[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

I know where my problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. :cries: I'm so thankful I have my faith to hold on to. To know that I have someone to lean on.

Sweatpea,

Was this a problem YOU personally created? If so, maybe you can fix it.

BUT if it was a problem created by others, then there is no way to "fix" it. Don't even try.

That sounds harsh, I know.

You need to sit down with the parties (a and b) and let them know what is going on. Ask WHY? (My personal favorite question!) Maybe one day you'll actually receive a viable answer.

Good luck hon. Take care of you.
M

[sweetpea012607]

It isn't a problem that I created, it's one that my a-mom instilled in me as a little girl. I've been trying to extinguish it so that I might be able to move on and be who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be. I just can't seem to grasp it yet.

I did read a book last week about a boy who was taken from his parents and forced to learn a new way of life and follow what the other people told him to do. After years of bitterness, heartaches, and sorrow he eventually came back to his home roots.

I want to be able to leave this problem behind and not touch it again.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Hey Sweetpea,
In your situation I cannot really give you any advise but I can say that I empathize with you. I was in the same place you are, feeling as if you have to choose one or the other, which parent would you rather lose. Here's a short version of my story maybe it will help, I found my bmom at 19. My parents told me they were fine with it in the beginning but as I got closer to my bfamily (as close as I can get, bmom is fairly distant) they started to feel threatened. I just reassured my amom that I wasn't going any where and that I highly value each family and I refuse to choose. I feel the same way as you do in the fact that I don't act like my afamily or my bfamily, I am just myself. I had to get to a point where I did what I wanted, not neglecting their feelings but having to do what was best for me. That was continuing talking to my bmom, even inviting her to come visit me and then telling my amom after I did it. Not to be manipulative but to show that I was going to do it because I needed to but I was letting her know because I care. Figure out what you want from the relationship, voice it to both sides and go after it. You don't have to choose and the problem is not you. The problem is that there are emotions and feelings coming from all sides of the reunion and being an adoptee some times we feel like we need to carry the emotions on both sides, which we don't but must consider. Do what is best for you, that will help you through this, but remember to communicate to both sides, maybe they will open up too.
I hope this helps a little, normally I don't post but I felt like I related to the situation. Reunion is tough, everyone tells me I'm young to be going through this now too, but we can do it, we just have the constraints of our aparents because we are not completley free from their care and authority so we have a bit more of a challenge than older individuals.

God Bless you,
Staci

[Jackiejdajda]

I have to post this here.. MissyJ encouraged me!
All her fault..

this from 'Advice From a Failure'.. Jo Courdet..
It is the singlemost piece of wisdom that helped me in my recovery from taking care of others..

Page 18

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself.
The single relationship truly central and crucial in a life is
the relationship to the self. It is rewarding to find someone
whom you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is
quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent
human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as
acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are wor-
thy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to be-
lieve yourself deserving of these things. For you cannot
live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone
else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the
people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one
you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life,
you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you
are the only solution.

This is a book I recommend..

Jackie

[sweetpea012607]

Thank you Staci.

Thank you Jackie.

Thank you to everyone who has posted.

I've slowly started talking to my b-mom and b-sister. By email alone. I just need to find the courage to talk to my a-mom about things. I've been trying to find a separate forum for my other problem but so far I have been unsuccessful. Please keep me in your prayers and keep giving me advice.

I want things to be ok again.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

I was permitted to contact my biological mother the day I turned 18. I did so and met with her, her daughter, and her husband. At first I was excited and nervous to finally find out something about where I came from and who I really was. But now I'm not so sure. My adoptive family says I can have a relationship with Crystal (my half-sister), but not with anyone else. Especially my adoptive mother, she is dead against my biological mother. My biological mother keeps telling me things that she wants or things that she's been through and that she knows me, but she doesn't and I'm getting tired of her trying to force me into her world. I also think that the entire family is fake, that they're trying to be something they aren't. I don't know if I should cut off all contact and risk losing a sister I always wanted, or continue contacting them and risk losing everything I ever had with my adoptive mother. I don't understand why they can't get along, I don't understand why I can't have both, I don't understand why I can't fit in anywhere. I'm not like my biological family, I'm not like my adoptive family, I'm not like anyone. I want to be my own person with my own personality without having people jam their beliefs and thoughts about me or my life down my throat. I would like some advice. From biological parents, adoptive parents, even adoptees. I'm just so confused about where I should be.

Well, no one can tell you at 18, a legal adult who you can and cannot have a relationship with. BUT---

But it sounds like you mom (amom) is trying to protect you and from what you have said she might be right on target.

You amom is your mom, nothing you do should cause her to walk away from you. If she is saying that? Then she wouldn't be much of a mom. Or is that just what you think she might do? She loves you, she won't walk away from you.

Sounds like you do need to back away from everyone in the bio family for a while. Just tell them that you need time, that you will keep in contact, (limited) and just talk with your sister.

They may feel that they must be a certain way for you to like them, they may be on their best behavior and not really being themselves. They need time to relax and understand that you are talking to them. They need time too. Suggest they find a threapist to talk too, or an reunion counselor.

Take care of yourself, you come first in this.

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

It isn't a problem that I created, it's one that my a-mom instilled in me as a little girl. I've been trying to extinguish it so that I might be able to move on and be who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be. I just can't seem to grasp it yet.

I want to be able to leave this problem behind and not touch it again.

Sweetpea,

I feel for you. I was "informed" via "constructive criticism" that was, in reality, verbal and emotional abuse. This was my a/mom's way of controlling me. When my a/dad found out about it when I was 15, he put a stop to it, but it still has an effect on me.

You know The Logical Song? Well, that tells all about me.

You need to do what YOU need to do. Be it walk on a beach, go on a hike, sit and listen to music, just do it. If you ultimately need to leave the area where you are, then do it. Explore yourself and this situation.

Don't listen to those who want control over you. Afterall, this isn't about THEM, it is about YOU. This isn't about your a/mom and her issues.

If you do decide on counseling, be sure that the professional is very familiar with adoptees and their issues.

M

P.S. Jackie, that was wonderful! I loved that piece!
Staci, You are so right. I loved the part about the invite, then tell.

[rainmon]

You are considered an adult now....so I don't understand when you said that your a-parents said that you may communicate only with your sister but not your other family members that you have.
Don't you realize that they have no right to "dictate" at this point in your life whom you choose to communicate with or not ?
This is " your" time now to make your "own" decisions in your life.... not theirs any longer.
right or wrong in their eyes...it does not matter....
these are YOUR times to grow up and call the shots. follow your heart or your mind ...this is your time to mke your own choices.
no one but " you" can choose what you want to do. enjoy your new found freedom !!

[sweetpea012607]

rainmom, I wish I could. Ever so much I wish I could. But my a-parents are really strict Baptists and their theory's are this:

1. you can not move out until you get married
2. you can not get married until you are out of college
3. you will do as I say as long as you live under this roof
4. if you do not do as I say you will be out of this house with nothing but the clothes on your back

It sucks. Even if I did get out of the house, I wouldn't be able to pay for college, I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have a place to live.

I'm so constricted and yet I want so much to be free.

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

rainmom, I wish I could. Ever so much I wish I could. But my a-parents are really strict Baptists and their theory's are this:

1. you can not move out until you get married
2. you can not get married until you are out of college
3. you will do as I say as long as you live under this roof
4. if you do not do as I say you will be out of this house with nothing but the clothes on your back

It sucks. Even if I did get out of the house, I wouldn't be able to pay for college, I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have a place to live.

I'm so constricted and yet I want so much to be free.

Sweatpea,

Don't loose yourself please!

Those rules are extremely similar to what I had. Plus I had the "you could only be friends with people I approve of, and if I hear of you talking to others without my permission..." Controlling people (my a/mom) ... and they claim it is "for our own good."

It's time for you to explore other avenues for college. You can pay for college with grants and other financial aid. Sure, it will take time for you to do this, but worth it in the end. You can also explore working for a company that will provide college assistance or work the "co-op" financial aid package at a college. This way, the issue of college will NEVER be over your head (trust me, it will be there in the "well, I pay for your school, you will take what I want you to take, not what YOU want. OR the "I paid for your college, it's time for you to help us out when we're old, you'll owe us for that.").

If you work, you can set aside so much of your paycheck, ask your employer to issue you a second check. Many will do it, especially if you tell them you want to put it aside. If they know your family like my employers knew mine, I told them that I was saving up for something special for the parents. I had to do that because a/mom wanted to see my paycheck and determine where I was spending my money, yep I had to account for the spending of every penny. At one point, a/mom decided that I should pay for everything that they had given me.

Just know that you aren't the ONLY one this is happening to, nor are you the only one this has happened to. There are a lot of us out there....

M

[sweetpea012607]

Thanks Missy

How did you ever get through it all? Sometimes I just want to give up. I have 4 years of college left. I just don't want the fussing for that long.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Hey Sweetpea,

So my roommate just asked me if you and I were sisters because our aparents sound exactly alike, when you wrote about the things your aparents told you I felt like I wrote that. I'm in college now, not community college and I am out of state but that does not loosen the reigns a bit. In some cases if you can't work out paying for college you may just have to take it. I have done it for 3 years, I am a junior, I found my bmom my freshman year. You just have to take you iniative slowly. Do small things, I alway keep in the back of my head be careful and to have a plan if they kick me out but just try, maybe they will see that what you are doing is nothing bad, drastic, or out to hurt yourself or them. It reunion is just something you care about and means a lot to you. I know that dealing with it is by no means something you would like to do but sometimes its all you can do. I know when I walk across the stage on my college graduation day I am going to scream I'm free all the way out of my house to graduate school which I am paying for myself.
At any rate before you take a drastic step try little steps, if they are any bit like my parents they will yell and be very rude and overbearing but will get over themselves. I am fairly resilient so I can take my parents being the way they are they have done it forever. But if you feel you need to get out of the situation, I say move Heaven and earth to do what you need to do.
God Bless
Staci

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by sweetpea012607

Thanks Missy

How did you ever get through it all? Sometimes I just want to give up. I have 4 years of college left. I just don't want the fussing for that long.

I quit school. Stupid, I know, but I couldn't stand to take the courses that mom demanded I take. Dad wanted me to do business...mom wanted education, preferably early childhood. I wanted to be a scientist -- either geologist or marine biologist; or if that didn't work out, I loved history (and still do) but not to teach. And yeah, a/mom hung that education wasted against me, but she refused to pay for any classes that were not on HER approved list. Needless to say, my life was not my own.

With 2 years under my belt, I became an assistant. Then I got married...to a guy mom absolutely could not stand. She tolerated him, which I must say was decent of her...

Anyway, you can CLEP out of courses to shorten your years. You can go to a counselor and ask about the co-op program or other work study programs, financial aid, grants, loans...all that. With the co-op program, you will go to school, then work in your CHOSEN profession (and get paid probably enough to pay for your next semester or 2), then school, then work...it will take 5 years to get your degree, but you come out of it with work experience and be ahead of any pack, maybe even have a job waiting for you at the company you were working for.

I am not one to lecture anyone on how to live their life. If you look at my siggie, you'll see that I was 45 when I found out. Mom died when I was 42. According to her, I rarely did anything right, but around her family, everything was "peachy keen and very loving." Each time I was pregnant she would comment "but we don't know what it's going to turn out like." Condescending, critical and controlling.

Sweetpea, only you can make your decisions. There are options out there for you. Even to the point of going to an out of state school and living in an apartment with friends so that after a year, you can claim in-state status (you will have to live there for 12 full months). If you do the co-op program, maybe the job will take you out of state. Just be prepared for some hard times with the parents.

Like Staci said, keep a contingency plan in place. You never know what will happen. In the emergency business, we always say "prepare for the worst, pray for the best." If the folks send you spending money, put part of it away "for a rainy day." Get to the counselor's office and discuss financial aid packages-especially those for independent students. You might find night classes a little more affordable.

Learn all your options. Keep your head clear and take care of you.
M

[kakuehl]

My dear sweetpea,

I get so frustrated when parents (a & b) put the adoptee in the middle and say... you must choose. On of the best things about my reunion with D is that we focus of what D wants. (And he makes us clear that we all have a place in his life!) I have to say it was hardest on his amom, but I think she's ok with the fact that my family and I are part of D's life to stay. I'm sorry it's not working like that for you. (D's amom did say, that had he been 18 - instead of 32! - she would have been against any sort of contact except for learning about medical history.) (BTW - we now meet several times a year at D's for birthday celebrations, etc. Last year we were all together for Christmas.)

I know it's hard. It's also hard for parents to let go of their children. They want to keep you safe. One of the hardest things parents do (IMO) is let their children go...

Where do you plan to go to college? Will you live at home? My parents thought it was great that I chose music education as my major (That way I'd have something to fall back on if something happened to my husband -- this was said when I wasn't even dating!) Now I'm a Lutheran pastor (that was a rough one for my Baptist mother to deal with.)

BTW, I have a cousin (male) who wanted to major in music. His father, a doctor, insisted that he earn his degree in a science, because he'd never make money from music. He has a degree in physics, then he went in the air force and got a degree in meteorology. After he left the air force he got a 3rd degree -- in music; in fact he now has a doctorate in musicology. Ironically, his parents were right. He spent his whole working career as a meteorologist for the National weather service!

I tell the story just to try to show that it also happens to a) males and b) non-adoptees.

Recognise that this is the time of life when you are figuring out who you are. Having two mothers both wanting attention may not help you! Post here as often as you need to! We will suppport you, listen to you vent, etc.

[sweetpea012607]

Staci,

I guess the one thing that scares me the most is that I'll actually lose one of them. The way my a-mom acts I don't think any of this will end until she's gone. I don't say that like I want her gone, I say that because I feel she's judging my b-mother and that she won't change her mind no matter what I do. I love them both so very much, but they just can't seem to get along. It's hard to see my b-mom because both her and my b-sister live in asheville but I love them and I love hanging out with them. My a-mom just doesn't want me to. I know she can't stop me and I know she would just have to get over it, but I don't want to hurt her and the look in her eyes when I go kills me.

Missy,

My a-dad is the most supportive man I've ever known. Ever since I was a little girl in his arms I can remember him always being there, always encouraging me, telling me how proud he was of me, and how I did a great job even if it wasn't my best. But my a-mom, not once has she said good job, it's always been you can do better, or just a smile. It's like she's putting me down. I can't stand the fact that she does that. Two years ago I realized that my a-dad couldn't be there for everything and my a-mom could be there when she wanted to. At 16 my a-dad quit coming to my school activities. At 17 my a-mom quit coming. I mean sure my a-mom came longer but she never encouraged me like my a-dad did. Now you talk about hurt, that did. That's when I knew it was time to grow up. I want so badly to be out on my own but I know I can't do that. If I did my a-parents would have to file for bankruptcy and they would have to lose everything they have. I'm the only one that works in the house and they're using my money to pay the bills. I just don't know how much longer this will last.

Kakeuhl,

Thank you for the story, I'm not sure why the world thinks they need to force things on others even if it is parents or a-parents or even b-parents. At the age of 18 we are legally adults, we can vote. We know ourselves and we've been raised by whomever. They need to trust in us that we will do the right thing and not be down our throats all the time. I want to show them all that I can be myself and still be theirs, that I can do my own thing and still know where my roots are and know that in the end I did what was right for me. I can't live my life in their shadow afraid to come into the sunlight and make my own path.

I guess what I really need is a good sit down talk with each person that is close to me in my life. Let them know what's in my mind, let them know that I'm big enough to know right and wrong and what I should do for me. I just have to find the courage, my a-dad will be the easiest, my b-sister and b-mom will be next, then my boyfriend, then my a-mom. Please pray for me that I could ever find the light.