things that I did. Hurt? Yes, it did. It darned near destroyed me. But the comment out of her mouth that did destroy me was when she and dad were having an argument about her helping me...she said: "She's your daughter, you wanted her, now you take care of her!" So, he did. I was in 3rd grade at the time, just before my birthday.

They were there when I had my children. The last one, adopted, was barely tolerated by my a/mom and when the kids commented on it, she claimed that 3 were more than enough for us, why did we have to adopt one?

#3. That sounds like my father-in-law's problem. If he didn't bring home money, he was beaten until he bled. His a/father was a lazy no count. His a/mom didn't care. They got a stipend from the Church (catholic) for taking him on. Since the a/mom was his aunt, the church felt she would care for him. He carried his welt marks until he died. He left that house, with his b/mom's help (his dad died when he was 4, and he was adopted out to the a/family when he was 8). She surprised the family just as his a/dad was beating him. She took him out of the house, to the church, showed the (old and new) marks and blood and told them she was taking him with her and try to stop her. She kept him for the 2 years before he could join the Navy.

It is NOT the responsibility for children to provide a living for adults. It would be different if they were in their 70's and you were in your 40's+. This one reason is why there was adoption reform at one point. People adopted kids for free labor. I don't know what would happen to you if you told this was going on.

(Then again, you could always be a "smartie pants" and tell them that when THEY support you, they can tell you what's what. Until then, you are supporting them, so they'd better shut up.)

I presume this is your senior year in HS. Go to your guidance counselor and talk about next year. With you out of the house, they will be forced to "grow up" and survive on their own. They can downsize and stop keeping up with the neighbors.

Just remember that any man you marry will end up having to put up with both sides. He may end up being in the middle at times. Adoptees have different issues than "normals" do, so be aware of that.

BETHY: Are you 100% sure you were not adopted? As in 100% positive with proof? Birth certificates don't count because they lie. Any Late Discovery Adoptee will also tell you that adoptive families lie too.

GENEE: Yep, we are family through shared experiences. One of the strongest bonds there are. In many instances, it is stronger than blood ties.

M.

[lovemy2boys]

Sweetpea, my heart goes out to you.

I think sitting down with all members of your family is a great idea - just make sure you speak confidently and they know you are firm in your decisions.

Good luck to you on your difficult journey.

(Just a little side note off topic, because reading this board has been so sad for me - not all aparents are bad - most of us are good people who sincerely love our children and many of us are dedicated to maintaining healthy relationships with our children's bfamilies).

[sweetpea012607]

Missy,

I probably won't celebrate but it will open up a new chapter in my life considering my b-mom is only 21 years older than I am. She's only 17 years older than my b-sister, which is odd because it makes her feel more like a sister than a b-mom.
Thankfully my a-mom has never said anything like that. But the guy I'm seeing, he's sort of filled in for them, he's been there for me for most everything. There's days he can't be there because of work but he's there whenever he can be. I'm so very very thankful for him.
I actually graduated in june of this year, I'm currently attending a community college near home. I got a small scholarship from the high school that goes to the community college I now attend and eventually WCU, the four year university I will attend to finish my degree. I don't neccessarily think they're trying to keep up with the neighbors because we live in a very poor society, We have 3 neighbors, 2 are family members, and 1 is a group of Mexicans who moved up here a couple years back.
I guess I just need to find courage.

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

(Just a little side note off topic, because reading this board has been so sad for me - not all aparents are bad - most of us are good people who sincerely love our children and many of us are dedicated to maintaining healthy relationships with our children's bfamilies).

You are SO right about that! There was one adoptive couple that I would have given everything I had to be theirs (if I was about 20 years younger). They were up front with their kids, even to the point of making sure all of them had the money to do searches. On their 18th birthday, they gave the kids a stack of paperwork consisting of everything they could get their hands on. There were no questions, no hold backs, no threats, just simple love.

BUT my dad was so very special. I did cry when he died. I miss him so much. He taught me, he cuddled me, he cried with me. He fixed problems and helped me work through them.

When you have kids that are from the "secrecy" years attempting to find their bio families, it's tougher. What makes it worse is that some of those kids don't know they're adopted. Some bio moms were forced into adopting their kids out, some bio dads were never told ... and the memory is extremely painful. It's different now, but not back then. When my f-i-l was adopted out, the great depression had not started.

Besides, I'm an adoptive mom too. What's funny is that when I found out, he told me..."cool! Now you know how I feel!" And I do. He's a great kid.

SWEATPEA: You don't need to "find" courage. You need to act on it. Courage is actually fear in action. You don't need to gird yourself up for "the big one." You need to pull yourself up, put down on paper exactly what you want to say and go deliver the speech. That's all it is, a speech. You don't need to demand. You just need to set things so they understand that you have feelings, needs and are due some consideration.

[sweetpea012607]

ok. So I talked to both my b-mom and b-sister this week. I chickened out when I went to talk to my a-mom. I'm going to try again tonight.
I talked to my boyfriend and he now understands what I'm trying to say and what I'm trying to do. I haven't talked to my a-dad yet but I have 4 days this weekend that will be just me and him. I'm excited. I love my daddy.

I'm starting to get really stressed with all of my finals next week. I just don't want to handle all of this now. But if I don't, I know it will stay on my mind until it's over. Please pray I do and say the right things to help her understand.

[sweetpea012607]

I talked to her last night since she left for vacation this morning at 10am. Things didn't go as well as I had planned....

I talked about everything I've been telling you all but my a-mom says she doesn't care, she just thinks that my b-mom should be nicer to me...

I'm so confused and frustrated!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

She loves you..

And is probably not saying it right..
But I bet she does not want to see you hurt and is worried.. None of us do it right..

Jackie

[sweetpea012607]

I guess so...

I just wish my a-mom was more loving and supportive!

There I said it.

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

I guess so...

I just wish my a-mom was more loving and supportive!

There I said it.

You need to tell her that you wished she were more supportive. And you need to tell her that by not supporting your decision, you feel like she's not loving you unconditionally.

Did she tell you WHY she thought your b/mom was not nice?

(I'm playing the devil's advocate here: We all wish we had families that loved us unconditionally. No matter what. Even kids raised by their bio parents.)

[BellaRose24]

I am an adoptive mom and I know there is going to be a day that my child will want more information. We talk openly about it now. so that there is no shock when she is 18. From an adopted mom point of view it must be hard raising a child, kissing the boo-boos, holding them when they fall, routing for them at a sport event,tucking them in at night and then having to share them with a second mom after so long. But you should be the priority. Your feelings and well-being should be considered. My advice would be to try to be considerate of all feelings, but take things day by day. Focus on the relationship with your new sister if possible. Keep reminding your adoptive mom how much you love her and appreciate her, but you really need this in your life. Maybe as time goes on all parties will understand. Godd Luck!